I just found out about a week ago that my wife was having an "affair" on the internet. I've read some of the Q&A's page concerning this form of infidelity but didn't see any similar to the condition I'm in.
Let's just say it hasn't stopped at the computer screen or phone. My wife, upon confession of her affair, stated that she no longer loved me and hadn't loved me for some time. Since then she has moved out of the house with my four year old daughter to stay with her mother living in the next state where she awaits her income tax return to move to Canada where her "lover" is.
I have a couple of questions concerning this, but first let me say that I love my wife with all of her heart. This past week has been the most horrible time for me to cope with. I have gone without sleep and have not been eating properly since all of this was brought out. I am just barely hanging on here. I miss her and my daughter so much and pray for them to return home quickly.
First of all, she claims to no longer love me because she's in love with "him". How is that possible? I'd say they've been talking for about a month now and until just recently with her move to her mother's home, she didn't even know what the guy looked like. They had only talked online or on the phone while I was at work. How can you claim to love someone you never even met or seen?
Secondly (praying for a miracle here), after continuous weeping and pouring my heart out to her, she leaves anyway saying, "I'm sorry, but my heart belongs to someone else now. I don't love you anymore." Is there any hope for saving my marriage? I have done and said everything I could possibly think of to try and keep her home. But she just says, "it's too late. I don't love you anymore," in other words, over and over again. What can I say? What can I do? I am lost here. And she doesn't appear to want to do any bending at all. She's already mentioning divorce. Someone please help me. What can I do to save my marriage and family?
Thank you so much for any replies/suggestions you may have to share with me. May you be blessed for your thoughtfulness and caring.

Hi I am sorry you are hear. One word of advice get a lawyer quickly I don't think she can go to another country just like that with your daughter.

I think your right. I think that is also why she is pressing the divorce issue. My daughter is actually my step-daughter. Does this matter?

DWilliams-
My H's affair began on the internet as well - they did have two meetings - one was for four days. We are in Canada (I think that's obvious by my name) and she is in the northern US.

My husband decided he was not in love with me anymore as well - he was completely in love with her...period. In fact - even when the A was over he still struggled with his feelings. Just letting you know that it may seem impossible now, but you can recover from this.

Right now your W is not thinking clearly, and I do suspect that no she just couldn't take your child away to another country. I think that consulting a lawyer would be a smart idea. Your W needs to see what this will do to your daughter and that you are not willing to have your daughter taken away to another country. You can do this in a non-LB'ing non threatening way. My H stayed initially for our kids - he was clear about that.

Have you read any books? After the Affair by Janis A Spring is awesome - even tho your W's A is still on. Also, Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. Would your wife consider counselling? My H reluctantly had counselling with me at first and it did help to have a third party as a sounding board and mediator.

Keep us posted.

Oh, just read she's your step-child - well, not sure about any of that. Did you formally adopt her??

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

No, I haven't got the chance to read any of the material I've seen suggested as of yet. And no, I had thaught about adopting my step-daughter at one time, but wasn't ever able to carry through with it due to finances.
I guess part of the reason I haven't tried any material on aiding marriages is because I don't see my wife ever having a change of heart. My wife has become very bitter towards me any time I try to spaek with her on our marriage. It's not that I'm giving up. I will never give up on our marriage. But she is so determined to leave for Canada knowing what pain it's causing me. And besides, How would I get her to fall in love with me again? She says part of her will always love me, but she is no longer "in love" with me. She may come back eventually. I just don't know if I can handel going years without her as some others have with their spouses. And the thaught of her going to Canada haunts me with images of her unfaithfulness, even though I've never seen the guy. Is this normal? I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't include that part of it, but it's so hard for me to imagine my wife sharing something so wonderful in which we shared together with another man. I may need to see professional help on this. This has been physically tearing me down as well as emotionally.

Hanora:
Thank you for replying. No I don't know where she'll be staying in Canada. She says I can see my daughter anytime I want but how often will I be able to make that trip? Slim to never. And also, doesn't she realize me seeing her will only place another gash within my heart?
And yes, Im sure her "lover" is aware of circumstances like you've mentioned. But he doesn't care. If he had cared he would've tried to give my wife advice as to how to become happy within our marriage instead of trying to take her away. I know the Lord says to forgive thine enemies but (forgive me, Lord) I hate him. I hate him something terrible. Going back to your point on the legalities of staying in Canada: I think part of this is why she's pressing for a divorce. Heck, she was so cold to tell me that even if they didn't work out, that they may marry in order for her to stay in the country. I just can't believe this is happening to me. All that I cherish everso deeply in my life is being ripped away.

She is making decisions on impulse and based on heightend emotions and fantasy - just know that this is NOT about YOU, even tho you are hurting to your very core.
I feel that the fantasy will wear off once she realizes the logistics of moving with her daughter to Canada. It won't be easy for her to do this. The bubble will burst big time when she has to deal with Immigration issues. BTW - you are the child's step-Dad - is her biological Father still around? Just a question...I'm not sure of your situation, but he may have something to say about this.

DWilliams...First...Sorry you're here...but this is a great site to get support and information...READ!

Second...see a lawyer TODAY and find out your rights. The step-daughter business may make it harder for legal rights, just don't know...if step-daughter's bio father is still in the picture, if he gives a sh%t, he needs to know what his xW is planning, he may have the legal grounds to keep her from moving the child out of the country at least in the short-term.

Third...The attraction of internet affairs is the fantasy they involve. While it is true that a few (very few) relationships have some staying power after actually meeting the person you've become involved with over the net...most end up disappointed and running for the hills. I actually think that her meeting this man and seeing him might be the fastest way for her fantasy bubble to burst or his; as he's in just as big a fantasy as she is.

Fourth...you protect your rights, you protect your assests, you do what you need to do for you! Yes, do go to a counselor, find a good one, one who you feel comfortable with being open and honest. Nothing wrong with trying to find a pro-marriage counselor at this stage...be sure that the counselor is aware of your goals (self-discovery and reclaiming of marriage). If you and first counselor do not hit it off...keep looking till you find one you can connect to. A good counselor is worth their weight in gold, a bad one is worse then no counselor at all. Don't give up!

There is still a good chance of reclaiming your marriage. Right now, W is not thinking of anything but of this fantasy relationship she's dreamed up in her own head. Nothing is negative in this fantasy, there are no daily chores, no real live person you have to live with who has the clay feet and burps after a meal. Give this some time to go the way of most affairs, and actually this type of affair usually ends faster once the ending begans, then those who began face to face, not over a monitor and phone line.

However, this type of affair may hang on longer then regular affairs because by it's very nature it is fantasy, as long as it only stays in the cyberworld...that's why the sooner they actually are face to face...the better. jmho

Good Luck!

I know everyone's probably thinking,"Man, he just goes on and on." Got another question though. I do not agree nor do I want this divorce she intends to seek. Do I try at best to keep her happy? What I mean is, like recently, she asked for me to bring her the mariage certificate to prove her identity before going to Canada. Do I give it to her? Of course I don't want her to go, but if I say no, she will do it anyway and keep me from seeing my daughter as she has already threatened. If I do it, I'm aiding in her wishes to leave. Which is right and which is wrong?

and yet, another post: I have no hope for me in the rights regarding my daugher (or step). My wife and I met when she was pregnant with her. And my wife neither put me as the father nor does she have enough information to know of his whereabouts. She only knows his first name and that he was in the military. So, hopes for obtaining rights are seemingly useless.
Thanks for all the replies from everyone. Please, continue to post. Your opinions do help. Thank You

Just echoing JAW - protect yourself right away. As long as this fantasy is alive with your W, nothing you say to her will be accepted. (Otherwise known as the "fog" -some thicker than others)

Show her your strength - be the best you can be for your own survival.

Yes - go directly to Plan A - read up about it. The important thing is that Plan A is not to make you a doormat! It won't feel "fair" at times - believe me..but it is so worth it.

Hang in there - keep coming here for support and all with the dang questions you need to - no apologies necessary!

<small>[ February 25, 2003, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: Alberta ]</small>

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

A marriage cert. is NOT proof of ID. Something fishie there. Besides if she wants one, she can get a copy from the courthouse where you were married. (If you want to send it to her, since she asked...make a copy...don't send the one you have.)

See that lawyer! If the child was born during the marriage...I THINK that makes you the legal father anyway! If not, then I agree, it's likely not going to be anything you can use...but then again...who knows, you've been the only father to that daughter...I hope you've got some rights. You can also do a search on your state custody laws and see what it says.

Good Luck!

Check out your state to see if 'alienation of affection' are grounds for D. Also who will be financially responsible (including medical/dental/vision/life insurance coverage) for your D?

Seeing a lawyer will give you your options. Better to be prepared.

IMHO, your W is in the fog and big time. You need to protect yourself, even your W and your D. It may mean letting her go but don't give into her threats. When she threatens you ask her if she really means it and then act as if she does. She will try hard to make you angry and blow up at her. You also have no idea what her mind is being filled with. The OM could be a person with a criminal record. I recommend checking him out. Let your MIL know and ask for her help. You can do a people search. Do you have access to the e-mails or phone#?

L.

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

You poor man. I would hug you if I could. I know how this feels, though I am sure the child issue brings new hieghts to this turmoil.

A week b4 I left, my husband took off to Longview (2hrs away) for no good reason and stayed overnight....after he'd been talking to an older woman there online that seemed VERY interested in meeting for a sex date. He claims he was alone the whole time. I did not believe him.

Anyways. As for how to get her back...I totally understand thinking she may come back but not being able to handle the idea of her sleeping with someone else in the meantime...I have the same thoughts, so you're really not being weird there. I have to say, that I agree with everyone that she "loves" the fantasy..the picture he's painted of himself for her online. Please believe me...they are NEVER the same in real life. Hell, I met my stbx online. See how crappy that turned out. He may decide to hold up this image for a little while. And she may buy into it for a little bit. But with residency issues...and schooling....hm. I think it won't last long.
He does not love her, and she doesn't love him. Plus, certainly the little girl will miss you, and say so.

But you want something for b4 all this infidelity takes place. She's really deep into her denial, though. Maybe you weren't "attentive" enuf or got too comfortable...or maybe she was like my stbx, and no matter how perfect you tried to act, it wasn't good enuf because of an addiction to the internet fantasy. These are her issues... probably because she needs a self-esteem boost....new relationships seem to work well for that. So any form of reconsiliation may stem from that. Just an idea. Something to make her feel young and beautiful, or to show her that you think she is. flowers are always a good step. poetry you have written. Love letters, candies she likes, ect...romantic momentos/stories from times you've spent together, or reminders of times you two fought a common enemy together.... I'd hit hard in that area. I think that would force her to think about exactly what she's giving up.

She won't be receptive at first...she's already shown you that. But an abundance of romance...think of yourself as competing for her because you are. Go at it like a competition; men are really good at that.

Good luck to you

PS-- some books I've been starting to read to help me: shadows of the net; false intamacy

I did gain access to my wife's email address. Not that I was inocent in doing so. I simply answered her question for forgotten passwords and was given a new one. I don't know what I was expecting find or hoping to find anyway. What I did find will haunt me for the rest of my life. Even if somehow, someday we were to work things out, I would have to find help in regaining trust. What was before in a million pieces, my heart is now in a billion pieces.
I don't know how many of you are christians, but regardless, I know Satan had his hand in tempting me to look; knowing that, if I did, I would be crushed. And he was victorious. What I found were love letters, both the actual and replies from them both. Lets just say the "love" letters were graphic. Know what I'm trying to say? I was immediately taken back to the time I wrote a "kinky" letter to her; which was what I found ripped to shreds after her departure. And to have seen her writing to him this way nearly killed me. How can someone you more than life itself be so cruel and cold, destroying all you cherish in life? All I keep remembering was the tears in our eyes as we confessed our love and devotion to each other and to God on the day of our marriage.
To those who end up working things out with their spouses: How did you do it? Were you not haunted by these visions of your loved one and their "lover" as I have been? How did you overcome this?
For all those who are christians: I desperately need your prayers, please. I'm trying so hard to keep my faith in the Lord that he'll resolve this. But when things like this (what I saw tonight) happen, I feel like just giving up. But not just on my marriage; on everything: love, marriage and life itself. I don't want these feelings. I try to fight them off, but it is so hard. Please help me!!

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>