Hi everyone. I have only posted one other message to the board but I am in need of some advice. I had EA, husband just finished PA, been in counseling for 5 months now. We are seperated but trying to work it . Control issues in our marriage.

Problem of the week! Just found out about H's PA last week so I have images flying around in my mind. Sex life was already waning before counseling. H already wants me to have physical relations. Told my H that he was going to have to wait for physical contact for a while because this is still so vividly new to me and sex is the last thing on my mind right now. He accused me of withholding sex but I don't want to put the horse before the cart. We have not even discussed his affair and things he did because I'm emotionally a mess. Also, sex was always the primary focus in our marriage and our marriage wasn't that good.

How do I handle this problem? How long can I expect him to wait for physical contact before he finds it elsewhere(he already implied that he would). Before I agree to have my H move back in, I feel that I need to set new guidelines for our new life(I was the biggest pushover before), however, he is not happy with some of my "take it slow" guidelines and has let me know it. Is there any advice out there for me? Thanks in advance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Without a sincere effort and willingness (on both your parts) to follow a plan of marital recovery based on MB principles, I'm afraid that you are setting yourself up for a false recovery, that will make any future attempts at rebuilding your marriage, slim at best. I would advise you that you convey this to him and see what he says. If he doesn't want to, then you'll have to decide if you really want to remain married to a man that does not want to put any effort (on his side) to rebuild the marriage. Good luck.

Toodles --

Coercion or implied threats in a marriage spell doom. You are absolutely right to be where you are with the sexual element. Hold your ground! Besides, he now needs to get tested before you two get together.

You need time to recover from H's recent PA; part of that recovery has to be with your comfort level. You're not comfortable--yet--having relations with H = bottom line.

H ought to be happy and very grateful that you're willing to consider having him move back. It has to be on your terms, on your schedule. Does he really expect life to be "business as usual" for you two? He could have thought of the damage to your marriage before his choice to have a PA.

I don't have much sympathy for H at this point; don't feel much contrition or remorse or any attempts to fix the problems. Do you? I'm always troubled when I read that "sex was always the primary focus in our marriage" -- a guarantee of problems down the road. Sounds like it's still a big issue. A slice of the pie: OK. The whole pizza? Never!

Counseling is a great way to go--before H moves back. The books offered here on this site are excellent. You two need a multi-dimensional relationship, not one in which one element is allowed so much emphasis.

I wish you luck, Toodles. Keep in touch, please.

Ammon

Thank you both for your replies. Even though it helps a little to know I'm not crazy(yet), I still worry. What bothers me is that it took me a while to bounce back after my EA, and I finally got to the point where I was starting to enjoy being with my H and then the bomb was dropped and we're back at square one. It just seems like it can't get any worse and then it does.

Let me ask this. During seperation, I've tried not to do anything I would regret doing later but I also know I'm unsure of what the boundaries are. My H and I have hugged and kissed but even then I'm afraid that it will give our children a confusing message. I'm afraid of telling my H what I love about him for fear of him throwing it back in my face. AND I'm afraid of my H asking repeated questions about my EA, which is over but at the time felt wonderful and I don't want to hurt my H by being honest and saying so.

What timelines or steppingstones have each of you faced and how do you know when to stand firm or just give up on an issue? Sorry for sounding so helpless, but I am right now.

Last question, I promise. Our marriage counselor(who we both really like) keeps telling us to work on our communication which I know is important. Should she be giving us any other useful tools to help us sort through this(I'm getting tired of doing the talk thing and remaining where we started?

Thanks for all your help!

How long does it takes??? It seems like it's forever...but...it isn't. It does however take a very long time to get through all the resentments, hurt feelings, feeling of being betrayed (even if both have betrayed), and then we have to get to the other issues which needed addressing before any of the betrayals happened.

You're discovery of the PA is brand new...you've got a lot to work through. Even though you made the first betrayal of your marriage by having an EA, that doesn't stop his betrayal from being just as hurtful to you as yours was to him. (And one betrayal is not more damaging then the other, both are betrayals of your marriage, your spouse and yourself.)

Since your betrayal was the first and it's only been 5 months neither of you have worked through that betrayal yet, he compounded the issue by having his own betrayal to the marriage. So there is a lot to work through on both sides.

You've got to work on the issues of why you betrayed, plus work on the issues caused by being betrayed. Continue counseling, keep working, and make a committment to each other that you will work through this together. There are times where the committment is what keeps you moving forward when nothing else seems to be working.

As for sex...sex is sharing, it's not demanding, it's not threatening. If you're not ready...you're not. His threats are immature and shows that he is not committed to the marriage at this point. jmho

You may well be afraid of his asking questions about your betrayal...well, suck it up...give him a safe environment and let him ask! Answer honestly and kindly.

You too will have questions about his betrayal...he too should make a safe environment so that he will be able to answer your questions and he should answer with kindness and honesty.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What timelines or steppingstones have each of you faced and how do you know when to stand firm or just give up on an issue?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is NO timelines! Each individual has their own timelines for healing. They can be shortened by the WS efforts at being honest and trying to create a safe and secure environment in the marriage...but each of us are different. I'm still dealing with some issues after 2+ years. A spouse who mets honesty with anger will only be standing in the way of healing.

The major stepstones which helped us was both of us being honest. I had to not only receive the truth, I had to feel in my heart it was the truth. Something which at times was difficult. Accepting that both of us were sometimes re-writing history or our perception of our history. Realizing and understanding that what was "his truth" was not always "my truth", but it was how he felt and saw things. Learning that THE TRUTH was often somewhere in the middle.

It was both of us taking responsibilty for our own actions, prior to his affair and after. It was learning new skills for dealing with those issues we had never dealt with. Communication being one of the biggies.

For us, we took to writing to each other. It allowed us time for reflection, re-writes when needed and he didn't have to look into my painfilled eyes when imparting a painful truth and I didn't "mishear" because of hearing through my sorrow.

As for giving up on an issue...if it was a necessary part of healing our marriage...I never gave up until we were BOTH satisfied. If it was a "detail" which wasn't so important to the healing...I would gladly leave it behind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should she be giving us any other useful tools to help us sort through this(I'm getting tired of doing the talk thing and remaining where we started? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you don't feel as if you are moving forward, it is likely because you are getting hit with new information, ie. his betrayal. You're not going to move forward until you get out all of the "past history" so that you can make some informed decisions. jmho This goes for both of you...you MUST be honest with each other about what has happened in the past...on both betrayals.

Is she having the two of you read any books? There are a ton of them which can help you see that this is a normal reaction to what the two of you have put your marriage through.

Is she giving you "homework", things for you to do or write as to how you are feeling, what goals you have, etc? What resentments you hold against the other. Where do you want to be in a year from now, 10 years from now. She needs to be helping you focus on the future, while dealing with the past.

BUT...as I said, she's (counselor) having to support both of you with the new information which has just come to light, she's dealing with damage control right now...so she may feel, and rightly so, that you need to give this a little time to settle down.

Good Luck!

Toodles --

JAW2002 has given you such wonderfully strong and complete advice with which I agree wholeheartedly, much there of great value to think about. I must say I like your resiliency and sense of humor. No, you certainly aren't crazy ("yet") and doesn't sound as if that's even a remote possibility.

I concur with the concept of a safe environment. Both of you need to be able to talk and listen and absorb in a non-threatening atmosphere. It's called communication and it's called essential, fundamental to a healthy relationship. Frank discussions are sometimes awkward and difficult but it's all a integral part of your new dynamic, one way to keep your recovery moving forward. IMHO, your MC should be guiding you through the process, not simply telling you to "work on your communication." Easier said than done. Ask her how (perhaps if you had known how to communicate, none of this would have happened). But I agree, "damage control" heads the list for right now.

You're not nearly as helpless as you may feel; your strength and clarity come through your posts very clearly. I feel very positive about your ability to make this regeneration happen. You've got the right attitude!

So, you hang in there and you work hard and you post here and you get through this. We're here for you...

Ammon

Thank you wifey and ammon for your replies and experience. I am very appreciative of your advice-your strength is invigorating. Had a bad day today. Went to MC and it was the first time we relived the story of H's PA. I did not cry(because I think I'm still too numb). Our counselor agreed to help us get through this with guidance and exercises and lots of talking.

The most important ? I had for her was that my H and I have totally different ideas of what's right and wrong in our lives. For example, we both know that any kind of A is wrong, but my H says we wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for my EA. We seperated and he then had a PA. My H says that his activity wasn't an A because we were already seperated. Believe it or not, I think I could have handled his dating and possibly even the sex had it not been for the fact that he kept coming home,professing his love for me, having sex with me and then going out with her and doing the same thing. Also have a hard time with the fact that he introduced the OW to his family on the first date. He also does not believe that he was wrong to leave our children on Christmas to be with his "date".

He also cannot understand how I am asking him to wait for sexual relations when I am aware of his heightened drive. He asked me to present him with alternative options to ward off having A again. Any ideas?

We also have conflicting values about time with our children(8,7,5,3). He resents all thetime that I have to play mom, while I feel that our kids are young and deserve the best we have to offer. I am also going back to work full time in the fall and while I won't have as much time for my children in the day,I definitely will spend all my time until bedtime with them and I know that will be a problem for H.

Our counselor asked us to talk about the differences in our values and decide which we could compromise. compromise is a hard sell right now and has already(four hours since MC) resulted in two arguments.

Anyway, enough of my complainin'- got to go and tuck the 7 year old BACK in bed AGAIN! Thanks again for all your help!