This is hard. I had a major set back today with my W. I had tried my best to be honest and I seem to revert back to my lying ways. Even though they are small lies, it still kills any chance I have to rebuild with her.

I love my wife, she is the most amazing person I have ever known. She strong, passionate, loving and I will never understand what she sees in me. I have never deserved her nor do I think I ever will. But I do not want to give up. I am to the point that I am wore out and lost.

She spoke to my sister today and told her that I had an A. I was not ready for my family to be an active part of our rebuilding process. They can do more damage, and believe me they will, then good. They have never really been that much of an active part of our lives, but I am afraid now with the knowledge of this that they will be jumping in more from time to time. I really wish we could have kept them out of this while we worked it out. But it is to late for that and that is just another part of my life that I screwed up that I need to stand up and take credit for.

What else can I do? I have tried to be there, listen to her, be more compassionate and loving. Do special things for her without her knowledge. I am scared because we had a fight the other night and I blew up and was ready to walk. I hung up the phone and after a few minutes of calming down I told her I was sorry and I wanted to talk to her again. I seem to be doing more damage then good.

I do not want to lose her, and I want to find myself at the same time. I have a terrible time recognizing the man staring back at me in the mirror everyday.

heller...are you back in the states and home with your W now?

Those "little" lies are doing so much damage, they not only tear down everything you've rebuilt, but erode the foundation. You've got to stop! IF there is ANYTHING...tell her! IF she asks a question you really just hate to answer...be honest anyway! These lies may well doom you if you don't.

While it's very difficult for the WS if the BS chooses to share information with a third party, family member, when the WS hasn't agreed...as you said, too late now to stop it. Have you talked to your sis and asked her not to share this private matter with the rest of the family?

IF...your family gets into the middle of this on either side...you've got a problem. You and your W may need to tell them that you want their support from the sidelines, not in the middle of your marriage.

How do you see this fact becoming a real added problem? Will they stand by you and your W, by only you, by only your W? What do you believe is the likely outcome?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...a fight the other night and I blew up and was ready to walk. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this is true...you have yet to make a commitment to the marriage and your W. There are times when commitment is the only thing which holds a marriage together. You get all thoughts of "walking" out of your head! As long as you keep that thought even in the smallest corner of your mind, you're W will know you're not committed...therefore why should she be?

It doesn't sound as if your home yet, when are you going to be able to come back to the states?

As I said in my earlier post to you, if at all possible see if she'll just go into "wait and see" mode until you two can get face to face. Ask her to seek out some counseling for herself...she's hurting and she needs the support, which may be why she's told your sister. If she has someone (professional) to talk to it might really help.

Refer her back here. You said she's posted before, ask her to come again and see if we can give her some answers to some of what she is feeling.

Good Luck!

JAW 2002,
Thanks for all the insight and help the past few months. As of right now I am not back home. I should be there in a week or so. It has been difficulte being so far from fom. When I was told about my sis knowing, I am positive the rest of my family will know within the next day or so. It has been seen that my family likes to be in the middle of it and if there is not a feud going on they are not happy. I was hoping that we would have been able to work this out before they knew. Oh well.

I am commited to working this out with my W. I am just tired of being away from her. I have tried to get her to talk to people (professional) but I think she is willing to wait until I get home so I can start with her.

heller...I sure hope you get home, as that is where you need to be right now. Will you be able to stay home for an extended period once you get there?

Good luck on the family issue, really depends how it plays out if it really hinders the healing or not. Sometimes family can surprise us, hope this will happen in this case. If not, you may have to really cut contact with family until you and W get some of the recovery in place.

Good Luck! Safe trip home!

years ago our minister instilled in ME -you are not committing to a person- you are committing to an ideal-MARRIAGE is not a person-you fall in and out of like/love almost daily at some points-you have to be ready for that and deal with it- you have to be committed to the institution of marriage itself-apart from the personal choice of the person you are marrying- its a tough tough road sometimes ain't it?????? I think my WH missed that class...........LOL and I really don't think even after ''all these years'' he has any idea how loyal his wife is.......so-here's to hoping!

Ruth...I think your minister should be given a "gold star"! So often it is the commitment we make which gets us through those hard times which every relationship/life must deal with.

Good Luck on your healing path!

Thanks for all the encouraging words. Right now W wants to break contact for awhile so I can have time to myself and think of what I want in this life. I have assured her that I want this marriage and that I want her. But with everything that has happened she still thinks that I do not love her and that I do not want to be with her and our D. We speek everyday and I really look forward to our time on the phone and now she might take that away because she thinks I am not commited to this relationship. As hard as I try she still will not believe me for some time to come. I perfectly understand that. And I do not blame her in any way. This is something I have done and created and I am trying to repair it and start healing the hurt that I caused.

I hope to be home in the next week so we can talk face to face. I miss her and I miss being around and near her. I am so scared that she is so close to leaving me and I am trying to do everything I can so that we can be together again.

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: Heller ]</small>

Heller...if W again talks about you "being on your own" for a while...how about telling her that you will abide by her wishes, but that you want her to know what you would like to do...stay at home with her and work through all this WITH her. You think/feel that you have the best chance of showing her just how committed you are to her and the family and marriage by daily facing whatever happens and making any necessary changes to show her that she is the one you love and you are exactly where you want to be...with her and DD. Maybe, if you express willingness to do what she thinks she wants/you need, yet also seeing what you think you want and need, that she'll at least give it a shot.

If after doing some counseling and some face to face, she still feels that you need some time alone...then maybe you do.

Good Luck!

Had anohter major set back today. My W has a secreat email that I used to use and today she received information in it about a dating.com post that I put up 8 to 9 months ago while I was with the OW. I have to admit I forgot all about it and today she found it. Now she thinks that I lied to her about it and that I was with more women then I have told her about. I do try to remember eveything that I did and I am very ashamed of the things I have done. Every day I try to leave the past behind and move forward only to have it slammed in my face again because I forgot to inform her of something. She is so close to leaving I do not know what else to do. I am really trying to tell her everything and to let her vent on me and all. But there seems to be little things that keep coming up that I did not remember doing let alone tell her about it. It is all so frustrating.

I know she hates me and that when she finds any little thing out, it pulls her that much more away. I still have no clue when I will be going home or what to expect when I get there, but I just want to be with her and I want to love her the way she deserves to be loved. But only if she is willing to let me.

heller...you're right, these "facts" coming to light over and over again are impeding any recovery. She is NOT going to believe you're telling the truth until these facts are reveiled by YOU. You're digging the grave for the marriage you want. While I understand that you may truly not remember everything you did during this time, you've got to get your act together.

I really don't know what to tell you on how to go about doing it. Maybe sit yourself down and go over that period of time and write everything you can remember down. Maybe it will spark some memory you've forgotten. I really do believe that the WS try very hard to forget...but right now...you've got to remember. You just have to!

You're W is being destroyed by this new information coming to light every few days or so. She's becoming someone she doesn't even know and it's not a secure person. Each time she holds out the hope that you've been open and honest and then something new comes out, her belief in herself and in you suffers.

Do whatever you have to do to get your facts straight and to come clean....if you don't...you'll more then likely fail to rebuild your marriage. Sorry, but honesty has to come back home before your marriage has a hope of rebuilding.

Good Luck!

Please be honest. That is what I am on here for. I need the advise of people that have been through this and have a clue on what I might need to do. I told my W that I am going to make a huge effort and remember every detail I can. It might not be pretty, but I am all for trying to rebuild the marriage that I have destroyed by my actions. I care for her so much that I do not mind at all doing this. I am still afraid that we may be beyond hope soon if I do not make it home soon. I am still in limbo on the exact date that I moght be able to come home. It just makes this that much more difficult.

She seems to still have her good days and bad days. I try to have a thick skin but at times I find myself hold back the urge to stand up for myself. Then I try to relize that she has every right to be mad, hurt, and angry. But now I seem to be harder on myself then she is. An dthis makes me depressed and more sad. I do not want to sway from the important issues, but sometimes it is very difficult. I sent her an apology and a love contract last week in hopes that she will read them and see what I truly want in this relationship. Now that everything is gone, I look back and see things were never as bad as I made them out to be. i convienced myself that I was not happy and that I was not importent in this relationship. I was so wrong and I am trying to do the right thing, just sometimes the right thing is not the easiest thing to do.

Wanted to leave an update. The W and I are still talking and trying as we can to move forward even with the distance between us. We had a LONG discussion last night about me trying harder and getting more involved with our lives. I am doing that more and more everyday. Today I started to write down everyhting that I can remember that I did during the A no matter how small they may be. I feel so ashamed about the things I did and what I have and am putting her through. I wish I was home so we could just start again and move forward.

She had a terrible week with the house and our D. The baby broke here big toe earlier this week, the dog cut open her paw and bleed everywhere in the house and then we find out that she may have cancer and might need to be out to sleep (the dog of course, not the W). It is times like this that I should be home to give her a breather and let her know that I see and appreciate EVERYTHING she does everyday. I am getting very depressed about not being with her and not putting in my share of the responsibilities.

She told me today that I act like I did nothing wrong and that things will be better then ever. I told her that I am not sure exactly how things are going to turn out, but I do have hope of how I want things to be like. I do not know if that helped matters or made them worse, we shall see. I beat myself up everyday and I try not to act depressed around her. I do not want to sound like a baby when it is her that was hurt and lied to. I have no right to be the hurting party here.

I am praying really hard that you're able to go home soon. I can't imagine the hardship this is on both of you right now. Distance is not a good thing. Hard enough to deal with when things are going well in a marriage, when there is trouble it is compounded.

It's nice that you realize just how hard her life is when you're gone, she's an instant single parent, no one to share the daily load with.

Glad you tried writing things down, have you had to go back and add in small things you've remembered after beginning this list? It is stunning what we can forget when we really want to do so. But, it's also amazing what we remember when we take off the self-blinders. Good for YOU!

It's good to know that you and W are still talking. Yes, you are BOTH hurt, and yes, you're right ...at this time, you must allow her hurt to come before yours. Not that you're huring is any less then hers, but just that her need is greater right now. Don't beat yourself up, that's not helpful...just continue to let her know that you want to be with her in all ways, mind, spirit, body and soul. That you are committed to rebuilding her trust and faith in you, that you are committed to being her mate and friend and lover.

Good Luck!

Hello all. Wanted to take a few minutes and leave everyone that has been following my W's and my recovery an update. I have finally made it home and I have been with the family for about a month. My W and I are now seeing a MC and rebuilding our trust as well as healing the hurt. There are good days and bad days but that is to be expected. There are times when everything is perfect, and then a certain song or seeing two people together might trigger the thought of the A for her. I try to talk and listen to her and it seems to be helping.

I am doing more around the house and with the family and it seems to be working. We have not had an argument for awhile and the OW has stopped trying to contact us and stopped mailing letters to my W. We have purchased books over the internet on the subject of recovery and the best one that we found was After the Affair. It seems to match everything she as the victom has gone through and still is going through. We read it together (she reads a few pages and I read the same so we are constantly together in this). I never relized how much I missed her and how much I need this family. I am enjoying it more then she relizes it no matter how busy I am or how much she THINKS I complain. I will get on and leave updates periodically. Thanks again for all the help. By no means are we healed and I have not forgiven myself for my actions, but we are moving forward and it is the beginning again.