I really need some help/support again today, I am sooo needy. I am BS my H and I have been trying to work things out for the past 4 months. D-day was Oct 12, he told me has several ONS and I told him that I wanted to work on us. He fully expected me to kick him out and was more than a little surprised when I didnt. He told me that he was willing to work it out. He then admitted to an EA with co-worker on Jan 14th. He tells me it is not a PA yet, who knows. I have been applying Plan A like crazy and was seeing little gleams of hope. Well, now my patience is wearing, he is telling me when he goes to see her and that they just talk. He wants to be honest, this is killing me. He speaks to her online everynight with me watching Tv in the same room. I dont think I can take this. He says he wants to stay for the kids, I thought that I could handle this, but it is just too much in my face. He tells me he wants to tell me where he goes even though it hurts. We spoke about seperation last night, I think this would ease my pain, but---- I dont think he will ever give us a chance again if he leaves. He loves his boys like crazy and said that he would rather stay for them but cant live with me being I spy. please any advice??? thanks

IF...he wants the marriage, the affair/s must end! If he wants the affair/s then the marriage must end.

Sorry, harsh I know. I'm not one of the best posters for on-going affairs, so I seldom post to those who must deal with them.

While I do like that your H SEEMS to be honest...I think that either he's really pushing you to make the decision, so that he can avoid being the one who "broke up my marriage", or else he's getting some type of cruel enjoyment out of you knowing about his EA/PA? affair with this co-worker. jmho

Good luck...think you're going to need it. My prayers are with you and your children.

Stillhopin --

Here's some good old-fashioned MB support comin' your way! (((((sh)))))

Sorry for this mess. You're doing the right thing by trying to hold this all together for your family. H seems determined for now to continue crippling your home and marriage.

Of course you spy! Who wouldn't? Why wouldn't you? He's uncomfortable with that? Easy fix: stop the behavior which requires the spying! A shame your H isn't able to see the big picture here.

"He wants to be honest" -- I don't agree. Not at all! Honesty in a relationship cannot be present with an on-going A -- guaranteed! The writer Alexandre Dumas said it best:

"Pure love and suspicion cannot dwell together:
at the door where the latter enters, the former makes its exit."

It must be very difficult to sit in the same room with H knowing that he's talking with OW. How do you do it? You shouldn't have to put up with this. What makes him think that his behavior is acceptable? What's his excuse? I know you must discuss it with him; what does he say? You're right: it's "too much in your face."

Advice? I'd get into counseling, definitely for you and then for the two of you. The A has to end before H can or will provide anything of substance to you or to your relationship, so that needs to be dealt with first.

Post here as often as you need to. Remember, we're here for you...

Ammon

Ammon,

thanks for your support. This is hell. My H says that when he is chatting on line with OW it is just "shooting the s**t, (whatever). Last night was the first night he did this while I was in the room. I then got mad and starting talking about seperation because I couldnt take it. I told him I was jealous. He tells me he feels like he is in the middle (no kidding) and doesnt know what to do. It is definetely a case of him not wanting to make the "wrong move", and he admits it. He is extremely confused and foggish. He knows that if he does leave he is losing EVERYTHING, Me, sons, friends, family. He says there is no guarantee with OW either. He came home today and starting looking for apartments. We talked and believe it or not, I am still willing to try, I love him, I feel if I dont try at least for a little while more (while my sanity remains) I am giving up too soon. 2 weeks. He tells me he needs space (typical) because for the last 4 years of our marriage we were living seperate lives and basically we both were not caring what the other was doing. It is so hard to try to keep this afloat, he tells me that he wants to know that the last 4 years of us ignoring each other wont happen again. I know that if this continues Plan B is going to happen, I dont know when. He is leaving his job in June for sure, he told me for "more reasons than one". He must stay till then to be vested in pension. I dont know if that will make or break it??? I am starting counseling in 2 weeks (fastest appt, I may be crazy by then!! )