I have read all that I can on resentment after an affair. My H and I went out for Valentines last night and had a really nice time. however, when we first arrived, my H suggested we go to a restaurant that he had taken his girlfriend to. No- we didn't go there! then, On the way home, we were at a stop light and I noticed the restaurant that we had gone to Two years ago on Christmas. the problem was that he had taken his girlfriend to the same restaurant this christmas. It put a damper on the evening and I called my H a not so nice name. My H and I have been seperated for three months but he is moving back in next week. I realize a huge problem for me is and always has been resentment. I used to express myself in marriage but then learned to be quiet because it didn't do any good anyway. I resent the treatment of me and the children for the past 11 years, and if you add the girlfriend to the equation, I'm wondering if I'm ever going to really be able to "drop it." the worst thing is that I'm a really nice person and I hate this side of me but I'm tired of always feeling like my concerns or emotions are swept under the rug. My H didn't say much when I called him the name, but he has mentioned over the past few weeks that I can take a perfectly good moment and ruin it. I can honestly say that when the past comes up, I really hate him and how I've let myself be treated. Any suggestions for letting go of this? I've talked to my priest and he says to pray for guidance and look for the good in my H but I'll admit it's hard.

Toodles,

Wish i could add some advice, but i can't b/c i'm feeling the same way as you. Now, i THINK and HOPE it's b/c i'm still new at this...only 6 wks past D-Day...but i too can take a special moment and ruin it w/resentment. Your advice must come in seminary training, for i rec'd the same from my priest, and i DO pray but for example, yesterday H gave me a dozen roses and a beautiful card that said ....."I'm so glad we are together" and being a man who often finds it diff to express feelings, i knew he bought that after reading many b/c he wanted it to say what he needed to say. BUT, my thoughts IMMEDIATLEY went to last Valentine's when he bought the roses the night before, along with a so-so card with the excuse he didn't know what he'd be doing the next day, he had several things to do at one of our businesses....yea, right....NOW i KNOW what HE did. So, then i HAD to ask him, IF HE READ THE CARD, and did he mean it. blew what could have been a positive in our recovery.

so, let's just keep trying, Toodles, and wait for advice from those here who have gone before us and are wise from experience.

i'll keep you in my prayers.

Simmy

Try reading "The Art of Forgiveness", by Smedes. The other thing is to work on making the The Policy of Joint Agreement part of your normal relationship w/ your H. As you see he is taking your feelings into account, your resentment will fade.

Toodles,,,,I used to have a huge amount of resentment too, and one of the things I resented was that I now had to worry about this RESENTMENT,,,SH says that if you follow the plans and the steps, resentment will pretty much slide away in most cases,,,I would watch your love busters (and I called my H a not so nice name), as the more of them you offer him, the less he will want to love you,,,vicious circle that,, and try the POJA as John suggested,,,YOU should ALSO have been totally enthusiastic with where you were going to dinner. It should NOT have been his choice, and then the only choice YOU had was to complain,,,,,he should have said,,,,I'd like to take you to dinner at _______,,,,,how do you feel about that? To which you would have responded,,,,I'm not enthusiastic about that, will you negotiate with me? THEN BRAINSTORM ideas until you came up with one you would BOTH be thrilled with. Best of luck,,,,Holly

I want to thank all of you for your words of wisdom and compassion. Simmy, I'm sorry that we have to experience this at all and I find myself wondering if marriage is really supposed to be this hard. I often sit and wonder that if I would have been more level headed when I got married then I probably would not have even ended up with my H. oh well, that's not the case.
John and Holly, I will definitely take you up on your advice(I swear- I've spent more money on books these past few months than I have in a long time). My question for you is when using the POJA, what do you do when you and your H are on opposite sides of the spectrum and don't agree on a subject at all? I would love to use this but my H is pretty controlling and always manages to turn things around on me by saying things like "that's not a logical decision" OR "that's a pretty silly request". Even when I assert that it's because it's my want, he still tries to talk me out of something.
I do appreciate all your help and I'm sorry that you've all had to learn through experience as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My question for you is when using the POJA, what do you do when you and your H are on opposite sides of the spectrum and don't agree on a subject at all? I would love to use this but my H is pretty controlling and always manages to turn things around on me by saying things like "that's not a logical decision" OR "that's a pretty silly request". Even when I assert that it's because it's my want, he still tries to talk me out of something.
[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AHHHHH,,,,do you KNOW what you do if you can't come up with something that is MUTUALLY ENTHUSIASTIC?? you do NOTHING,,,it's a pretty good way to make both parties willing to negotiate,,,I suggest the book Give and Take by Dr Harley (IM a Harley groupie, I'm sorry, but this has worked miracles in my life in a month and a half) PLUSSSSS,,,,telling you you are not logical or silly are DISRESPECTFUL JUDGEMENTS, and guess what?? THEY ARENT ALLOWED! he should say,,,honey, im not enthusiastic about that,, will you negotiate with me?? There is a link on here on how to POJA with very incompatible people,,,people who's ideas would be at the opposite end of the spectrum from eachother,,,ill have to find it and try and post it for you,,watch for it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Holly

sigh,,,,,,HOW do you put a link in here? does anyone have an idea???

<small>[ February 17, 2003, 03:11 AM: Message edited by: HeartHealing ]</small>

holly,
thanks again for the great advice- you really are on top of this stuff. It's funny but after I posted yesterday my H and I sat down and came up with some guidelines for him to move back in this weekend. One of the guidelines I wanted was seperate beds for the time being. I still have vivid images in my mind of his PA(It's been less than a mmonth since I found out). My H voiced his unhappiness that I would not have sexual contact. I "negotiated" and offered some other form of physical gratification to which my H replied that he could not guarantee that he wouldn't find gratification elsewhere. I then replied that he shouldn't be moving back in then. Two months ago I wasn't even willing to try but I am now. He also told me that he didn't feel I was making an honest effort. I asked him to come over and watch movies that night- he did and I made an effort to sit next to him, hold his hand and talk with him. When it came time for him to leave, it was snowing very badly and I asked him to stay the night. I was not indicating sex, just stay and get a good nights sleep and stay safe. Well, he left. I called him to make sure that he got home ok and I let him know that I was hurt that he didn't stay. I told him I had tried to make a visible effort and was turned down. I also used a LB and said that it hurt me that his girlfriend asked him to sleep over on xmas and he did but he didn't stay here. He told me that it was too much of a hassle to stay here and go back to his apartment in the morning. I believe the truth is that without the offer of sex, he really didn't have an interest. Question, H is 34 and wants sex everyday. Do you think there could be a sexual problem, because I can't keep up with him and I'm supposed to be in my sexual prime? thanks for even reading this.
How are things going with you?
toodles