i am the wife, 59 yo, he had the affair, 61yo. we've been married 34 yrs, two daus, 27 and 30.
this is his first affair.

almost 8 yrs ago, i was in serious auto accident, suffering spinal and brainstem injuries from which i've fought back and recovered to nearly normal. he was supportive, but then i noticed for over a year, he became distant, no sex, couldn't look me in the eye, and i KNEW what was going on.

when i'd try to talk, he wouldn't, and he began staying away from the house as much as possible, working at our business, visiting his mother (truthfully) doing anything to avoid me. finally on Jan 2,i captured him and wouldn't let him leave at which time he confessed to the A and told me it had been off/on for "quite some time" and he hadn't seen her for "coupla months" because all the time i was still being good to him while he was "mean and rotten to me" and "broke our wedding vows" and a "special vow" we made to each other. He claims he is filled w/guilt and remorse and wants to remain married, still loves me, but he "needs time" to recoup.

He won't disc the A, OW, or talk about his feelings. He will give me a short kiss and brief hug when he leaves for work. He does account for his time, telling me where he's going, etc.

Please, those of you who've been then/done this, help me understand HIS side and if there is a chance. We have a lot of history and we had a wonderful marriage prior to the accident and we could have it again, if he can forget and forgive himself.

Short answer....YES!

It's not easy, but it can be done. Get into counseling. Am sure you expected that advice...but it's one of the most important pieces of advice! If your H isn't willing to be open right now and won't go to counseling...then you find one for yourself. Lead the way!

Marriage Builders is just what it says...it's got a lot of really good information on what the BS must go through as he/she heals, and what the WS may be going through, depending on where they are in the affair. READ!!!! There is a lot of information and some of it may take some time to truly understand as it can be a little overwhelming...but keep reading, keep posting questions.

We're all here to support each other in our search for healing.

As for what your H is going through...that pretty much depends on what he's doing about his affair...is it over? Is he in NC (no contact) with the OW? How depressed he is? If he's still confused as to what he wants or if he just needs some space to do some reflecting on his past choices.

You can rebuild! Not easily or quickly, but you AND your H can recommit to making your marriage stronger and healthier. It does take both of you working very hard.

Hopefully, he'll be open to counseling...if not marriage counseling right away, then individual counseling to help guide him to self discovery, so that he will be ready for marriage counseling.

So sorry to hear of your accident...but very glad to hear that you are well on your way to recovery.

Good Luck!

Dear JaW:

Thank you so MUCH for your prompt response and encouragement. First, the only reason i mentioned the accident was perhaps someone could find some reason there for him to have the A. Second, he IS deeply depressed, compound the accident, with the A, and then his youngest brother tragically drowned while on vaca this past June. He remains reserved, won't talk about A, has NC as far as i can tell, he accounts for his time, as stated.

He does sleep in our bed which he didn't do while A active, but he still doesn't reach out to me and when i barely touch him, no response, although i am limiting that as i feel perhaps i am being too pushy.

I asked him to go to counseling and he said he doesn't "need anyone to tell him he did wrong". He said he is "eaten up with guilt". I told him a therapist would help us both understand why this happened and he said it was his fault, not mine, although he did mention how independant i'd become after the accident and how much that bothered him. Tried to explain that i had to become independant as he wasn't home to help me, etc etc but it's just a merry-go-round w/o a mediator.

Yes, i am open to marriage counseling for myself until he comes around, which i sincerely doubt as he was raised to believe that therapy is for the weak and you can solve your own problems. My problem with therapy is finding someone who's been in our shoes who can empathize and direct, not someone fresh out of school or totally unfamiliar with our heartaches and shattered souls.

I pray daily that God will give us back the love, honor, and trust we once shared. Meanwhile, i will continue to come here to find support and peace from understanding people like you.

God bless.

Ronni60

Simmy --

Welcome to MB. This site is all about chances: some people take them (your H), others hope for them (you). Recovery and restoration is not only possible, but often produces a better, stronger bond.

In your case, your H is presents several valuable awarenesses which are positive and healing for your marriage ("he is filled w/guilt and remorse and wants to remain married, still loves me"), but you had prefaced that quote with "he claims..." It's OK, normal to doubt him and his words; why would you suddenly and blindly begin to trust him after months of deceit? Restoration of trust is the most difficult and elusive element in the recovery process; it takes the longest time and is the most susceptible to erosion. You need to be where you are with your feelings; H can help you to recover or he can impede.

He doesn't want to talk about the A, the OW, or his feelings (normal response for WS's), but that's exactly what should be happening. Do you want information about these things? As difficult as it may be for him, he's GOT to open up and tell you. Most BS's want to know at least the basics; some want minute-by-minute detailed descriptions (not smart, IMHO!). Where are you? That's a part of this that a MC could help you both with. The more H keeps hidden and inside himself, the longer and more trying the process, again for both.

Many of us have "been in your shoes" and can feel much of what you're going through. One of the amazing "benefits" of this board is the sheer numbers of those in similar or identical situations. You're among fellow-sufferers here, but you're also among friends.

Get some good recommendations about MC's, or use the Harleys right here on this site; they deal with these sorts of problems almost exclusively. Don't just pick a name out of the phone book. Ask around. When the same name pops up a couple of times, it's worth checking out.

"We could have it again, if he can forget and forgive himself" -- Yes, you can! This is fixable and so very worth fixing. Forgiving ultimately will be the key, both for you and for H. Forgetting: some say they will never forget the severity of the pain and the extent of the injuries. Maybe a wise thing to keep in the back of one's mind forever...

I'm very glad to see JaW is already aboard with you; she's great! Post again and let us know how you're doing. Hang in there; we'll help you all we can. We're here for you...

Ammon

Simmy...as for the "why" question...there are NOT reasons which well be acceptable to you as to why he chose to have an affair. However there are indications which you will see impacted his wrong choice. Yes, I am sure the accident did have an impact. As did losing his brother. Likely there was a lot of fear involved. Fear with the realization that he could lose you (or other loved ones) at any minute and he'd be alone. Fear that he couldn't protect you or others from life or death. Fear that he couldn't do anything to "fix" his life. Fear that he couldn't control his life.

FEAR plays a major part in affairs and also in rebuilding after an affair.

Depression also played a very large role. When depressed, by it's very nature, the person is incapable of reaching out for help. They see darkness everywhere with no light. They will often see a friendship as a limb in which to grab some short-term escape from this darkness. When the friendship turns into more then it should, it becomes a very weak reed. It does offer an escape but when they return to reality from the escape, the depression worsens, they remember the escape but it is harder and harder to find the same support as they received in the beginning. It's a vicious cycle which continues to pull them further and further into the darkness where the mind is clouded and reason does not live.

It does sound as if your H is very depressed, NOT about ending his affair, but because of very real situations which he has dealt with in the recent past, PLUS now he's compounded it with guilt and remorse for his poor choices. He does need some help...professionally. BUT...you can NOT force him to seek out this help. You can guide by example. Hopefully, as he sees how much counseling helps you, he'll be more open to being involved.

Listen to Ammon...Great advice!

Good Luck!

JaW and Ammon:

You are certainly Angels by my side, and wise ones, too. I've read and reread your posts, and each time find more wisdom in your words.

Ammon, as for OW: i know she is 54yo, married 2x, has a DS always in trouble, goes from job-2-job, blonde, very thin, started "hanging onto" H as a friend in our niece's bar when she was going through D#2, rest is history. she is the exact opposite of me, our daughters, and everything we stand for. the other details, i really don't want to know. i saw him leave every sunday after shaving and showering and washing his car. i watched the clock on other nights turn to 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 AM before he came home. he stopped giving me money from one source of income. i'm not a dunce, i know what happened. i'd just like to deal w/that on my own and cry it out, scream it out, and pray for the grace to forgive and be able to close my eyes and not see the visions.

we live in a small community, very close knit. that's why his A couldn't remain a secret. and for that reason, no MC here could help me/us. despite confidentiality, it'd be public knowledge. the nearest larger cities are 45 mi away and i hesitate to go that far, so i prob will take your suggestion on using the Harleys right here. any other suggestions as to which one?

JaW, i think you hit on what might well be the biggest problem when you mentioned H's fear he was not in control. he's ALWAYS been a rigid person who had to be in control. again, that's the way he was raised, his mother dominant parent. do you think that by having the A which he prob controlled as to time, place, etc., that gave him power again? and what about this being a MLC?

we continue to talk like normal married people, commenting on daily events, etc. but no closeness, no hint of it even being on the horizon. when he first "confessed" and i would cry hysterically he would hold me and let me lie close to him while he wrapped his arms around me. now, if i ask him to hold me, he sighs deeply and only lifts one arm, so i don't bother anymore. he still gives me the brief kiss and hug when leaving and his time is accountable. i know this road is still going uphill....thank you both for pulling me along.

Simmy,

I would like to second or third the Harley suggestion given you locational issues. But, I would like to do it for another reason. I have heard the Harley's counseling (Jenn and Steve) more as "coaching" as counseling. In short they are "coaching" people on how to build a better marriage.

I think if your H is a "do it myself", "heal myself" type of person, then he should be an "educate myself" type of person as well. I would strongly recommend two books His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair both by Harley. These two books will get him thinking.

I think you need to use his "stiffness" and need to control on him to get him where he needs to be: Working on the marriage. I think as you read these books you will see many things that you and your H did wrong, before the A ever started.

It is worth reading and discussing with him. You could even call and get an appointment for yourself and then see if you can involve your H.

I am sure your H fears more things than you realize .

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Simmy --

Don't know about the "angel" or the "wise" parts, as least in my case (Wifey is definitely in both categories!), but I do know for certain that we are by your side for as long as you'd like to have us.

It IS an uphill road, this recovery business, but it's a journey that needs to be taken, certainly as far as you're concerned, but also one that your H should WANT to take with you, especially given your investment and history of thirty-four years. At the very least, you want to be able to say that you did everything you could do to put your marriage back on track.

I am a tad concerned therefore when you seem to indicate that he remains essentially aloof and cold to your needs and to what needs to be happening from him and between the two of you. H should be "knocking himself out" to meet your needs and to reassure you and try to make amends, doing everything possible to help you through this. Is he?

It is now H's primary responsibility in life to help you heal. He's wounded you severely and his contrition and demeanor will go a very long way toward facilitating your own recovery and that of your marriage. In your initial post, you said, "he 'needs time' to recoup." His words? Did he ask you for time? If so, I'm wondering why...

Since your D-Day on January 2, it seems as if you two may have regressed. H comforted you more then than you seem to be getting now ("he would hold me and let me lie close to him while he wrapped his arms around me"). Now: "no closeness, no hint of it even being on the horizon." Sounds like it's too much trouble for him. You're still getting the perfunctory hug and kiss when he leaves, but that obviously isn't enough. Does he know that? Have you told him how you feel, what you need to help regain some trust and stability? This is so very up to him at this point, and it's up to you to let him know that. It's great that he's "accounting for his time" -- helps a lot, but I suspect that that alone isn't providing enough for you.

I don't mean this question to sound as probing or as unfeeling as it might, but I'm wondering if you're certain that the A is over? I can't find any indication in your posts that his confession to you came with a promise to end it and to recommit to you and your relationship. Maybe it has happened and you just haven't mentioned it. JaW asked about its status also in her first post to you. It's the kind of thing we tend to worry about as we've seen BS's spinning their wheels while a WS continues living in both worlds. Can you help us here? What do you know and what are your gut feelings? Reasons for a WS's coldness include an on-going A, even post-outing.

Even if that's the case, this recovery is STILL doable but our thoughts and advice would be altered to fit the circumstances. You, however, need to hang in there and not give up hope. You're the best friend your marriage has right now and you need to "stay the course" for everyone's sake.

Ammon

Ammon hit on most of what I would have also wondered.

But do also want to warn you that this is so very new. Neither of you really know what is going to happen in the next minute, much less tomorrow or the days after. We don't get a blueprint when this type of crisis hits. We're struggleing to figure out how to rebuild. Lots of miscommunication going on, lots of fear.

That's why counseling is usually vital to getting on course. There are so many mistakes we make in these first few months which hinder rebuilding instead of helping.

Your H's coldness may be induced by many things...but you do need to be very clear about needing his reassurance. NEVER expect him to "just know"! NO MIND READING EXPECTATIONS ALLOWED!! On both your parts.

Hang in there! You can succeed in reclaiming and rebuilding your marriage!

Just Learning:
thanks for your input and words of encouragement. i'm going to follow through on your suggestions. keep us in your prayers, as i will you.

Ammon:
on D-Day, he told me he hadn't seen OW for "coupla months". after a few days when i was able to talk w/o crying as much, i asked him if he would see her anymore and he SAID no. but this comes from the same man who cheated on me. i know he doesn't "see" her in public places, that is fact...trust me here. he does talk to me, eat dinner next to me, look me in the eye when we talk, none of which he could do before. my MIL, 2BILs, found out and have talked to him. they swear it is over and they've told him he should be on his hands and knees begging me for forgiveness and thanking me for taking him back. i don't expect that from him, that's too out of character...but at what point should the warmth and love return? another quirk he has: his family and this is a lifetime thing, is prone to arguments that lead to long periods of time where one doesn't speak to the other, then when they do, it's difficult to resume the family relationship.

he said he "needed time to recoup" b/c he not only broke our wedding vows but that special vow we made to each other and that was that if EITHER of us was ever unfaithful, we would NEVER let the other back into our life. now, we made that vow many many years ago, when our marriage was relatively new and we were unaware of how rough life would be. when i asked him a few days ago what he would do if I was the one who had the A, he said he would leave me. i said i wasn't leaving him, we had too much invested.

there are no incoming or outgoing phone calls. no hangups. he doesn't have a cell phone. i am finding out where she lives b/c i will leave no stone unturned in my quest to know the TRUTH.

JaW,

oh how i wish i could get H to counseling, but he's steadfast against it. he's wrong, he knows it, he did it, he's guilty, doesn't need anyone to tell him that, etc etc etc etc. so i'll contact someone here and start off on my own and pray God will enlighten H.

thanks so much for your help. and you're right, i need his reassurance, and whether he likes it or not, i'll keep asking for it, and if it's that great a burden for him to reply, well then.......

Simmy --

"...at what point should the warmth and love return?" -- No timetable with this, unfortunately. It will take as long as it takes. Attempting to put things on a schedule will result in frustrations and disappointments for you both and could interfere with your recovery, certainly could slow things down.

But H's rededication to you will speed up the process and I still don't know where he stands. Do you know--for sure? You have answered our questions without really answering them, yet you seem to have a very realistic and comprehensive perspective of all of this. H has told you what he wants you to hear, but is it the truth? I know the truth is a vital necessity to you ("i will leave no stone unturned in my quest"), and rightly so, but what are you feeling about what you've been told? I know you WANT to believe it, but do you?

I think you're at least a bit unsure ("this comes from the same man who cheated on me") and that's a good place for you to be for now, very smart and self-protective. It may be out of character for H to respond in this way but I agree that "he should be on his hands and knees begging me for forgiveness and thanking me for taking him back." Maybe that's "just not him," but I'm puzzled...

Recoup time: as long as he's using that time to grow and to strengthen your relationship, not simply treading water or, worse, still emotionally involved with OW. So, if the situation were reversed, H would leave you...hmmmmmm. I'm glad you said that you weren't leaving; set the example and take the high road.

I encouraged that H "does talk to me, eat dinner next to me, look me in the eye when we talk, none of which he could do before" = all good and positive things. Good also that contact would appear in fact to have been ended. If that's the case--if!--then these elements that are crucial to your happiness and well-being (your EN's) may be able to return. Were they once there, solid and in place?

Counseling for both of you would be wonderful. H needs to know that it wouldn't at all be about: "he's guilty, doesn't need anyone to tell him that" -- not the way it works at all. At the very least, you move forward with that for you.

I'd love to see H demonstrating a bit more awareness of how best to help you at this point, but that too may come around. You can tell him what you need and don't worry about him not coming up with things on his own. Make certain that you let him know and that he hears you. At this point, you should be his #1 priority.

Hang in, Simmy, and don't give up hope that your marriage could even be better than it was. We're here for you...

Ammon

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

Yesterday was wonderful, H was home all day. We talked like a normal married couple, disc taxes, investments, car repairs, but still skirting the important issues...us. He unloaded the groceries from my car, transferred the laundry from the washer to the dryer and hung my new bathrobe to dry so it wouldn't shrink, saw that my coffee can was almost empty and retrieved another from the freezer. At dinner time, he came to the table at my first call, complimented me on the meal, we ate and made more small talk. Watched the evening news together, and some programs throughout the evening. When i decided to go to bed, he was napping on the couch, i went to him, gave him a kiss, to which he responded, and thanked him for spending a day at home and told him how much i appreciated it. he rubbed my arm and shoulder and squeezed me. i went to bed with a little hope in my heart, but then he slept on the couch all night.

Today he tells me he's going to see his sister, and meet his brother to return his keys. Where is my heart? Fearful. Agonizing. Wondering. I know i'll have an evening of tears and wailing while i work myself into a horrible state of nerves wondering/imaging and replaying the movies in my mind. Somehow the "donkey heads" suggested in several posts won't carry me tonight.

At the risk of wishing my life away, i want to fast forward to 12 months from now. It'll be resolved one way or the other. We'll be restored or i'll be alone, but at least i'll be at peace with the demons who dance madly in my once calm mind.

I want to believe from the advice i've been given, and from reading the posts, that what i'm feeling is normal...but never did i EVER think at my age and this far into our marriage i would be facing THIS....but i guess that's what fools are made of.

Advice, anyone, please.

Simmy --

Believe it: what you're feeling is absolutely normal. Like a small boat out on a calm lake when passed by a larger one at high speed, everything tilts, rocks, sways, lurches. How could it be otherwise?

I don't believe any of us, no matter what our ages or the length of our marriages, would ever have seen ourselves in this position, would ever have believed that it could happen to us, could ever have conceived of ourselves as BS's -- but there it is, and we have to deal with it. We have to try to pick up the pieces and reconstruct the puzzle that we had worked so hard and for so long to assemble.

Are we Fools? No, not fools. Maybe fooled by these A's, maybe trusting of our spouses and of our marriages (and how else should we have done it?), even trusting ourselves that we would "know" or "suspect" if the time ever came. But why would we ever have given that terribly remote possibility a second thought? We loved totally and well. We loved in the right way, fully and completely, wholly and unconditionally. Fooled? Perhaps, but not fools because of it.

Anytime I can read a post from a fellow MB'er which opens with "Yesterday was wonderful," my heart soars. On balance, you two had yourselves a day on the plus side. So he slept on the couch, look at all of the positives. Your cup definitely was much more half full than half empty. These days of recovery are never consistent or altogether upbeat; we are grateful for the times when things work and accept the times when they don't. I'd say you guys had yourselves a great day. It's a process and not everything in it will be "good."

Hope H's visit to his sister and his brother went off without a hitch. I'm uncertain about your fears with those visits; do you suspect he's not really going where he said? You're still much too recently wounded to be able to trust things at face value. That's where you need to be for now, and that's where you are. Give yourself some room here. Be patient with your fears; they will get better with time--that you CAN trust.

So, Simmy, a good day for you and H. I'm happy for you. There'll be more. Hang in there and post again. We're pulling for you...

Ammon

Ammon,

Again, thanks for your wisdom from experience: the best wisdom in the world! Everything you say is ME, and then i realize, i don't walk an unbeaten path, but rather one that's been worn by the tears and experience of all the BS's who've gone before me.

YES, i have my fears and i need to face them. As for visiting his sister and brother, OF COURSE i think those are only excuses to get out and then make brief stops w/them and then off to HER.

YES, i have my fears i am inadequate, old, not as pretty, etc. i look in the mirror and see an older woman, she was 54, altho people always tell me i don't look 59 and often i have to produce my driver's license to prove it. i hear she has a "thin" body...so i diet and do Pilates and have regained my strength and balance so i no longer rely on my cane. next week i'm going to a doc for removal of age spots on my face. i'm running crazy and running amuck. i want to stand before him and scream look at me, remember your promises, but then i recall he said exactly that, he remembered our vows he broke and now he's guilty and full of remorse.

i think at the risk of being a pest i need to come here more often, to seek support, kind words, to read others' experiences, find peace and continue to recover.

meanwhile, i pray for help through the "bad days" and celebrate the good.

Simmy --

Checking in to see how you're doing. Hope you're hanging in with everything. BTW, no way that you could be a pest on this board; you come here as often as you need to, even if it's just for some old-fashioned venting. Let us help; it's what we're here for!

Life isn't a competition. We're on this earth mostly to be the very best we can be within and for ourselves. We're not here to be measured against some artificial and external standard or, worse, against some other person. Accepting ourselves means loving ourselves; loving ourselves means accepting ourselves. It's all interconnected. When we feel we have to race to catch up, when we permit those externals to pull our strings, we miss so very much of value, real meaning, significance in our world and our lives; we miss so much of ourselves.

We all have fears, every one of us. No one is immune. Many of the posts here at MB are fueled by the flames of insecurity, of those real and imagined fears. I'm OK with your age spots removal, as long as it's for you and not because the OW doesn't have them. See what I mean?

"i'm running crazy and running amuck." -- also maybe running scared? You've got to diet, do Pilates, compete... It's a vicious and unproductive cycles, this gerbil wheel. You go round and round and exert incredible energies but you're still contained within the cage. As long as you're doing these things for and about you, it's healthy. It's only when that cycle kicks in that this becomes harmful, even counter-productive. The old "keeping up with the Joneses" syndrome!

Time and patience. Patience and time. You've been with us only for a bit over a week. During that time you've read, posted, grown. You're not in the same place you were then. I like your "pray for help through the bad days, celebrate the good ones" philosophy. People like you are the ones who benefit the most from all this pain. Yes, benefit. They're the ones who use the pain to become better people, who grow from it and through it. I have a strong feeling that you're squarely centered in that category.

You post as often as you'd like. We'll sit with you through the bad days as well as the good ones. We're here for you...

Ammon

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Simmy:
<strong> i hear she has a "thin" body...so i diet and do Pilates and have regained my strength and balance so i no longer rely on my cane. next week i'm going to a doc for removal of age spots on my face. i'm running crazy and running amuck. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Simmy,,,,when my husband had his first affair, I did much the same as you,,,I tried to lose a few pounds, I started wearing make up more often, and I agonized myself with wondering if the OW was skinnier, prettier,had bigger boobs (sorry), or was just BETTER than me,,,I tried to MAKE MYSELF THE OTHER WOMAN. Well, you DO want to become the other woman, but not in the way you might think,,,,what I discovered was that MOST of the numerous women my husband cheated with were LARGER than I was,,,,,and although they were reasonably attractive, they were no beauty queens,,no better or no worse than me, anyway. When we were really able to TALK about the A's, and after reading Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair, I discovered that my husband cheated for one very simple reason,,,his GREATEST emotional needs had been unmet for so long (recreational companionship, conversation, affection), he slipped into the A's as a way to have them met. So before you go WILD creating a sensational new you FOR THE PURPOSE OF MAKING HIM HAPPY, make sure that that IS one of his emotional needs,,,why put all your effort into that (unless it makes YOU happy) if it only deposits very few love units into his bank?,,,,,if conversation is something he longs for, how much better would it be to spend the time TALKING? Or the money on a fabulous cruise so you can be alone together? The key is to do what gives the MOST love units deposit,,,,but to do that you must first find out what his needs are,,,,,do the questionnaires (you can find them here and in the book). They will help you immeasurably. Good Luck,,Holly

Why do i do Pilates, diet, and will have the age spots removed from my face? FOR MYSELF...NOT FOR H. i feel better, and look better, with the exercise and diet and they have improved my strength. i am blessed with genetics from my mother's side that ensures beautiful skin and i want to keep it blemish free. After all, what if he or i decide we CAN'T make it? No, I AM NOT QUITTING, i am, as you said, Ammon, running scared, and either thinking/not thinking realistically.

Valentine's Day was a good day. He bought me roses and a very meaningful card that read in part: I may not always say everything that comes into my mind--and heart--each day, but what really matters in my world is that we are together,....I don't forget that ever. I asked
him if he read the card thoroughly and he sighed and said of course, who do you THINK read it, and i said thank you, i appreciate the words. But then, being ME, BS, i remembered LAST Valentine's Day when he bought me roses and a simple card that said only to my wife, i love you....and how he disappeared at 2:00pm and didn't return until 4:00 AM.....tried to push thoughts away....cooked a great dinner, wine, and we ate together. could see guilt in his eyes, but i kept up small talk, nothing too personal to get him on edge....he cleaned up table, put everything in dishwasher and away. an allover good day...yes. renewed hope.

Sunday he stayed with his mother, she's 87 and a widow....YES he called me when he got there and again when he decided to stay as we were getting snowed in. On Monday, we talked several times b4 he got home. Normal. Before i went to bed (we were watching TV in family room) i gave him a kiss and hugged him to which he responded THEN I GUESS I MADE THE MISTAKE: i asked him if he felt any better with us, he stiffened and then said a strained yes. renewed despair. the roller coaster speeds downhill.

help please, words of wisdom, insight, direction, encouragement, Ammon, JaW, JL, HH, all who are reading.

CoffeeMan, can you give me a man's viewpoint?

Pendragon?

Simmy --

Keep the big picture in focus; don't get bogged down or discouraged with the guaranteed day-to-day roller-coaster that recovery brings. You've even used that term yourself so you know that it's an integral component of what you're going through.

When you're driving, your eyes are always looking ahead, farther down the road; it's the only smart and sane way to drive. You don't look at the cracks in the road directly underneath your tires; you'd go crazy trying to see and avoid them all and, what's more, they don't really matter to you or your car. No, you look ahead--and that's what you have to do here.

Remember that this is a process and that downs are as much a part of it as are the ups. When you see this in that much healthier light, everything becomes a step toward your goal. I've never yet heard of a recovery process that operates any differently. Ask anyone in recovery on this board if things have been totally smooth and without setbacks. You'll get zero affirmatives. Just doesn't happen.

So if ups and downs are a given, how do you get through the rough times? You keep your focus, you absorb the positive energies from the good times, and you accept and minimize the negative feelings that inevitably will be present from the harder ones. But you don't let them control you or dissuade you from the big picture. They are, after all, just feelings, not reality.

You DIDN'T make a mistake with your question. It is perfectly natural and normal for you to want to know where H is with all of this, especially since he's not volunteering that information. The "strained yes" wasn't the way you wanted to hear the answer delivered, but you DID get a yes! Is your cup half full or half empty? Look at the plus side and keep your eyepiece set on "distance."

Hang in there, Simmy, this is doable for you and you're just the one who can do it.

Ammon