Just recently I found out that my H of 7 years and best friend of 14 years have had an affair. I feel so betrayed by both of them and the red hot anger is OVERWHELMING. I feel tormented by this. It is all so sick and evil to me. I feel as though I am married to a man with no character, honor or care for me or my feelings. The affair did not reach actual intercourse between the two of them. (That I know of) But I feel VERY sure it was close to happening. I had feelings that something wasn't right but I pushed it away thinking "No way would the 2 people that I love most in the world do this to me." What a joke!
I called her and confronted her after my husband was backed into a corner and spilled his guts and she had the NERVE to say "It was JUST some kisses, touching and talking crap!"
I NEED someone to tell ME that I am NOT the one who is insane here! I DID NOT give my permission for them to paw all over each other!
I took this quote from the internet...
An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.
I don't know who wrote it but it is fitting.
I do not blame one of them more than the other.
It was a MUTUAL betrayal! My H and friend are worse than pond scum to me right now. I want to heal and trust him again but feel like I've received a double whammy on my heart. Everything I thought was, isn't.
I confided EVERYTHING to my friend. From my best to my worst. Even intimate things about my marriage.
I have a hate in my heart for her now and will never again have any contact with her.
As far as my H goes, I resent having to deal with this at all. I didn't cause this problem but feel that I am the one left to either hold on and try to trust him again or make the decision to leave.
I have so much disgust for him that it's hard for me to look at him without throwing up. ( He had another indiscretion a few years ago with his ex )
I asked my husband "why" and "where did you put the love you're supposed to have for me while getting intimate with my best friend?"
He doesn't have an answer except to say that he got "caught" up in something. WOW, what a great answer! I wish with all my angry heart that I could be just like him because I'd do to him what he's done to me to show him how it feels. But maybe not since I have NO problem facing myself in the mirror everyday.
God help me because they both make me sick.

Betrayed and disgusted,

DLynn

DLynn - many of us have been where you are right now. You've found a good place to sort thru the confusion. Start by reading the link in my sig line.

Your anger is normal and oh so justified. But the best thing you can do right now is NOT act on your emotions. DO NOT go out and have an affair of your own to "show" your husband. This will only make things twice as worse.

Read everything you can on this site and especially read others' stories. You will see a lot of similarities.

It sounds as if the affair could be over. Many end upon discovery, but many of these re-commence. Try to calm yourself down and use your head. We'll help.

Hi, Dlynn-

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this hell. I do know how you feel-exactly-and it is terrible.

Some advice that helped me at the time...

*Don't do anything right now. Wait a good while before deciding how to proceed, what to do, who to tell, etc... You are in such emotional turmoil that the decisions you make now will probably be so different from those you would make in a month or so.

*Don't expect much of yourself...your world has been turned upside down. Still, going through everyday activities, if possible, may keep you from completely losing it.

*Try not to be alone. Even if it your husband who is around, try to have some company, as long as they help you feel not so alone.

*DON'T ask why me, why did this happen, etc...it did and it really, really sucks. But to replay again and again at this point will only make you more upset and sick. To the extent that you need to understand the breakdown in your relationships, that is important--probably in a little while--but right now, you are so vulnerable and sad, that it wil only make it worse.

For me, whenever I feel really crappy and start thinking why, how could they, only if I had done this, how could I have missed that, etc...I literally force myself to stop by saying, "They did. It happened. Now how to deal with it so that my life and the lives of those people I love will be as little affected by the whole horrible thing as possible."

Hope this helps. I really am so sorry for you. I do know how you feel, so know you are not alone. People can do some really crappy things.

Please let me know if I can help at all.

Take good care.

Amy

DLynn,

As with most people here I understand where you are and where you are going. There is nothing like the betrayal of someone you thought you could trust completely. You anger is justified and expected at this tiem. You will go through a bazillion other emotions in the weeks/months to come.

One of the hardest things for me was not knowing exactly why my W had her A's. I asked her a thousand times thinking it was something I did wrong. All she could reply was " I dont know why... I was going through a phase." What kind of B.S. is that? Our counseler told me in one of my private sessions that is was not anything I did. She truly did not know why she did it. My point is that your H most likely does not know why. This is commonly known around here as the "fog". Our spouses act like they are fom another planet during all this. It is not an excuse for their behavior. Just a mild explanantion.

As for your "best friend"... well there is no excuse for that. My opinion is that she was not much of a friend to begin with and this finally showed what type of person she truly is. A morally bankrupt woman. Sorry you had to find out this way.

You will get through this. It will not be easy, fortunately there are a wide variety of people here that are going through or have gone through what you are. And all of them are willing to help or at least listen to what you have to say.

good luck to you..

Madnav

Worthatry,

Thanks so much for replying to my post. I will not let my anger cause me to do anything foolish. I am just having a really rotten day. I suppose you might say, "I am licking my wounds."
One day I'm fine and then the next all H@#L breaks loose. I have read so many things over the last few weeks that it makes my head spin!
What I've read also makes me have the sense that the spouse who cheats has no clue or care about what he/she has done and how it will affect their marriage and children. Until they get caught.
This is PURE selfishness.
No matter what reason my H gives for what he's done it will never make me understand it.
God did not put me on this earth to be miserable. I don't LIKE the way I feel and feel as though I am reacting ( and maybe not too well at times ) to the foolishness of what others do around me.
Thanks again.

With very kindest regards,

DLynn

DLynn-

You are *not* insane. I had those same feelings of something not being right, and every time I asked, I was told I wasn't seeing what I was seeing... and I felt insane too.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It just plain sucks.

You're going to go through a whole range of emotions, but it sounds like you have enough self respect to define your boundaries, and that's a good thing. I was so confused and hurt on the first d-day that I had no idea what to do. My first instinct was to never speak to my former friend again, and I wish now that I had followed that instinct.

One thing that has helped me greatly is individual counseling. I have also been reading a lot - most recently a book called "NOT 'Just Friends'" by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Take care of yourself.

Hello Amy and Madnav,

Thank you for your advise and help. I guess I just need to be validated in my feelings.
Although I KNOW I have done nothing wrong I question EVERYTHING.
I know this kind of thinking is detrimental to me but right now I feel like I'm in a fog!
I have cried alot, raged, berated, demanded etc., etc. It doesn't feel like it helps.
My H say's he is truly sorry for what he did. BUT how do I believe that? Right now when I hear him speak I just hear words. Quite honestly I'd like to slap his face!
I never imagined ANYTHING that I would encounter in my life would hurt this bad.
This feels like a death of a loved one to me.
It for sure is the death of my innocence.
Amy, as you say you have gone through the same, will you please stay in contact with me?
Would you mind if I email you through this forum?
Let me know.
To all those who reply to my post, thank you in advance.

All the best to all broken hearts,

DLynn

DLynn,

For the first couple of weeks after D-day.. I could not even look at my W with out wanting to strangle her. I was so full of rage and anger I could not even see straight. I stopped eating and I lost 20lbs. The only thing I could do to keep from taking it out on my W physically was to focus on activities. Golf.. lifting weights... riding mountian bike.. ect.. These activities helped me focus my thoughts and clear my head.

Eventually the pain subsides enough to where is is just a dull throb and life starts to right itself. If you are having a manic day... go for a walk/run/bike, whatever. Get that anger out. That way you can go home clear headed and "calmer". Also.. it gives you a chance to get away from your thoughts and take a break from all the emotions.

Clear communication and brutal honesty is the key between the two of you. Let him know exactly how you feel with out name calling. You will not gain any gound in getting your relationship back on track if you belittle him. If he loves you, he is already doing that to himself.

Madnav

Hello again Madnav,

You have no idea how "unspecial" I feel after reading all of the posts in this forum!
To think that there are so many people hurting right now over their spouse infidelity is astounding. And humbling.
I WILL get through this because I CHOOSE to. I can't imagine myself allowing another human being to suck me down into such blackness and me just being ok with it.
I'm sure you're right about my husband beating himself up. I hope he agonizes as much as I do.
The biggest issue I face now is trusting him.
He doesn't deserve it. If I am able to get to that point that will be a wonderful thing. If not, I'd rather be healthy alone, than miserable with him.
By the Grace of God go I.........

All the best to you,

DLynn Ü

BTW,

What does D-Day and WW and all that lingo mean?
New to the broken hearts club and just wondered.
Ü

You're gonna have to trust me on this, OK?

Ready?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DLynn:
<strong>I hope he agonizes as much as I do.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please try to put this out of your mind. Please do not wish on him any pain. At least don't TELL him you do.

BSs (betrayed spouses) have to counter the "normal" reactions and intuitive responses to their WSs (wayward spouses) for a very simple reason: it'll either scare them off if they're in denial or make them defensive even if they're humble.

The very best thing to do instead? Validate that he's hurting, too. Yep, you wouldn't have necessarily thought of this, but it's true - ESPECIALLY if he's humble and remorseful. He may be as confused as you are. If he'll let you, give him a big hug and cry together. If he's not humble enough yet to do this, he will be.

Vent your anger here to us. We're used to it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And try real hard to find some compassion for your H. You HAVE to do this if there's any hope of rebuilding your marriage.

In contrast, you can never be friends with OW (other woman) again. When your H is ready, he MUST send a letter of "no contact" to OW explaining his recognition that what occurred was terribly wrong and he can never have contact with her again. Period. Don't expect him to be ready to take this step just yet. Don't demand it. He will likely go thru a period of withdrawal - just like a drug addict - before he's ready for this. But it MUST happen.

Go slow and expect setbacks. You'll read about these as you cruise this forum.

Now one of the hardest parts for BSs: Look inwardly and identify the problems you contributed to the marriage. All BSs own some part, large or small. You DID NOT cause the affair, but you very likely contributed to the set up. Admit this to your H. Tell him you want to learn from this experience and learn to be a better wife. Humbleness on your part will go a long way to enable him to be humble.

Finally, keep posting, reading, and asking questions. AND!!! Find a counselor.

WAT

DLynn,

You will find a plethora of acronyms in these forums. As time goes by you will beging to guess the ones you done immediately recognize. Some simpleones are:

W - wife
H - husband
BS - Betrayed Spouse
WS - Wayward Spouse
BH - Betrayed Husband
BW - Betayed Wife
A - Affair
PA - Physical Affair
EA - Emotional Affair
D-Day - Discovery Day (date found out)
MC - Marital Couselor (counseling)
IC - Independant Counseling
C - Children
D - daughter
S - son
OW - Other Woman
OM - Other Man

Then ther are combos like:
FWW - Formerly wayward wife
FWH - Formarly wayward husband

ect.. ect... ect somewhere on this site there is a glossary of terms.. I will see if I can find it for you.

Trust will come.. in time.. maybe not 100%, but it will be enough. (It has been 7 months sence D-day for me.. I dont trust her 100%. I probably never will.) Everything depends on his actions. He has to give you 100% disclosure of where he is.. where he has been.. where he is going.. ect. If he is willing to do that, then you have a good start. In a few weeks the trust will start to creep back in. Right now you might not even trust him to be alone in a room by himself. I know when I found out, my wife did not want to be around me. I thought it was because she wanted to leave or wanted to be with one of the OM. What it turned out to be was that she was embarrassed and dissappointed in herself and could not face me. He may react that way. Give him his space... but tell him that you need to know where he is at all times if you are going to get any form of trust back.

Things will get better in time. Keep reading posts and keep posting. Everyone here is willing to help. If you are going nutz one day and need an ear.. feel free to e-mail me direct...

Madnav

found that link here you go...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000557;p=1

<small>[ February 06, 2003, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: Madnav ]</small>

Hello worthatry,

Thanks once again for your insight. It's ironic what you posted regarding my "contribution" to my husband's affair. After I posted my OP we had a very long talk and I suppose I did have a part in it. My part was trusting him with my friend who I also trusted.
He admits to "lusting" after her. Makes me want to hurl!
I would tell him "Go on to the store with her honey." "Talk to her until I get dried off."
Blah, blah, blah. So much for trust.
She knew everything about our marriage. She fed off of that and used it to put her hooks into my husband.
Lesson 1...... NEVER, EVER, EVER trust your friend alone with your spouse.

Lesson 2...... NEVER, EVER, EVER tell your closest friend intimate details about your marriage &/or sex life.
I did seek counseling, but to be honest the counselor was a joke. When she told me "nobody makes you feel anything." I knew this woman had none of life's experience's to guide me. Just what she had read in a book.
I am not an idiot. People who we love have a PROFOUND impact on our lives. Their actions do MAKE us feel the way we do. Good and bad.
Yes, we have choices. But in cases of infidelity we are raped of all of the choices we have because of our spouse's dishonesty.
I suppose I am a very black and white person. There is just very little gray for me.
What I have the hardest time with is wondering where all this love and honor he's spouting off to me now was when he was snuggled up with her whispering their "hot little words" to each other.
This is still too new and fresh. I still have so much anger and feel at times like I'm bleeding out on the floor.
Of course I will NEVER have any contact with my friend again. In an instant she murdered all the love I had for her. She is of no consequence.
My husband is another story. I love him and took a vow before God, for better or worse. I meant that.
Is this a process like death? Anger, grief, acceptance?
You sound like a wonderful person, who is patient and forgiving. I hope that I get to where you are one day real soon.

All the best,

DLynn

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Thank you madnav for the "lingo" lesson. It was much appreciated.
I have found comfort in your words and thank you kindly for the time you've taken to post replies.
I just may take you up on your offer to email you. Today was a hard day to get through but with your help and the help of others it seemed easier.
I told my hubby tonight that I had found a WONDERFUL forum that I felt sure would help me heal. I feel better right now. One moment at a time........
From my heart, THANK YOU!

With kindest regards,

DLynn

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DLynn:
<strong>It's ironic what you posted regarding my "contribution" to my husband's affair. After I posted my OP we had a very long talk and I suppose I did have a part in it. My part was trusting him with my friend who I also trusted.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DLynn, I'm sorry, but you missed my point.

Unless yours is a very rare situation, you had much more to do with it than that. Look further in the past. What needs of his were you not meeting? This does not mean you are to blame for his choice to have the affair - hardly - that's ALL his decision. But there were pre-existing problems in the marriage LONG before your "trust" came into play. Understand?

WAT

Good morning worthatry,

I now see what you mean. The only thing that has been brought up in conversation is that he didn't feel like we were having sex enough. Is that a reason???? Or my part in this?
This was news to me. He never mentioned a word before now. I believed our sex life was fine.... without getting into all the details.
I truly feel like him throwing sex up to me was an excuse for what he and my friend did.
I need to do some more soul searching.
Do I ask him about this? Do I say, "Honey tell me what is wrong in our marriage to make you do this?" I am sooooooooooooo confused.

DLynn

YES, YES, YES!!!! ASK!!!!

But first, read all about emotional needs on this site. Find and print out the emotional needs questionaire - one for each of you - and fill them out independently and then compare.

In parallel, order a copy of the book, Surving An Affair, by Harley (available in the bookstore on this site).

Now, before asking him to fill out the EN questionaire, you have to judge whether he's ready to be "educated." WSs actively in affairs or immediately after the end of an affair are not going to be willing to do this. Where do you thoink your H is in this regard?

Sex will be one of his top 5 emotional needs. He's a guy, right?

Yes, he'll likely give you all sorts of "reasons" for his affair. Most will be bull. Some may offer real clues into your contributions. You have to consider ALL of the excuses, do your soulsearching, and figure out which ones may be valid. The you have to address them.

This is the essence of Plan A.

OK, start reading and come back with specific questions. There may be a quiz. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WAT

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thank you worthatry,

I will read up on this info and be back for help later.

All the best to you,

DLynn Ü

Hi, Dlynn-

I will absolutely keep in touch. Anything I can do to help.

How are you doing today?

Amy

Hi, again, dlynn-

Just read through your posts, and, my god, it is as if I am reading my own thoughts/feelings. Again, I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

As for the "your part in this," I still struggle with that one. I guess, in the sense that I was blindly trusting of the two closest people to me in the world, I am responsible. But I don't think it is a bad thing to be so trusting...still, I never will be again. Which, in turn, goes to the loss of innocence and feeling pretty jaded since the whole thing.

I totally get, too, what you are saying about "Go to the store," etc... Times, conversations, events ring in my head, and I feel so stupid. If I was exhausted after a long day, and too tired to console her about her failing marriage, I would pass the phone to my husband, have him do stuff for her b/c her husband wouldn't, etc... STUPID.

The whole mess is so confusing, isn't it?

Hope you are well.

Amy

Hi...and welcome to MB.

I wanted to wade into the question we all ask..."WHY?". It is a very important question...however, it's one that you will never, I repeat, NEVER, receive what for you is a satisfactory answer. You will ALWAYS see all the other options which any reasonable, logical, person would have seen and choosen. You will be looking for a reasonable, logical answer...and you won't find one. As an affair is NOT reasonable or logical.

However, the answers he gives to "Why?" are clues as to what issues you do need to address which were there long before the betrayal. Not that they in anyway justify his choice to betray, but can often be points in our marriage which should be looked at and seen where improvements can be made. (This is where we get into his needs/her needs.)

Ok...now this is new for you...you are now in a state of confusion because of the pain, anger, and sorrow you are dealing with...completely and perfectly normal and on course with healing. Yes, being betrayed and the stages we go through are exactly the same as those we must deal with when going through the lost of a loved one. We enter disbelief, anger, sorrow, regret for things left undone/unsaid, acceptance and finally in betrayal forgiveness. These stages are not static, they will often blend one into another, you may skip a stage and have to go back to experience it, they do not necessarily come in order. But each stage must be gone through to get to true healing. If you need more information on this just find the list of stages of grief through your search engine. You'll see that what is happening to you and how you are feeling is normal.

I know you said you had a terrible counselor...well, if at first you don't succeed, try...try again. A bad counselor is worse then no counselor, but a good one is worth their weight in gold. Keep looking!!!!!!! When you start calling, explain that you are hunting for a counselor which follows MB guidelines, one which is pro-marriage and willing to help guide you on a path of self-discovery and learning new skills in communication with your mate. Make it very clear before you ever get an appt, that you want to know their normal area of specialized counseling. Interview the counselor somewhat to make sure you get one your AND your spouse can feel comfortable with being painfully open and honest with.

Good Luck!