Hello, I must say, I really appreciate all of the advice that you guys have all given me.
Get this: Today my H went to work and who does he see in the hallway? The OW of course who happened to be hanging around. I asked him how he felt and he said "How do you think I feel" I asked him if he wanted to talk to her and if he feels tempted and he said "Yes".
Then the little homewreaker goes and calls his cellphone. He said he didn't answer, but the fact is, she won't leave him alone. Even though they don't speak to each other, she calls him everday.
The way I see it, I try not to bring her up as much because I know he then starts thinking about her but everytime she calls him, he thinks about her anyway.
I'm really tempted to call the dept. and blow everything out of the water but I won't ruin my husbands career that way. I just don't know what else to do.
I get on my husband because I tell him that he needs to show some coldness and firmness with her about leaving him alone, but he just tells me that he's not going to talk to her at all.
I just want her to leave him alone and she won't. Does anyone have any advice? It would really help. Thanks

I am so sorry Deb.
This is hard to hear from him I am sure. At least he is talking to you about it. You should praise him for that.
I think he needs to request a transfer. Can that be done??? Can he request that he have a different shift??? I know that YOU do not want to be the one to blow this out of the water. But ask him this.
"if a job move was all it took to make her leave you alone, and us to be able to move past this, could you do it???""
Isn't there someone that he can talk to at work. Explain what happened. And then move him. What if he gets repremanded?? She will too, and she will know he means business. You do not want her to be the one to "talk" first anyway, do you.???
IMHO, he has to change his location.
let me know what you think??
tra

Traceys,
I don't think a job transfer is possible. My H has only been with the dept for a short time and is still on probation. It actually took him a long time to get this job in the first place and to tell you the truth I don't think I could ask him to give up his lifelong dream of being a police officer. He has been trying for six years and it finally just happened.
So I don't think that's an option here. I wish it was but it really isn't.
If only the OW would leave him alone, we could probably work things out a little easier.
I have a feeling that she's going to give up so easily. But neither am I!! I'll fight her till the end!!

Correction: I have a feeling that she's NOT going to give up so easily.

Well, you're facing one of the things I had to face, I won't go into details here, but after H ended his affair, the OW transfered from her position in another city to my H's office building. Needless to say, I wasn't too pleased. BUT...my H did everything he could to avoid her, he had other co-workers running interference for him, he wouldn't answer his phone if her number showed up...luckily there were six floors between him and her, but it sure didn't stop her from trying.

He was GREAT whenever she tried and didn't succeed, he told me. Everytime she cornered him...I knew as soon as he could get to a phone. Everytime there was a meeting which he knew about in advance, he warned me.

I NEVER blamed his for her actions...those he couldn't control...I did expect and he lived up to his responsibities for his actions.

Let's be frank here...most men don't view another's man infidelity as we who have been betrayed do...unless they've lived it...so...maybe your H should get some of his co-workers into "protecting" him from this lady cop's advances. He can tell them as much or as little as he's comfortable with...but if some of the other male and female cops start helping him avoid her...she'll likely get THE message sooner rather then later. And who knows...her reputation could use a little truth being known. jmho

Now my H to this day thinks that his other co-workers didn't have a clue...yeah right! But I really didn't care...he's the one who had to work with them, and if it wasn't office gossip or if it was...that was his problem...and hopefully hers!!!!

But the more honest your H is about any chance meetings or phone calls, rather he talks to her or not...the better. Sounds like he is really trying.

Good Luck!

Debbie:

I am truly sorry that this is happening to you. You have a difficult road ahead, but I sense that you are a strong person, and you will be able to get through this.

I'm a police sergeant, and I realize that this is unsolicited advice, but your husband needs to think about telling his supervisor what's going on NOW. It sounds risky, but it's the only real protection he can get at work. The truth matters.

I know you were seeking some MB help, but don't overlook this issue, either. It's a hot button in our industry.

Essentially, H is being sexually harassed at work, AND H NEEDS TO TELL HIS BOSS BEFORE SHE DOES!!! Let H tell his boss he screwed up, but now he wants to work on his marriage, and the female coworker's actions are bothering him.

H may want to contact his Police Association attorney first to figure out the best course of action for notification, since adultery won't get him fired, but they might question his judgment a bit (they can let him go for any reason when he's on probation) -- if he really wants to cover the bases. If H doesn't report this first, I assure you -- when OW feels scorned -- bye, bye job!

If she makes a sexual harassment claim against him first, he'll get fired so quickly as a probationary release, neither of you will know what hit you.

Granted, there is a slight risk of probationary release based on H's poor judgment (fooling around at work while married, and still on probation -- and I pray he wasn't actually having sex on duty), but it beats getting fired on a sexual harassment beef. If that happens, he won't ever be a cop anywhere again.

If nothing else, at least protect your income for now!

Good luck and God Bless You!