Good morning..evening... night.. whatever time it is right now for you.

I just wanted to write a little message to those of you who feel like there is no hope left.Or those who just found this haven and are a little lost on one of the most painful journeys in your life.

There is hope. It does get better. We are 7mo. post D-Day. It has not been easy. We have fought... called each other names... Hated each other... loved each other... had good times and had bad times. Yet we are still here.

I am a FBS. I discovered my W A's last summer. She is not all that good at covering her tracks. I did not know where to turn. I tried family and friends... I got some ok advice, but no answers. I did everything wrong. I confronted one of the OM. Although this made me feel good for a bit.. I was displacing my anger on one person not accepting that "It takes two to tango".

I hated her... I could not even look her in the eye. I wanted to kill her. She took all the trust I gave her.. all the love... all the honesty and used it and tossed it away. BUT... I wanted to try. It would have been real easy to just walk. Turn around and just leave. Let her stew in her misery. I could not do that. The day we got married I made her a promise that I would try for her until my dying day. I dont take my promises lightly. I did not want to try, but a promise is a promise.

This started the most painful experience I have ever done. I eventually found this web site and started posting. This helped me. Although I dont agree with all the Harley's processes... The basic premise works. The most powerful tool that I was able to use was communication. Honest open no holds barred.. take the gloves off.. down and dirty honesty. I told her how I felt, but did not yell or judge. I let her know I was hurt. I let her know she destroyed my trust, but I let her know I still loved her.

Full disclosure is a must. She fought me on this but eventually relented. I let her know, one screw up and I was ancient history.

I did not want all the gory details. Just the abridged version. She had to let me know everywhere she was. She checked in with me every where she went and very frequently through out the day. Thank god for cell phones. Fortunately I have a little knowledge in computer systems and was able to monitor her work e-mail and instant messaging through out the day. Drastic I know.. but justified in my mind.

It took a long time before some trust started creeping back in to our lives. Now I trust her, not completely, but enough that I am not freaking out when I am not around her. We are becoming happy again. The laughter is back in our lives.

The one important thing I can pass off to you as advice is to STAND YOUR GROUND! Dont waffle. Let your WS know what you want and what you need to regain the trust. Dont be afraid to let them know if they cant or dont follow what you need... you will walk. You also have to be strong enough to follow through. If you do have to leave. NO CONTACT! Cut it off. It will be hard, but if they are not willing to go the distance for you... they are not worth your love or time.

Things can get better. There is hope for you. It just takes work. Lots of communication.. and honesty. I know... it has worked fom me.

Good luck on your journey... if you need any help or just a shoulder to cry on.. I am here.

Madnav

Great to hear from you Madnav, for a minute I thought you had taken a cruise thru the devil's triangle. And great words of wisdom for all the newbies, from somebody that's gone thru hell and back. Keep up the good work.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Nice to hear from those who are now living in the light of a happy marriage! Peace and happiness as you travel your path together.

Hi Madnav, I was pleased to read your story when I checked in (which I don't do so often anymore). I hope you and W keep working on things for always. I am glad she has seen your worth.

Its good moral for all of us.

Peace
Liz

Thank you for your story. It gives me a ray of hope on those times when I am feeling my lowest.

Good to hear from Coffeeman and Seahorse... Sorry I disappeared there for a bit. I needed to focus on my life. I found at the time I was reading posts and posting here I was holding on to my anger and reliving D-day over and over. I needed a break for a bit. It helped. I now feel like I am on the other side of this and the light at the end of the tunnel is shining brightly... BUT.. I still keep one ear to the ground. I am not going to be caught unaware again. I know it sounds cynical.. but bite me once shame on you.. bite me twice shame on me. I think now I might be able to help some of the newbies out there get through this.