Hello
I have not been on in awhile. I am in plan A right now and have been for around 2 months. My husband had a PA while away on business. I found out from his email only a few days after he returned. He was cold and awful and told me he was in love with her. We had a big blow out over christmas and he was going to call it quits. I asked him not to give up on us and at least try to give our marriage a chance. Things have improved 100%. We are not back to "normal" but well on our way. On the day of the blow out I told him if he wanted to work it out that there would have to be NC with OW. He told me he would cut all contact. He didn't. He does not know that I know the new password for his email. I know everything that goes back and forth between them. The emails are a bit innocent only jokes and l love you's at the end. There is no talk of meeting again. She often says that she wants a future with him and cant wait to see him and that she will never stop loving him. She has now moved half way across the world from us. I have been holding my tongue on this info about there continued contact. I know he has also called her a few times. There seems to be no talk of a future with her from his side anyway. He is always avoiding the subject with her. Anyway on the other side of things we are getting better together everyday. We just spent a weekend alone up north and made love for the first time since I found out about the PA. The first time was difficult. He said he felt strange with me. I could see the guilt in his eyes. Anyway we did make love and then made love the rest of the weekend. We talked about future trips a new business together etc. We are closer. He holds me when we are sleeping and often wakes up in the middle of the night smiling at me and kisses me. I am very happy about the way things are going. He still is not really able to freely tell me he loves me. This is hard for me. I dont know what to do. I want to tell him I know that the contact has not stopped but I am afraid it will ruin our progress. I dont know what to do. I am monitoring the emails still and there has been no contact yet since Thursday the day she moved back to her home in Australia. Some of her emails say to him one day she is just going to jump on a plane and come here to visit him. He never gives her a response to that. What if she does show up here one day? And what do I do about the contact issue? Should I confront him and risk it or should I let there relationship die a natural death (will it?) HELP

Hmmmmmmmmmmm-- is your WH claiming NC? lying about that is not acceptable and I know how you feel about things going well ((but define "going well" when you now KNOW he is STILL lying)) and you hate to rock the boat since he isn't giving back to OW what she is asking for......but who's to say he won't give in? I'd block OW email from coming into his mailbox-would he search for a block? or would he assume OW gave up? I might even change his password so he can't get any mail. I am done kidding myself- "never and forever"- can't trust either of them. good luck!

hi Hurt: Your H is continuing to deceive you. Do not accept this. A few "i luv u's" at the end of email is not innocent. It is hurtful to you and your M. It's sad that your H continues to treat you in this fashion. He hasn't really given up OW. One way or another your H will find out that you know - either by you confronting him or if you block her email. This has to come to the forefront if you expect your M to heal. I'm so sorry for what you are going through but it won't get better unless there is NC with OW.

Thanks for the advice
Ammon are you out there today. I guess I will have to let him know I know about the contact. I want to be sure to do it in a non arguementive way and also I dont want him to know I know the password. This is my only way of knowing what is going on. One other thing should I confront him outright or should I ask him about our future and us and see if he admits or get him to admit it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am sorry I have no advice. But I do have a question. How did you find the new password?

I know the password cause I installed spectorpro on the computer. It gave me his new password. Now he almost never touches the computer from home. But since I know the password it doesnt matter. I am unable to get at his work computer but I know that is where he srites her from

so you can access his work email from your home computer???????

No I have no access to the computer at his work. Anyway he uses hotmail so I can log in on his from anywhere.

Since you're wanting to confront him about continued contact...yet, don't want to let him know how you know...how about telling him you know about the phone calls. How did you find out about them? If you did discover the calls from the emails...this could still be dicey.

While you and your H do seem to be getting along much better, the truth still has not returned to your marriage on either side. He's still lying about contact, and you're still lying about knowing about the contact. Hard to have true recovery until truth returns.

Really don't know if I should do this, deleted it twice...but here goes:

You might forward one of his emails to a new email address which you make up for just this one purpose, then to another one you make up again, deleting the orginal sender (your H's email address)...then forward it from that email address to your own...then claim to have received it from this "unknown sender" who sent it to you. Do NOT do this from a computer you normal use home or work...do this from a computer cafe, college computer lab, somewhere there are many different users.

Very sneaky, not honest...but it might work. Just make sure that there are enough unknown email address so that he will likely assume that someone got into HER email box and has forwarded it to a few others before sending it to you. (Or he'll suspect that OW did it on her own.)

Not an honest way of going about it...but it would likely work. I don't much like this option...but you asked.

Good Luck!

Hurt --

Yes, I'm "out there today." Very glad to see you back on the board, but not glad for your continuing turmoil. We were missing you and wondering where you'd gotten to.

I agree with Krissee: this contact needs "outing." You're not being true to yourself or to your marriage by keeping it hidden. Also agree, given the circumstances, that there's no such thing as "innocent I-love-you's" in the emails.

I wouldn't worry about ruining your progress; it's very tenuous at best since the contact hasn't stopped; it's illusional and built on continued deceit on his part = "progress" in name only.

It's easy to know what is right to do, much more difficult to do it. But remember that this awkward structure in your relationship has been brought about by H's hand, not yours.

Would you feel better if you waited? Since things between you are "better," since what you know about their involvement is less threatening to you, since OW is far away on another continent, since H is responding to you in significant ways, since things "have improved 100%" -- maybe you want to mark time here? What would make you the most comfortable?

If you confront him, he'll probably figure out pretty fast that you've been into his emails, at least those on the home computer. Is it possible that what you're seeing in them is innocuous on purpose? That the "real" contact is made on his office computer? I don't mean to raise false spectors here, but I'm mistrusting of NC agreements that obviously are not being honored.

"Will the A die a natural death?" -- the odds say yes, the distance and difficulty of sustaining say yes. The key factors here are H's willingness to let it go and your patience and tenacity. How long are you willing to let this go on unaddressed? Is it to your benefit to keep things quiet for now?

Hard questions, no easy or sure answers. Most here on this board probably would say "get it out" and "open it up" -- something you're hesitant to do. You have to do what feels right for you; it's your marriage and your H and your life.

Glad we've connected again. Make sure, please, that you don't drop out of sight again without warning (lol!). We're here for you...

Ammon

Thank you so much for all the advice. He has no idea that I know about the emails at all. He does everything from work. I am able to log in to his account as it is a hotmail account. He is clueless to what I know. I know about the calls because when she writes back she will say things like it was nice talking to you or call me at ? time. I confronted him once because I found a long distance calling card. He denied it. I think he calls from work. He has his own business with a partner. I am sure that he calls her directly from that line since he knows I am on to the phone card usage. I am unable to get hold of those or see those bills. Since our weekend away he has not even touched his email. She sent him one with her new number and I deleted it before he could see it. Anyways he has not even looked at the email. I see this as a good sign but I know it is only temporary. I want to confront him. We are talking about doing a new business together. We are planning to discuss it in more detail soon. I was planning to say that I cant commit to this until I know he is with me 100% and can prove it. I just dont know.......

Hurt…DON’T DO what Just a wifey 2002 said to do about sending out the e-mails (sorry Just a wiffey 2002, but you did type it and delete it three times…so you were unsure too). It's not that it’s that bad of an idea, but for the reason that there could be ways that your H can find out that it originally was sent from his e-mail and computer. I don’t know how computer literate he is (or you), but there are ways…believe me, there are.

I agree that that you are not being honest with him concerning it all, and there has been many posts talking about people knowing/spying etc. on e-mails. Most of the people will say that you are being just as deceitful and dishonest as he is. But, I’m sure if he were honest with you, then you would be able to let your guard down and be honest with him.

I know this because I too know about my W’s e-mail’s etc. Even though I knew, and watched them go back and forth, she denied it (typical, right), finally I could take it no more and thought that if I told her that I looked at her e-mail…confronted her with them, it would bring everything out, and it would stop…well it didn’t! They just decided that they have to be more careful and stopped saying anything in e-mails, and are IMing each other instead. Yes, I read everything they write to each other in their IM’s (again there are ways), but I have no intentions on tipping my hand. If I didn’t see what was happening through the IM’s I would not know anything…it would all be hidden. If I didn’t see and know this there would actually not be ANY signs that anything was wrong in my marriage…we are closer now than we have been in quite a while. She acts as though she loves me greatly, etc….I have no complaints (…other than my W is having an EA and PA). My W keeps saying that I need to trust her, and not be so paranoid…she shows me e-mails that are just talk between them…what she doesn’t know is that I do know all. I am not going to tip my hand and loose the one means of knowing that either something is happening or not.

I say don’t tip you hand…use it for reassurance that either nothing is going on, or for proof that something is. If he knows that you are looking at his e-mail, he will only be sneakier and find another means. Yes, you are withholding information from him, but it is for the betterment of your relationship…

You also mentioned that he uses hotmail as e-mail. Most likely he has additional mailboxes that you don’t know about, because it is so easy to create one…and it is free.

Have the two of you been to counseling? If you haven’t GO!!!

I have not, but will be attending the Marriage Builders weekend and follow-up sessions…if that does not do anything We WILL be going to counseling!!!!!

I have posted a topic for the first time after driving myself crazy for three years. I’ve been reading MB site and many others, thinking that things will change, that I would be able to make it change…and they have but not for the better. I really wish I went to counseling three years ago! I may not be where I am today.

Let me say that I know what you are going through…I read their e-mails for about three months, trying to stop the relationship. The showing of e-mails did not stop anything…I have contemplated sending out copies of their IM conversations from her e-mail to all everyone in her address book (her parents, my parents, her sister, etc.) and saying that it was a virus (that would be a lie)…but I haven’t and I’m only using it as verification of what’s going on. Eventually, when she admits and feels sorry for what she is doing I WILL let her know that I knew and saw all along.

Again…find a counselor if you haven’t done so already!!!!!

Sincerely,
WSD

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: Wife stll denying... ]</small>

Hurt…
Just wanted to follow-up to my last post…

If you are doing counseling or going to do counseling, print out the e-mails and discusses them there, with the counselor. If you are planning to confront him yourself, be prepared that he could just say anything to appease you.

Again keep the progress that you have made going, seek counseling, even if you are telling him that you feel that you need it, instead of saying that he needs it!

Good luck…
WSD