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hopeful60
Junior Member
Member # 25793

posted February 22, 2003 12:55 AM
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Hi Wifey. I am new here and you sound like more than just a wifey! You have a lot of good things to say. Maybe you have some advice for me. My DDay (still figuring out the anacronyms....) was June 2001. Through a very bizarre situation, I discovered that my husband was having 2 affairs at the same time. My H is 42. One with a co-worker in a different state/same company for 2 years...very sexual....very emotional(very serious....she is 36) and then supposedly the one affair ended and he began another with a woman 15 years younger right in his own office. The 27 year old actually called our home once at 3am crying for my H. He is the CEO of a large company and seemed to be on a path of self-destruction. H is very succesful and has a major drinking problem. That June 2001 was our 19th anniversary and I did not have one single clue that anything was wrong in our marriage. We had what appeared to be the fairytale marriage. College sweethearts, 3 gorgeous kids, everything! We have been going to MC for almost 2 years and I still just don't understand. I am so disappointed in him. I do not respect his choices nor do I trust him but I still love him. How strange is that? I often think that he has an illness. I think that it has only very recently dawned on him the pain that this has caused our entire extended family and friends. Our 2 older children know, it is such a mess. He claims to have started his serious affair because he felt that I did not love or appreciate him. He also thought that I was having an affair, which I was not at all. I just cannot believe that someone can live like that for 2 years lying to wife and 3 adoring children and to go to church, etc. etc. What do they think? He is in deep therapy now and discovering difficult things about his childhood. It is sad to watch. How can I have this compassion and love for someone who just cast me aside like trash. I want to leave him so badly but I just can't seem to do it. I love him, love our family, etc. but it is all so ugly. The OW was just suddenly fired and now I think my H is sad because he feels responsible for f'ing up her life as well. It is painful to observe. Also, all of the sudden, I have come to this painful realization that a lot of people know about this. I can tell by the way people look at my eyes. I am past the deep serious pain of the first year, now it is all becoming more clear and I am more of an observer these days and I am still in awe of this situation that we find ourselves in. One day I want to leave him and run away as far as possible and the next i want to stay and recommit and trust again. Did you experience this terrible ambiguity? I can't stand it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll reply next!

Hopeful60...Will do my best to help some.

The affair which was in another state was likely for him completely and totally separated from his everyday life. This let him compartmentlize his relationship with her into a very defined and limited area of his life. It is truly as if he had two lives, one with you and his family where he was the man you thought him to be...and one with this OW where he cast himself in a new role in a play where he wrote the script. He could be "anyone" he wanted to be for the limited amount of time he was there, always knowing that he'd return home and shake off that role and be the man with W and family who he needed and loved.

When that affair went south...for whatever reason, you didn't explain, then he felt as if he'd lost that escape clause, he had to be CEO of the company, the husband, the father, the supporter and career man ONLY. So, he fell right back into looking around for another role in which to cast himself, one where he could once again be someone who doesn't have any bills to pay, no school plays to attend or feel guilty for not attending, no lawn to cut, no trash to take out.

The fact that he has a large drinking problem is a major issue. Is he getting treatment for this? Does he admit to his drinking problem and want to address it for real? Does he admit to his drinking problem, not want to actually get help for it, but only as something to misdirect your attention so that he won't have to deal with other issues? (My H also had drinking issues, which he often used as an excuse to keep me from digging into other areas where he didn't want to do any work on.)

He's in counseling now, is this for those childhood issues? Is it for drinking? Is he depressed...more then situational depression? Has he been battling depression for a few years? Is he on medication?

My H also had a horrid childhood, much emotional and physical abuse. He's been on anti-d meds for the majority of our marriage, but they had stopped being effective before and during his affair. He is on new meds now, a combination, which has done wonders for his outlook.

While to some extent I did at times wonder what in the world I was doing by trying to save my marriage, I really was pretty well committed from the get-go to try. There were days, where I wondered if we could succeed, but we're still here together...still learning valuable lessons. No way to know the future and what it holds for us, but I am and will always be glad that we rebuilt and hopefully, we've built something this time around which will stand for however long we live.

I am sure your H is sad about this OW being fired from her position. He involved her in something he had no right to involve her in...and she is also paying a price. BUT...she knew going in that what she was doing did have a cost, maybe she didn't realize just how high a cost it would be, but that should not concern YOU. You're H SHOULD feel guilty about all the damage his "extra" lives have caused. He's hurt many people! And he didn't have to take that path.

How are your children taking all this? Are they being supportive of you and their father's attempt to rebuild? WS rarely if ever think about what other damage they will cause when having an affair. They seldom really even think of the pain and sorrow their spouse must deal with...as they almost always believe that "they are different...they won't get caught". Not their brightest thoughts! When they are caught, and not only is the spouse going through h*ll on earth, so too are their children. It's like a cold hard slap in the face, one they really would like to run and hide from. (Can't say I blame them, if I'd been such an @$$, I'd want to hide, too.)

Hope this helps in some small way. I know I asked a lot of questions, sorry, but there is so much that we can't know in each situation...and the more information we have to work with, the better our replies MAY be.

If you've got any questions for me...ask away!

Good Luck!

Hi Wifey. Love your name. H is in counselling because I said I would leave him if he did not get help. I think he is depressed. He refuses to acknowledge a drinking problem even though he has had a DWI. There is alcoholism in his family on both sides. He was not physically abused (that I am aware of) but I would say emotionally and physically negelected. His parents never allowed him to have feelings or God forbid, ever show them to anyone. He had top notch education, sports, etc. even at one time had political aspirations. I think he lost it with the birth of our 3rd child. We married very young, right out of college. His work environment is Party Party Party ! All of the guys in his office are wild and many unfaithful and proud of it. It appears as though it is a badge of courage they must earn. These are smart, successful, well-educated men with gorgeous wives and children. I do not understand it at all. I think my H fought it for a long time and basically was weakened and with the help of alcohol, fell into a relationship where travel on both ends allowed them to be together about once a month for 2 years. Nice places too....Vail, Phoenix, LA, NYC, Chicago, Boston, Baltimore, DC, etc. I say to my H "Is there a city in the US that you didn't have her?" I am from NYC and I never want to go there again. They met up there often.

My H is only now beginning to open up about it. He started his own therapy in August of 2002. It is helping a lot. I have been in therapy since June 2001 and we started serious marriage counselling in August 2002. Things are definitely improving. I still do not understand affair #2, but your answer seems to make sense. It was so stupid and so dangerous though. That girl suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth, the 27 year old who lived not far from our home. It is like she never existed. I often wonder if he paid her off or something.

Anyway, I am quite certain that both affairs have completely ended, altho affair #1 took quite a while I think for him to end all contact. I am fearful tho that they have spoken as he now seems so upset that she has lost her job. I do wonder if they have spoken. He says that they have not. I feel that he has no reason to lie to me anymore. Is this naive of me?

Our two older children know about this to some level and are sad, quiet and emotional. My H does not like to talk to them about it, but I do. My youngest would not understand altho she tells me she has nightmares that we are getting divorced. It is so sad.

The saddest of all is watching my H slowly realize what has happened to our fairytale existence. I have come to grips with it and I sometimes still get really sad, but I am really trying hard to move on. I have promised my H to stop "wallowing" and "interrogating" altho I must admit I have a voracious appetite for details. Why is that?

Just for your info, my H and I are both 43 and we have 3 kids 17, 13 and 10. This June will be our 21st anniversary. We had planned to go to Tahiti for our 20th, instead, we had a huge fight in a fancy hotel which ended with me running to an attorney! We have actually come a long way since then. Hopefully this anniversary will be better.

You know, like you, I was fairly committed right from the start to save my marriage. I always thought that if my H ever did that to me I would kick him out in 10 seconds. It's so funny how this gets to your heart. I almost think that I love him even more now than before. Is that possible? How warped is that?

Gotta run, thank you very much for your comments, everything helps. Do you have a psych background or something? You are so knowledgeable. Thanks.

Hopeful

Our need for details often tie into our need to reclaim that period of time. We feel as if we were left out of the loop, that what we thought was going on in our own lives turns out not to have been going on at all. It can also be a form that is punishment of the WS (not good, but happens), it can also be a form of punishing ourselves and also keeping the title of "victim", a title which can be very hard to give up (equally not good).

There are some details we need to heal, what they are are different for each of us. Some want a blow by blow description, some want only an overview, most fall somewhere in between. You just need to be very careful that what you want to know is something that is really needed for healing...not something in which to punish yourself and/or your H with...avoiding details which will cause added triggers (those things which bring the affair to mind) is a goal to reach for.

Naive is NOT something that most BS are ever again! So, no, I do not think you are naive. If you feel that there is NC, then it isn't likely to be going on. The biggest stumbling block to an affair is a watchful and aware spouse.

I think that if you ran a poll, you'd discover that 99% of spouse's believed that they would walk right out the door if they discovered their H or W were involved in an affair...yet, very few marriages end because of an affair. True, there are many that can't overcome the stress and hard work that rebuilding brings and that causes the breakdown of the marriage...but we often find that when faced with throwing something which has been so worthwhile, so good...away...we know we have to at least try to save it.

psych background????? ME!!! No, sadly it's from experience. I did almost EVERYTHING wrong when H's affair was discovered. I learned my lessons the hard way! I made it so much more difficult on myself and my H...it's a wonder we did survive (and we each still have all our hair! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

I've been married twice, I've been betrayed by both my first H and my second. First H was an abuser which is another issue, but I walked away from that marriage without a backward glance, with two small girls, no money, no job...and it was the right decision. My second H is a completely different issue, we do have a good marriage, we always have had one, even during his affair...it was worth fighting for...and I am so very glad that WE stayed to fight for it.

Hey Wifey....your messages are always helpful. You are a wonderful woman. You give me so much hope and your words are encouraging. I think you are right about the need for details concept. I have all of my personal calendars from those 2 years and with the help of an awesome private investigator, I have cell phone records, bank records (private accounts that I was unaware of) and credit card statements. I used to sit for hours at the kitchen table while kids are at school desperately trying to piece it all together, which I have. At least I think I know all that I want to know or all that I can handle at this point in time. I don't feel the need to search anymore. Your piece of advice about not knowing any more triggers is so valid. If I find out about one more city in the US, there won't be anywhere that I can go without a trigger! (LOL) Do you feel that you can joke about all this a bit now? Some days I can and some days I still cry. I have been feeling very strong lately and am so much less reactive. We don't have these huge yelling, screaming, crying fights anymore. We just seem sad a lot together, and do a lot of hugging and holding and touching. We have put the focus back to the basics. We are kind of "nesting" again. We work on the home, work with the kids' homework, etc. I think that the two of us have been so self-absorbed that we have neglected our children and I feel badly about that. I feel like for the past 2 years, I have been a terrible Mother. I wish I could have been stronger. I do not understand the people who can turn a blind eye to this and go on with life. I know people that do it. They pretend that this stuff doesn't exist in their lives. I am happy that I tackled it head on and have shared with my kids that life is not perfect. I tell them every day that Dad and I are still trying to make things work. Like you, I am very happy that I have not thrown in the towel. Thanks for your words of encouragement.