I thank you all for the wonderful responses.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You may want to consider going into plan B, if the pain is too much for you to endure and your love for her is starting to die faster and faster. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not to the point where my love is dying. Although every time I talk to her, my hope and spirit feel crushed, i can usually recover in a few hours.

Make no mistake, I am still madly in love with my W. I am upset, angry, hurt, and betrayed by what she's doing. I know it's going to be hard to put things back together (if she decides to give it a shot). There's a LOT of trust she'll have to earn again. The love, I still have for her, but the trust is basically gone. I do believe that if she comes back and decides to put the effort back into our marriage, I feel certain that with the grace of God and his strength, I'll be able to forgive her... Forgetting may be another matter entirely, but I know I can offer forgiveness and love.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd bring it up to W next time we talked. Tell her that questions are beginning...and you are uncomfortable with having to try and find excuses as to where she is, who she is living with...etc. What does she want you to do when her friends/family calls looking for her?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have asked her. The only answer she's ever given is "I Don't Know". But last night, I found out the truth is already spreading. My MIL let my W's uncle know, and he had suspected it for a week already. Another of my W's aunts called our apt. looking for my W, and when I said she wasn't there I was asked point blank "Where did she move to?"...

The way my wife played it, she let her family know when she moved out of our apartment and in with her parents. Then one day, she's not living with her parents any more, so they all naturally assume she got over it and moved back in with me. The fact they havn't heard from her in almost 2 weeks now has led most of them to guess that she didn't come home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you live with knowing what your wife has done. Right now your only thinking of your needing/wanting her back soooo bad that nothing matters, IT will matter to you later. Be sure you can deal with the betrayal, lies and the trailer park/jerry springer show marriage you are so wanting to save. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not just thinking about needing/wanting her back. This past week, I've been quite calm and rational in thinking about things (only broken into tears a handfull of times). I know it will be hard, and that it may not even be possible. She has hurt me more deeply and severly than I ever thought a human could withstand. As much as I want to, I may not be able to forgive what she's done.

But I can't give up until I give it my best. I'm not going to just say "It'll be too hard, let's just divorce".. If she comes back, and we try to work things out without success, then I'll be able to move on knowing I gave it my best. If I just drop the marriage without that try, though, I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Yes, I'm angry with my W. It sickens me that she could do something like this, and CONTINUE to do it when I know. I wonder what happened to her, to this stranger who used to be my W. I always thought we knew eachother better than anyone else on the face of this world. My own mother said "If anyone would have told me last month that she would do something like this, I would have slapped them across the face and called them a baldfaced liar". No one believed she would ever do this... It's got us all feeling lost.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be sure to encourage her mom to be somewhat supportive of her daughter. She doesn't have to approve of her actions, but as you said, she loves her. Her parents need to make sure they are still available for her to turn to, you do NOT want her to have that OM be the only one she thinks she can depend on while her confusion lasts.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have tried to encourage my WW to talk to her mother, and likewise told my MIL that she should put her daughter first if it comes to choosing between us. My MIL says that her daughter has completly closed her out, and pretty much refuses to talk about anything. MIL wants to talk to her, to get her to open up, but my WW already knows there's no way her mother will ever accept this. The same for the rest of her family. They are all very religious (church leaders, elders, and sundayschool teachers). Her family will never except OM, no matter what, as long as she sees him while we are still married. And living with him like this?!?!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The more people you tell about her A, the more people you will be ashamed around. I wish i would have never told a soul. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, sometimes I wish I never told anyone. Although, if I had kept it to myself, I'd probably still be laying in the floor, crying uncontrollably with absolutly no chance of a rational thought. It's only with the support and prayers of my family (and my WW's family) that I'm able to activly try and rebuild this marriage.

I'm on my 3rd relationship book, spent countless hours on this site hearing everyone elses stories, and spent a lot of time just refocusing myself and reflecting on our marriage. Without support, I would never have the strength to be here today.

My mother has already commented on the "ashamed" part. She's afraid that if me and my WW to work things out, my W will be too ashamed to come visit them any more. This will be even more heartbreaking to my parents if/when we have children. My mother would fall apart if she couldn't see her grandkids. I know that my WW has always been very strongly commited to family, and would never keep her kids away from their Grandparents (that's why we moved back here near family after graduating college instead of going to a bigger city).

But, like I said, that's what I used to know about my WW. Today, it feels like I barely know her anymore.

Reading your responses really gives me strength, just to know there are people out there with the concern to comment and share their ideas. You've all helped to uplift my heart and keep me pushing through this mess. Once again, I thank each and every one of you, and beg you to continue with the ideas and responses.

Please, remember me in your prayers.
"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"

JohnnyB,

I have been in the same spot as you. The main factor that makes these A's die is Reality. Let me say it again 'REALITY'. You may not realize it but your wife and the OM have just introduced a little reality into their relationship in that they will have to face the everyday pressures of living together, as long as you do not pick up the slack and help her live in her fantasy world she will begin to see some of the same problems in her new relationship that may have given her the motivation to start an A in the first place. This is why you must work on yourself.

At this time work on yourself, and forget about trying to be a husband. I assume you LOVE her and want to recover but you must work on yourself.

As far as telling people about the A.
When people call your home looking for your wife, simply tell them she no longer lives here, with no other explanation, let her do the explaining. Yes she may lie to those that inquire but these lies build a great deal of guilt and this will also have a negative effect on the fantasy.

Remember this one last fact. All paths at this point are equally painfull, but you will recover one way or the other. Do not let you emotions control your actions. I know it is hard but you can do it.

By the way my wife and I are well on the path to recovery. Both myself and my wife are much better people today than we were 4 years ago and our marriage is now a true marriage with loving feelings for each other guiding our progress.

I hope and pray that someday we'll be in the same situation beentheredonethat. I look forward to the day my wife decides to give our marriage another try. To let me show her how serious I really am about our love for eachother.

Actually, at this point, I'd be happy just to talk to her on a regular basis. The lonelyness is killing me. We're only 2½ weeks from the beginning of this trip, and the emotional rollercoaster keeps me going up and down.. I feel strong, then weak, then lonely, then sad... the emotions never stay the same for long.

And this will probably go on for a few months?!?!?!?!?!?! Lord, please give me strength.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by beentheredonethathatedit:
<strong>JohnnyB,
By the way my wife and I are well on the path to recovery. Both myself and my wife are much better people today than we were 4 years ago and our marriage is now a true marriage with loving feelings for each other guiding our progress.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are the BS, how in your right mind can you think your doing well? Because your WS tells you so? Because your arent fighting? How can you tell that your BS isnt lying to you? Your BS lied to you before and you didnt know it, possibly for years and was sleeping with strangers BUT now she/she finds TRUE love, the kind that lasts forever?

If you are a BS you will never ever know the truth, reality check. Until you are dead and an unknown entity shows you the light, you will never know if your WS was honest and is the person you think she/he is. Small lies are acceptable, Huge lies/broken, promises/life atlering people destroying decisions and laying naked in bed with another person while being married requires a serious mental defect and charecter flaw, most likely mental illness. Accepting your WS requires the understanding that love/commitment/self respect is ONE sided, it does not go both ways.

Bog...You may be right that we can't know what's going on in the heart of our spouse but if this is true...then it is always true even if infidelity has never touched our lives. We never really KNOW what is in another's heart...we do at some point in recovery have to risk our own hearts and trust...else there is no recovery. Peace!

JohnnyB,

Ive been where you are, although im not religious at all BUT I had visions of my wife having sex with a stranger she never met when she was on a trip to meet her family in another country, she actually bought a ticket and met him in a country she has never even been before and slept with him 4 hours after she got off the plane. She met him on the internet and had a 7 month EA and met him and stayed with him for 2 weeks when she was suppose to be visiting her family in Russia. She took NO precautions and NO protection. My WW didnt get any diseases or pegnant BUT these WS's dont have the mentality to think like rational humans. They truely make their own rules at a whim and nothing rational applys to them. I cant explain if WS's were born freeky or if they just change? I wish i knew too.

You need to atleast explain to your WW that she needs to wear protection, your WW is not the person you think she is, she does not know right from wrong and has zero respect for herself and others. I can be sure though that she will get pregnant or a disease most likely and when that happens there is little chance at getting back toghether.

Remember this OM isnt a good person and either is your wife, it will not last and WILL end, it always does because sooner or later they will cheat on eachother or when the arguments starts one of them will realize that things arent right between them.

I have an Ex-Wife that cheated on me as well (i think but not sure) as did my current wife. My Ex-Wife got re-married (7 years ago)and has a child with him that is 7 years old. They are getting divorced right now. People that cheat/lie and and do filthy things dont stay in relationships forever.

Somtimes you might think YOU did somthing to cause your wife to bed another man and forget about you. You did nothing to cause her to do the things she is doing. You may have been mean and or showed her little attention etc. EVERYONE does this at some time.

I believe the only reason my wife is with me now is because the OM was horrible in bed and never once satisefied her, she says it was basically over the first time she had sex with him because he had no intention of even trying to please her (i have seen the OM and hes very unattractive and very "peewee herman like", to tell you very honestly every woman that sees him says "OH MY GOD! hes gross looking" and cant see how anyone would want ever cheat on their husband for him) only himself, but there was an emotional attachment between them. BUT my WW thinks hes cute?
When i saw the picture of the OM i actually felt better because he was so laughable as a man. BUT i lost more respect for my wife because she cant even see the OM for what he is? (in fairness the OM didnt know she was a married woman, but tried to persure her after I told him she was married to me and threatend him to stay away from my wife)

You might consider contacting the OM and explain that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get him out of YOUR wifes life. I would atleast like to know my wife would be willing to do what it takes to win me back BUT i know she wouldnt (just some nice thoughts) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ugh. No kids, eh? I'd get out.

For starters, I'd refuse to be a part of the deception. Friends and family should be told. If I were you, I'd move on with life as much as possible. Most people are not attracted to weakness. So, let her see your strength. And, let her see his weaknesses. By exposing this thing and forcing them to live in the real world, with real people under normal circumstances, she might begin to see his weaknesses or at least the reality of who he is, rather than the fantasy.

You sound like a very loving guy. Everything you're going through is going to make you a stronger husband - if not for her, for some lucky woman. So believe that and remember - you get to make some of the decisions here too!

I believe a chunk of their fantasy has been shattered.

The story I got from my MIL is that the OM's sales manager cornered him sometime this past week and asked him straight out what was going on. Now their entire office knows, and I get the impression that my WW is looking for another job.

Anything that puts a strain on their relationship HAS to be good. And now, their co-workers know and are treating them differently. Even if one of them goes somewhere else, the other will stay and still have rough days at work (and hopefully bring that frustration into the relationship).

Score 1 for the home team!

I'm not decieveing people... I came to the conclusion that I won't volunteer any information, but if someone asks, I'll give it to em.

You reached a fair decision one you can live with! Sounds good!

Yup, that was a "home run" for "the home team". Now...wonder how long it takes them to get three strikes??? Pressure is building...the faster it builds the better!!!

Good Luck!

It seems I learn more and more each day.

Last night, I met my in-law's out for dinner. We had a nice meal and discussed things going on. Through reliable sources (my WW's aunt), they learned some new info on the OM. Specifically, where he lives and his true age (38). Again, my WW is 24 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

They drove by his place before coming to dinner, and their description was less than 'nice'. The guy owns an apartment built overtop of a Pawn Shop in a pretty 'dumpy' neighborhood... They know it's the right place, because my WW's car was parked in the parking lot.

There goes the though she may have been attracted to his big, nice house.

I feel a little bit better knowing that he lives in a not-so-good apartment. Compared to our 2br apartment, it sounds like a complete dump. Perhaps another something to help her decide to come home soon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I went to a new church yesterday morning. I've been afraid to go back to our regular church, due to facing all the people who would ask where my WW is. I don't feel like spreading the story to 100 fellow church members. So I picked a church my friend said was really good and went there.

When I went back last night, I rededicated myself to Jesus. It feels so much better to have my spiritual life in the right again. I need every bit of strenght I can muster to wait this A out, and God is the best source I know of.

No one better to have beside you, supporting and holding you up!

You do have to wonder how people get so far into their fantasy that they can't see how they are "trading downward"...but life just doesn't seem to work this way.

Glad you are on such good terms with IL's...the more support you get from all your loved ones, the more encouragement, courage, and strength you'll have to draw on.

Good Luck!

As I just posted over in the Plan A forum..

Last night I drove by "their" apartment. Learned the address over the weekeng through my Inlaws. The place is a complete dump. Completly below the standard of living my WW and I have always held.

So I know she's not after his money.. I know she's not after his house.. And hopefully his lack of these 2 things will help strain their relationship. I don't want, nor intend, to LB or push her. I'm plan A'ing the best I know how.

It's just hard to hold on KNOWING that every night when I put down one of my books on saving relationships, turn off the lights and close my eyes to sleep... all alone... knowing that she's not alone... I feel so hurt and so furious anytime I think about them being together. That's my wife.. He has NO right to be with her.. and her with him.

I still love her deeply, and want her to come home so we can work on this. But I know the longer this goes on, the more chance that the anger is going to overtake the love and I'll eventually come to hate her for it if this goes on too long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I don't want to hate my wife. And I don't want to loose her.

I can't understand how all those tiny mistakes we both made led her into the arms of another man. This all started over an argument as to how long to wait to have babies for crying out loud!!!!! And in the end, I agreed with her and said I was ready to start whenever she was!!!!!! SHE WON THE BLASTED ARGUMENT and now does this?!?!?!

Today, I feel confused about it all. I know tomorrow I'll probably feel better again (or maybe worse). Yesterday it wasn't all so confusing.. The day before, it was kinda consufusing. This rollercoaster really has a lot of up's and downs to it. I wish I understood more.