After catching him keeping messages secret from me on his cell, husband admits to discussing our marriage with OW. By the way, he never really told me how unhappy he was. After much conversation, he still does not admit to being involved with her. Not sure if he had an EA or PA. Don't know how to go about handling this. I feel that it would be different based upon reality of relationship with this OW. I want to be supportive of his confusion, but not a sap if he is involved with OW. Also, am really trying to control my anger at his consideration of leaving me and splitting up our family of 4. I have recently decided to give him his space and just go on with my life and wait for him to let me know what he decides. I hate this! Any suggestions?

Denying of an affair, either EA or PA is almost written in cement for the WS unless proof is shoved down their throats and then they still try to deny around the obstruction.

Please read the information on this site, lots of valuable insight and options. Take from it what you feel will benefit YOU and your marriage.

Good Luck!

Go --

After reading your gracious comments to me on Currer's thread, I just had to try to find your story to maybe be able to return your kindness. So, now I've found you here on your own thread...

My thoughts: Hardly ever does a WS raise the issue of unhappiness before an A happens, then it becomes the raison d'etre for its existence ("look at how unhappy I've been for years..."). Of course your H didn't tell you he was unhappy; he wasn't. But something allowed him to make that very poor choice to move on this impulse and become involved. Something told him that this was the way to address whatever his problems were. Down the road apiece, you're both going to want to address that part of this, to both provide some answers and to prevent a reoccurence. MC's can help greatly with this.

You have every right to be angry with H that he would jeopardize your marriage and family unit in such a callous and selfish way! Certainly in a way that has caused you (and will continue to cause you for some time) immense and unnecessary pain. Were you using "leaving you" in a metaphorical sense or has H separated from your home? I think I'm reading that he "considered" it but hasn't acted on it, right?

Certainly you hate this; who wouldn't! None of us ever needs what we're forced to endure, but Richard Bach said a very telling thing: "Every problem comes to us with a gift in its hands." So where's the gift here? What can we make out of this rubble? Not in this case? Lemons to lemonade? A better relationship? Hmmmmm...

"Any suggestions?" -- yes, since you've asked. You continue to post here and let us walk this path with you. You consider counseling for yourself and for H too, if he will. You read your head off on this site. Get that HNHN (His Needs, Her Needs) and digest it. Look at and complete the EN Questionaire (Home page).

The only problem if you "wait for him to let me know what he decides" is that it gives him all of the control of the timetable and reduces your part to that of a bystander. Don't you want to be a bit more involved than that? Read and consider the MB Plan A stuff here; it's a great way to set up a proactive plan for yourself and for an eventual recovery for your marriage.

How much do you want to know? Everything? H is unwilling to "fess up" and discuss this with you (very common). You may need to do some judicious snooping (we call it Basic Research) to learn the extent of things. Is it your feeling that the A is on-going?

You sound very "together" with what's going on, and that's a very good thing for you and your children. We wish you well with this. It's early on a very bumpy ride, so let us help. We're here for you...

Ammon

Ammon,

You are so incredibly articulate! Thank you for your kind and inspiring words.

No my H has not left the home, and to be honest I think that he is probably scared to death to. I do believe that he had been feeling neglected by me. I am my Mother's legal guardian, as she has suffered from Parkinson's Disease for the past 22 years. Over the past two years she has had many health and financial problems which have consumed much of my time and energy. I also run my own business and have 2 daughters, 7 & 9. There probably was just not enough of me to go around and he got sick of it. He was a great support to me for a long time. Actually, most people thought that he was the perfect husband, deeply in love with me. (even me, I guess) He also requires a lot of stroking, not high in the self-esteem area. If there has been an A, and I really don't know, I think that it was probably an EA. There is one woman in particular that I have in mind, someone on a committee with him who was very unhappy in her marriage and I believe is now seperated. Apparently he and she used to discuss "how a couple can lose their connection, etc." I am assuming that this relationship is the root of the problem. I understand your concern that I am sitting back and letting him call all the shots, but be assured that I do have a plan. I have been working so hard for almost a year to "fix" this and "make him see what is really going on"-you see I tend to be a bit of a problem-solver and a fixer. Anyway, I do think that all of that is just pushing him farther away. It is more of the same behavior. I have been reading Michele Weiner Davis' book The Divorce Remedy and have decided to back off a bit and move on with my own life. To focus on myself a bit and not make him feel that my life will be over if this doesn't work out. I did this only after making it clear to him that I love him and want more than anything for our marriage to get better. The conversation that prompted this new tact was one in which he said he doesn't know if he wants to work on this. He has to discover that this is worth working on, I can not force him to see that. I can only do my best to create an environment and a person that is something that he wants to be a part of. Anyway, that is what I am trying now. I will have to see what his response is and act accordingly. Interestingly enough, we each see and IC and I had requested that we go together to his, he was a little hesitant due to the fact that he does not know if he wants to impove things, I told him yesterday that until he decides if he wants to work on this, there really is no point in us seeing someone together. That seemed to get his attention. I know I have such a long road ahead. I need to get him to want to do the work first and then start implementing some of Dr. Harley's advice. I did read His Needs, Her Needs-I thought it was great, I only wish that I had read it 2 years ago. It is so great to have someone to communicate with about all of this. Thank you!

He has to discover that this is worth working on, I can not force him to see that. I can only do my best to create an environment and a person that is something that he wants to be a part of.
This is where you learn MB principles and put them into practice. SHOW him you are the person who puts these principles into practice.

need to get him to want to do the work first and then start implementing some of Dr. Harley's advice.
That's not how it works.

You start implementing ALL of Dr Harleys advice. First and foremost, this is for YOU.

Then he may want to do the work. But even if he doesn't, you still need to do it.

<small>[ February 15, 2003, 01:55 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

go for high land,

the reason he wont admit to OW is in his mind there is no OW.if theres been no physical contact he doesn't concider it an A.to him its just talk.with out proof all you can go on is your gut feeling.if he did have or having an A time will tell.but dont hound him about it without proof.it will only drive him away.if i read your timeline corrctly this was a year ago.is that correct.or did you just find the phone numbers.the last thing you want to do is punish him for something he hasn't done.i friend cheated on his wife because she accused him of it for years so he decided to give her something to really be mad at.poor excuse for an A but it can happen.dont drive him into the arms of another....pull him into yours!
if he did have an A ,ea or pa it cant be changed .you have to decide what you want to do.if you need to know ,as most do,then do your digging now,before you commit to anymore.dont let you imagination run wild,work with facts only.
your post hits me rather hard.years ago my wife was convinced that i had an affair.she never bothered to dig for evidence just accuse.its easy to prove it happened,its much harder to prove it didn't.as i found out.looking back i realize all the signs were there.but i could do nothing to prove otherwise.she held that over me for the next 8 years.everything i did was wrong.every arguemnet we had was ended with that issue thrown in my face.her anger for me blocked out any love she had or recieved.and then it happened.she had an affair.and she blamed it on what she thought i did.i think she finally believes me now,but after the damage was done.dont make the same mistake.find out now.either way.

ROB S. Thanks for your concern. I think that we are making progress here. If you are interested go into General Questions II, under Ammon you were right about EA. I will try not to push the accusations-Thanks for the advice!

ROb.S
Great I am glad I finally see a post from the male perspective..... I am constantly seeking that kind of thing......... Honest to goodness, reasons why men might do these things and vice-versa..... your case is different......as I think I understand you didn't actually have one? correct me if I am wrong.......

Go --

We haven't heard from you for several days--are you still out there?

Give us an update. Are you guys still "making progress?" Sure hope so.

Let us know what's going on, even if it's just a line or two. We're still here for you...

Ammon