I'm 35 & married 15 years. My H is 40 and we have 3 kids. The OM is a friend of ours. His first marriage produced 3 kids. Then he lived with a woman for 8 years that produced 2 kids. He's an alcoholic and is facing some jail time due to some DUI's and a parole violation. He lived with us for a few months while he tried to "get back on his feet".
My H is very reserved and quiet and lacks passion for anything. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. My H and I had been struggling for about a year b-4 the OM entered the picture. We had been going to a counselor and trying to work thru some issues. We were drifting apart because of his lack of interest in our marriage and I was becoming more & more out of love w/him. My H was very aware of our problems.
I found companionship and friendship in the OM. He & I liked to do a lot of the same things plus we liked to try new things. He took me hunting, fishing, and boating with him and we truly enjoyed a good friendship. I always asked my H b-4 I did anything with the OM and he'd say OK and never seemed to have any problem with it. If he did, he never communicated or showed it. I always assumed it took the pressure off of my H to have someone else meet the needs of mine that he didn't enjoy or had a difficult time meeting.
The friendship w/the OM became closer, and we ended up admitting our mutual feelings to each other.
As it is now, the OM has moved back in with his 2 kids and CLW and is facing jail this Thursday. My last contact w/him was this past weekend.
I told my H everything last night. (Mon, 2/3) I told my H that I never want to do anything like that again and that one of the reasons I decided to tell him was because I loved him more than anything or anyone and that I wanted and needed his help and accountability because I don't want to have a relationship with anyone else. I communicated to him that I was willing to do anything he asked. He was very gracious and told me he thought a big part of the reason this happened was because I was having needs that weren't being met. But, he is dealing with a lot of pain, confusion & anger today. B-4 he left for work, he hugged & kissed me and told me he loved me and that he did want our marriage to work.
I'm undeservingly blessed.
I meant what I said to him about not wanting to have a relationship with anyone else. I never want this to happen ever again.
I haven't told the OM that its over. I can't send a letter or email because his CLW will intercept it. I think I will just not answer if he calls and wait it out till Thursday when he will be going away for a year.
Thanks fo listening to my story.

Hi Cricket,

Congratulations on telling your H. You've done a VERY brave thing. I know that it was probably the hardest thing that you've ever done in your life...

That being said, I wanted to share a few thoughts from a BS perspective that will help you and your H as you rebuild your M.

Both you and your H need to find a good, pro-marriage MC and start going. You may even want to start IC as well, but definitely start MC.

Read all of the articles here on the MB Web site, especially the EN questionair. Get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and read it together.

The emotions that your H is experiencing are all very real and right now, he probably feels as if his world has just collapsed. My advice to you is to be TOTALLY honest in EVERYTHING that you do, no matter how small it may seem.... If you say that you're going to take out the trash at 5:00 pm, then take out the trash at 5:00 pm. Any change or reason for not doing so will just reinforce the "fact" that your H can't trust what you say. Look for ways to SHOW your H that you are committed to him and the M.

Another poster on your previous thread mentioned honesty... My FWW "controled" her answers to my questions for several months. This did more to set us back than the A's themselves. You MUST answer your H's questions. If you try to "protect" his feelings or "minimize" the pain by giving him bits and pieces to his questions, you will NOT be doing him a favor. Right now, your H needs to know what happened... only YOU , the OM , and God know what happened... Your H deserves to know as well if you are truly committed to rebuilding your M.

One caution on "telling all"... you should tell your H the "main" issues that happened during the A... we had sex, we met at our house, ect... but be careful in sharing the intimate details unless your H asks for them. Many BS don't want to know the graphic details and you should respect their desires. If your H asks for the graphic details, then swallow your pride and tell him... He is an adult and if he asks, then he should be prepared to handle your answer. Again, don't sugar coat your answers to "protect" your H. And please don't "ration" the truth... hoping that he will take it better a "little" at a time... this will come back and bite you...

I'm sure others here will have some more advice... again, you did the right thing in telling your H... Hang in there, you've both chosen a very hard road, but you CAN recover from this and rebuild your M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Cricket,

Congratulations on doing a very very difficult thing. Rebuilding has given you some great advice about honesty. I would like to offer some more.

Please excuse me but I don't recall how much you have read here and what if any books. I would strongly recommend two books His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair by Harley.

You haven't really said how your H reacted to this news other than he said he still loves you. You are about to see and find out things you never realized about him. For one you are seeing that he indeed does love you. You will come to realize that he shows it in different ways than you expected.

I mentioned the books for two reasons: 1. They will help you as you go through withdrawal and the other parts of ending an A. You will understand things better. 2. I don't know your H's willingness to read books of this sort, but if you read them he might as well. I hope so.

I think if he starts to read them and gets by terms such as : "love bank", "love busters", "needs" (all sort of touchy feely and a turn off for many of us guys, he will see that there is an organized plan. Many men seem to like the Harley approach because once you get by some of the terms, it is very organized and quite clear. It is NOT touchy feely. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> There is cause and effect and the relationships are clear.

Please offer these resources to your H and also do find a good counselor to help you two.

You both have a few phases to go through. The books explains them and why they exist. Few if any people really skip the steps. The degree of difficulty varies.

One, thing I suspect your H is going to stuggle with is the timing of you telling him. OM is going to jail for a year. So you choose #2 until he gets out. I hope this isn't true, but I would bet good money your H is going to feel this way. No Contact letter is I think very very important for your H. He needs to see it and approve it, and he needs to be the one that mails it.

You are going to go through withdrawal, just like a drug addict. How long depends on many things: the length of your affair, the depth of your feelings, your level of guilt. You will feel guilt as your H tries to deal with this and you come out of the fog. It is hard to deal with. But, you need to talk with someone about your feelings during withdrawal and your feelings of guilt. Do you know who that someone is? Yup, your H. It will hurt him to hear that you still have feelings for OM, but your honesty will help. It will also help him guage as your feelings change: you won't need to talk about OM and your H will be able to tell.

If you read this site for awhile you will get a sense of what your H is about to go through. The self-doubt, the doubts about you, his feelings of failure. You will find that it is likely that he will blame himself as much or more than you. He will need your honesty like never before.

I would strongly recommend that you read Harley's four rules for a good marriage and really carefully read the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. It is very radical, but when you think about it, it is the way to remove resentment from a marriage and to get both people working together.

It is clear you need your H more involved in your recreational activities. Was he ever? Has he changed in the last few years? Keep out for signs of depression your part as well as your H's.

So much to say. But, mainly I want to say that you will come to realize that you have done something very good for your H and your marriage by telling him. If you both respond well to this new dynamic, you can indeed have a much better marriage.

Keep posting and asking questions. If your H is interested have him post as well. We have had quite a few husband and W posters on this site. If they are civil with each other, they really learn alot.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL