Hi. I'm new here. I was just wondering what everyones thoughts were on talking to the other woman. She said I could call her and she would tell me whatever I wanted to know. Should I? I just don't trust him enough to believe everything he says. I found out 4 wks ago. I'm 6 mos pregnant w/ our second child.

B&P,

Welcome to MB. Sorry that you are here, but you'll find wonderful compassionate people who have felt what you are feeling.

You'll get differing opinions, so you'll get lots of different perspectives.

Personally I don't think you should contact the OW. By doing so, you're inviting her to stay in your relationship. She had no business in your relationship to begin with, so why would you invite her to stay.

There is nothing that guarantees that she will tell you the truth or that she will try to spare your feelings from additional pain.

Treat her as though she doesn't exist. You have much more to do and to learn to be bothered with her.

Read everything you can on on this website. The books Surviving An Affair, His Needs, Her Nees, and Give & Take - all Harley books helped me tremendously.

Counseling - I couldn't have made it through so well without it.

Invite your H to post here and learn too.

I hope you take special care of yourself, being pregnant and going though this at the same time. Hope you have a good support group of friends and family. Blessings, CSue

B&P...I'm so sorry that you find yourself in need of a site like this one...but do know, you've found a very good one with lots of information. READ...take the information here which could be useful to your marriage, leave the rest on the back burner in case of need.

As for talking to the OW...that's hard to say. I am pretty much dead set against ANY contact with the OP...by the BS(betrayed spouse) or the WS (wayward spouse). If you've gotten an agreement from your H to go NC (no contact) then either of you breaking this sets a bad example for it to happen again.

Since I know next to nothing about your situation, it's very difficult to try to give any insights.

Is your H remorseful? Is he willing to end the affair..."yesterday"? Has he agreed to have NC with this woman in any shape, form or way? Do you know her? Do you really want to hear what happened during your H's affair from her POV? Are you wanting answers to questions such as...when it happened, where it happened, etc?

The problem with talking to the OP is that you may or may not get the truth. Which is exactly what you're wondering about now with your H. Now...if her story matches your H's story, you MAY feel as if you can believe both...BUT...you're going to wonder down the line if they just got their stories straight before you talked to her, and you won't be any closer to knowing if you can trust what your H has told you. IF...their stories do NOT match...then what? You're going to be wondering which one is telling the truth. You're still no further down the path to finding it out.

It usually takes several months for the truth to be revealed. Most WS do indeed lie their @$$ off in the misguided attempt to "protect" you from further pain and to cover their own @$$ in an effort to avoid more anger and sorrow from the BS.

IF...your H is wanting to save his marriage with you...IF...your H is willing to do the very real hard work of reclaiming the trust he threw away...then the sooner he discovers that honesty is the most powerful weapon he has to wield, the better. But...this seems to be the hardest lesson the WS must learn.

Now, your H may well have already learned this lesson, he may be telling you the truth. But beware of the "truth" you seek. Many details hinder and do not help recovery. You do have every right to know what you need to know, but just don't get caught up in asking for details which are not needed to heal.

Good Luck!

Thank you both for your opinions. H is very remorseful and wants to work things out. I don't know if you would call what he did an affair but he had several sexual episodes with more than one person spaced out about every 6 mos. or so. My reason for wanting to talk to the OW is to get dates since he can't seem to remember when any of this occured. He had sex w/ 1 woman off and on, I'm guessing over the span of 6 years - he says maybe 5-6 times. I think this started during our engagement and early marriage. I feel it is very important to know when these events occurred since I feel like our entire marriage is based on a lie. I want to see what 1 of the OW says since she tried to file a criminal lawsuit against him. They did stuff at work. I don't know all the abbreviations used but I will try it.

Betrayed&Pregnant (B&P)
BS 27
WS 32
Married 6 yrs dated/lived together 3 before that
dday 1/24/03
1s almost 2 yrs
1baby on the way in June.

B&P...JMHO (just my humble opinion) Your marriage is not now, nor was it ever based on a lie. Yes, if he was carrying on affairs there were lies in the marriage, but so often the WS (wayward spouse) is able to compartmentize his/her life to such an extent, that the two different areas never seem to make a joining.

He's/She's really is two separate people, one who is loving and caring in their primary relationship, yet continues to have these little "boxes" they take down off the shelf (the affairs) when they have the free time.

Sounds more like a series of ONS (one night stands) which happened to be with someone who he'd had a previous ONS. While this is still betrayals, it's on a different level then say a long term affair with a lot of contact and emotional connection.

I do agree that it is very important to your healing and to your understanding to discover when things began, how long they continued. It's a matter of understanding where his mind was during a period of time when he was hiding things from you.

If you do talk/contact this one OW who attempted to file suit, you still must realize that she is going to have her own truth about what happened during that time, which may or may not be THE truth. Since she attempted to file suit, I would tend to think that her POV (point of view) is going to be somewhat aimmed unfairly...as she must feel that she is an injuried party and is likely mad that she was unable to file suit, for whatever reason.

While there may well be many OPs (other persons) who would try to be as kind as possible while still being truthful in how they remember the time of the encounter with an affair partner, there are many who will not be kind or truthful.

You must be aware that you may well hear a "pack of lies" with a dab of truth, which is only meant to cause you more pain and your WH (wayward husband) more problems. Which might be why the suit was attempted in the first place. Then again, she may be very truthful and kind and attempt to tell you what is the truth through her eyes.

But...you will have no way of knowing which avenue she will tread, unless all you here is her own anger. So, unless she can give you some type of hard copy proof, you're still left with wondering who is telling the truth. It is possible that she has copies of emails, cards, letters, pictures, whatever which could answer your questions to your satisfaction...then again, she may not be willing to share them with you.

It's just hard to know what will happen, if this will benefit healing by giving you peace that your H is telling the truth, or if this will hinder by creating more confusion and more suspicion.

Good Luck on whatever you decide.

btw...any questions about abbreviations, just ask!

My advice would be to have NC with OW. I talked to OW and she only told me things to upset me I later found that out. You will never find out 100% of the truth. Both parties will lie. The OW will lie because she possibly still want your H wants to upset you and have you two upset with one another over the details. I wish someone had told me not to have contact but, I did. I can only move forward past the details and put them behind me. Good luck to you and God bless you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, I did call her. Most of what she said jived with what he said, a few things didn't..details he left out because he said I knew the important stuff. She says it was not mutual & that he used his position/authority to "force" her to do things. I am unsure if she's lying about that or not to protect her job. It's definitely He Said, She said. He said everything they did was mutual. In a way, I believe him because it wasn't the 1st time she's had an A w/ a married man. I did get some dates and a better time period of when things occured which I think will help me. I just wish I knew more about the OW that he was w/ during our engagement/early marriage. I just can't believe how he could do that and marry me at the same time. It just doesn't make sense to me. I go back & forth between wanting him to leave and letting him stay. If I weren't 6mos. pregnant, he would have even less of a chance. Unlike most people (it seems), I have never felt strongly about wanting to work it out. It's only been 4wks since I found out though, so I guess I am still in the anger stage??? I only cried a day or two when I found out and haven't really cried again since then. Even though I am pregnant, I am seem to be taking this very well. People are shocked at how I am handling this, including my husband. I told him that he should be worried after I have the baby because it will probably be then that I turn into an emotional basket case. Any advice on the type & how long the healing process works?

Betrayed&Pregnant (B&P)
BS 27 WS 32
M 6yrs dated/lived together 3yrs
1s 2yrs old
1baby on the way in June
DDay 1/24/03

B&P...sorry, there is no set timeline for healing, it's as individual as we all are. Some are capable of healing fairly fast, some may never heal completely. Plus, much of the healing is dependent on the WS...are they doing everything they can to be supportive, are they honest, are they being accountable today...if the answers to these are yes, then healing is easier. jmho

Just a thought, but maybe his actions during the engagement period was more about fear of commitment, then sexual affair. You both were fairly young and it can be awfully scary, even if you are in love.

As for your talk with OW, I'm glad you feel that it was pretty much beneficial. You can bet your very last dollar that it was mutual! You're H didn't knock her down and she didn't knock him down. No one forced either of them on the path to betrayals. They do NOT "just happen"! No matter how often the WS or the OP want to fall back on that tired ole excuse!

I think you're very wise NOT to make any decisions set in cement right now. Your main concern should be having a healthy babe and trying to avoid as much stress as possible (bet that's a hard one).

The stages of betrayal are much the same as those we must go through with the loss to death of a loved one. Basically, there is a period of denial, the overwhelming saddness, then anger, and finally acceptance and healing.(You can look them up on your search engine if you're interested for more detail, plus I think I left something out???)

Hopefully, you and your H can come to acceptance before the birth of this wonderful babe...and you won't be an emotional basket case. Healing can happen quickly, I pray that it does for you.

Good Luck!

I called the wife once, I was the OW. I called her because I just got vibes he was lying about his marital status and other things. She told me the truth and I got out. He was flabbergasted that I had the chutzpah to do it, but I didnt' want to be used or stand between a man and his wife, always find out what you want to know, and if you have to sort it out later, than that's short work. It's the unknown that nags and nags at you and keeps you up nights. Even if she tells partial truths you know something.

Crushinblo, now you're the type of OP most BS would love to talk to. One who wants to have the truth out there for everyone and give each of us the power to control our choices by having the truth of our own lives!

So sorry that someone put you in the position where you felt you had to call...but just in case this W didn't tell...I'd like to say..."Thank you!"

Hope your future is full of love, happiness, peace of spirit!

B&P, yes talk to her......... questions though?? Did she know he was married?? Is the OW still seeing him. Been there done that too many times. All I knew/know about didn't know. But he lied about much more....... I have turned it over to God. Totally this time I hope. I will not look or confront anymore of them. I will just do what is right and pray God changes him and keeps me where He wants me to be. At least help me face whatever the end result is gonna be. I know I have some blame to bear also... We got married much too fast, met on the net, didn't take time to know him...... BUt I still care and love and know that he has deep issues........ I think they stemmed from childhood......only God can change him but he has to really want it. It is like an alcoholic......... the worst thing is his lying.......to himself and naturally then to all else.......I hope this helps you. Pray, read your Bible if you don't have one get one and get some spiritual guidance from somewhere...... you will be ok........ I have not been a saint and I feel some of this is because of some things I have done....... but God is good and forgiving, but we have to learn to forgive ourselves else we won't even allow ourselves to know that he can and when we are forgiven......From the heart......feel free to email me if u like......