Hello
Ow sent and email to hubbie today. Ow is very far away in Australia. Anyway she writes that she is coming to see him here for 10 days and she wont tell him when she is arriving. She asks if he was "****ting his pants". She has joked about coming before but this time I think she is serious. She says she has gone to a travel agent and I quote "Watch out because I could be there sooner than you think?" AHHHHHH what do I do. I have been in plan A for 7 weeks. I have confronted him about contact which he denies. Things have improved with us 100%. Oh my God. What is going to happen any advice

ask him to change his email account

if she's got his phone number (cell?) tell him to change that too.

how did you learn about this email? snooped or did he volunteer the info?

AHHHHH
I know the password to his email account. He says they dont have contact and yes she has his cell number but it is also his business cell phone. She doesnt know where we live but she knows where our dance studio is. Oh my god she is just going to show up. You see my husband is currently a cake eater. He makes me think all is great with us (although I know it isn't) and he stills writes her and tells her he loves her. They have never talked about meeting and any time she has brought it up he avoided the question like the plague. Well he is sure going to be stuck now if she just show up. We will see how he feels today after he reads that email! Ammon are you out there

same situation as mine back in april 02. I hacked into her email accounts, she said she is not in contact, despite me knowing better. I confront her, she would deny everything... only to re-open another email account and so on.
My track record on achieving No Contact isnt particularly good, however, what does work is a good plan A first, and then plan B. I'm just going ot plan B now, finally (I usually post on the other forum GQ2)
take care
N

Hurt --

Take a deep breath. Better yet, take two deep breaths. Good, now we're ready to tackle this latest development.

So she's coming all the way from Australia, eh? Don't bet the farm on it. Yes, it's possible, but not likely; she's just arrived there a couple of weeks ago, right?

H still doesn't know that you know. Maybe it's time to blow this thing out of the water. Maybe it's time that the two of you had a real meeting of the minds.

Sorry, but I don't agree at all that "things have improved 100%" between you; this little charade continues. Any improvement is illusional and based on purposeful misdirection and dishonesty. Who's fooling whom? H knows, you know, he doesn't know that you know, everyone is playing a deadly game = recipe for disaster!

If it ever comes to a visit from her at your home, you and H together, arms around each other, should meet her on the doorstep and in clear language that even this psycho can understand, H tells her to get out of his life and to stay out, that he has recommited to you and to your marriage, and that he never wants to see her or hear from her again. H kisses you, you smile lovingly into each other's eyes, step back, and gently close the door in her face. Message delivered!

But before all that can happen, he's got to read the email. Maybe that will break this logjam between you two. Ideally, he will "'fess up" that the contacts continue; this might scare him enough to unlock this deadlock. At the very least, the email provides you with an opportunity to "out" this cancer in your relationship. Yes, it will blow your cover, but maybe it's time... Do you want to keep living with this?

Hang in there and take still another deep breath. This could be the break in the impasse you've been wishing for. Remember that old "every problem comes to us with a gift in its hands" adage? What's the gift here?

Ammon

Thanks Ammon
Should I tell him that I know everything? or should I wait till he reads her email and see what his reaction is. She is really playing him as well. She never asks about me or nothing. She tries to find ways to get him to answer commitment questions without asking them. I think she is trying to scare him into telling her something by this email. I hope it does. He has to make a decision he has been cake eating to long now. She doesnt have our home address I think she may show up at our studio. And who knows when or what day! She is such a psycho. I cant wait till he reads her email!!!!!!

I feel your pain hurt , same thing happen to me , i knew his password and that's how i find out about it , i copy it call the ow (in my situation she didnt know he was married niether that we were expecting our first child ) and with prove in hand confront him with her .. in your situation i would do the same , you need to let him know that you know ,and what's up with you guys , you need to know where you stand on this situation .. i do feel what what you are going thru.. you are not alone

Hello
The OW knows me. I met her when my H and I were on vacation at a resort we used to work at. I tried to help her out and show her the ropes and make her feel comfortable. Little did I know that 6 months later she would try to steal my husband. She doesn't care and knows full well what she has gotten herself into. That is why she is pushing him now. I could feel sorry for her if she was clueless but she isnt and she is very vendictive. Well we will see what happens I guess. I guess he has to make a choice now!

jmho...You've waited this long...I'd wait at least a little longer. My thinking is that this is a good chance to see how he replies and what his actions are in the next few days.

I really doubt that she's actually coming...sounds more like fantasy is still in play, plus she is trying to push him into making a declaration which he has been avoiding as hard as he can without cutting off contact with her as he should be doing.

Now, if she is actually coming...then you definitely want to foward all emails to an email account that YOU set up for just this purpose, so that you can print them out and hand them to H...BEFORE she gets on any plane!

But really, this "relationship" now sounds like a teenagers playing at being adults. It's just so "out there". jmho

You stay strong!

Hurt --

We're checking up on you. What's happening on your end? Everything OK? Has the Fruitcake arrived?

Write us a line or two and let us know how you're doing. We need an update!

Ammon

Ammon
Hi. Thanks for all your support. I have been waiting to see what is going to happen. Basically this is how the story goes. She wrote him and email about having booked a trip to Canada. She asked if he "was ****ting his pants". She said she wanted to call him but it was too late and that she was not going to tell him when she was coming but to be careful because she could be here before he knew it. Hubby read this and did not respond. After a second email from her stating that "OHHHH you must not have read my email yet because for sure you would have written back by now". Hubby finally responds with "Yes I am ****ting my pants" I am busy I will write later". She responds again to this by saying "now do you believe me. I went into to travel agent and I said and date and it was on special so I said book it!the date has a seven in it". Again he read this and no response. This weekend he had his cell phone shut off and he was even not going to bring it when we went out. Strange as he never is without the cell phone. Since her last two emails he has not even opened his email or responded to her. She writes one more time. "I miss you" but I will see you soon. Now I think I have shocked the pants off you. They say vacationing in Canada is beautiful this time of year. I warned you I would get bored in Australia." So I dont know what to make of all this. He has been drinking a lot more than usual this weekend so I guess this is why. Anyway I am waiting to see what he says in response to her finally and then take it from there. I am scared. I know for me if she comes here and they are together again it will be over for us. So strange though cause everything we talk about together is about building our future. A new business, a trip etc etc. I am trying to stay calm but it is very difficult. I think I need to win an Oscar for "best actress" Anyway Ammon if you are out there I would appreciate your thoughts.

Ammon are you out there today?

Well I dont know what to make of it but psycho OW has not written since Saturday morning and it is now Tuesday---almost Wednesday for her. Either she is on a plane already or hubby talked to her on the phone and he told her not to come? I hope it is the latter. I dont know and I dont want to jump to conclusions but we had a great night last night. We had an appointment with our financial advisor to talk about our future. We then watched TV and laughed together. We wound up making love and he held me all night. Please God let this be over.

Hurt --

Sorry, but this "Certified Fruitcake" needs putting down once and for all. As long as he continues to string her along with "I am busy" and "I will write later," he keeps the embers warm.

He's got to be firm with her, unequivocal, no possibility for a misunderstanding. Neither of you wants that woman on the same continent, not to mention on your block! He's being far too gentle with her, leaving the door ajar; it needs to be slammed shut and padlocked!

Of course it's difficult for you to stay calm in the face of this storm. But, unfortunately, this is H's doing and it is up to him to engineeer the undoing. Why don't you email her yourself? Tell H what you're going to do and then just do it!

"I don't know what to make of all this" -- I think you do! H is cake-eating and stringing you both along. How can he pretend to be "for" your marriage (discussing your future, a new business, a trip, etc.), when he really hasn't recommitted to you.

You are leaving this up to your H but he's shown himself--so far--to be powerless to end things with her and reconcile with you. You're sitting in the wings awaiting your cue (what will he do and when?) but you certainly aren't happy about any of this. Maybe it's time to be more proactive and set those boundaries.

I still say the odds are she won't show up, but I guess it's possible. You can affect that by taking the bull by the horns. Let H know how dissatisfied you are. Let him know that this behavior is unacceptable. Let him know what he has to do to fix this ongoing mess. If he doesn't pull the plug with her, firmly and definitively, you tell him that you will. I don't think she will want to walk into a hornet's nest!

Good luck and keep us posted. We're here for you...

Ammon

<small>[ February 26, 2003, 07:34 AM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

OW writes yesturday to hubby "If things go according to plan I am meant to fly into Canada on the 17th of March just to add to your crazy life, but I will give you more details later" My stomach is in knots. I am waiting to see his response. For me if she comes here and they are together again thats it I give up. I wanted to confront him, but I decided to see what he says. He better tell her not to come. I dont want to make a big deal to soon. But yes it is killing me inside. I need an end to this. I cant see him letting her come. He cant survive financially without me. She cant stay here as she is not from here and cant work and he cant even support himself. He would never go where she lives either. I see no future for them at all. He has to make a decision now. OHHH I just want a peaceful life and no more of these games. Any advice

Ammon any advice. Another email came in today. Apartently some man is after her in Australia. so she says and they say it is best for her to leave the country? Yeh right then she says she booked a hotel room near our dance studio but she is not sure of the name.Whatever. I think I am just going to watch this for one more week and then I gotta say something.
Help

hurtandalone...how old is this woman??? She sounds like she's 14 years old. Her emails are those which are written to try and get a boy to respond with affirmation.

This..."I'm coming, but I'm not going to tell you when. I'm coming when, but can't remember where I am staying. I've got to come because someone is after me." Give it a rest...and grow up!!!!

I do NOT believe she is coming! JMHO I do think your H is trying to not respond to her, but doesn't have the "you know what's" to do so in a forceful manner. He has tried to just ignore her emails, or not respond to the content...then she'd really push, and he'd send a very tense short reply...now he's avoiding even opening her emails. I think your H is ****ing his pants...he's scared to death that this nutjob might just end up on his doorstep, causing him to lose the one person he values (YOU).

Now, I'm not saying he's handling any of this the right way...because he ain't!!!! He's doing it about as wrong as he could be doing it...but I do not for a moment think he's looking forward to March 17.

What really scares me is that if by some miracle she does show up on that date, you're H will still not have a clue as to what to do to get his butt out of the situation he's found himself. Then he's very likely to really do something stupid...like not tell you that she is there...even if he doesn't want her to be there. He'll see her because he can't see the most basic option he has...coming clean to you and enlisting your help in dealing with her.

He's still hasn't figured out that the best course is to be honest. He's still caught in a web of lies and he's still spinning it, getting deeper and deeper. He's still hasn't learned that truth is his most powerful tool in reclaiming his marriage. Seems to be the hardest lesson for the WS to learn.

Anyway...that's what I see. The next few weeks between now and March 17th, should be very interesting. Watching the "spider" in his web, being afraid to move, lest he become the victim of who he thought he was setting a trap for.

You stay strong! It sounds like the two of you are moving closer together, maybe, just maybe...he'll wake up and realize that he does't have to face this battle alone...he's got you at his side, if he'll only ask.

Good Luck!

Thanks for the advice. I think this girl is 23 going on 12 if you ask me. I am afraid. I dont think he knows what to do. I dont think he wants her here either. I will have to confront him before the 17th cause if she comes here and they are together again I will not accept this. If this happens it is over for me. I am done fighting. I think this issue of someone being after her is a ploy to make him feel sorry for her so there is no way he would tell her not to come (so she thinks) I really dont know what is going to happen. I just want all this to be over. I will wait a few more days and see if he is ever going to respond to her. He hasnt responded to the last 3 emails and apparently they have not talked either. She says in her email "did you call the other night? when i thought it was you it gave me hope. was it you" certifiable psycho. She says she is in police protection now because this guy is after her. They should realize she is the one they need to lock up. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AMMON!!!!!!!!!

Hurt --

Sorry, I've been out of town and haven't been on the board at all since last Wednesday. Don't think I was ignoring you!

Just a Wifey and I still think she won't show, but I keep wondering what you're waiting for? You're making yourself decidely more miserable than necessary. If you keep waiting for H to email or phone her, you're going to remain antsy and uncomfortable until (if) that happens.

I agree with JaW that the team approach is your best bet. Why shouldn't you two be on the same side anyhow? At this point, control resides with H but he seems powerless to act on it. You can shift balance over to you with your inside and secret knowledge. Sure it'll blow your password cover, but at least it'll all be out in the open and together you two can plan your strategies. You're his strongest and most loyal ally and he won't even ask for your help.

So give it to him whether he thinks he wants it or not. Take the bull by the horns and lay it all out on the table. Frankly, the password secret is necessary only if H is going to continue contact with OW--so that could easily be a non-issue in a few hours. Once it's out, you two are then able to work on rebuilding your marriage--and not until!

You don't want to tread water until the 17th. Take back some measure of influence and control with this. What's to be gained by waiting? We're with you on this, so hang in and do what needs to be done.

Ammon