My wife informed me she is leaving.
I came home from work a few weeks ago, found a note saying she is tired of feeling like a nobody. And stated she does not know if she is coming back. On some web page she had a message that Feb 8 was her big day. I asked her about that and she said that was the day she was planning on leaving me. That night she came back. Feb. 8 was like a week away yet. Anyhow that day came and she is still here.
A few nights ago i made a sexual advance toward her, as usual she rejected and or refused me. (This has been the case for like three years now.)Anyhow a few hours later i awoke and was alredy touching her, she got into it, did her personal thing, did not ever touch me in any way. When she was done with her orgasm she said i better wash my hand, she was just ending her monthly. When i was leaving for work, i gave her a kiss said I love you, she hugged back said i love you to.
Later in the day i phoned her from work . I sensed something was wrong, so i asked. She was very mad at me and so cold. Said i had violated her and it should be her choice what goes into her body. I reassured her my love stick never entered or touched her.She was so mad.
For about two years now i have had to beg for her affection or attention. Always came up short. Hinting did not work. Asking, same thing, nothing.
She told me today, that Saturday,in two days she is packing up and moving out. We have children, his hers and ours. She is taking one of ours and leaving one.
She told me a few days ago she hated men. Actually i believe she only hates me. She refuses me in all ways possible.
She also told me today she does not want to hurt me.
While we were talking she asked me what i wanted to do with this or that. I kept responding its all up to you. She was getting frustated with me because for a long time she has always said i never answer her guestions. Finally i said CHristy, what i want is to get over this hurdle together. I do not want to go the road you have chosen, I want us to stay married and grow old together. When we are old and gray rocking in our rocking chairs sharing memories from our oast, the ones that made us cry, as well as all of the happy memories and everything in between.
I told her she is calling all of the shots.
Our sex, intamacy between us has been a joke for about three years. Whenever i would approach her in a sexual way, she would reject and or refuse. She would say because you yell at me. I tried explaining that i really was not yelling at her, its just that iam frustrated in a sexual way. There were times when i have or would yell at her though. For the most part she would sleep on one of the couches. Anyhow, i got to the point where i would not touch her, or hold her. Some times out of spite, some times in hopes that maybe she would approach me.
Three years ago when she started her new job, i made several attempts in several ways to bring her supper. She informed me she never knows when her break is, so i said lets like plan a date, one day in the future lets plan on meeting some place and a paticular time as well. Never happened. One day while i was at her work,(office)
upon departure i went to kiss her, with just a little passionate kiss, you know with the tongue. I do not mean one that is meant to be behind closed doors.
Also for Halloween she made all her co workers a little candy bag. Yes i was jealous. She never made me one until i mentioned that it bothered me.
On my drive home from work, some times i would go the long way home in hopes to see her pas by on her way to work. Even if it was just to recieve a quick wave, and by all means definetly if time permitted for us to stop a second and chat.
She told me the only reason i was wanting to do any of these was to check up on her. That was a serious blow, that actually hurt. That was the furthest thing from my mind.
I would bring her flowers guite often, and only recieve if anything, a quick thank you as she once again ran to the computer, where she would spend endless hours day and night.
I asked if maybe on week ends we could have a bedtime together some times. I would stay up late waiting for her return from work, only to fall asleep waiting for her to do her, as usual own thing. I would try to get involved with her interests on the computer. One day i checked the history so i could learn more about her. Again she accused me of checking up on her. She was involved in some step parenting group on line. Every night she was there for them. I would ask for her, and always get put on hold. Those ladies would always recieve, night after night.
As time goes by, she changed all of her passwords to the things that we used to do together. Even checking her email.
She focused on shutting me out in all ways, and then i would get so frustrated, that i would shout and yell at her.
I asked her one day why was it a problem giving to me, and doing things for me. He reply was Steve i wash your clothes, clean your house and cook you supper. I said Christy, i do all of those as well, just like you do for all eight of us. What i really mean though Christy, things for just me, my person. She said all i ever do i complain, and whine and that i was so spoiled.
A few weeks ago i cooked her her very own supper. Placed it on a plate in the fridge, left a note, thinking of you, hope you enjoy. She came home, ate some, and gave the rest of what she was eating to the dog. Then as usual went for hours on the computer. I think i fell victim to her trap, because i was bothered that once again, all i could recieve was a simple thank you.
I voiced my thoughts, just to end up in an arguement over that because i was wanting some damn affection and attention from her, in an intimate way! Only to be put on hold.
I brought her a single rose the other day, i recieved nothing but static and lecturing. All about my 11 year old son.
Today i brought her a small Valentine, she was tieing her shoes when i approached her to give it to her. I waited a sec or two, she showed no signs of accepting it, so i turned to walk away. She then said thank you, so i placed it on the table. After about 10 minutes later, i threw it away. Yes my feelings were hurt. Was i out of place to show any emotion? She ended up being mad at me. When she left, she just waved and said by. So i called her, went and gave her a hug.
A few nights ago when she came home from work, i asked her why she didn't leave.(NOT THAT I WANT HER TO) She stated she has no place to go. That she still had every intent to leave when she could. So i told her if you are still planning on leaving then get your stuff and get out now. I was yelling now! She had one pair of pants on the table, i threw them at her and said get out now! She called the police. Told them i was throwing her clothes at her and telling her to get out. I went to jail cuz of a unpaid speeding ticket. So she went to bed.
Three years ago we discussed together about working arrangements, trying to avoid a huge daycare debt, for six children. She stated she would work second shift, she does not mind. For a long time to come she would always say i told her she had to work second. I hate her working second shift. All the incomplete meal tables, all the solo couch time, all the solo bedtime. All the waking up without her. I asked if she could wake up with me sometimes and share a cup of coffee together. On two seperate times she got up, well after i finished my coffee. She asked if she did good, so i told her once, yes. Once i said i suppose, but im done with my coffee. That was the end of that.
She has always complained that i do not communicate with her. I have left so many notes. So many! Am i 100%, no.
I have even left love you notes, thinking of you notes taped to the door so she would see them as she came home, or taped to the computer screen. That was communicating! But as she would say, all in a selfish way.
On two occasions she accused me of poisoning her food!!! What the h was that.
One thing i have said over and over, Christy, iam not a monster.
Now, i need to say this, i do not live or bring up the past. I try to have it resolved asap, if its going to be resolved that is. Cuz not every issue will be. I bring up the past here for a reason.
When i wouild ground her daughter, she would always give her money, and let her go to the store with brothers and sisters. Or she would allow the daughter to have friends stay over. So i stopped punishing the daughter.
Now, why would i want to do anything and everything to help save my marriage?
What is going on?
Again, she says she hates men, says she does not want to hurt me. Why do i still want to be with this person. This person who can take take take and to give very little. Yet claim she gives so much. What am i missing here.
She gives so much effort in giving me nothing.
Why do i want to save my marriage?
HELP PLEASE???

Well, to be really honest, your wife may have some serious mental issues. She may not be alright as a wife because she is not alright as a person. Does she have a personal physician who knows her? If she does, make an appointment for yourself to see the physician in person without your wife, and express your concerns. Ask if it might be possible that your wife has some sort of personality or psychiatric disorder. Start with her doctor, or some professional who knows her.

Also, there could be a physical disease that has your wife acting strangely.

This situation needs help from outside experts. It doesn't sound like anything simple that you can do on your own.

MB principles cannot work to save a marriage if there is a serious mental problem unaddressed.

My 2 cents.

<small>[ February 13, 2003, 07:27 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

You wrote : "On two occasions she accused me of poisoning her food."

This is a red flag, and very troubling. Get her medical/pshchiatric help.

<<<On two occasions she accused me of poisoning her food>>>

seriously troubling,,,,I would try and get her to counseling, and in the meantime I would read His Needs, Her Needs by Dr Harley which is EXCELLENT,,,,,your needs for affection, sexual satisfaction and recreational companionship (just three that I can see right HERE) are going very unmet,,,,,I would be willing to bet that her needs are as well,.....you can't meet them until you know what they are. If the two of you can start meeting eachother's emotional needs, stop love busters, and make sure she doesnt have any serious mental issues (or address them if she does) you may be able to save your marriage. Don't give up too soon, the MB principals are truly miraculous when applied correctly,,,they make a world of difference,,,Best of luck to you,,, Holly

PS,,,,you don't say if you suspect an affair,,if so you will have to get the OM out of the picture before you can go through the withdrawl period and then enter marital recovery,,,if yous suspect an affair, i would also recommend reading Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley first,,,,,Holly