Will the lies ever end? My H, two months after D-day is still lying. I can't take it anymore. I found out last night that he has been playing his mother and I against eachother for years. We have never gotten along, and his sister told me that he was saying horrible things about me to his mother, and that is why she doesn't like me. So, I called my H and confronted him about it, and he denied everything and said we were all going to sit down and have a big conversation abot it when he gets home. I continued on with my life and this morning I get a phone call from my Mother-in-law, who hates me so much, that she has yet to see our two year old, because supposedly, it is my child and she wants nothing to do with her; long story short, the woman wants me to come visit for as long as I like. WHAT IS GOING ON!

My H is telling me lies, and now the MIL thing. I am really ready to RUN as fast as I can.
I love my H very much, and i want to work things out with him, but the lying is getting in the way. He swears that he is not seeing anyone else, but how can I believe him when I continuously catch him is lies. I just don't see how this is going to work unless he grows up real fast and starts acting like a man should. He lies more than any child I have ever seen. Does anyone know why some people feel the need to lie about everything?

I had asked him to write his apology to me instead of telling me. He agreed, and said he sent it (two months ago) and it never came, now he claims he sent another which has not shown up. I asked him about it last night and he confessed he did not send them.

Well, I guess I just answered my own riddle! If he cared and wnated to repair this marriage, he would not lie about sending a letter of apology. I guess I have been tricked again by the man who claims to love me so much. In all honesty, I guess he really is not committed to this marriage or me. If he was, I suppose he would try. Right?

At what point and I supposed to give up and walk away? When am I supposed to realize that he really does not love me? Or is there some trick that I am missing. I ask him all the time what I can do to fix this and all he ever tells me is that it is something he needs to do. Sould I just back of and let him come to me? Should I keep talking to him, and let him know that even though I am mad and hurt I am not going anywhere? Help! This is so much harder than I thought! Most of the time I just want to scream and cry, but that is not getting me far!

Sam...I'm so sorry this is happening...but sadly it's VERY normal for the WS to continue this path of lying...he's been doing it for awhile and hasn't quite got his mind around the fact that lies are no longer going to save his @$$.

As for MIL...personally, I think I'd take her up on her offer at least for a short stay (a weekend or so) she needs to connect with your sweet daughter...nothing melts the heart of a grandmother as those sweet grandbabies smiles. Plus, it's a chance to get to really know her and her you without anyone standing in the middle telling both of you what the other thinks. It really sounds as both you and MIL have been "sandbagged", time to clear up that little misunderstanding. If at the end of the short stay you discover that the two of you can't connect...at least it's REALLY between the two of you...but do what you can for your sweet baby can always use love from no matter what quarter it comes.

It's possible that this short separation from H will also impress on him, that while you want your marriage to get better, the lies are going to have to stop before this can happen.

Don't jump to the answer of your riddle...you might be wrong! Believe me, two months after d-day, is VERY early! You really haven't even begun healing or recovery, this takes a LOT of time. You're still in shock even if you don't know it. You're H is also running around trying to do damage control by old methods and he hasn't a clue that the old methods are more damaging then helpful. This takes TIME!!!

Neither of you know how to go about rebuilding all that has been torn asundered...no blueprints, lots of mistakes on both sides...take a deep breath...READ what is here on site and expect this to be a long process!

Good Luck!

Ditto everything JAW said,,,,with one addition,,,,,I would spend the weekend with my MIL having some very heartfelt talks,,,,on (let's say) Sunday night, I would have my husband over and sit down and talk together,,,,by that time you should have an idea what caused this about face on her part,,,,,it's going to be harder to LIE if he has BOTH objects of his lies sitting in front of him,,,,Goodluck,,,,Holly

Things are still a wreck! I keep thinking I have all of the information, and I don't. Something comes up and I find out that my H is still not being honest. He then tells me "Oh I forgot about that."

I really can't take it anymore. He begs me to give the M a chance, and I beg him for the truth. The bottom line is that I am not getting the truth from him. Should I go to plan B? Should I walk away for a while until he is ready to tell the whole truth? He is still lying about stupid things. I mean really, what is the difference if it is one OW or ten? It still hurts the same right? I cannot understand why he just won't tell me the rest.

Does anyone have any thought? He says sometimes that he is trying to protect me. In reality he is doing nothing but pushing me away and I have told him this, but he still won't tell the whole truth. I am really ready to give up. As usual, I feel like I am more comitted to this relationship than he is. There is only so much I can over look. I love him ,and I would like to try to work this out, but if he doesn't stop lying, I am afraid i will have to leave for good.

Your H has yet to learn the most important lesson he has to learn: That the truth is his most powerful weapon in reclaiming his marriage.

Sadly what you are dealing with is NOT unusual. Most WS will continue to lie about details and just about anything else they think they can get by with for some period of time after d-day. They do this for three main reasons:

1. They really do have a misguided sense that they are protecting their spouse from further pain.

2. They are protecting their own @$$ from the added anger and sorrow their spouse will feel when the truth comes out.

3. They really hope and pray not to have to be honest about EVERYTHING! They don't want to "pay the bill" nor face the fact that they were such fools to risk everything of real importance for something they then turn their backs on the minute it becomes difficult.

No, this is way too early for any type of Plan B as outlined here. Plan B is to be used if the affair is on-going and you have tried Plan A for as long as you can. This is NOT your case. You're H's affair is over. (right?) He is saying he wants the marriage.

BUT...he does have to get on board with the "honesty comes first" before any firm decisions are made to continue the marriage. Give him a little time to get this through his hard head. It does take some doing in 99% of the cases of betrayal. Do NOT accept his lies, don't downplay them, make him face each one...try to do so in a safe environment so that he feels he can be honest. (HARD to do when he's still lying...but try.)

The statement "Oh, I forgot"...may well be full of crap, but it might also be correct depending on what he "forgot". The WS tries very hard to forget his past mistakes, errors in judgement and plain ole stupidity. He is NOT wanting to remember.

IF...you feel you've reached a point where you need to distance yourself from your H...then do what you feel is right. You do have to do what you feel is right for you and your child. If that means a separation until he either "grows up" (your discription) or you decide he never will...then that's fine and you do what you have to do.

None of us know nearly enough on your situation to tell you to go or stay. You must make that call. I think you're smart enough to figure it out for yourself. And we'll support your decision, whatever it might be.

Good Luck!

Samiace........ The trick u are missing is giving it to God......... My MIL and I seem to get a long pretty well........but she told me her son was an habitual liar after, she found out we were married(long story) I did not intend that to happen, he lied even about her knowing and coming to the wedding....something happened afterward and I mentioned something about marriage and that is when she told me she didnt know..... as for the lying......... you will find out some interesting things about how that starts if you do some research on lying...... it starts when they are babies........ and the relationship he has with his mom has much to do with it...... or at least the one he has with her now......so that may be your H problem........ if u love him, pray for him, that he will want to change and God will do it for you........ keep on being a good wife...... i amnot sure what kind of MIL doesn't want to see her grand child ..........but if she wants u to come now she must be changing and ready to reveal something about her son........

I have had another bad day/ week. I am growing so tired of my H. I really have no patients for him. This week alone has been horrible. My dog cut her paw open, and while the vet was examining her, she found that the dog has cancer. Then my D broke her toe, and as if that was not enough, the basement flooded. My H and I had a long discussion during which I told him I could not keep up this pace. He still is not home, and there is no date in sight. So I told him that I had gotten to the point where I could not go on with this marriage.

He was upset and said he would work harder and make me feel like he was truly interested in what was going on here. (This is my main complaint) But he is no closer to doing that. Our life has always been about what is best for him. He goes to the gym for 2-3 hours a day, naps whenever he gets the chance, plays computer games for hours and watches more sports than humanly possible. When he is in the country and not off playing GI Joe.

I on the other hand, stopped working out while I was pregnant, and never have had the chance to go back. H is not supportive of me having a life. While he claims to be, and constantly tells me to go and do things, when I do he calls and requests that I come back, or gives me a major guilt trip when I return. I spend my days dealing with anything and everything that you can imagine, and after this week, I have realized that I could really lighten my load if he was not around.

Today I called him to talk. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and to hear him say it back, instead I got a sleepy H who wanted to go back to sleep. It was 8am his time and he had been sleeping for at least 8 hours that I know of. I had called him at midnight his time to update him on the baby's visit with the doc and he was headed for bed. His activities consist of the gym for 2-3 hours, work for 5-6 hours, TV, internet and bed. He eats out everyday, every meal, and has relatively no cleaning. I pay all of the bills, and do everything but wipe his butt for him, so why when I call at a decent time to talk after he has had 8 hours of sleep do I get blown off?

I went to bed at 2 am last night, was up at 7, picked up x-rays at 8:30, was at our D's doctors appointment by 9 and home to update him by 10, so why if I do more before he even gets out of bed, can't he show me the common courtesy of talking to me?

I really believe that he is not committed to this marriage, at least not at the level that I have always been at. His excuses for cheating, were that I did not want to have sex as much (mind you he would make faces when I was naked after the baby was born and complained about my weight. I am not fat.). and that he thought I did not love him anymore. The reality of our marriage is that if you look at everything that went on, I should have been the one to cheat. He even admits this. So why if he is so sorry for everything and wants so badly to work it out, is he still the same selfish jerk he has always been? Granted he helps a little more than he did, he still disregards my feelings on a daily basis.

Hi Sam,

I have felt the same way you have. First and foremost, take care of yourself. You cannot continue with these type of of hours long term. I hope the hours you recently described was an isolated event. I know, I used to keep the same type of hours.

Get up at 5am, do a load of laundry, wash some dishes, get kids up for school, go to work, pick up kids, come home, make dinner, do dishes, clean house, pay bills, more laundry, kids baths, etc., etc, etc. And where was H during all of this? I had no idea. I decided to go back to school. H is some better.

I had to start letting stuff go. I had to accept I am not "superwoman" You will burn yourself out if you don't start letting things go. I started with not cleaning up behind H. He knows where the laundry basket is, if he wants his clothes washed by me, he will put them in the basket. I also said many times, I cannot do this, and I didn't.

When I did leave, I did not answer my phone. I made myself unavailable. H used to call me at work on Saterdays for the dumbest stuff. Once, he called to have my talk to our oldest who at the time was about 3 because he "pee'd" on his brother. When I asked him about it, he said, "mom, I didn't mean too, he was trying to use the potty, I had to go, and it was standing straight up". My coworkers overheard my part of the conversation, and no one got any work done for about 20 minutes, but we did have a few people rolling with laughter on the floors. I sitll find this one amusing. It is an exampel how how he could not cope, and wanted me to come home. I refused. I felt that H is a "big boy" and if he cannot cope with a 3 & 2 year old sons, then he has no business being a father.

H, sometimes still tries to get me to feel guilty about not being home. I refuse to feel guilty, because I know, in my heart, I am doing the best I can do for my children. Many of men before him has taken care of their children, and many of men after him will take care of their children. So, what is his excuse. There is plenty of single dads out there that are managing just fine, so he can manage for a few hours.