I am not positive my husband has had affairs. I can't catch him. I know he is a womanizer who can't stop. To give you some background. Married 22 years. I remember coming home after my father's funeral 6 years ago and being surprised I had forgotten to check his voice mail.
Anyway, a year and a half ago I did find over 100 emails between him and a woman we works with. They ranged from sentimental to trash. One said, I was going to screw you till you screamed but your being a baby. Another asked if she would like to meet him for a birthday kiss. The later emails convinced me that they never got together and I studied them pretty closely. I thought we worked all of this out and he tells me how crazy he is about me almost everyday.
CURRENT:
My husband has a part-time job 1-2 nights a week at the radio station. I have just discovered that he has posted his profile on 4 dating sites. I have found his email address and it doesn't look like he is cooresponding with anyone but between August and now he has entered his profile on 4 sites. When two of the sites expired he entered himself again. This way he wouldn't be charged. I am at my wits end and I need some help because again I am smoking up a storm. I work at home and I am again so handicapped that I do not work but just stare at the computer screen and check his emails.
How do I get the disciple to get back to work?
He does not know I have discovered his profiles or emails. He does not go on these sites except for weekend nights when he is working.
I can't live a life like this.

Sandy --

No, you can't live a life like this; you don't want to and you shouldn't have to. Welcome to MB. Let's see if we can get you some help with this.

In a sense, whether or not H is having an A is not so much the issue as what he's doing to you and to your marriage. If an A is happening, that's just another indictment of his continuing poor choices. The bottom line: you have to communicate your feelings to your H and he has to stop behaviors which are immensely harmful to your relationship. He needs to know (he does already but hasn't stopped) that you're not going to accept it any longer, effective immediately.

Just the fact that you're uncomfortable with what he's doing is enough reason for him to stop. Have you talked to him about this recently. Maybe you'd had it worked out in the past, but that agreement didn't last very long. What did he say before when you confronted him? He needs to know that you mean business this time--no third chances! Make certain that he understands that this is completely unacceptable to you (and to any healthy marriage).

If you confront him now (and you really need to), he's going to learn that you know about his profiles and emails. Your private knowledge allows you to keep an eye on him; once it's made known to him, if he wants to continues, he'll just change his emails. It's a trade-off but, as you've said, you can't go on living with his dishonesty and harmful acts.

I'm sorry for this in your life. Please post again and let us know what you've decided. Let us help you through this. We're here for you...

Ammon

Thanks Ammon
Your helping already but....I can't play can't and mouse anymore. I am too tired and losing too much money. If I tell him I know of his postings he will just find another way to deceive me. He will apoligize, geniunely feel bad and then he will do something else that hurts me. That email thing about over a year ago was not handled lightly. I told him often how much that hurt me.
Less than two months ago another cute co-worker innocently told him she had gotten great rates on a flight to Florida for herself and her daughter. He replied with, "Forgot to ask you what time your flight is." No, he has no intentions of going to Florida. He was just teasing her. I don't think this was necessary for someone that has already put their wife through hell.

Sandy --

His recent Florida bantering was not only unnecessary but foolish, immature, and harmful to your recovery. Seems he hasn't yet learned this very vital lesson. I'm glad to hear that you handled the earlier email incident strongly, but it didn't "take." H continues to undermine the stability of your marriage.

You're losing patience, sleep, money, and you're losing your marriage. When H apologizes for his behavior, does that discussion come with an understanding from you about boundaries and consequences? Have you stated clearly, "X is what will happen if this continues"? People tend not to change until they're forced to by the reality of consequences. When the old behaviors bring unwanted results, new behaviors often replace them--or should.

You have a resonsibility in this relationship to make absolutely certain that H knows what your personal boundaries are, what is acceptable and what isn't--for you. Once he knows--and you're positive that he knows--he has a choice. If he's smart, he'll stop and "reform." If he makes the wrong choice, then at least you will know a lot more about his level of commitment and dedication to you and to your marriage. Then you will have more information on which to base any decisions affecting your relationship. What's acceptable to you? How much are you willing to put up with? How long can this "cat and mouse game" continue?

Hang in there, Sandy. I don't know that I agree with your headline, "...can't get better." It can, but you can't do it all by yourself. H has not only got to want to, he has to get in there and do it. It's doable, but not by one...

Ammon

I asked him last night just in conversation if he wanted out of this marriage. He laughed and then answered with of course not, I don't know what I would do without you guys.
He still doesn't know I know about his date site sign ups. I think I will watch that weekend email for another weekend.
That is the thing....I always blow immediately and get an immediate apoligy.
I don't have much patiences for the date sites. He would have to be a very stupid person not to know that this would upset me greatly. He knows but I think he likes the deceipt part. He also likes attention, almost any kind of implied or obvious sexual bantering turns him on. I have not seen any one on one coorspondance on this email. That surprises me, almost like I am missing a piece of the puzzle.

Sandy --

Are you still around? Give us a quick post and let us know how you're doing.

Any new emails? What's going on with those missing puzzle pieces? Have you decided yet whether or not to disclose your dating sites info?

Hang in and remember that we're here for you.

Ammon