Last week unfortunately I found out two devastating things:

1. My husband has been having a long distance emotional & almost soon to be physical affair
2. He has fallen out of love with me

The last couple of years have been difficult for us so I can understand what has led him to where we are now. He began individual counseling and says he is willing to try to fix things but my instincts tell me he thinks there isn't much hope. We are planning to attend therapy together once he sorts some things out on his own first.

To my surprise, I have managed to stay really strong so far. I was what I would call a strong wreck the first couple of days but strangely today I feel good and in control. Is this part of the stages of shock? I spent the last couple of days trying to figure out how we can make things better. I also spent some time trying to find positive aspects to the situation in case it does end in divorce. I love my husband more than anything in this world and *really* want us to stay together, but I realize that if we cannot be happy together I can find a way to be happy on my own.

I really want to begin working on fixing things but I know he needs some time to sort things out first. Any guidelines on how much time I should give him before working together on emotional needs, etc.?

Thanks!

S_S:

Ask him if he's willing to start working now. He may not be, but you never know. There have been WSs that have been willing to cut off all contact and focus on the M upon discovery of the A. (my W isn't one of those, unfortunately).

Get into counseling as soon as you can. You should consider calling one of the Harleys (check the website for how to do this). They are a bit pricey, but they'll save you money, and quite probably your M, in the long run. If you don't counsel with them, at least read the guidelines on selecting a counselor on the home page. There's some good advice there.

If you haven't read them, please check out the articles on the home page as well. You can probably pretty quickly find an example real-life situation similar to your own.

There is HOPE! Most people these days, finding out about their spouse's A, would rather fix the problems rather than divorce.

Welcome!
-Qfwfq

Staying --

Welcome to MB. Unfortunately, your #1 and #2 things are conjoined; one bespeaks the other, and in the order you've given. I'm sorry for your discoveries and for the pain they have already caused for you and your marriage.

But I'm very encouraged both by your attitude and sound perspective and by H's "willingness to fix things" = good signs. H is doing IC and you both will do some joint counseling in awhile. BTW, don't assume that H thinks there isn't much hope; in fact, don't make assumptions about any of this, period! Maybe that's a good issue for you two to have a solid, gentle, non-threatening, non-judgmental face-to-face convo about.

How long have you been married? Any children? Ages? What has been the nature of the problems during the last couple of years? Whatever you're comfortable with; the more we know, the more direct and focused our thoughts can be.

Why did you say "an almost soon-to-be PA?" H's words? Is the long-distance element about to be changed? Has H asked for time to sort things out? (more questions!)

I think you can begin working on the EN aspects immediately. A good place to start is with the EN Questionaires (and any of the others) linked on the Home page. Download one, make two copies, and you and H each complete one independently; then get together and compare notes. Also get and read the book HNHN (His Needs, Her Needs) also here on this site. Read "Are You New Here?" (Home page) and the many articles about A's. So much good info here that it'll take ages to go through it all.

Post again and give us a bit more info and just to check in with us. We'll sit with you through this if you'd like. We're here for you...

Ammon

Staying --

Wanted to make another point or two. Your discovery #1 virtually guarantees that H will think and feel discovery #2, but it almost certainly isn't true. Around here we call this state "The Fog." As long as the A continues, The Fog has rolled in and obliterated any semblance of sanity and cohesive thinking for the WS. They actually believe they're "in love" with the OP and, of course, can't be in love with the BS. The new focus in their lives is someone else and all thoughts and emotional energies are directed elsewhere.

Objectively, none of this has any basis in reality, but it IS reality for the fog-bound WS. It's a fantasy world in which EN's are met and the WS receives whatever they perceived was missing in their marriage. Daily chores and dirty diapers don't intrude; life is bliss. Except of course it's not, at least not usually for long. Generally, when the A ends, the Fog lifts (or vice versa) and the WS is able then to recommit to the marriage, but hardly ever before that happens.

It's always an immensely poor and weak choice for the WS, these A's. Nothing is addressed or solved and much is adversely affected as many are hurt. Someone once said that an A is THE most violent thing that one spouse can do to the other, short of murder. Kinda sums up the seriousness of the situation.

Most die on their own, of their own weight and complexity (hard work keeping a clandestine relationship going!), generally within 18 months, some much shorter and some longer. How long has H's A been on-going? What's H's attitude about it? Is he sorry, contrite, remorseful? Is it still on-going? See the MB Plan A material for a good way to proceed.

Guess I had more to add than I had realized. Please keep in touch with us; we do care...

Ammon

Thanks for your support!

Here is a bit more info on the situation. We have been together almost ten years, and we have a 2 month old baby (which makes this especially difficult).

He has problems with my physical appearance (wearing sweats & thinning hair prob.) which I have begun working on now that pregnancy has ended.
He also feels that the spark is missing from our relationship and that our sex life is boring. Sound familiar <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ? I have been frustrated for a while since he never wants to do anything except watch tv and smoke pot.

He has kept this bottled up inside him for a year and half. This is surprising to me since I have always tried to foster an open communication environment. My philosophy throughout the relationship has always been "if you ever want to cheat on me that's ok, please just let me know first so we can fix the problem. The lies hurt more." Everyone thinks we have a perfect relationship and that he is a such a great guy so he tried to internalize everything and fix things in his own head. Obviously, that did not work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I went into withdrawal mode last summer when he hurt me by saying that he couldn't stop thinking about my thinning hair and that he found himself being mean to me as a result. I did not want to be continually getting upset and harm the baby as a result so I basically shut down.

The details on his affair are its only been a couple of weeks with a coworker he met on a business trip. Phone calls and emails. He was going to fly her to meet him on one of his business trips but that fell through. He says that he did not do anything physical with her yet, he really wanted to but she stopped him. It really hurt to find out that he made a CD for her right in front of my face and had the nerve to put our wedding song on it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
He says that he has stopped communicating with her, but said he did check his mailbox to see if she had written him since.

I told him that it's normal for him to want to communicate with her still but that he needs to let me know if he breaks down and contacts her. I hope he will do so but I am not sure...

So I read many of the articles on this site and found them extremely helpful! I recommended to my H that he read some too and he did. He was surprised at how "textbook" his situation was. But when we talk about working things out, he always prefaces statements with "if we are able to work things out" in a voice that doesn't have much hope. I asked him about that and he says that he isnt sure if we can work things out and does not want to string me along by pretending things will be ok. I appreciate his honesty but wish he could be more hopeful...

Thanks for any insite!
-staying_strong

how fortunate you are...my WS lied to me about an affair with a long-time family friend...everyone knew except me (cuz happy hybby wouldn't admit it, so therefore how can we fix anything?) even my kids knew andf its tearing them apart...you know i first thought i would just let him go without a fight but now i am thinking he better not be a [censored]....cuz i will come out swinging, kije he does, where it won't show any marks or bruises, huh sweetie? oh yes, my former long-term aquaintance has got herself a real bargain....cuz what kind of man would lie to his wife with his kids help and then not leave her for the sl***t that came so many miles to be with him????