I am 28 and my husband is 27. We got married in college and have two precious boys. Our marriage at the beginning was very hard for me because I was like the MOM of everyone. I hated it! After 5 years my husband started acting stranger than usual; like going out, receiving phone calls, someone was cal;ing my house and hanging up, angry when he was at home and was bothered by anyone there, always in the computer...........well to be precise it lasted 4 months and they meet on a chat room. Then I wanted separation without even knowing what was going on but realizing he needed to live a single life for a while. PRETTY SMART:( He disagree and cut off the on-going affair. But after a year they were still seeing each other every couple of months and chatting on the net. I found out the day of my anniversary:( I am having a really hard time letting this go eventhough I spoke to the woman and she agrees it was only sex. They never dated or anything and just got together for the act itself. To me thats gross! Well I cheated on him once with an ex but think isn't enough, not even 10 one night stands will compare to a two year sexual affair. I want to let go but my thoughs are always visualizing them and all the things they did. And how the hell it lasted so long. To be truthfull I saw a photo of this woman and she can't be compared to me. I can't understand why he didn't let go until I found out:(

Weird, so your upset because he cheated on you and your cheating didnt compare to his in length?

You might be better looking then the OW, i dont think looks have nothing to do with affairs. If you were to see who my wife had slept with you would laugh yourself into a coma, my wife still thinks he is cute, but when anyone sees his picture they think my wife in retarded.

Why did you cheat on your husband first?

Maybe he cheated on you and made it last as long as he wanted it too, maybe he feels its what you want because you do the same or did?

Welcome to MB...There is a lot of information on this site, READ!

You've had a difficult marriage, betrayals on both sides...it seems that your are both to the point where you want to stop the destructive behavior and beganing building a real marriage and a real family for your two DS (dear sons).

The length of the affair, the depth of the affair, the type of the affair...it is still an affair and a betrayal to the marriage, to the spouse and to ourselves. You have both made some serious mistakes and you both want and need forgiveness from the other for the poor choices you've made in the past.

Find a really good marriage counselor which the two of you are both comfortable being open and honest with. Get down to the hard work of building your marriage into the loveing and supporting marriage which it can become.

If you're sitting there comparing what he did against what she did and you're not focused on how to make your marriage better, but on revenge...you might as well seek out a divorce lawyer instead of a counselor. Seeking to assess who has the most faults and who hurt who worse...is NOT going to be beneficial.

You've both hurt and harmed each other and the marriage. Time to put aside blame...and make a choice...to do the work of rebuilding or to go your separate ways with as much kindness and caring as possible for the emotional wellbeing of your boys.

Good Luck!

I cheated after knowing what he did. It was only REVENGE.............. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But felt terrible eventhough it was an ex and actually my first love.

Like I said, who did what when isn't the issue you need to be focus on. Do you want your marriage to continue? Does your H want your marriage to continue? Do the two of you want a healthy and loving marriage? Are the two of you willing to lay aside the blame and get to working on your marriage?

Yes, BS have been known to go out and have their own affairs. BUT...even tho your H cheated first, just as he has no excuse good enough for having choosen that path, neither do you. Sorry, but affairs are just wrong, there is no reason which can justify one.

BUT...that doesn't mean that the two of you can't come together and work through all the pain you have caused each other. Both have hurt the other.

Now...are you both willing the help heal the other? Began the healing. Reach out for professional help. You both need guidance and a third party who is not emotionally effected, someone to point out options and teach new skills to help improve the marriage. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Start your journey on your healing path. Join hands and hearts...and the two of you can come together out into the light.

<small>[ January 30, 2003, 11:37 PM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

Yes, we want to work this out. Yes, we started individual counseling and now are doing marriage counseling. Our therapist believes I am stuck with the situation and can't let go eventhough I found out in sept 2002.

I am always comming back to the issue because I really want to find out the reasons and the red flags because if I am giving us a second chance is for ever.

I know cheating has no excuses.............not even revenge. But to be truthfull I think was the only way to keep on going. I always told him if you cheat I will do the same and thats a promess. Now I changed that of course; if you cheat I am long gone. Have a nice life........ and don't forget we have two sons.

I always had a big issue with infidelity and family unity. My parents got divorce while I was a child because my father cheat on my mom a million times. I always told myself that marriage should overcome everyhting but that. I mean if you have someone to do whatever you want and you really trust since you have kids and a life together why find someone else. To be sincere I am here for three reasons; I love him, I want a family and the only person that will complete mine is him and I don't want to do the same thing my parents did to us.

And don't get me wrong I am a social worker, good mom, wife and women. I only feel lost because this images don't get out of my mind. I throw up for a week when I found out and lost 8 pounds in a week. I had a couple of nervious breakdowns becasue was unable to decide between braking my family or staying with an unfaithfull husband. Both of them were my worst nightmares and was not sure wish one was the worst one.

I am also very angry and hurted because he seems to have nothing else to say. He doesn't even want to talk about the issue and wants me to act like nothing happened. I ALSO FEEL HE IS NOT TRUTHFULLY SORRY OF WHAT HE DID. Yes he says will not do it again but only becasue it hurted me so much. He actually believes this helped out or sex life since I tried to probe myself to him in bed at the beggining. Don't know:( I guess I wanted to please him all the time to try to erase the situation or the memories with her. But now that I think about it I never had time to heal bymyself..............i wanted separation and he say NO, then i wanted room separation and he say NO and then i wanted sex time off and he say definetly NO.

Please advice:)

Going to start at the bottom and work my way up this time.

SEX...if YOU don't want...you say NO! Sorry, sex is something you share, you don't demand, you don't give. If he's got a problem with not having complete control over YOUR side of agreeing to have sex or not...he's got some serious issues which need to be brought up in counseling. Sex is not a supply and demand issue...it is sharing when BOTH parties are wanting to share.

If your H is not truly remorseful for his betrayal...your rebuilding of your marriage is NOT going to be successful...harsh I know, but my opinion. The fact that you are remorseful for your betrayal in the face of his seeming to find a "silver lining" in his betrayal, is only going to point out the differences of how each of you are working at cross purposes.

You really haven't discussed your H's affair. From what you know about his affair, what type of affair did he engage in? Was it seemingly more PA then EA or was it a ONS type of betrayal, etc.? Did you have issues with the OW before the affair ended or after? Was the ending of the affair a long and drawn out one with many lies being told after d-day? How did you discover his affair? What happened on d-day?

All of this information is personal and if you choose not to share it, that's ok. But each question has a bearing on how the situation developed and may explain some of the reasons why you feel as if you're having such a hard time putting this time to rest.

Anyway, you've only started MC, hopefully this will be of great help to both you and your H. Good Luck!