Just had another interesting and devastating conversation with my WW. Still very much in love with OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

She basically told me she's only staying because she wants to do what is right(morally) and what is best for our children. She said she loves me as a partner and I'm her best friend, but has no romantic love for me whatsoever. And finds it hard to believe she ever could again.

She's beginning to look over some of the information I printed out from the website. I've also purchased His Needs .... and have Surviving on order. But will the reasons she has to stay be enough for her to really work at our marriage?

What can I do??

Zaed

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: Zaed ]</small>

the reasons the WS gives for staying are just as confusing as the reasons for cheating.but the bottom line is she stays because she wants to.ask anyone that is now separated ,when the WS doesn't want to be there,they leave.i supose she gives those reasons because she doent want to admit she was wrong.
she isn't in love with OM.she is in love with the thought of OM,how he makes her feels.if she really loved him and felt he was the right one,she would be gone!but you're not out of the woods just yet.intil she is ready to give up on the idea of OM ,its going to be a rocky road.this will take time and patience and no negative fellings from you.

Rob, I read your reply. I'm new to this website- I just posted my story under -He loves me, He loves me not".. How do you not be negative, and feel good about yourself, when the other person is cheating on you?? I'm trying to not be whiney, or negative-but I'm having a very hard time keeping a smile on my face while he's stabbing the entire family.. Am I just weak that I can't do this while so many seem to be able to? How do I stay focused? I'm in the same boat.. My husband is here at home in body, but not in soul.... How long will we be in this vacuum? He says he's staying for the kids, he loves me, but not like a wife.. The pain from this is excrutiating...

2boysmom: Read: What Are Plan A and Plan B?. It sounds like you need to consider Plan B, but try to do a Plan A first, if you can. There are three things that seem to "get to" wayward spouses. One is them removing the secrecy surrounding their affair, and to refuse to enable cake-eating. Two is remembering what made them love their spouse in the first place. Three is believing things can be better in their marriage. Plan B, if you remind them of the better times at the beginning of your relationship with them in your Plan B letter, can take care of #'s 1 and 2. But, if there is no Plan A, #3 remains a serious obstacle EXCEPT for those affairs that are not really fueled by some lack in the marriage. In those cases, # 1 may be sufficient. Plan A is still a good idea, though, because NO marriage is perfect, so showing that improvement is possible is a good "carrot".

Update .... WW just gave me some new reasons for staying. One, that she actually feels like she wants to make it work between us now where initially she did not. Two, she actually feels like we can get better because of how much work she's seen me put in to it.

This seems like it's a good sign. But there's still the issue of her working at same place as OM. They don't work together, so contact is minimal, but it's a small place so she can't avoid him 100%. Is it possible to work around this??

Zaed, I wouldn't put too much value in a foggy WW's words because you'll go thru more rollercoater rides than a visit to Six Flags and because tomorrow she may tell you the opposite(just read the FWS posts where you'll see that even they do not recognize the person they were when they were deeply in the fog). Look instead at her actions since they are the ones that tell you the true story inside her head.

Again, some valuable words of wisdom. What kind of coffee do you drink? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, her actions seem to be falling into line with what she should be doing ... she said she realized she wasn't taking my feelings into consideration by choosing to continue to work there. So it is a topic that is easier for us to discuss ... And she's doing a better job of avoiding OM and not having any dealings with him (I have spies). But she could just be avoiding conflict.

You had some pretty strong affirmations about NC ... does it never work out in a situation like mine? I am still VERY uncomfortable with it, myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What kind of coffee do you drink? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Only the true kind with lots of caffeine. Have to limit my consumption though, otherwise I could become a menace to society. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You had some pretty strong affirmations about NC ... does it never work out in a situation like mine? I am still VERY uncomfortable with it, myself.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Every situation is different but NC has been shown (in the vast majority of cases) to be essential to marital recovery. You got one thing going for you that OM does not have and that is knowledge. You know that love busting her will only drive her away towards OM, but OM doesn't (unless of course he has read the Harley books <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) and hopefully soon he will start to make selfish demands or begin losing interest in her altogether. Of course you can't force her to end all contact with OM but you can point out to her that your love for her slowly dies with every day that she maintains contact with him and that eventually it may be you that ultimately decides to end the M. I hope this helps you.

You've been a great help, CoffeeMan.

My situation is a bit different ... apparently the OM feels a good deal of remorse and doesn't have the same feelings for her that she has for him.

I gave him a letter before I discovered MB and requested <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> he not speak to WW anymore. I think he's been better about it than she has. He told her that what they did was wrong and it was over. Of course, it pisses me off to think he only took advantage of her and used her ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyway, thank you for your continued advice. I hope to hear more replies from you when I post.

Thanks!

Zaed, Harley has stated that a WS in love with an OP displays a lot of the same characteristics as a drug addict (he ought to know since he ran a drug rehab center many years ago) and her withdrawl symptoms from OM bears testament to this. Just like the healing of your wounded heart can not be rushed, the same can be said about her grieving loss of OM.

It's very reassuring that her actions are proving that she is indeed making a sincere effort to rebuild the M. Open and honest communication is essential for intimacy (I don't mean sex, but a deep sharing of thoughts and feelings) and it can only be achieved by creating an emotionally safe environment where both can feel free to open up to one another. If both of you can do this, then you are on your way to a much better marriage.