Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum
This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at
mbrestored@gmail.com
|
|
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 12
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 12 |
My W and I are still in different countries. I am going home really soon, but it may be to late for us. It has been a month in a half since she find out about my As, and with me not with her she is about ready to give up. I really do not know what else to do. I have been painfully honest with her and I have answered all her questions time and time again. When she thinks I am hiding something or telling a lie, she threatens divorce and it kills me to hear her say that. I would not be here if I did not want to save this relationship from falling even more apart then it already is.
I talk to her everyday, and more if I need to. I enjoy talking to her, hearing about her day and the such. She asked me today how I can pretend that nothing is wrong. I know that there is something wrong and it needs to be fixed. I feel like that I need to keep moving forward with the conversation instead of talking about the same things and getting nowhere. I have told her everything and I will continue to for the rest of my life if she lets me. She feels like I am not being remorsful in my actions, and I am. But how can she know it if she is not with me to see it???
She brought out today a fact that I have never really thought about. In every relationship I have ever had I cheated in one way or another. I have always felt like it was fine and I do not know why. When I was having an A I felt like nothing was wrong until after I was alone and looked at myself in the mirror. I can not stand the person staring back at me and I want to change that person. I am not perfect, I have never claimed to be. But I want to change for the sake of my sanity and the love of my life before I loose her. How can someone like me change for the better when she tells me that I am a creature of habit and now that I have cheated that it is easier for me to do it again?
She also asks me how I can ever respect her if she stays with me. I asked her the same question about me. I want us to work and I love her. One more question she asked was if I loved her so much why did I cheat. I told her that people cheat even though they may love there spouse more hten life, but I really had nothing more to say after that. I was sad, depressed, felt lonely, and that no one in my family never really needed me. i foulnd that false when I went home and spent time again with my W and D. It was wonderful and unpredictable and I want more of that. I want to feel needed and that I contribute to the family instead of just bringing home a pay-check. Can anyone please give me advise???
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,546 |
Heller ,
just wanted to let you know that I read what you wrote. I myself am the BS and my H was in the kinda same situation as you seem to be in. Along with not feeling needed we were going through a very difficult time of our life. So many things led to another. When I found out, I was devasted. I thought his depression and strange behaviour was due to the problems we were going through. (business problems)
It has been over 2 years since d-d and my H respects me more than ever because I did stick with him and I didn't just give up. I stuck with him because I know he isn't a monster nor is he evil. He made the wrong decision and I have learned that he is not perfect. Neither of us are.
We have learned to talk about our feelings. We have learned to speak out for what we need in order to be happy.
I would suggest for you to read all you can about Emotion Needs. This is what I believe "affairs" are all about. But we have changed that and our marriage is definately better than ever, we are fullfilling our needs and I'm sure this is the key for a happy relationship.
How about sending your wife a little parcel. Give her signs of affection and you might want to write her a letter and express your true feelings to her. There is also a very good book that I can really recommend:" His Needs Her Needs" Read it!!!!!
I believe that affairs happen because needs are not being fullfilled. In an affair needs like: admiration, conversation, affection and sexual fullfillment are fullfilled in a very high level. The only problem is, this never lasts a life time.
It's a fantasy because reality is not involved. This is why marriages require alot of work. It's surely not easy but it's possible.
take care bb
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,516
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,516 |
You're facing a hard path as long as the two of you are separated by miles and miles. Really, about all you can do is to continue on the path you're on and be honest.
Please, as soon as you return home, get into counseling. Try to get your W to agree to not make any decisions until the two of you have a chance to work through some of this together face to face.
Do whatever you possible can to understand that your W is very confused. If I were her...I wouldn't be buying into very much of whatever you are saying at this point. Sorry, but jmho. You're over there...I'm here...I have no way of knowing if what you are saying is the truth. I have no way of knowing that you're not out cheating everytime you get off the phone. Maybe she isn't nearly as bad as I think I would be...but she could be.
Get home as soon as possible...that's where you need to be! If your in the military...I'd get an emergency family leave if able. If your civilian, I'd do my very best to get my butt home. jmho
You're job is not as important as your marriage...is it? How long before you will be home on the schedule you have now?
Good Luck!
|
|
|
0 members (),
1,138
guests, and
56
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,032
|
Most Online6,102 Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
|