Well, for those of you that haven't heard my story, I'll sum it up.
My husband and I have been married for 7 yrs. in Jan.

Dec. 27th: My husband leaves and says he doesn't love me anymore, isn't "IN-LOVE" with me anymore etc.

Jan. 3rd: He comes back home and says he wants to work things out. He wants to go to counseling and see if we can get back what we had before.

Jan. 6th: OUR ANNIVERSARY. He goes to work and goes to his girlfriends house and yes he sleeps with her. Keep in mind I get nothing for our anniversary either.

Jan. 17th: our first marriage counseling session.
Goes pretty well. At lest I think so.

Jan. 18th: He goes to work and again goes and sleeps with her.

Jan: 20th: I find his bank statement with a Victoria's Secret purchase of $100.00 purchased on Dec 18th. Keep in mind, I got nothing for Christmas either. I confront him and he lies about it. Says a co-worker asked him to pick him up a certificate for his wife.

Jan: 21st: Not really buying his story, I go through his cell phone and find a number programed and it just so happened to be the last person he called.
I ask about it and lies. Says it a friend who he has been telling our problems too.

Jan. 22nd: I go to work and decide to call this so-called friend who confirms that they have been seeing each other for 4 months. She tells me everything in detail. How many times, where, when. Everything.
I come home and confront him. Tell him to get out and he then asks: "How can I fix this"
Loving him as much as I still do, I let him stay and he says he's going to break it off with her.
NOTE: The week in Dec. He lived with her for the week before coming back home.

Jan. 25th: We have our second counseling session where he comes clean to the counselor.

Jan. 28th: He goes to work and goes to her house and YES sleeps with her again.

Jan. 29th: She calls me and tells me about him going over to her house and how they slept together again.
I come home and pack all of his things and wait for him to come home. He gets home and I throw him out. I asked him WHY? He said that he was just weak and that he messed up again. He said that this is where he wants to be and he asked me what I wanted him to tell her.
Being the idiot that I am, I tell his to break it off once and for all. I have him call her with me on the phone, and he did just that. He told her it was over.
She wasn't very happy about that, but I don't really care about the woman.

Jan: 31st: I take the day off and we have a really nice family day. (We have a 6 yr. old daughter)

Feb. 2nd: TODAY, here I am asking for advice. He also went to work yesterday and he's at work now.
My husband is a police officer and works overnight. Gets off at 2am four days a week.
I just don't know what to do. I love him no less than I did before I found out he was a CHEATER. I wish that I could hate him but I don't. I love him so much I feel like a fool. I don't trust him at all and I'm really trying to believe him when he tells me this is where he wants to be.
He admitted to me that he has stong feelings for her and he even says he loves her. He says he loves me too. Nothing hurts more than hearing him say he loves her.
Can we ever get through this with him feeling this way towards her. Can I get through this with him feeling this way. I'm really trying but I don't know if I can do it. I want to for the sake of my marriage but it's hard. I don't want to live my life doubting him all the time.
I don't want him to leave because I know she'll probably lure him over and it'll be all over then.
He's being really honest about his feelings toward her, and for that I'm glad. I told him that whenever he feels weak or feels tempted to talk to her or just finds himself thinking about her, to call me and I'll help him through it.
Is that stupid or what? I just don't know what else to do. I don't know how else to help him.
I don't why I love him so much. I really wish I didn't.
Any advice would be so helpful. Thanks

Hello Honey,
I am glad you posted here.
First you are not a fool!!! You are experencing all the "normal" stuff we all have. Look around. Read others posts. Read mine.
YOU must stay in MC. Hopefully you have found one that you both are comfortable with. Needs to be the "marriage-saving" type. Ask you counceller if he/she knows about The His needs/Her needs book?? Have you read it??? You and your H need to do some reading. Surviving an affair is another good one. I have started reading "Torn Assunder".
You need to get educated. And spring into action if you want to save your marriage. Your WH does not sound like he wants to give up. He just sounds confused. Like the rest of the WS's
If he really want s to be happy with you again, and get the OW out of his life, and keep his family together...he will have to WORK!!! So will you. I have read success stories. I know it can get better. You are fortunate that the affair has only gone on for a few months. You are also fortunate that all the details have come out. YOU must have the truth!!
Don't panic. Your marriage can be saved. Talk to your WH. FIRST and formost, he must have NO CONTACT with this woman. He must break his addiction to her. He will be depressed. He will be in a fog. But once he gets through that, you can really re-build your marriage.
Keep posting. VENT HERE!!!!!!!!!! CRY to us! We are very good listeners. I do not know what I would have done without this site.
I will be thinking of you.
Blessings
traceys

Traceys,
Thank you so much! You don't know how good it makes me feel to hear that people really care about what's happening to me.
Sometimes I just want to give up and let him go. Then I think about him running to her and that changes everything. I really don't think we'd be able to get anything accomplished if he was with her.
I know that I need to be strong, but the fact that they work at the same place makes it so much harder. She's not trying to stay out of his sight I'm sure. She even went as far as hanging out with someone on the same shift as my husband just last night. So even if he tries to avoid her, she's still there.
It's all up to him at this point. He has to be strong enough to avoid her or tell himself that it's over and move on. I know he's going through withdrawls. The other day he actually said that he misses her. I felt horrible but the way I saw it was, at least he's being honest with his feelings about her. He also called me yesterday because he saw her from a distance. I told him to call me whenever he felt tempted. At first I thought: "What the hell am I doing telling him to tell me when he thinks about her" but then I thought: That's better than him acting on those feelings and going over to her house again after work.
All I can do is hang in this whole mess of my life and pray that everything works out for us. I've never wanted anything more in my life. Sometimes I tell myself, "I don't deserve this" I know that I've done things in my own past, but I think I've learned my lesson.
Thank you so much for the advice.

Sorry this has happened...glad tracey guided you here.

First lets look on the positive side...you know! That's number one! You have some decisions to make, but not all at once, so don't get scared. The first decision you've made is that you do still love him. The second is that you believe that your marriage/family is worth fighting for.

Your H is telling you that he wants you and your marriage. That's his first step, but he's got a lot more steps to make. He's contact xOW and told her that he wants to stay in the marriage. He's told her no more contact! Now...what is he doing to make sure that you feel secure as to his commitment to the marriage? Is he checking in with you? Is he giving you access to his phone messages, cell phone bills, etc? Is he willing to go that extra mile to make sure that you know he's not being in contact with her?

Do continue the counseling! Don't stop! Do get a good checkup with your family doctor and see if anti-d meds are needed (most of us need it at least for some period of time). Sorry, but you do need to make sure that STD's are not an issue, only your doctor can assure you of this...get tested. Anytime that you have been in any type of relationship where there is a third party, this is a must.

For some reason police offiers are at more risk of having an affair then many other professions. I think part of this is the mindset of being in control which every offier MUST HAVE to do their job safely and correctly. There is also an issue of power (just goes with the job), and that feeling of being "right", even when they are walking the wrong path. Usually the hours are not condusive to a normal healthy relationship making it doubly hard on both partners in the marriage. (I am NOT excusing his behavior in any way!)

Yes, you can reclaim your marriage and make it stronger and more loving...not easily, but you can. IF...you and your H both commitment to making your marriage into what you always have known it could be.

My H also loved his xOW (and still loved me, too)...I told him that I wanted to know when I was the only one in his heart...until then, I didn't want him to tell me that again. That when he could honestly come to me and tell me that I was the only one in his heart, I wasn't going to beat him up about his feelings for her. But, it was also made clear, that if he wanted her, to leave...I'd be fine. He had to choose...he chose to stay with me. It didn't take long for him to discover that the love he felt for her, couldn't withstand the light of day.

You're not being stupid! Never think that! You're trying your very best to understand...that takes courage!!!!

It's GREAT that he called you yesterday...if he continues this type of avoidence...you've got half the battle won.

Good Luck!

Thank you so much for all the advice. It really does help.
It hurts so much to know that he developed feelings for the OW. I feel like crap everytime I see him in deep thought because I wonder what the hell he's thinking about. I wonder if he's thinking about her.
I feel like such a fool because I feel like I'm just looking the other way by allowing him to express his feelings for her. Then I tell myself "I'd rather know what he's feeling, than have him act on those feelings"
I knew that when I let him stay in my life, it was going to be far from easy. I just didn't know it would be this bad.
I'm so glad I found this site and you guys who seem to care so much. Thanks again.

Hi Debbie, I'm glad to see you are hanging in there. You sure are wise for your age.
Please do as others have told you, see your doctor. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your daughter. It sounds like he really loves you, he's in a "fog".
There are so many of us out here praying for you. Take care and keep us informed. Remember to both inhale... and exhale...deeply. For some reason breathing like that for me seems to give clarity to my thoughts. H

Harvest,
Thanks for responding. I know that I need to see my doctor. I'm just afraid, but I will do it.
Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers. I really need it. This evening my daughter and I went to church. It made me feel a little better. It took my mind off of my mess of a life at least for just a little while.
I'll keep posting. Believe me I will. This site is wonderful. Everyone has been so caring.
Thanks again

Debbie:

Yes, you've come to the right place and all of the posters have given you sound advice.

You definitely need to cruise about the site and read about infidelity and some of the things your H should do to earn trust from you again. He has to be 100% transparent in order for the two of you to get through this.

What wifey and others have said about police officers as to power and control are accurate (can you imagine what my home was like with two cops married to each other?!). Don't discount the attraction that the position and uniform will do to some people.

Nonetheless, a cheater is a cheater regardless of occupation, and he needs to come clean if he really wants your marriage to work.

There will undoubtedly be some difficult introspection needed on both of your parts. Essentially, some hard questions need to be asked as to what motivated your WH to pursue this affair in the first place. The answers will be difficult to bear no matter what, but if you're prepared to handle all the reasons/excuses, you both can save your marriage.

Many marriages suffer infidelity, and it doesn't mean the death of your marriage. It is painful, but trust can follow after your H confesses, has NO CONTACT with the OW, you forgive him, and both of you heal. That's the road to recovery, which like all of God's plans, starts with a single step. It's going to take a LOT of time, but you don't have to throw anything away if you don't want to.

Of course, if you don't want to continue and you can't forgive him (especially if he fails to concede to those rules of NO CONTACT and transparency), then the decision to end the marriage is entirely up to you -- ethically, morally, legally and even biblically.

I'll pray that you receive strength, courage, patience and guidance through this tough time.

God Bless!

Debbie --

It's very encouraging to read so much real insight and sound perspective in your posts to us. You've got a great handle on your part of things and I think you're doing the right things to help your marriage recover. None of us "deserve" any speck of what we're going through in these circumstances, but we have to find some ways of getting through it all the same.

You do need to be strong for you (first) and then for your daughter (second) and then for your husband (who doesn't even know at this point that he needs your strength). Young children are especially vunerable to an unstable environment and are immensely aware of the unsettling dynamic of your family at present. Lots of extra hugs and bedtime stories. Sounds like you could use a few hugs yourself right about now, so ((((((Debbie))))))

Know that this is fixable, that you want to know deep inside that you have done the very best that you can do to get things back on track. A lot will depend upon your H's commitment to you and to your marriage. Your trust has been shattered in the worst possible way and your healing will be a painfully long and slow process--but you CAN do it! You can get through this and your family can remain intact and your relationship can be even better than it was. Hard to see with clarity at this point but it's all possible and very doable. Keep focused on the longterm goal. Try to see the everyday ups-and-downs as all part of the process, normal, integral, to be expected.

Positives: your love for H remains, he's being honest about his contacts with OW, and he wants to work on your marriage (many here on this board are lucky to have even one of those!), you have a good attitude and you're doing smart things to help this along.

Not-so-positives: H and OW work together (contact with OP keeps the embers warm).

He's going to have to be completely honest with you and with himself. If that phone call to OW is going to mean anything at all, he can't backslide and must be cold and business-like with her at all times. Not possible? Then one of them has to change assignments or even jobs! Is your H willing to go that far? That's what it's going to take!

You've got some very strong people on board with you and already have received some great advice. You are not alone with this, Debbie, we will walk this path with you and help you through the dark times as best we can. You're a part of our group now and we're here for you, anytime and every time.
You have to hang in there and believe that you can do this, because you CAN!

Ammon