I started dating a man last August who said he had been divorced for a year and it was definitely over. He lied. He was separated and only separated for a month or so. I didn’t find out till several months into the dating relationship. It ended up while we were dating he went back to his wife.

He has a 5 year old son and his wife is an incredible lady. I think he made the right choice. If his wife finds out that he basically cheated on her and that I am pregnant it could put their new start in jeopardy. I couldn’t go through with the abortion Should I just disappear and never tell him? I know he won’t want the baby or have anything to do with it and I don’t want to be the cause of any marriage problems or have him hating the baby. Please let me know if you have been in this situation or if you have any advice. I don’t know what the right thing to do is.

I am most worried about his wife and little boy. They are both completely innocent and I guess that’s why I'm wondering if I should just disappear. I've read a lot on the marriage builders site and I've read the book. I believe so strongly it the No Contact rule if they ever have a chance to be happy. The affair ended the day I found out it was an affair and not a date and I did make it clear no matter what happens in his marriage I am NOT an option for him. If I tell him about the pregnancy, I am the one who will be the cause of all his families pain and how can she heal if she has to see the baby? and how will it affect his son? I am trying so hard to convince myself to just have an abortion and never tell anybody but it's not the baby's fault. Please help.. What would you do?
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I am new to discussion boards so I'll post in two or three areas and hope someone can help.

<small>[ February 23, 2003, 09:31 AM: Message edited by: scmagic2003 ]</small>

Hello,

I take the view that you should certainly tell him and you should also contact a lawyer to understand the legal obligations that he has to your child. The OM knew what he was doing and lying to you. In addition, his wife deserves to know the truth about your relationship and the baby since it has an emotional and financial impact on her. Your child has the right to be partly taken care of financially by the OM since it is his responsibility morally and legally.
Please contact a lawyer or a legal aid organization as soon as possible. I wish you luck.

I am sorry for your situation. I agree totally with Brynap. You must get the support you deserve from this thoughtless coward. And his wife has the right,yes, the right , to know what he has done. He will do it again.He MUST be stopped.
Get a lawyer. It's Truth or Consequences time for him. If you do not do it now, he will move on to his next victim.
He must be forced to live with the consequences of his foolishness,thoughtlessness and stupidity.
I feel soo much for you. I know you must be in incredible pain.You sound like such a thoughtful person.I(we) are here for you.You know what to do.
Please keep us in the loop. We are her for you.

Another vote for bryanp's post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am most worried about his wife and little boy. They are both completely innocent </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As is your babe to be! You need to take into accounts the rights that your child has now and will have throughout the years. He/She has a right to support from BOTH parents both $$ and emotional. (Altho, of course, you can't force the emotional support from anyone who doesn't wish to give it.)

If you choose to not have this child...that is YOUR right...but don't let what this man might or might not do be a deciding factor in your decision. If you want this child...then have it! If you feel that the time is wrong for you to have a child, then that too is your choice. Do what you feel is best.

What would I do? I haven't a clue, since I don't know the complete situation. From what little you've posted, I'd contact a lawyer and go from there.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and advice. To hear each story meant a lot and gave me some direction. I have decided that the most compassionate and honest course of action is to tell him and then have no contact. Since it is my choice to keep the baby I will not force child support or do anything that will cause hardship on his family. I support his discision to work things out with his wife and so it is not my place to tell her about the affair or the baby.

I hope he finds it in himself to be honest with her and seek counseling and although I believe in honesty I do not believe it is my place to be the one to tell her. If he choses to help or be involved with the baby it will have to be through a neutral third party or his wife. I will not have his wife suffering because he sees me when he picks up the baby. More than likely he is going to want to just put his life back together and have nothing to do with the baby. But at least when the child is older I will know that I did not keep a secret from the baby's father. The father is free to walk away and work out his life. Do you think this sounds fair and honest?

I can only imagine the pain and suffering affairs have caused each of you. I wish all of you every happiness. Thank you for supporting the "other woman". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />