My first post here. My name says it all, I am a fool and you will think so too when you keep reading. My W and I have had sexual fantasies about her having sex with another man, I initiated htese fantasies and it really did work in our sex life. The fantasy for me was actually good. Well after talking about these fantasies for a long time she found someone and did it. She asked me many times beforehand if I was OK with it, I said yes and I really thought I was. Even after it happened I was OK for a few days. then I just couldn't stop thinking about it, and I still can't. It's been over a month and I can't sleep or concentrate on anything. We talk about it a lot. I know it meant nothing to her, she didn't know him and hasn't seen or talked to him since. She only did it for our sex life. She says that it wasn't even good because she felt so weird and uncomfortable while doing it because she felt she was doing something wrong. I feel so foolish and stupid for doing this, I feel incredibly sorry for her having to deal with this. I feel resentment towards her for doing it, although I have no right to at all. I just can't get the picture of her doing this out of my head. I'm not asking for sympathy because I don't think I deserve it, but I am asking for any advice anyone can give me to help me get through this. I love my W more than anything in the worl and our marriage is the most important thing to me.

you took the words"do anything for love" to extreme.you know you cant undo what s done.you can ensure it wont ever happen again.and that should be the focus now.the fact that you intitiated the thought but your wife went out and found the person to do it woth concerns me.i hope you hav'nt opened a can of worms here.i dont need to ask why the fantasy.it was just that...i do wonder why she made it real and you consented to it.i cant see "love" being the reason.i wont call you a fool or judge you.it was a decision that you two made.you agree now that it was a mistake,does your wife feel the same?its something you two really need to talk about.

Thank you so much for the reply. I had major concerns about her going out and finding someone to do it with. We have talked about this often, she is a very attractive woman and could have sex anytime she wanted I'm sure. The fantasy has been going on for a long time, about 3 years I think. She says the opportunity just happen to present itself with the perfect situation. He lives a few hours away so she wouldn't just happen to see him around. She explained to me that this was the perfect situation if we were going to do this, I agreed. I beleive that she is very sorry this happened, and I truly beleive that it will never happen again. It's jus the picture of that I can't get out of my head, which ironically was the same picture that was such fuel for sex between us. HELP!

I do not think your fantasy is uncommon. Many couples enjoy these stories. The point of course is that you crossed the line by saying that you were fine with her actually having sex with another man in real life. The boundaries should have been made clear at the beginning but you encouraged her. I really feel sorry for you because you are beating yourself up for this and you have to live with your part in all of this.
Nevertheless it sounds like your wife loves you and did it to make you happy. Remember a fantasy should stay as a fantasy but you know this now.
In time the pain will hopefully go away. I would suggest that you both go into marriage counseling on how to deal with this or it just may eat you up inside for way too long. I wish you luck.

Thanks for the advice. I feel so frustrated because I have absolutely no one that can identify with what I'm going through, I mean who would be stupid enough to do what I have done?? We have scheduled to meet with a therapist, but again, I don't think she will be able to have empathy for me or identify what I'm going through. GRRRR...I hate this feeling.

I cant totally relate to your situation. After I found out about my W A's I thought that the problem was that she wanted to experiment and did not know how to tell me. So I decided to experiment with her. We invited a female friend of hers in to our bed one night. Although it is a lot of mens fantasies and it was an interesting experiance. Things were different between us, other than the strain her affairs placed upon us. I think she did it to make herself feel better about her A's by letting me sleep with another woman. We have not done that again. I did not feel right about it. It was not a good way to bond our marriage.

What I can relate to is when I truly found out about my W's A's was by me hearing her having sex with another man through a window. It tore me up. After that everytime we were intimate together I would get bothered by the noise she would make... It would remind me of it. We are 7mo post d-day. Things are better now. I dont have the images hardly anymore. It is tough... but the mental images will fade away.

Be glad that she loves you. It was a mistake that you both made caught up in the heat of the moment. Talk to her... but dont make her out to be the bad person. She was only doing what BOTH of you thought was "right".

It will get better....

Foolishone,

It sounds like you are doing the right thing by going to a therapist. It is one thing to be mad at someone else but worst to be mad at yourself. After I read your first message I talked to my girlfriend myself to make sure that the games we play with our fantasies remain only in our fantasies and never cross the realm of reality. It is ironic that you will never be able to enjoy that fantasy again for it will lead to great pain for your instead of pleasure.
What has been the reaction of your wife to your pain and your admittance that it was a total mistake. Have you asked what she would be feeling now if she knew that you had gone and had sex with another woman just to spice up your sex life with your wife? She needs to have empathy for the pain and anguish that you are going through. How is trying to make you feel better about yourself? I wish you luck.

I hope everyone on this site learns from me and does just what you did in making sure with your SO that fantasies stay just that.

She feels absolutly terrible about it. She wants me to ask her anything I want about it and to talk about it with her when I'm feeling terrible, but everytime I do she cries like a baby. The more we talk the better I feel, but I think she feels worse. So, I try to not say too much about it unless I feel I just absolutly have to.

The last 2 posts have made me feel really good about someday being able to not think about it every second of the day and night like I am now.

Today she told me she feels like she is under a microscope and everything she does is amplified and disected by me. I guess she is right, but I don't know how else to feel. It made me feel really bad when she said that considering that she really did nothing wrong. I'm going to try very hard to not make her feel like a bad person. I hope I can do it!!!

Foolishone,

Like I said previously I feel I have learned from you and I hope you are feeling better. There is something that I find confusing and maybe you can explain it to me. On the one hand you say that your wife cries like a baby when you discuss what happened. On the other hand, she tells you that she feels that she did absolutlely nothing wrong. If this is the way she feels that why is she crying? Is she crying because she feels that this may have lead to the end of your marriage? How can she feel remorse if she feels that she did nothing wrong? I am just confused and hopefully you will explain this to me. I wish you luck.

Oh, she definitely feels like she did something wrong. I am the one that feels that she didn't since I started the fantasy, encouraged it and told her that, yes , I wanted her to do it the thousand or so times she asked.

I'm sure her crying is a combination of the fear of our marriage breaking up, guilt and remorse. I still feel like **** and like a complete and utter idiot. I am just keeping up hope that it won't last forever. Thanks for all your kind words and advice.

I hope you are doing better and I appreciate you answering all of my questions because I really do understand where you are coming from. I have a couple of other questions if you don't mind.
I assume you no longer use this fantasy when you are intimate with your wife. After so many years is it a problem having sex without the fantasies? Has what happened stopped you from wanting to be intimate? How has your wife responded to sex without the fantasy? What are the emotions that both of you have to deal with if you engage in lovemaking. I can just imagine all sorts of problems and I would like to know how you and your wife are working through these issues. I really wish you the best and hope that this nightmare for you goes away soon.

NO, we no longer use this fantasy when we make love. Part of the fantasy was for her to come home to me and make love immidiately afterwards (I know that must sound extremely weird, but it was what it was), and she did and it was great. At that time we were both still caught up in the fantasy and I hadn't had time to start thinking about it. when I did is when I started feeling stupid and angry and like I had made a HUGE mistake. The picture of it had turned from great to awful, strange how the mind works against you.

The next time we tried to have sex, I just couldn't do it...nothing was happeneing, it was the most awful feeling I think I have ever had, my wife had always been the most sexy, sexual, exciting person I have ever met and I thought that was all over. I thought I would literally die!

A few days later we tried again and it went pretty much like clockwork. Some images crept into my head, but I pushed them away. It has gotten better with time, but it's not totally gone away. We have other fantasies, but we both now know that they are only fantasies. Oddly enough this hasn't seemed to diminish their effect, if I had only known that 2 months ago!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I'm rambling. The sex is still great. we have our first visit with a therapist tomorrow. I am extremely nervous about it, I hope all goes well. I'll post updates.

Again, thanks for all the advice and help!!