I have been with my H since we were both 18, 17 years now, 12 married.
He has a computer which he always does his work, when he works from home, In November I happened to walk by it, and started to read his work emails, which I had never done. There were alot of emails he had exchanged back and forth with a Women, inappropiate and very flirty, with words, as Hi Honey, Baby, Darling etc and sexual innuendos. They did not work in the same office, but I know they saw each other at least once a month when he had to visit the other office or she visited his. I confronted him, and he said they were nothing, she was a friend, and they were just joking around. I told him I wanted him to keep it to a work level relationship only. He agreed. The next week when he was working from home, I again looked at his computer and she had sent him an email, The first email she had sent, he answered and deleted but I saw this response before he got back to the computer. I totally lost it and He got scared that I was going to kick him out. I told him to call her and tell her just work related, business emails from this point on. I also told him I wanted to listen in to hear her response. He Agreed. She wasn't at her desk that morning so I told him to email her telling her the same thing. She reponded with Call me. I did listen when he called her and she said OK, and does Pete(his boss) want to know what was going on between us? and she laughed. She thought my Husbands boss had seen the emails, I don't really know what she meant by that question because she asked him a work question next. But I didn't get the impression that anything had happened yet? I don't know how they could have been meeting, H is always home when he says he is going to be? H did give me his passwords to be able to check up on him at work, and I have not seen anything since, they did exchange work emails but no more flirty context. He will also tell me if he has to work on a work problem with her or if she called him. In July, I did hear him on the phone with this women and I didn't like how he was talking to her on the phone, and I told him so, we got into a fight over it. But he obviously didn't listen to me and continued this relationship anyway. He tells me nothing physical happened, I feel like he cheated on me, at least emotionally. I keep looking for something more but I haven't found anything other then the emails.
Also, after finding these emails, I went through his computer and found many downloaded porno movies which I confronted him about and deleted all of them. This has also been a problem for years, I catch him, watching pornos, or masterbating.
He is totally trying and he has done a 360 degree attitude change, saying the emails was a mid-life crisis and he knows what is important to him now, me and the kids. I can't help feeling inadequate. He also says he is done with the pornos, but been there done that, he always says that and then I will find out again. How do I know he's sincere. I don't trust him and I find myself checking his work emails, voice mail daily.

Thanks for listening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Jacki - you've found a wonderful place to learn and grow. Your marriage will never be the same because you posted here seeking help. You will find it.

Keep in mind we are not professionals. If your budget can sustain it, I highly recommend counseling with one of the MB counselors to get a professional opinion.

Your H's relationship with this woman may be entirely innocent. I routinely call one of my secretaries "Baby" or "Precious." Of course, this is out in the open within earshot of our co-workers and obviously platonic. But NEVER on private e-mails or phone calls. Are his e-mails to her alone?

On the other hand, he may be engaged in an emotional affair as you suspect.

But you know what? Either way your reaction should be the same. Look inwardly at yourself to see what you may be doing or not doing to promote an unhealthy marriage. This does NOT mean you are to blame for an affair if one is happening - just that each spouse can contribute to an unhealthy environment that may lead to a poor decision by one of you to have an affair. If an affair IS occurring, this is all you can do - eliminate your contributions to the poor marital environment because you cannot influence the course of the affair other than to make it worse by interference. Understand?

I suggest you NOT concentrate on her, and instead read all you can on this site. Find and print out the Emotional Needs questionaires and each of you fill them out and share the results. If he will not willingly participate, let us know, describing his reactions and exact words. We can spot them a mile away.

Also, read the link in my sig line. You may find some valuable info there.

I'm going to partially disagree with WAT on this one...which is unusual for me...as I normally agree.

I think this relationship he's developed with his co-worker is completely non-professional and out of bounds. Since all we know about the emails are the endearments, it's unclear rather there is an actual EA occurring...but...red flags are flying high here. Although you did say that there were sexual innuendos in the contents...so that isn't a business and/or friendship relationship only! They've crossed lines here which married people should never cross. jmho

Also the fact that H wants to lay it off to a MLC, tells me that he knows he was doing something wrong. He continued in this manner after being forewarned that it was damaging to the marriage... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he obviously didn't listen to me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. Another red flag of thinking he's got you misdirected and he'll continue as he has been, or else he's trying to take it further underground until your suspicions decrease.

Having access to his work email and voice mail really is only a false sense of security, but still nice to have. He could set up hunderds of other emails accounts which you know nothing about. WS have been known to have more then one cell phone. The list is endless. You can't control what he does...you can keep your eyes open and your head out of the sand...and watch. Actions speak louder then words.

I'm not saying that your H is in an affair, but if he isn't...he's getting close.

Agree with WAT's advice on reading the site and seeing what here and what will benefit you and your marriage. Also agree with counseling as soon as possible.

As for the porn...it's a problem with many marriages, maybe counseling for this problem would be of help.

Good Luck!

WAT...I also think it is very demeaning and unprofessional for a boss to call his secertary or co-workers by anything except their name! Even if not meant in a flirty manner...it's not respectful to their position or yours. jmho

Hi, and welcome sad to say. H sounds like mine in a way. Porno tapes and porno on the web. I do believe that once they start this they looking at these things they eventually have affairs that is just my opinion. Relationship with coworker could escalate if it haven't already. My thoughts would be to give him the benefit of the doubt unless you find out anymore about it down the road. Good luck!

Thanks for the responses. Some days I do believe the emails were just that emails, other days I'm not so sure. His attitude towards me and the kids was very crappy for months and now I see it was the same time he was talking/emailing with his co-worker. I feel like I am going crazy trying to figure out if there was more. I have been reading this site, and I have just begun to think of counseling.

Sorry to say he is typical, a bored man with a computer. Well, he is wrong, dead wrong. don't give an inch. Why is it the wronged person is always so easy going when the truth is staringthem in the face? You love him? probably. Does he love you? Questionable. Love doesn't hurt.
By the way, using terms such as baby, darlin, honey to a work place person is sexual harrassment and inappropriate at best, especially if one is married. Nuff said.