Tj1016 --
"What's the first step in moving on?" -- You've already taken it: you're a new and valued member of our family! Welcome to MB. You've come to a very good place, filled with lots of wisdom and support and helpful perspective. Read "Are You New Here?" on the Home page and as many of the articles about A's as you can digest. You might want to get SAA (Surviving An Affair) and HNHN (His Needs, Her Needs), available also on the site. This isn't a commercial but merely a gentle suggestion; they're both wonderful books.
Sounds as if H and you can make this all work out. You aren't too sure today if that will happen (at D-Day minus 3 days, you're still in shock!) but if you two are committed and are willing to work, you can find the ways to analyze and solve the problems. Won't be quick or easy, but it CAN be done. How much do both of you want to stabilize and improve your marriage?
H loves you and wants the marriage to work = both tremendously important first steps. Yes, he should have thought of those things before the A, but that didn't happen. So you both take today and work for tomorrow. Another step for you two is counseling. Find someone good in your area or use the Harleys right here at MB. This is too big a job with too many possibilites for missteps to try it as a "do it yourself" project. We'll help you all we can but professional guidance is a must as well, IMO.
Do you have children? Ages (you and them)? How long married? Anything you feel comfortable telling us will help us to focus our thoughts.
This pain is all too new in your life and you've got to be hurting a lot. I'm sorry for that pain. Post here as often as you want to and need to; you can't wear out your welcome! Typing is cathartic! Also, realize that post-A recovery is a long, slow, involved process with guaranteed ups-and-downs. You have to hang in and keep your eye on the long-term goals. Daily roller-coasters are common.
Back to the question: How much do both of you want this marriage? Not the way it was--you really don't want that (look at what happened with H)--but better, more solid, more rewarding and fulfilling. If you want it, you can have it! Give yourself room to recover. Give yourself time to heal from the hurt and the pain of this betrayal. Realize that you've been wounded severely in an immensely devistating act of unfaithfulness. You will need time and patience for your wounds to heal. Feel them, deal with them, heal them (just found that in a book I'm reading and it seemed a propos).
Hang in there, TJ, and know that we're here for you...
Ammon
