This is my first time writing the e-mail here, since I really need some advice and help from anyone out there.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, we have two children, 6 and 4. I discovered my husband had affair with his co-worker around Sep 2001, it has been going on since.

First he told me, they were just friends. This girl has a boyfriend whom they live together now. The girl always talks to my husband when she and her boyfriend had problem. Gradually my husband want to go to office during weekend and come home later around mid-night during work day. I knew there must be something going on with them. I found some evidence, his phone bill, his credit card bill. I have talked to my husband lots of times about this. He always deny the relationship with her.
Last year around spring time was the worst time, almost everyday he came home late, every weekend he went out to 'work', and he asked me several times if he can move out. He said there are lots of problems between us, he doesn't feel the same way as he felt about me before. He doesn't know if he still loves me that much. The only thing he need is if I let him move out, give him some space. If he think he wants to come back in the future to work on our relationship, he will do that then. But for now, he don't know if our relationship will improve.
He is 40 years old now, the girl is 28 years old. The girl told my husband she wants to get married, however she doesn't to whom, she doesn't know if her boyfriend is the one for her.

However I didn't let him move out. I was afraid that if he moves out he will never come back to us. I told him if he moves out, he is not at home, how can we improve our relationship, and he will most likely be with that girl if he moves out which I think I cannot accept. But the real truth he told to his best friend, and his friend told me is that he asked girl he wants to move out with her, the girl told him she didn't want to break up our family, so she didn't want to see he moves out. Also she knows about two kids, which she didn't like to take responsible for. So my husband didn't move out.

I was trying very hard on everything to improve our relationship. I can see some improvements from my husband, he didn't go to work during weekend that much, he didn't stay work that later. Even though I found out he still calls her and she calls him sometime. (I can not tell if there is anything happened during work time)
One thing is that when the girl's boyfriend out on business trip, the girl always calls my husband out, then he will say he is busy with his project, he has to work later and has to do overtime during weekend. This happened once last October for about three weeks. And last Friday 2/7, he was out again with the girl which I found out that the girl's boyfriend was out again.

I talked to my husband, asking him why he was out with that girl again. He asked me to give him some room, some space. He said even though he think our relationship has some improvements since last year, he still think our relationship was not so good. The only reason he is staying with us now is because he thinks the two kids are too young. Eventually he will leave us if the kids grown up and he will see how our relationship goes.

I don't know what should I do right now. I felt I'm very tired after all my efforts and trying work out since this affair happened. Now my husband still don't want to break up with the girl, and he want me to give him some space. Should I give him this space he wants, and wait until some day he comes back to us?

The other thing I'm thinking is to talk to the girl this Friday 2/14, tell her that she is breaking our family, ask her to leave us alone. Tell her that she needs to take the consequences if she continues having affair with my husband. I'm not sure if this is a good approach for me?

Could anyone out there Please give me some advise and help ASAP?

Thanks
MS

You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%, providing you do three things:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

One more thing, as long as the affair continues, "both of you working on it" doesn't really apply, so you should consider Plan B (see What Are Plan A and Plan B?), and include telling the girls BF. Their relationship is unlikely to survive the light of day.

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Thanks for the info. I'll try to read as much as I can. Meantime, I should start to look for a good counselor.
I'm not sure if I go talk to this girl this Friday, how will she react to this, how my husband will react to it. Will he be mad about me?

Strong:

1.) Yes, you should confront her, but be very careful. You don't want to be in a position where you might threaten her in any way, as she can use that against you. Let her know you are aware of the affair, and that you understand how they occur. If you haven't read Surviving An Affair, I recommend HIGHLY that you do, so you don't make some disrespectful judgments that will be used against you -- as once the affair is exposed, it has the potential to get ugly fast. Restraining orders, etc. can occur, and once the legal system is involved, it can be a real war, which detracts from rebuilding efforts.

2.) I would contact the OW's BF and let him know, too. Understand that if he leaves her, that this creates an opportunity for your fog-bound H to go to this woman. That's why you should read SAA before you act.

3.) Confronting the OW is definitely a love buster. You are controlling the situation, and taking control from the lovers when this happens. Expect rapid fallout, but stick to your guns. Your H will likely try to manipulate by asking why you did it, suggesting you should have trusted him to end the A. Once you read SAA, you'll see that this is a trick to maintain some secret contact with her.

4.) Read all the material available: His Needs, Her Needs, Love Busters, Falling in Love and Staying in Love, and of course, SAA. These books are all written by Willard Harley, and he's probably got the best database to ground his opinions. Get a broad picture, and you'll find that you can implement a rebuilding once you have a complete understanding of the concepts. It is easy to form essentially incorrect assumptions and let your feelings run amok, without being armed with this knowledge. It's certainly no guarantee, but understanding the concepts, means you can truly be understanding when dealing with your H.

You've made the appropriate first step by getting here. Don't stop researching now.

Good luck and God Bless!

<small>[ February 17, 2003, 01:34 AM: Message edited by: awake ]</small>

Ditto everything everybody else said,,,right now your husband is in a fog, and he is trying to bargain BOTH your marriage AND the OW,,,,you need to read Surviving an Affair so you can formulate a good Plan A (essentially a way to get the other woman OUT of your husband's life,,,,once you do that you can start recovery). His "wanting space" is esentially a way to get you to allow him to move out, so he can see her more easily,,,textbook case if you read the book. Take heart,,,,95 percent of affairs end within months of the spouse finding out. Almost surely, if you follow the proper procedures (Plan A, followed by Plan B if necessary) you can get him to agree to no contact, and THEN you can start the principals that will make him fall in love with you and you with him again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It can truly be miraculous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Best of luck, Welcome to the board, and post often,,,,,Holly