I'm brand new to all of this and I'm trying to end my one and hopefully only affair. After reading the material found on MB, I feel like I will need to tell my H in order to have accountability and a stronger marriage. But I get sick to think how it will make him feel. I try to put myself in his shoes and wonder if I would really want to know. My heart says DON'T TELL HIM!! My head says it will be the best in the long run. I don't know what to do or HOW to tell him. I want it to be as easy on him as possible.
If anyone has any ideas or helpful hints, I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks.

I am new as well....and I'm sure I'm not the best at advice. The only thing I can say is, I would rather know than walk around a fool. Because that is exactly what I felt like when I found out. Don't know if this will help, but there ya go.

Thanks~
One question...how do I tell him? What's the best way that's least painful?

I'm sure that someone with better knowledge will show up soon, but my suggestion is make sure you are SAFE. My H found out about my EA, and busted several gaskets in a row. I was literally afraid of him for a while... then I was afraid for him.

You may need a third party present, or you may need to be able to stay away from him until he can cool off.

Cricket,

I believe that there is at least one article on this site about how to tell your spouse about an affair.

If you have any fear of physical violence, definitely do it with a third party present, and perhaps a plan to leave the house for a day or so.

If you are in counseling, I would recommend talking with your counselor about how to phrase this or even break the news in the presence of the counselor so that the counselor can help.

Some people have done it by letter and many by telling them. There are a fair number of WS's around here. I'll see if I can get their attention. You could also post the inquiry in the General Questions section. It gets more traffic and I know a fair number of former WS's post there.

I will tell you that this won't be easy for either of you. I will also tell you that your honesty with this, will in the long run help your H. You do run the risk that he can't or won't forgive you, but if he is like many betrayed spouses, BS's. He very likely will. In the long run, your marriage is very likely to be better for your honesty.

The reasons are complex, but they get down to communications. After you tell him this, there will be little that you cannot talk with him about.

You might consider posting your story so that the people responding to you will have a better frame of reference for offering advice.

I would recommend that you read Surviving an Affair by Harley. There are some other books that are also good, but I know this one is. It will help you and it will help your H see things differently.

You are doing the right thing.

God Bless,

JL

JL is correct!

When/if you do confess...please learn this lesson first...be honest! Painfully so, but with as much kindness as possible. (ie. yes, we used "x" hotel, NO! we broke the bed)

Don't hold back information which your spouse asks for...as this only impedes the beginning of healing. Those items which come to light afterwards can be the most damaging to reclaiming trust. The sooner everything comes out the better.

The BS is in somewhat of a shocked and benumbed state, it's the best time to get it all out...or as least as much as possible. I'm not saying answer questions which haven't been asked...as some BS do NOT want details...but any question which is asked...be honest.

Good luck! btw...the pain of knowing was destroying...but the pain of never knowing would have been soul destroying.

This may sound ignorant, but how do I post my story?

Cricket,

You do it just as you did already when asking for advice. You just type it up. You can do so as part of this thread or you can click on a new post button and do it.

Many people actually use Word or WordPerfect to type up their posts and then just copy and paste them into the boxes. As you can see, from my spelling and some missing words now and then, I don't do that, but I should. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So type up your story and hit Add Reply as you did to already respond. Or start a new thread with a new reply.

Hope this helps. No problem with the questions. It is not easy to get all of this stuff done.

God Bless,

JL

as said so far ..yes you do need to tell.but iwant to discuss other issues of this.your opening state was your trying to end your one and hopefully only affair.how are you trying to end it?and does the fact that you said"hopefully" only affair indicate that there may still be issues that would possibly lead to further a's?i know this is alot to think about.you'll have time to think.so dont answer right now.along with uncovering the A to your husband it is also important to understand why and what happened.spare yourself the obvious" he didn't do this and didnt do that"senario.thats your exuces.iwhat i mean is at the first contact or encounter did you get a feeling that said" this is wrong"?and if so what drove you to continue on.these are your own weaknesses and it needs to be addressed and corrected by you.theres no doubt that your husband was lacking in the needs department,that allowed you to feel unloved..etc.and made you vulnerable to attention from others.those issues will need to be dealt with.
how to tell him is a tough one.we dont know your husband.does he suspect anything at all.does he feel the marriage is going good.i'll have to asumme that you had needs not being met prior to the A so was he notifiyed of the problem.was any effort made to correct the issue prior to the A.i know this is alot so answer these questions to yourself if its too much to write.