I don't know where to begin. This is all a shock to me and I'm so confused, frustrated, and mad all rolled into one. I knew for two months things weren't right. He was distant, like his mind was elsewhere. I asked several times if things were okay and he said he was just stressed out. I thought he was telling the truth because I was stressed out too. We had several things going on over the holiday season so I thought he was telling the truth. On January 4th he finally broke down and told me what was on his mind. He said he wanted our sex life to be as it was when we first got married. He said he needed to feel that passion again. He wanted the cuddling and closeness that we once shared too. That week I did tried to provide that for him. I would lay with him on the couch and cuddle but I knew something was not right. His arm just laid limp across my waist. There was not closeness from him. I tried other things too but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. I talked to him again on January 11th and he said he was in shock that I was actually trying and he didn't want to give in too soon because he thought it would end if he gave in. The following week we were very intimate but I still knew something was wrong. I went to bed one night and waited for a goodnight kiss but none was offered. I knew it was the beginning of the end. I was the one initiating the goodnight kisses before, I wanted to see if he would offer one to me. The next day I woke up and he was on his computer at 5:30 a.m. I knew something was up. He has been addicted to internet porn for the last five years of our marriage. We had many talks and cries about his addiction and I explained to him how much it hurt me. He would stop for a few days to a week and then start again.

January 16th is my D-day. I found emails from him to another woman. My heart was crushed. How could he do this to me. I confronted him that night and he said it was him. He said he thought our marriage was over. I feel so betrayed by him. He is giving me all these excuses but I just will not accept them as truth but as an excuse for his actions.

Two years ago he was diagnosed with an illness that will eventually put him in a wheelchair. He is planning on killing himself when that day comes. He says he doesn't want me to be around for that day and wants me to find another person to spend my life with before it's too late (I'm 36). My mother commited suicide, so he knows my feelings about that and I don't know if he is using this for just another excuse, playing on my emotions, or if it is true. How am I supposed to leave someone I love knowing he is going to do this? I just cry all the time. He is trying to convince me that I have not been happy in this marriage. I just don't understand how he can say that. Sure things haven't been great but I didn't think things were this bad.

He is continuing to see this OW. Their emails consisted of making plans for their future together. He continuously tells me that she is only a friend and that nothing happened between them. He says he will never tell another woman that he loves her because he doesn't want to have a deep relationship like we had. He just wants to party, do drugs, and have fun till he dies and says that I will not want to be around him while he is doing this. His emails to her don't sound depressed or of a man that is planning on killing himself. He sounds happy and looking forward to life with her. It is all so sad. I can't believe this is going on. He moved out today. I'm so sad and hurt.

Thank you for listening and please share your thoughts with me.

Shade

Shade.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Just know you are not alone .

It seems you have an added problem of your husbands so far undisclosed medical problem. I am suspecting it is neurological in origin ( please correct me if I am wrong). He as you need a great deal of councelling. If you , yourself are not already in it do so , it may help you unravel quite a large portion of his behaviour. He no doubt has a specialist he is under care from , perhaps a call to him/her maybe of benefit.. anti -d's maybe in order.

Changes in ones health can set off a chain of events, that seem unstopable.. but they are. With time effort and outside help.

Its not also uncommon for a partner with a life changing disease to feel their partner will not want them when they are ill and become more and more dependant. Its done out of love, but done in some not so pleasant ways.

The most important thing for you right now is to look after yourself. Gather all the support around you , you can. Keep posting and let us know how are you doing today.

Take care.

I agree with dino here...I think his illness has caused much of this, it's "messed" with his normal thinking processes and he's taken the wrong approach.

I don't know that without a lot of professional help that he'll see that what he is doing is self-defeating or not. (You might contact his doctor and tell him what your H is saying and doing...don't know if it would make much difference...but you never know.)

I also think he is using this as an excuse...he is NOT thinking of sparing you. Sorry, but if this were true, he would have left first...not betrayed first, then left.

Seek out some counseling for yourself to help you understand that none of this is your fault. It has/had nothing to do with your relationship with him, he's taken it...twisted it...in an effort to justify what he is thinking/doing. I don't think he is thinking clearly...but without help...I don't see this situation getting any better...sorry. jmho

Please look into your legal options...you need to protect yourself...and at the same time, protect him as much as possible.

Good Luck!

Last night he came over to the house and told me he would do anything to take it all back and make it right again. He knows he is making the biggest mistake of his life but he just doesn't know how to undo what has been done. He says that if the shoe was on the other foot he could not get past all this. He said he didn't realize that I loved him as much as I do. I told him that what he is saying about doing anything to take it back and make it right is not true. Because, again, he refuses to go to a counselor or find a different job. How can I feel comfortable with him working where she is? Neither one of us have any idea how to get through this and I feel a counselor will at the very least get us thinking about how to deal with this. He says he loves me and cares about me. Is he just saying this to make me feel good now? I'm so confused. How could he love me and care for me and then do this to me? I really think he is going through an early midlife crisis. I refuse to accept what he is telling me about his death and that he wants me to start a new life before it is too late for me to find another person. Why is he then bringing another woman into his life? Why is it okay for her to have to go through his death? I told him last night that I felt like I was grieving his death already. That is just how I feel. How do you make yourself stop loving somebody and to know the person you thought was your entire world is now in the arms of another woman planning their future together. It is just so hard to deal with. I don't know what are lies and what is real anymore. I'm so confused. I don't think he is being honest with himself or with me on what is really going on in his mind. He seems to have all bases covered for every question I ask and it is driving me nuts. I just don't feel he is being totally honest and I cannot make an honest determination if I even want to try and get through this with him if I don't know what has really upset him to the point that he has done this to us. So far everything he has told me has been just little things, nothing huge, or unmoral on my part which leaves me so confused. Just small things. There has to be a lot more to it then that in my eyes. I know small things add up but nothing has been 'that' bad.

Shade

Yes. A third party will indeed help with you and your husbands woes at present. Im with Wifey here I can see no other way through it for you.

You havent corrected me on the neurological disorder, so I am assuming my suspiscions are correct. I am going to direct you to a board, where you may find more insight than I can possibly give here( without giving my details here), into what your husbands perception of what is happening to him. ( anything has got to help right now yeah?) I am quite versed in many disorders of the CNS. Treatments are improving,remember there is always hope.

HarvardMancer

There is a drop down box at the bottom of the page to help you find the specific forum you are looking for.( evne if it is not CNS related)

All of us here can understand your confusion, pain and frustrations you are feeling, they are all normal. Do remember to look after yourself, running off adrenalins is not such a healthy thing to do . Seek out medical assistance if you feel you need it to help you through this time ( its generally short term..)

Do understand and your husband also has to understand aswell, he can't just take this back. Its done. It has to be dealt with. He has major issues going on that have inturn affected you very negatively and painfully.

Get some outside help ...please.

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: dinotopia ]</small>

Thank you so much for caring. It means more to me than anything right now.

You are correct. He was diagnosed with Stiff Man Syndrome two years ago. It consumes his every thought. He is very upset about it. He says things like: I have to go to work everyday and work my butt off and for what, I won't get to enjoy retirement. Once I gave him a compliment saying his tummy looked slim. He said to me: Ya, that's the sign of death. He had been working out and dieting because of a small pot belly. Actually, he was trying to buff up for her. He didn't sign up for life insurance when we moved and he found a different job, so after about one year I put him on my insurance. We have always had life insurance just in case. He accused me of getting life insurance for him because I knew he was going to die in 10 years. I just about fell off my chair when he said that.

I know he needs to talk to somebody. I have tried everything to get him to talk to somebody but he flat out refuses. He says there is nothing anybody can do for him.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have tried everything I can think of to be a supportive, loving wife.

Thanks again for you kind words. I appreciate it.

Shade

I wanted to let you know that after I replied to you I went and looked at the link you provided. I found that board a month or so ago and posted a question on the Stiff Man Syndrome board. Nobody has responded yet.

Thank you though.

Shade

Shade,
Some of those boards are quite quiet. Your husbands disease is one of the rarer ones. Perhaps you could repost elsewhere in the general neurology. Many folks there deal with depression and anger....many beat it... its a support forum just as this, lean on them for all your worth to try and gather some insight into his psych.He is angry yes and OW is probably nothing more than an escape to rid himself of some of his frustrations.

I am gathering by your post your husband is not under psychiatric care? Would he at all consider it? It is nothing to be ashamed of. With diseases of the CNS it is ohh so very common for depression to sneak in or in many cases just pounce . It certainly sounds like stiff mans has your husband at present and not your husband has stiff mans. There is a big difference.

HE( well you both) need help, you I am afraid cannot make him do this, but try to assure him you are there for him, that you can help him walk this path.Also medication he, no doubt is on , could also be affecting him adversly...another reason to check in with his specialist.If your husband by a previous post is self medicating, perhaps with alcohol, mixing that with treatment drugs of the cns can be disasterous.

And I am going to say again .Please remember to look after yourself.

I wanted to let you know that after I replied to you I went and looked at the link you provided. I found that board a month or so ago and posted a question on the Stiff Man Syndrome board. Nobody has responded yet.

Thank you though.

Shade

Thank you again. I'm not sure how I made a duplicate reply, sorry.

He will not even consider going to the doctor again. He went through pure hell trying to find out what was wrong with him. The doctors accused him of it all being in his mind. He went through several tests.

At present, he does not mix alcohol and drugs. He does not do drugs that I am aware of. He says the medication his doctor gave him is helping with the pain and as long it is helping he refuses to up the dose as prescribed by his doctor. He refuses to go to counseling because of a bad childhood experience with a counselor.

He came over again last night and we talked for a long time. We both talked about what led us to this point. Ironically, both of us had the same or similar concerns/issues. Some of them we had discussed before but obviously not in the right way. We are taking a break from seeing and talking to each other tonight. I did ask if he talked to the OW yesterday and he said he had. I feel he still needs her for security. We don't know if we even want to try again or it this relationship is worth fixing. There have been too many hurt feelings and we are trying to figure that out right now but he continues to see/talk to her so I don't feel he is even giving this an honest effort.

I really appreciate your time.

Your are right, Stiff Man Syndrome has him.

Thanks again,

Shade

apologies for assuming he was mixing alcohol , I kind of took it that way when you had posted all he wanted to do was party.

The art of neurology is one that wears blinkers. The cns is the least understood bit of us all. I can assure you , your husband is not the only one that has a list of neuros one feels like stabbing. He certainly is not alone there..If a disease does not stick out like a sore thumb, waiting for a DX can be a painstaking road to say the least. For the known diseases of cns there is probably twice as many unknown.Many neuros find it easier to say .. hey its all in your head, because they cant see it or palpate it,and it leaves a very bitter taste in your mouth.

By the way its good he does not wish to up his dose, going there too early minimises the effect when symptoms do increase.

Everyone here will support any decision you make on your relationship.I wish I could reach out and give you a hug , you so very much deserve.

let your husband know I am thinking of him too.

Take care.