I'll try and keep this kinda short.. my story. Married 12 years, 2 boys ages 2 and 4. Before birth of first child,3 miscarriages, then sick everyday while p.g. with both kids. Had a very good career job- due to hostile takeover of company, lost job Aug 1, 2002. May 2002, my husband in another state on biz for week. I start getting anonymous phone calls tell me he's sleeping with different women on these trips. He says "no".. doesn't know how saying these things.. I say any more phone calls, I'm going to police. He totally agrees- hmm, so he must not be lying.. How stupid of me. I check his cell. There are 1-800 numbers calling through a credit card to mask phonenumbers. I tell him to stop what ever in the heck he's doing. Things seem to stop.. From May to July I must admit, I didn't have much energy to put out on the marriage between 2 very little kids, and a hostile takeover happening at my workplace and we were in the process of buying a new house. August 1, I lose my job, buy Dr. Phil thinking it might get me thinking of what I want to do now in life. As I'm reading it, I reazlise how little I've been putting into the marriage. I've really put my husband on the back burner. I drop my guard, I'm now reliant on him for income, I'm so excited and ready to be a stay at home wife and mom. I'm thrilled. Short lived. 1 week later, message left on our answering machine stating my husband is a slut and if he sleeps with whoever this guys wife is again, he's going to kill him. I confront husband, he finally admits he's been sleeping with these married women on biz trips. I'm beyond devestated. Now- here we are in Feb.2003 I do think the women in other states stopped. Email has stopped, phone calls, etc.. but.. I now think he has a woman in the city next door. Jan 1, I confronted him.. he denied, but those hours of missing time stopped, or catching him on the phone.. until this weekend. Sat. he was acting weird, I did the old *69 and sure enough, an unlisted number had just called. then Sunday he had to go to "work" and he was gone for 6 hours.. not answering phone at work, or picking up email etc.. He says he wants a divorce, but he doesn't move towards one. I think he thought I'd just get mad at the affair, and do all the paperwork for him.. He'd just sign his name and go. I threw him for a loop when I said "no".. If you are filing- you are doing it on your own.. I'm not helping you to walk away.. I'm trying to be a better wife, and keep my chin up- but dang is it hard.. He has put a wall up 100 feet high between us. Everytime I think it's time to move on, I look at my boys and just cry. They are so close. We play family games together every night.. we eat together, we shop together, My 4 year old was sitting on the front step Sunday just waiting for his daddy to come home. I just cry. My questions to all of you are
1) Do I keep working at it even though he's just sitting there. We don't fight, we aren't intimate, we are just co-existing. And if yes- how do I keep a smile on my face when I'm dying inside.
2) Am I correct in saying if he wants a divorce- he needs to do the leg work.. My personality is to just do it. I a sink needs fixed, I just take care of it, if something needs done- I just do it.. It totally freaked him that I'm not just taking care of this.
3) Is there a time frame of him going through this depression like state? He is now saying he'll stay in the marriage for the boys.. so I still have him here. is this good? I think yes since no arguing in front of the kids, but I don't know.
4)How do I deal with his outright lying about the current affair when I have proof but only to a point. do I hire the private investigator and just put it in his face?

Sorry this is so long.. I feel like a deer in the headlight. I lost my job, my husband, my life all in 1 year.. Somedays I need superglue for a smile.. it's just overwhelming...(I haven't found a new job yet- so I can't support me and the kids alone and I won't get much for alimony since I was making so dang much in my lost job-- I saw atty behind his back just to protect myself) Thank you for listening

You can recover, but it is really hard if he is not on board. To a certain extent, it does not matter why he stays, as long as he stays. But if an affair is ongoing, he isn't really "there", is he? Whether or not he is willing to participate, do three things:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Thank you John.. it's amazing to me how someone can be lying right beside you, and you feel like the most alone person in the world. I'll start reading!! From crusing around on the boards, it's seems like him being here since there's no violence, etc.. is for the best since I do want us to stay married if there is any way. I'm very worried about the "out of sight/mind"..