Hello
I just found out my husband is having an affair.
I have read many pages here but I'm still a lot to read so please help me because I don't got all the answers yet.
A little history
I'm 32 he is 34. The signs where all there I just couldn't saw them I was blinded, the problem is that he never treated me badly.
He says that they are just friends, never had sex but I know that is not true. He said he started the "friendship" because last year we found out we couldn't have childrens without an ICSI or in vitro. His sperm is bad and he felt a lower men for that. So he seeked for help in her. After I found out that was a hard blow but I decided I wanted to still live with him with or whitout childrens.
I talked to him he still denies a lot of things that I know, but I let that pass. I do not want my marriage to be over and I told him to go to his parents and we have to start saving to go to counseling which he accepted.
I think he still loves me and I know that we both got to improve.
I read about the way to get out of an affair and there is a issue here that I know that can not be possible let me explain.
We live in a country with very bad economical situation an unenploimentis at 23%. is too hard at this time here to get another job and she is from his job. What can I do?

We have some things in common. I'm 36 and just found out about his affair. They work together too and the ecomony here is bad too. That is his excuse anyway for not finding another job. I know he could find another job if he really looked. He enjoys his job a lot. They don't work directly together but I know that they could see each other at just about any time. This makes my stomach heave.

He will not go to counseling so I think you are in a better position than I am in. I hope you can save the money to go. I am thinking of going by myself just to help sort this out. How much does counseling cost where you are? It will cost me $60.00 for each session until I hit my deductible of $250.00, then it will cost me $15.00 for each session.

We cannot have children either. His sperm is bad too but I really feel there is something wrong with me too but the doctors say I'm fine. You made me think if that could be another reason for him doing this. He has never said anything about it (regarding why he had the affair) and I sure don't want to make excuses for him, he has enough of those already.

I just wanted to let you know that we have some things in common. I'm sorry I can't help you with your questions. I am just trying to figure this all out myself.

I'll be thinking of you.

Shade

matilde...I'm a little unsure as to what your present situation is...so will begin by asking some questions.

Are you and your H still living together?

Has the affair ended?

While it might be hard to find another job, is he willing to look and change jobs as soon as one becomes available? Can he change his schedule so that they do not work the same hours, can he change locations?

The "why" affairs happen that the BS receives from the WS is seldom going to make a lot of sense. While we can often find indicators as to what was causing stress in the marriage, or stress on one of the partners, it is still and always going to be an unacceptable reason for the BS. Logic and reason have nothing to do with affairs.

Yes, you were BOTH under a lot of stress dealing with childbearing issues. I'm sure there were other issues which also needed to be addressed, but affairs only increase the stress on the person having one and on the marriage. They never solve a thing.

Read what is here on site, there is a lot of valuable and insightful information. Take from it what you feel will benefit your situation.

As for what you can do about the on-going work situation...it's not easy, but there can be a plus side to this. IF...a mighty big "if"...your H is willing to keep you fully informed of all professional contact he must have with her, all attempts by her to have any personal contact, if he creates boundaries for himself which puts her at "arm's lenght", then this can be a real chance of his rebuilding trust. Now this is not easy for you, you will worry that he isn't being honest, but if he is consistent with his "good" behavior, then it can help you. He really needs to be completely open and honest about every little contact. If he can do this, if he can keep to a strick professional, non-personal working relationship which is as limited as his workplace allows...then you can began healing. This is NOT the easy path...NC is much easier...but it is possible.

Hello Shade I don't know why I though I where the only one in this situation.. how naive but I'm taking steps at a time in realizing the whole story.
Please be strong... time heals all. Since we are "sharing" the same situation I think we can support us via this forum and post our developments
About your question counseling cost about $37.5
that is cheap in your mind but I live in a 3rd world country where salaries are not much as high as in another ones.
To make my point more clear in this here a person earn $100 a month.
That is gladly not the case with my husband and we can afford it in the near future just right now economical things are not that smooth.
About your problem with childrens I understand it as good as you but I would recomend that you look into a specialist in the fertility area which is what we did. Still is not impossible to us to have them is just a very high priced treatment and a shoot at luck but there is still hope. I think we can help but only God made that desition.
About work.... hmmmm
well I still have not taken the step if that should be her or him leaving the work, and beleive me I know he can look for another job and find it not that higly payed as the actual one but at this point I do not need the money for anything supperficial just counseling and trying to pass this crisis.
At least he told me he is willing to go. say and do are different things I will keep you posted...
Please be strong talk to your near family try not to be very much alone in my case that is not helping me at this point.
I hope to hear from you soon
Take care

Hello Just a wifey 2002
I will start answering.

First I do not think I have posted this but we being married for 8 years (the best of my life until now), we had at the eyes of all the "perfect marriage".

About my present situation:

He is not living here at the house anymore
I found out 2 days ago with a suspect about telephone bill. He told me if I distrusted him that please ask him to leave the house so I did...He left angry telling me I was crazy and I let him go. In that fight he gave me the code to the telephone and I gave it a shot to his answering machine. That is how I found out.
He still denies he got sex with her and I know that is not true... it's to fresh for him to acknowledge the whole enchilada right now... I made up my mind in this 2 days we have being talking. This forum-site has helped me a lot and I'm transfering as much information to him as I can. He has to realize the whole problem and confront it with all his heart. I think he is not prepared yet...
The affair has not ended at all.. I asked him to call her and tell her. He told me that he sayed to her that he needed space an time to think, but I do not beleive it's true. It still alive.
About work I hope he is willing to make the change if opportunity arises but I can not be sure about it. (He told me he will resign) but still to early to tell and to make hard desitions.
I totally agree on that logic and reason that have nothing to do with affairs, and I made some really bad mistakes myself and I realize it now...
About the big IF at work, he can not do that at this point. He still denies a lot of things and have not told me the whole story.
I'm scared because I know that if he keeps out of the house and she is at work he is not with me he is with her and that could be the final step trough divorce or separation.
I know there is not an easy solution but right now he is still denying a lot of things. Only when he reach a certain point of honesty we can talk about it, but he is a total liar now although he admited some things. I think is because he is so ashame and don't want to hurt me anymore.
that is all by now...

Matilde,

Hi! How is your day going?

I have to tell you that your H sounds just like mine. My H told OW that he needs some time to think and asked her to have no contact with him for 60 days. His reasoning for this is because he didn't realize how deep her feelings were fro him and is hoping that NC for 60 days will make her loose interest and move on with her life. I have my suspiscions though. I wonder if it is to keep her around in case things don't work out between us. That was two weeks ago. At first I asked him everyday he came home if she contacted him and he would tell if she did. Now I don't ask but I told him I want him to tell me if she does contact him. He agreed. I don't know whether to believe him or not. Just last night I asked if he had any contact with her this week and he said no. I know that is a lie or he simply forgot that she called him on Monday because I found a phone number and called it and it was her. Maybe he is thinking since I already know about that one he is saying "no" to any other contact this week. My mind wanders and I think I am looking for any and all signs of continued betrayal. I hope this goes away.

He usually doesn't work on Saturdays but he is today. I'm worried but feel like I have to start somewhere with the trust issue. We are planning to meet where he works and then go out for lunch. He works one hour away and I had already planned on shopping in that town today so it isn't like I planned on checking up on him or anything but believe me that thought does cross my mind.

We have done artificial insemination twice which didn't work. We are at the point of having to spend big money on invitro or some other procedure. It just seems too high of a maybe for the money it will cost. I have accepted my fate and wish to no longer pursue treatments.

I hope you don't think badly of me but I am willing to send you $37.50 for your first counseling. You don't have to repay it, just think of it as a gift. I know what you are going through and wish to help. Just let me know.

When I first found out about his A on January 16th I didn't eat much of anything for over one month. I lost so much weight and towards the end just felt like passing out all the time. I had to force myself to eat little bits and now I'm up to eating almost an entire meal. I was so worried about getting sick or being put in the hospital.

Take care of yourself.

Shade

Hello Shade!

My day is not good at all. Finally after 3 days I could grab some sleep without alcohol. The 2 other nights I had to get pretty busted and still slept 2 hours.. woke up with a hangover that took the whole day to get off. I finally realized alcohol won't do it and I slept well.

There are some improvment's last night I talked long to him and convince him to go to his parents he did and I think it is good, also we chated a lot very frankly and things are comming to take shape. I hope he tells them what is going on, they suspect something but didn't understand why he called me as soon as he get there to inform me and why we where so friendly in the talk. Basically I'm glad I'm a cyber freak and found this site very fast because it has helped me (and him by the things I transmit to him to overcome this faster) I hope...

Today I do not know why but I woke up crying and by that time he called me... we did more and more talk and finally he told me he did have something with her. He sayed just kisses but still I know is not the truth.. He is improving I think one step at a time, but I'm having the worst of my time remembering things and details that I didn't saw and I knew where there. You know... How could I be so DUMB! and that is hurting me...

I think I know most of my mistakes but I still need to fill questionaries and share because I'm also sure there are some hidden reasons and I want to improve... I wish that improvment came with him but I can not be sure at this time.. I wanted it but can not guaratee it if you know what I mean, I made the commitment the day I married and still beleive in that but I don't know if I'm going to be strong enough to support all...

About him talking to her.. he told me so but I'm not sure you see I asked him a test of honesty, I asked for the new code to the telephone and he refused so it's not over yet. I do not know is he is willing to spend this double life forever but I'm sure don't.

About kids... Well Shade that is a hard thing to do... Let me explain... I'm sure you accepted your "fate" but that is not neccesarilly true I mean if you are willing to gave it the last shot I would recomend going to a very good specialist best you can find. Ask specially or do a web search about ICSI, that is suppoused to be the best one this days and it's based on male infertility. Ask about certifyed pregnancy rates in those clinics (must be public records not the one they told you about), and also well I can ask my doctor if he can recomend me someone where u live... Well I don't know where u live but we can fix that later. Another solution is that if you earn in $ come here, and do the ICSI here if you are willing. Here is not that expensive I have read and in US it cost around $25K here is like $6K last time I asked. I do not know ur present economical status so think about it.

I don't know if you got religious beliefs but I do and finally we can try to help but the ultimate desition has to make it God.

break...

He has just called me while I was posting this and I started to cryed again. He told me that he has bought a TV for al least spend time at his parents and some food, that I can not be in this state (not eating, not playing, no tv just reading) because that is not healthy and that he needed me healthy to overcome this... I know it's true but that will take somo more time from me I guess...

Hehehe thanks you for the offering on the money Shade but is not necesary (I really appreciate it). I told you we got bad economical situation but is now it will take about a week to be good, and also I have to find counseling a good one I think one bad counseler can leave you worst than where you where... and finding it will take like 3 or 4 days...

Like you I find very hard to eat I lost my apetite and is very hard to pass through even a soup. Gladly my sister invited me to lunch yesterday and I went and ate some but I'm not willing right now to the kitchen or any place to find food just now.. Anyhow lost weight will help me since that is one of my problems...

I have being readind your posts and will answer there.

Thank you and take good care

Just about all of you sound like me to an extent... trust me when u go looking, usually after suspicion.......u are gonna find something...be sure what u find you will be able to act on...... and act according to your feelings and what is best for you....... do you want it too work??? Do your part as the wife, beyond that your hands are tied..... trust God.... to fix it or just keep you till you are over it...... ask HIM to do this for you and He will, maybe not as soon as you like but HE will....fast, pray and he will work it out for the good.......

We are working over it...
Tomorrow I think I will go to church since this loneliness is not helping me...
I hope counseling start next week... yes that is fast even if I have to ask for a very short term loan...but I'm tyred of dodging problems and things....

Hello
Since my last post, H and I have talked a lot, chatted a lot and we even meet at a public place.

He found me a concelor for today... but....
He says he leave his celular phone at a public place and was missed, also I asked him for the credit card he used for the A (the one i do not got access to) and he told me that he can not give now because he leave the other (the one I got access to in a supermarket buying food)...

Also he says she has not tryed to contact him after he put an end. Bu how can I beleive it?

It's like he is trying to fix me up but he is not willing to end it?
Please help!

Matilde,

Our husbands sound so much alike in how things are progressing.

When I first found out about the A he told me that they were just friends, later he confessed to kissing her, then it became kissing and making out, then about one month later he confessed to having sex with her. By this point I had time to think about this and I knew in my heart that he had sex with her so when he finally confessed I didn't have a major breakdown or anything because I had prepared myself for it. It doesn't make the hurt easier to take but I felt prepared for it.

He did move out for one week to his parents house. They know all about it but feel they have to support him which is fine with me. I know they love me and they know how much hurt he has caused me but they are his parents and they love him too. I understand and have no ill feelings about that.

He also did not break off the relationship with her. He says he tried to but she would not accept it and he was too afraid of what she might do at work but he says they have agreed not to contact each other for 60 days. I don't want to be foolish but I feel like I have to start trusting him again. I believe, about 80%, that there has been no contact. I just can't make myself believe 100% at this time. I feel I have to guard my feelings from the awful hurt just in case.

We had a pretty good weekend. Saturday's lunch went fine. He was actually working. I refrained from checking on him (part of the trust thing)and only went there at lunch. We had a good talk Saturday night and he told me quite a few things and gave me his password for the email site they used to write back and forth. I know that they could have another one they are using now but I feel each step is in a positive direction for winning my trust again. He also agreed to call me from work just to see how my day was going. I told him about my panic attacks and he felt bad. He has already called me today. He started crying Saturday night about it all and knows what he did has hurt me tremendously.

All this said, I still have this nagging feeling about what to do. I love him very much but I don't like the answer he gave me for why this happened. He says he will be more open with me but I feel the hurt and betrayal may be too much for me to handle. I often find myself thinking about my life without him and it doesn't scare me anymore. I don't know if these feelings are telling me to go my separate way or if they are just natural feelings. It is all so confusing.

I hope you are having a good day.

Shade

Hello Shade
As a matter of facts I'm having the best of the days!
I went to a counselor heheh (the date was even cheaper than posted before), and I'm finally getting to understand the whole picture...
Maybe you have to go to a good one...

Let me tell you my experience and maybe it will gave you some things to think about...

Since I don't know your full situation I'm going to explain mine and you will see if there is a connection, since we are both passing the same simptoms...

What the counsultant told me, was that when he found out that he could not have kids (he really loves kids) he applied a self defense mechanism... because he think he was a lesser men... I agree it was not the best one... heck me myself I think now would drink as hell... but he decided to prove his manhood to see if he could pick up another women... and frankly I beleive him... I can post wehy later... So be able to get a new women was part to prove himself his manhood...

I strongly sugest that you do some thinking and some research in when all this mess started...

Also about the kids stuff he went to an urologist and he recomended a product called proxeed.. www.proxeed.com
Maybe you will go to one and aske him about it?
I don't know how destroyed is ur husband spemr but mine's is very awfull, so I'm willing to give my last shots to him and to this and also ICSI...

Of course I'm not blinded to se all the other real reasons and I'm willing to put in practive all the things of this site...
But all that was just for today... I will keep you posted,

Take care!