Hi all! I am new so please bear with me as I tell you my story.

My H and I have been married 3 years this past January. Last week I found out that he was having an online 'affair'. I actually discovered it by accident. When I did find out I did some pretty stupid things. I got online and chatted with her like I was my H. I justify that to myself by saying it was to find out exactly where this relationship was. I also downloaded spector on our computer. This too has been useful!
Now from what I understand is that there has been nothing physical and they hadn't even met. They had however planned on meeting this past Tuesday. I caught on before that could take place.
My H says the reason why he did it is because he feels that I am with him just for the fact of being married and all the things that come along with it. He says I have no goals and no ambitions and that I am not being an equal partner to him because I don't make as much money as he does. He also says I don't take any interest in the things he likes. He also says I am not meeting his needs sexually too.
Now granted I don't have many goals right now being that my husband is in the military and I never know one minute from the next whats happening. But I do want the normal things in life. As far as the interests are concerned, He doesn't take any interest in the things I like either. Now I have sat many nights on the sofa watching footballs games with him and faking an interest when I would much rather be doing something else. Same goes for when he wants to play video games and such. Now when I ask him to do something with me he claims its stupid or he doesn't have the time.
Anyways I was so ready to leave him when I found out because I believe that you do it once you'll most likely do it again. But he begged me to stay and said that he would never talk to this girl again. He even sat down with me in the room and told her that they wouldn't be able to talk anymore. Since then he hasn't that I know of. I asked him to go to counseling with me but he says that its just a waste of time. I am starting to wonder though does he really want me to stay. For the past 2 days when he comes home for lunch he runs straight to the computer to play games. When he comes home at the end of his day, he eats then runs straight to the computer. Hardly speaks to me at all. Then today of all days he didn't even come home for lunch and didn't even call. I don't know what to think. I just really don't know what to do.

I am sorry for rambling on like this but it helps when I sit and type.

Thanks,
Amy

Amy --

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry for what has brought you here but glad you've found us. Sorry also that no one has responded to your post; holidays are often slow and erratic.

Just want you to know that someone is here listening to you. Please take some time to read as much as you can on this site, especially the articles that address your problems. Read "Are You New Here" on the Home page and definitely look at and even download the EN (Emotional Needs) Questionaire (also linked on the Home page).

Sounds like you two have major communication issues in that EN area. Make two copies, you complete one and ask H if he'll do one also. He may not, but at least you'll have some clear understanding of the areas that are causing your problems. Can you get into counseling? Together or just for you if H won't get involved. Find someone good in your area or use the Harleys right here on this site; don't just pick a name out of the phone book.

A marriage of three years is far too young to be having these sorts of problems, not that it's acceptable or easier in long-term relationships. H sounds very immature and selfish. Spending time with computer games and ignoring you is unconscionable, but it's all part of the picture of your marriage. You guys need some big-time help to get this thing working right. Good news: it's doable, but H has got to want to; it can't be a one-sided recovery.

Sounds as if you've already made some compromises and H hasn't reciprocated = one-sided. You need to sit down with H, gently tell him how unhappy you are, how unfulfilled, how troubled with the way things are going between you two. He's made some good and pro-active gestures to extricate himself from this "involvement" with OW. Let's hope he can hold to them.

You post here anytime you'd like; that's what we're here for. Ramble away; just the act of typing is helpful and cathartic. Let us help you through this, Amy...you're not alone. Get to work on those Questionaires (check them all out) and get back to us. We're here for you...

Ammon

Amy,

How are you doing? What have you read from this site? Books, questionnaire, etc.????

L.

Amy,
Welcome and want to let you know you are not alone. Your H sounds alot like me. I am in the military and I have done the 'cyber sex' thing too. It was a release of cheating but not really cheating. I lost touch of what was importent with my family life. My W and I stopped talking and listening to each other. Because of that and my low self esteem I went astray. There are several things I could have done to stop and change the road that I went down, but hindsight is 20/20. My W and I are still sorting out all the lies and trying to put things back on track.

There is a huge communication problem between you two. He sounds like the lower he makes you feel the better he feels about himself and his actions. He is just giving himself an excuse to do the things he is doing right now. Trying to justify them. Now that you know the both of you need to sit down and talk, and I mean really talk about your lives. The Emotional Need questionary is very helpful and my W purchased the books and they are very helpful. I have also read part of them and they have help tremendously. But for you to work this out your H must be willing to work it out with you. No one can do it alone, it is a joint effort.

Want to also let you know to come here anytime you need help or have a question, I do daily to see what everyone is talking about and this is the first time I have actually left a post like this. Hope it helps and take care of yourself.

Heller

Thank you all for responding to my post. I am sorry that I haven't gotten back on here sooner.
However I do have a good excuse.

An update: A few days ago I found out that my H tried contacting that woman again. He was also trying to contact others but with no responses. (I honestly can say I thought that was amusing) I did confront him about it and he lost his cool and started yelling at me and saying things like 'I don't go following you around and watching every move you make' I just said 'Because I have never given you a reason to.' Then I told him that I was thinking of leaving him for a little while just to think things out. He had a different plan.
He went to work the next day and talked with a sgt. friend of his. He told him that he was thinking about getting a divorce. Luckily that sgt. is also a friend of mine and is also married. He basically told my H that alot of men go through this in a marriage. Marriage is a hard concept for most men but you are either a strong man or a weak man. The sgt. told him that he needed to get his priorities straight, find out if this OW is really worth losing 'me' over and the life we have together. The sgt. also told him some other things but that is just what the sgt. told me. He also told my H that he was going to get us in to see a counselor.
Well my H came home that night and at first we really didn't say much to one another. Finally I broke down and asked him what he wanted. I asked him if he was truly that unhappy with me, etc. It took a few minutes but he finally told me what him and his sgt. talked about. He gave me the line 'its not you, its me' but finished by saying that he wants us to work this out and that 'playing these games' is not worth the hurt it causes you (me).
So far things have been better. We have been talking more and discussing things more. I have also been off for the past few days so that may have something to do with it. I can't really be too positive right now. I need proof.

I will read some more articles on here and take that questionaire and see if my H will too.
Thank you again for letting me share.

Amy

I would also recommend the book "His needs, Her needs." You can get much of the info that is in the bood on this site, but It helped me ( and my W ) to read the book and discuss it together. It talks about in detail just what is happening to you and what to do about it.

As I say, it has made a world of difference to us. I hope things can work for you.

I would caution you about one thing. After talking to his friend, your H seems to be wanting to work on things. Sometimes they regress. If he gets angry and starts acusing you again, just be nice until you can learn what to do. Keep on saying that you love him and want to make things work. It sounds like you caught things in an early stage, you have a very good chance to fix this.

SS

<small>[ February 21, 2003, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>