I recently discovered my wife's affair, and the daily pain is horrible. Adding to the hurtful feelings is the fact that my wife was carrying on this affair while I was in another state sitting with my terminally ill mother. I returned after my mother's death and discovered my wife's affair about one week later. I also discovered that she had become pregnant and gotten an abortion. I don't know if anyone out there has had a similar experience, but I sure could use some help or advice in dealing with this.

{{{{{Jjpop}}}}} I'm new here too, and I don't really have any advice, but I know John and Cerri are awesome.. You are at the right place.. I just want to tell you I'm so sorry. I understand the pain you are going through and what a deep pain it is.. Post often, ask lots of questions, Read Read Read..and take care of you. I'm sure John and Cerri will be with you shortly. Are you still living with her? Is the affair still going on? Kids involved? You have close family? I wish you all the best...

<small>[ February 19, 2003, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: 2boysmom ]</small>

I'm not so great, I just took the best ideas I saw and put them all in one place - it's pretty much the same message every time:

You can recover, and even have a great marriage. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%, providing you do three things:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) For me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

I am so sorry for you. I cannot imagine the pain you are in. Does your wife show great remorse for what she has done? What were her reasons? Do you wish to stay in the marriage? Does she wish to stay in the marriage? Are you both now in counseling? I can only imagine what a daze you must be in. I wish you luck.

She shows great remorse, admits that she made a horrible mistake, and is doing everything she can to make it up to me. We have decided to try to work things out, but no matter how sorry she says she is, I can't stop thinking about what she did and how incredibly inconsiderate and selfish it was. Yes, we have two young children. So does the man she cheated with. I still can't even imagine what kind of person would do this whlle her husband is out of town watching his mother die - and this is the woman I've been married to for fifteen years! I've lost so much respect for her.

I should also add that this was eight months ago. I posted it in the "just found out" forum because I wasn't sure where to put it. We have been to counseling, and it did help. In a way, however, I feel worse than I did eight months ago; I thought that I would have put this behind me by now, but it's still there every minute of every day; I'm reminded during every movie we see, song we hear, with every memory of my mother. I still lay awake at night thinking about it and wonder what she's up to while I'm at work each day. The fact that she has been so wonderful during the past eight months, yet I am still haunted by this, makes me believe that it will never go away. Pardon me for rambling.

Well, it takes time. But, the memories and triggers should be starting to diminish by now (though they do sort of cycle - one has good days and bad days - or weeks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). So: Have you read Survivng an Affair, or Torn Asunder, and worked a recovery plan similar to the ones described therein? How far along are you on the path to forgiveness? Do both of you know why she did it, and have those things changed?

Thanks for responding. She claims that she was manipulated into believing that our marriage was bad. She even used the word "brainwashed". She worked daily with this man for about five months in his home while his wife was at work. He gave her a ton of attention and told her everything she wanted to hear. Our marriage was good; she admits this. No, I have not forgiven her because I don't yet understand WHY this happened. Among the other gorey details: she kissed him in front of our children and told them not to tell me and she had sex with me while she knew he was pregnant with his baby. These details, along with the horrible timing have made forgiveness very difficult.

She kissed him in your home in front of your children and told them not to tell you? I can't comment on that because it makes me sick. It is so selfish and mean spirited to you. I do hope you have notified the OM's wife so she knows what a slime he is. The fact that your wife would been having sex with a man whose wife was pregnant is very sad and says a lot about her. I don't blame you for being disgusted.
The comment she made about being brainwashed does not hold. It is an attempt not to take responsbility for her actions and deflect it on someone or something else. Dragging your children into this is so far beyond the line.
You must be a very strong man to be able to accept this. It shows you what kind of a person you are and your wife is so very lucky you are still with her. Again I hope you contact the OM's wife. Good Luck.

Thanks again for responding. The night I found out I went to the other man's home and confronted him and told his wife. He denied everything and she believed him. I don't know what their situation is now, but I so badly want him to be punished. Just to clarify - MY wife had sex with
ME while she knew she (my wife) was pregnant with his child.

Thank you for clarifying this last point which of course makes it all the worse. You did all you could do by confronting the OM's wife. There is nothing more you could have done. It is not your fault that she wishes to be in denial. Your wife was having sex with you knowing she was pregnant with OM's wife? I don't know what to say. I am just so amazed. Clearly your wife did not have any respect toward you at all to at least protect her and your health. She could not even use protection. What if he had STD's. I think your wife is being so nice to you now because she knows most men would never have accepted such humiliation and disregard for you, your children and your marriage and would have divorced her. It just seemed that if your wife had devised a play to utterly destroy you and show you her utter contempt toward you then this would have been her plan.
I hope you are both in counseling. I don't know how it is possible for you to wish to stay married to her. I can only assume your love is so great for her that you are willing to look past it. I admire your strength but I don't believe she deserves you. She has got to be the luckiest woman in the world not to be thrown to the curb and divorced by now. By the way how did you find out. Was your wife at least honest about that?
I can't believe she would have an abortion without even telling you. I wish you luck because you certainly need it.

It is so hard to try to say something encouraging to someone that this is happening to.
It does not matter how long ago this has happened it will be with you for the rest of your life. My day I found out was Jan 14 2001, not even 1 month after my first granddaughter was buried. Not only was my heart allready ripped out what ever was left inside me was taken. I did survive with the help of friend and prayers. I still to this day hope that her life will someday be destroyed like mine was. Like you her husband thinks I am liar and a nut case and everything was a lie. Also we were all friends before this happened. The A lasted untill May of that year when i decided to take the kids and leave i was tired of the emotional rollar coaster ride. He broke off the relationship completly and she put in a transfer [oh yes we all worked at the same place!!!!] to a different area of the state. Enough of that,back to why i wanted to post.
There will be things happening in everyday life that will stir up those broken hearted feelings. The other night we were watching a movie and it came to the part that the husband had a girlfriend that he must have had when they where still married. Right away I became another person {I guess it could be called my evil twin] I wanted to punch my H in the face andthrow something through the tv. Instead I said either turn the channel or I am going to bed. He knew without me haveing to say a word what was wrong.
So another day and another reminder. My neighbor right out my window is haveing an A with a married man and this has been going on foryears. His wife thinks it is over with but it goes on. So another reminder is when I see his truck backed into the garage that sits not 6 ft from my window. NOt only can I hear it back in but my dog lets me know.... and you can bet that my H knows too!!!!!! It makes me sick. What suggestions does anyone have for the everyday reminders... I try to remind myself that he is here with me and not with her and that my life is the way it is because of her. I sometimes want to thank her because my H is a better person now. He treats me like a queen and treats the kids much nicer. But the ache stills comes and goes and the question of why will allways haunt me. One suggestion i can make to you and everyone else is to work on the forgivness of your spouse. Your heart will know when it is time for that. I can say that i have unconditional love for my H but I am still human. Oh yes I am still on Happy pills as I call them. They are helpful!

I found out the day of her abortion. I had suspicions (gut instinct I guess). I called the place where she said she was going (of course she wasn't there) and I checked the milage on her car before she left and after she returned. The milage was not enough for her to have gone where she said. I confronted her, and she told me the truth. So, my wife had an abortion and saw her marriage blow up all in one day, and you know what, I didn't feel sorry for her at all.

Oops.

<small>[ February 20, 2003, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

You are the only one who can make the decision as to what to do about your marriage. You are the only one who can determine whether your wife is shedding crocodile tears or is in true remorse. At least your wife didn't try to pretend that you were responsible for her pregnancy. Personally, I do not believe that adultery can be forgiven or forgotten. However, in spite of this one can still continue a marriage for the sake of the children.

I do believe her remorse is genuine. The night I agreed to attempt a reconciliation she sobbed in my arms all night telling me how sorry she was. Since then, she's been nothing short of wonderful.
It's like she became a different person last spring, like she lost her self-respect as well as her dignity and moral values. This is what I can't get over. I never thought she was a person capable of such selfishness and with such a lack of honor and human decency. Now that I know she is capable of this, I can't look at her the same way.

OK, lets recap my questions: Have you read Survivng an Affair, or Torn Asunder, and worked a recovery plan similar to the ones described therein? Well?

How far along are you on the path to forgiveness? Not very far, it seems. You might want to try reading "The Art of Forgiveness", by Smedes. Or, try Harley's method: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?. Their perspectives are quite different, and I prefer Smedes' viewpoint, but different strokes...

(A.) Do both of you know why she did it, and (B.) have those things changed?

No to part A, yes to part B, it seems. Well, part B is the more critical issue, but getting part A answered would offer you a modicum of comfort you don't have. Am I right in assuming you have not read either SAA or TA together? If not, do both. You will answer part A in the process.

As for your view of your wife changing: that's part of life. You are now dealing with reality. There is no guarantee that ANYONE will not cheat. None. If you have any thoughts about leaving your wife and starting over (don't we all?), how will you know the next wife won't do the same thing? Read around these boards. You will find people that were cheated on by previous spouses, and swore they would never do that to anyone, those who are deeply religious, those who had WONDERFUL spouses, and those who risked everything they claim to value, including their integrity, cheated.

My H has also been very supportive. I however, question his motive for staying. I am the better choice for him. Not just my opinion but, other peoples as well. Because, I am smarter, have goals and all the other good qualities that attracted him to me. Good luck to you and keep on fighting. God bless you!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />