Since finding out about H affair I get panic attacks that start at 11 a.m. and stay with me until he is home again. I'm fine until 11 a.m. I get this horrible feeling that something is wrong and it drives me nuts.

I think it is because he used to meet her for lunch and he also took the afternoon off from work on occasion to spend with her.

We are trying to work this out but I keep asking myself if I really want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. Will these feelings go away?

His excuse for starting this affair was because he thought our marriage was over and that we were getting a divorce. Okay, our sex life was not that great due to many reasons, but we never had a fight or disagreement to make me think that our marriage was over or in trouble and we needed a divorce. Nothing happened that was so terrible to consider a divorce. We never even talked about divorcing at any point.

What do you make of this? I hate the feelings I have now. I'm don't consider myself a needy person at all but these panic attacks are horrible.

Shade

hi shade, sorry i cant give much advice, its quite new to me too. just wanted to reassure you that what your going thru can be normal in this awful situation. i read its abit like post traumatic syndrome. i have been thru alot in my life, but nothing quite as painful as this. i think about WH A 24/7, and worry when hes at work etc. put yourself first, you may consider discussing the panic attacks with a physician, if you are worried. hopefully someone can offer you more advice.., take care

Hi!

I found out about his A by finding emails on January 16th. He says it has been going on since the end of Nov. but I have my doubts about that since the first email I found had this message: Happy Birthday! I owe you a birthday dinner and maybe a good lickin. It was dated Dec. 12.

I could be wrong but I don't think you go from meeting to licking in 12 days. Something has to lead up to that point. They work together so I'm pretty sure there has been quite a bit of flirting going on.

I think about it 24/7 too. It is awful. It is the worse pain I have experinced. As hard as I try I can't trust him. He told me last night that he will have to work Saturday and the only thing I can think of is which motel they will be at. He says she is snubbing him and they haven't talked but I've heard so many lies that I don't believe him.

Are you trying to work things out too? Isn't it difficult. He will not go to counseling because he thinks they just rip you off. I have a few names and am considering going by myself.

Hope everything works out for you.

Shade

HI SHADE, READING YOUR POST REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF MY LIFE JAN OF2001 WHEN I FOUNDOUT. lIKE YOU THEY WORKED TOGETHER AND I WORKED THERE TOO. SO THIS ALL HAPPENED RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES. BOY DID I FEEL STUPID. MY H AND I WERE ALSO FRIENDS WITH HER H AND WE ALL WENT OUT TOGETHER. SICK HUH. THIS WENT ON FOR 5 MONTHS. AFTER I LEFT WORK EVERYDAY I WOULD WAIT FOR THE CLOCK TO SAY 7:00PM AND THEN I WOULD TIME HIM GETTING HOME. i WOULD GET SICK TO MY STOMACH THINKING ABOUT WHAT HE WAS DOING AND WHERE HE WAS. ONCE IN A WHILE I WOULD GO SIT IN THE PARKING LOT OR GO FIND THEM AT A BAR BUT THEY USAULY MET IN THE MORNING AFTER I LEFT FOR WORK AND AFTER HE GOT THE KIDS OFF TO SCHOOL AND BEFORE THEIR SHIFT STARTED AT 10. THE NICE THING WAS SHE HAD HIM IN HER CAR AND NEVER AT MY HOUSE OR HERS. THEY DID DO A MOTEL ONCE SO HE TOLD THE NEIGHBOR. NOW DO I THINK ABOUT IT YES. IS THE PAIN THERE,YES. DOES IT RIP ME APART LIKE IT DID 2 YRS AGO NO. WHAT IS THE ANSWER. FAITH AND TIME. THAT IS WHAT I FEEL NOW BECAUSE 2 YRS AGO NOONE COULD HAVE CONVINCED ME THAT I WOULD FEEL LIKE THIS TODAY. DO I TRUST MY H? YES. DO I HAVE A BAD DAY YES I AM HUMAN. GO TO COUNC. BY YOURSELF IF YOU CAN AND ALSO GO TO A DOC TO GET SOMETHIN FOR THE PAIN IN YOUR HEART. THOSE TWO THINGS WERE SO HELPFUL TO ME. I WILL TELL YOU THAT I DID CALL A SUICIDE HOTLINE MY FIRST WEEK OF FINDING OUT AND THAT IS THE DIRECTION I GOTFROM THEM. I AM THANKFUL TO THEM FOR THAT. ANOTHER THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME AND YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF IS YOU WILL LOSE WEEKS MAYBE MONTHS OF YOUR LIFE. YOU MAY BE THERE IN BODY BUT YOUR MIND IS NOT. I HAVE 2 CHILDREN THEY WER 6 AND9 WHEN THIS HAPPENED AND I DON'T REMEMBER6 MONTHS OF THIER LIFE, SCHOOL OR HOME AND THAT MAKES ME SAD. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.

Shade...welcome to MB...there is a lot of valuable information here...READ! You will discover that what you are feeling is NORMAL. The fear, the anger, the sorrow, the lost of trust, is something we've all had to deal with. No...it is NOT easy, but it can be done.

No...you will NOT always feel this way. But you will feel this way for quite some time, not going to downplay this, it's just part of the process.

You're H's excuses will not make much if any sense. The "why?" of the affair is not going to be logical or reasonable. For whatever "reason" he comes up with, you're going to see all the other options he could have taken, should have taken...as being logical and reasonable, and kind and a lot more less damaging.

The WS almost always continues to lie shortly after d-day. They have a misguided sense of "protecting" you from further pain, which is not productive, but they really see this as their motivation. They are also attempting to cover their own sweet @$$ from further anger and saddness from the BS.

The lesson the WS MUST learn is that truth and honesty is their only weapon in which to reclaim the marriage, but it is a very hard lesson for them to learn. They've been "practicing" lying while the affair was on-going and even before when they began justifing their pre-affair behavior. So, for them, lies have been working...they are still in that mindset for several days/weeks/and sadly often several months after d-day. It takes being firm and not allowing them to get by with even the smallest lie, being confronted with them, explaining over and over again that lies will only increase the damage, not prevent it.

Since your H's affair was with a co-worker...he needs to begin seeking new employment. The sooner he has established NC (no contact) of any kind, the sooner you will be able to get some of your sense of security back.

While many are in a position with work-place affairs where it is very difficult to acheive NC, this can be a hard point to work around. But NC is really the number one beganing to healing and recovery. It is one of the most important. While it is possible to overcome continued workplace contact...it makes things much harder and increases the time needed for healing and reclaiming of trust to a much longer timeframe with a lot more tearing down of what you have just rebuilt. jmho

Of course you're not going to trust him now!!! DUH!!! The trust you give to your partner in the beginning is almost total, when that trust has been broken it is not ever given again...it must be EARNED! And he has only begun that process...and it's a VERY long process, even when NC is assured, he's doing everything possible to reassure you, and is doing whatever is needed for him to do by you.

If he won't go to counseling...you can't force him to do so...but don't let his "stupid" move (jmho) keep you from seeking out some outside guidance. Hopefully, you will lead the way and he'll realize that MC is something he needs to be involved in...if he wants this recovery to go more smoothly and easier...ON HIM...and on you.

As for the timeline, yes, I am sure there was a lot of flirting long before the actual "deed", often the WS doesn't even realize that they have entered into an EA, they tend to see it as just a little distraction and fun from their everyday life with a "good friend"...then it becomes more involved, may or may not turn into a PA on a moment's notice. So, his timeline by his POV maybe correct, yet not exactly truthful. It takes a while for the WS to "get" and own what they have done and the extent of it.

Yes, rebuilding is very difficult! It will be the hardest thing you have ever attempted in your marriage. BUT...You AND your H can rebuild your marriage. You can open up new lines of communication (if you didn't fight often, you may not have been communicating enough, H and I almost never faught before d-day). You can set and agree to real boundaries for yourself and for your partner. You can end up with a much healthier, happier, more contented, more loving and honest marriage through the hardships and trails of rebuilding.

Good Luck!

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm having a hard time with this because he says he wants to work this out but I don't feel he is making an honest effort. He may be but I'm not seeing it and I don't know if it is because of what we've been though or not. I've told him three or four times that I would like him to call me during the day just to tell me things are okay. I just need some reassurance at this time. He used to call me all the time and he stopped doing this the last three or four months. He has called me four times in the past two weeks. Two of them were to tell me he was upset with me because I finally had enough and emailed her asking her which one of us he was stringing along. I emailed her the day he finally made up his mind and moved back in. I had accepted our divorce that day and was ready to move on. The second time he called because I found a phone number and called it to see who it was. Yep, it was her. She called him upset about it. I didn't even say anything to her except basically who is this. The other two times were to tell me that somebody was coming to fix something. He has not actually called to see how I'm doing. He says he is too busy at work. He says I have two choices, I can either move on with my own life or I can put this behind us and move on. He doesn't say this in a way that is argumentative, he is just stating the facts as he sees them.

For Valentines Day he gave me a funny card with a one line hand written serious message. I thought it should have been a little more serious since we are trying to work this out.

He does come home from work on time now. There are just so many little things that make me think he is not really trying and it bothers me. I am going to have a talk with him this weekend about these things.

Thanks for listening.

Shade

JMHO...then he isn't doing nearly enough! And if he isn't doing enough, he's not just standing on the sidelines...he's standing in the middle blocking you on your healing path! He either does what you need him to do, or he hindering. There isn't a "safe" place for him to stand, he's either willing to support you, or he's knocking you down.

IF...and I must assume I'm correct since the phone number issue was during the last two weeks, he hasn't established NC...then you're spinning your wheels, he's not rebuilding he's still tearing apart the marriage. He's not only still either calling her and/or accepting her phone calls, he's still in an affair, even if he hasn't had personal face to face contact with her. JMHO

He's the one with two choices here...either he wants his marriage and is willing to do whatever is needed to reclaim it...or he doesn't.

You've given him the chance to try to rebuild WITH you...you can NOT do this on your own, it takes both partners. Right now, I don't see this happening because he's trying to control your healing, he's telling you to "get over it" on his time schedule, not yours. Well...he can NOT control your healing!

I truly pray he gets the message or as others have said...that "lightening moment" and understands that he can't just jump back to whatever "normal" was before d-day. It ain't going to happen.

Good Luck!

SHADE, I REMEMBER HAVING THOSE WEEKEND TALKS TOO. PLEASE REMEMBER ONE THING. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. WE AS THE BETRAYED KNOW THAT ONCE SOMETHING LEAVES YOUR LIPS YOU CAN'T TAKE IT BACK. AND AS WE KNOW WHEN THINGS ARE SAID IN ANGER IT IS MORE MEMORABLE THAN THE WORDS SAID IN THE HEAT OF PASSION! JUST SAY A PRAYER TO HAVE THE LORD SPEAK THE WORDS THAT NEED TO BE HEARD. I HOPE FOR YOU THAT THINGS WILL WORK OUT. I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE READING SOME OF THE POSTS ON THIS SIGHT WOULD HURT THE HEALING THAT I HAVE HAD, BUT IN THE PAST FEW DAYS I FEEL SO BLESSED WITH MY,WELL OUR RECOVERY AND JUST TO LET OTHER BETRAYED SPOUSES KNOW THAT THERE IS HOPE FOR EVERYONE. I WILL KEEP READING AND WATCHING FOR YOUR PROGRESS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shade:
<strong>Since finding out about H affair I get panic attacks that start at 11 a.m. and stay with me until he is home again. I'm fine until 11 a.m. I get this horrible feeling that something is wrong and it drives me nuts.

I think it is because he used to meet her for lunch and he also took the afternoon off from work on occasion to spend with her.

We are trying to work this out but I keep asking myself if I really want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. Will these feelings go away?

His excuse for starting this affair was because he thought our marriage was over and that we were getting a divorce. Okay, our sex life was not that great due to many reasons, but we never had a fight or disagreement to make me think that our marriage was over or in trouble and we needed a divorce. Nothing happened that was so terrible to consider a divorce. We never even talked about divorcing at any point.

What do you make of this? I hate the feelings I have now. I'm don't consider myself a needy person at all but these panic attacks are horrible.

Shade</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Shade, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I know exactly how you feel. I found about my H's affair June 2001. I was physically ill for about 6 months. I lost 30 pounds and was thin in the first place. I had the severe panic attacks you describe. I would get them in the middle of the grocery store, at my kids' school while volunteering, anywhere and everywhere for no apparent reason. I went to a therapist who sent me to a psychiatrist and I went on a drug called Celexa which really helped and I am not a fan of medications. I could not eat, sleep or breathe. I could barely function and I have 3 children; that is why I decided to take the meds. Like Sandra posted, you do lose time. I still feel like I am in a fog some days. I have memory loss. Somedays I could not find my car in a parking lot. It is called post traumatic stress disorder. Your body kind of shuts down. Your brain cannot process all the info at one time. I would suggest that you seek help or else you might get very sick. I decided to get help so I could be a good Mom again. I went off the drug after 6 months and I think it helped me through the first year. As I approach the 2 year mark, I have to say that it is still very very difficult and I am still considering divorce. We are both getting counselling and trying but it is so hard. I wish I could be more optimistic...although I do still carry hope in my heart. I love my husband and my kids and I don't want to break apart our family; our nest, but I am not sure if I can live with the betrayal. The answer does not come overnight. On the bright side, I hardly ever cry anymore and I do have good days. I love to work out and I think that doing YOGA has helped me immensely. Each day, try to do something for YOU. Do something you love whether it be a nice long hot bath, a walk, a movie, out with your best-friend, just every single day try to do a little something for yourself to heal your heart. I understand and will talk to you whenever you want. The pain this causes is unbelieveable but I'm sure you've heard the old phrase..."That which does not kill us will only make us stronger." Please take care of yourself.

Hopeful,

I had a friend suggest Celexa too. She said it has helped her so much. I worry about taking medications such as thoughs because I'm afraid they will make me foggy or alter my thinking and I don't want that at all at this time. I want to know what we are talking about and be able to respond to his answers without feeling in a fog. Did this medication make you feel like you were in a fog? I am seriously considering going to a counselor and asking for some medication. I have a job where I have to have full concentration at all times, so I worry about that too.

I'm having one of my attacks right now because he went to work today. He hardly ever works on Saturday and my mind starts wandering about what is really going on. He does want me to meet him at his place of work around noon so we can have lunch. That has eased my mind a little.

I asked him last night where he got the money for the motels they had their affairs in. That has really bothered me because it seems we never have spent the money on each other for the special days in our lives but he had money to spend on her. My mind kept thinking that he spent 'OUR' money on her. He says he used the money he had been saving for his car on the motel bills and she paid for part of it too. I know he had been saving money but I can't remember how much he had saved and I know that money is gone now. I really don't know if asking him these questions is helping or not. When I ask them I feel better but he is right, it gives me more to think about and question. It's like one answered question leads to another question. Does it ever stop?

Shade

I forgot to thank everybody for their thoughts. I don't mean to be rude. I truly do appreciate all your support and advice. I get so wound up reading them it seems I only respond to the last message and have missed responding to others and I don't want you to think that your message was not as important as the one I responded to. They all have wonderful advice and suggestions.

Thank you all.

Shade

HELLO AGAIN,
DO YOU REALY WANT TO KNOW ALL THE DETAILS? I KEPT ASKING WHERE THEY WERE MEETING AFTER AND BEFORE WORK AND I FOUND OUT. MY SON PLAYS SOCCER AND LAST SPRING GOING TO THE SOCCER FIELD CLOSE TO THEIR JOB IT HIT ME. I MADE A COMMENT LIKE I ALLREADY NEW IT WAS HERE WHERE THEY MET AND HE REPLIED "IF YOU KNOW WHY ARE YOU ASKING". DO I WISH NOW I KNOW THIS? NO BECAUSE IT MADE IT SO HARD TO TAKE MY SON TO SOCCER EVERYWEEK WITH THAT IN MY HEAD. IT JUST GIVES YOU MORE AMMO TO USE WHEN YOU NEED TO THROW THOSE DIGS IN WHEN YOU SHOULDN'T. PASSING THE MOTELS AND TAKING YOUR KIDS TO THE SOCCER GAMES ARE THINGS THAT YOU CANNOT AVOID BUT IT WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE TO GO PLACES IF YOU DID NOT KNOW WHAT WENT ON THERE. BUT WHO NEW I WOULD HAVE TO SIT AT THAT PARK EVERY SAT WITH H AND WATCH OUR SON PLAY. DID HE THINK ABOUT THAT. THANK GOD ITS ME AND NOT HER THAT IS SITTING THERE WITH HIM AND OUR SON. I KNOW ITS HARD TO NOT WANT TO NO EVERY DETAIL BUT SOME HURT WORSE KNOWING THAN NOT. AS YOUR RECOVERY PRGRESSES THOSE THING WON'T BE TOP PRIORITY. I ALSO WENT OFF MY HAPPY PILLS FOR 6 MOS AND DUE TO OTHER THINGS IN MY LIFE ADDED TO THIS I WAS PUT BACK ON AND THEY HAVE HELPED. HAVE A GOOD LUNCH AND ENJOY THIS TIME WITH HIM BECAUSE ITS U AND NOT HER. OH BY THE WAY THE OW HERE ALSO PAYED FOR THE HOTEL THATS SAD. I THINK IF MY H CARED THAT MUCH FOR HER HE WOULD HAVE PAYED IN THIS CASE SHE WAS BUYING.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shade:
<strong>Hopeful,

I had a friend suggest Celexa too. She said it has helped her so much. I worry about taking medications such as thoughs because I'm afraid they will make me foggy or alter my thinking and I don't want that at all at this time. I want to know what we are talking about and be able to respond to his answers without feeling in a fog. Did this medication make you feel like you were in a fog? I am seriously considering going to a counselor and asking for some medication. I have a job where I have to have full concentration at all times, so I worry about that too.

I'm having one of my attacks right now because he went to work today. He hardly ever works on Saturday and my mind starts wandering about what is really going on. He does want me to meet him at his place of work around noon so we can have lunch. That has eased my mind a little.

I asked him last night where he got the money for the motels they had their affairs in. That has really bothered me because it seems we never have spent the money on each other for the special days in our lives but he had money to spend on her. My mind kept thinking that he spent 'OUR' money on her. He says he used the money he had been saving for his car on the motel bills and she paid for part of it too. I know he had been saving money but I can't remember how much he had saved and I know that money is gone now. I really don't know if asking him these questions is helping or not. When I ask them I feel better but he is right, it gives me more to think about and question. It's like one answered question leads to another question. Does it ever stop?

Shade</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hello Shade

You said u got a friend who suggested Celexa. I do not know what is that but I STRONGLY suggest to go to a doctor and he will be the one giving you prescriptions. You will never know what a drug can do to you if they don't got the whole medical picture.

I'm pretty much understand your attacks, I'm at one myself since it's saturday and he told me he is studing (he is doing a master degree now) and if that wasn't hard enough it's very time consuming. He has told me that the master's requires to be there the whole day and also study at nights. I know they are hard and time consuming but they started last October and for a full week I barely saw him. I knew it was because of classes but now I know it was also because other things...

HA! About money at least your husband was smart enough to take it from a place you wouldn't saw. Mine took it from our joint account and always have excuses for those withdrawls (and I beleive them) hahah... as I'm typing this I can not beleive how stupid one can be when is in love...

Since I don't got the whole picture in this I can not write any longer about myself, but I want you to know that you are not alone we had a lot in common as you said and I hope this help us both and our marriages.
Please find counseling and a good doctor to prescribe drugs. Do not take them at a "friend's" counsel...

Also I would like to know... Did your husband ever leave the house after you found out?

Take care

Hi Shade, I hope that you had a good lunch with your H. No, I do not feel as though I was in a fog while taking Celexa. Whatit is does is it calms down your entire system so that you can be level-headed. I am sure that each person is different, but if you are experiencing true panic attacks (heart palpitations, trouble breathing, etc.) then you need something to calm down your nervous system. Besides the panic attacks, I could not eat. If I ate I would throw up or get diarrhea immediately. Taking Celexa allowed me to eat and sleep again and the panic stopped. It takes about one month for it to start working and the Dr. adjusts the amount you need. It turns out that I only needed a very small amount to bring my body back to a calm, physical state. I cannot imagine that it would affect you negatively at work. DDay for me was June 2001 and I started the drug in September 2001. For the first month on Celexa, the Dr. also prescribed Klonopin, which is a mild sedative, to use until the Celexa kicked in. I only took the Klonopin to sleep. By March 2002, I was off all medications. I think the drug allowed me to function. We had a nice Christmas and the crying stopped. I could eat and sleep and felt somewhat normal again altho' things were FAR from perfect. I have been considering divorce all along, so then I decided I wanted off the meds so I could make a completely clear decision. By July 2002, I had an attorney and was ready to separate and when it came right down to it, I couldn't do it. It has a lot to do with having 3 kids! And I do still love my H. It's so complicated. Anyway, try the drug, as far as I saw, there were no negative side effects. I think it saved me. I was just wasting away and it certainly enabled me to be a better Mother.

As far as the details/questions....I am one who needs to know everything because it helps me understand why this happened. If you want to rebuild your marriage, you need to understand WHY it happened and how and where, etc. It is almost 2 years later for me and I am still getting little bits and pieces of info. Each piece hurts, but it helps me fill in the blanks. You seem sensitive, like me, and I think that for me, I need to hear the pieces a little at a time. It is definitely much less painful now than when I first found out. Now I realize how shallow their affair was...it was a fantasy....the affair was not REAL. All of the lying is that which continues to upset me terribly. So much deceit. Do you have a MC? The counselling really helps too. For me, the details are painful but necessary. I am not one to sweep stuff under the rug and move on. I wish I could be like that. I wish I could blow it off and move on fully, but until I have a complete understanding and full disclosure then I cannot move forward. Everyone is different. My biggest piece of advice is to try to remain neutral and calm and to listen to your H. In the beginning I used divorce as a threat or weapon and it doesn't help at all. If you want to save your marriage, it takes a lot of time and a lot of work from both sides. How long was he involved in the other relationship?

I feel for you and really understand. I think my H did not know how tightly he held all of my feelings and emotions. I know he hates himself for it now and it is sad to watch.

Good luck and let me know how your lunch was. I will talk to you anytime. How is work going?

I really feel. I had found out about my husbands 2nd affair (that I can KNOW he had, I am 'sure' there were more), last year. I truly believe we lose not only time, but a part of ourselves.
Sometimes I still find myself in tears for 'no apparent reason'

I myself am waiting for this feeling to 'go away' We are still together. But everyday I hurt, And I wonder if/when it happens agian what I will do. I live my life hoping to not hurt anymore....But as time progresses, I learn to live a bit more, even through the pain

what is really sad is--the affairs hurt, (painfully so) but they brought out more of the day-to-day pain...He was a child who was raised in divorce and affairs. He could be the example of the child in the "affairs to childern"

Again2...I do feel the pain in your posts...I also agree that children raised where affairs are known to have gone on and on and on, are much more likely to see this as a choice when things get tough in a marrriage. They learn the wrong lesson.

HOWEVER...you can teach your own children a better lesson (if you have any), that yes, problems do arrise in marriages, that with the best efforts of both parents, that they can be overcomed. Not a bad lesson to teach or to learn.

Has your H had any counseling to help him address these boundaries which he may not have gotten from his childhood. Childhood issues all too often intrude into our adult life.

Good Luck as you walk your healing path!