I just found out in January that my husband has had three affairs, the most recent one is still not over. We have been married almost 19 years and have 2 children.

The first affair happened when we were married only a couple of years. He had an EA with the wife of a couple we were close friends with. This one I knew about shortly thereafter and really did not realize the seriousness of it. We seemed to work through it and changed churches and broke all contact with the couple.

The second affair happened about 7 years ago. It was also with the wife of a couple we were close friends with...don't ya think I'd start getting wiser the second time around? This affair was revealed to me only after the OW's husband came to see my husband and told him to NEVER come around his family again. Hubby proceeded to tell me about it, but left out the PA part and I assumed it was just another EA. He asked forgiveness and I forgave and as it was such a long time ago and we don't spent much time with the couple anymore I thought all was okay.

The third affair was revealed in January at the same time. With it came the whole ugly truth. The second and third affairs were physical as well as emotional. The third affair is with a co-worker. At least I didn't know her. In my twisted brain, that seems better than a friend back-stabbing me. As luck would have it, in December my husband was offered a new postion with his company in another state that has required us to move away from the OW. I thought that was the answer. She'd be gone and we'd work things out again.

Hubby started new job and was going to drive back and forth on weekends until school was over. When I found out that the affairs were physical I decided we needed to be in the same place - not in two different places and said I'd move ASAP. I told hubby he'd have to cut all ties with the OW - no phone calls, email and certainly no personal contact. I thought he was doing so...silly me!

I hadn't been able to get a commitment out of him in regards to our relationship and was puzzled by this fact. In a recent phone conversation I was pressuring him to make a decision and do the right thing. I then asked if he'd had contact with OW. Yes...it's been ongoing. Finally I see why he cannot commitment to me.

His story is the same as everything I've read here. I wasn't meeting his emotional needs and he found his soulmate. I was unresponsive to him and he had to work too hard to get me to respond. I have admitted my neglect in meeting his needs and promised to change/do better. I have stated my commitment to our marriage. He says he can't decided between a gamble of maybe I can/can't change or a sure thing with the OW, who already meets his needs and is plenty responsive. I am shocked and amazed that I am here in this spot.

I can't believe my husband is actually considering leaving his kids, whom he loves dearly and me for the OW. She is of a different faith and also has 2 small children. What is he thinking???

I'm planning on moving to where he is this weekend, and putting Plan A into action. I know I need to change things, but must admit I am doubtful that he will commit to me even then. My parents are very leary of me leaving the state, thinking he may leave me after I get to him and I'll be stuck. I am quitting my job to move to where he is and will be a stay-at-home mom.

The crazy part of all this is my husband and I are strong Christians who grew up in Christian homes. I know Christians aren't perfect, but I cannot believe this has happened to us. His mother would croak if she knew what was going on. My parents are having a hard enough time with it! My husband knows what is right, but he will not choose it at this time. I know now from all the reading I've done at MB that I cannot make him choose for us.

I'm wondering if moving is the right thing to do. He can't see the OW because we're in a different state, but he can still email (internal system within company) and talk on the phone. Do I start making ultimatums when I get there or do I just act loving and kind? I don't want to drive him away, but I can't share him either. It's just wrong. If I stay here though, we can't work on rebuilding. This is all so confusing.

Any insight would be appreciated.

Welcome to MB. There is a lot of valuable information here.

I can't tell you what you should do, that is your decision. I will tell you that I would definitely move to wherever he is and begin living under the same roof. I don't know that I'd start giving demands the minute I walked in the door, but I wouldn't be long in doing so either. (Which may not be the right approach, just my approach. I don't do well with on-going contact.)

Hopefully you'll get some replies from some of the other posters here who are much more versed on dealing with continuing contact and the best ways of getting the spouse to agree to NC.

Plan A is a good plan...if you can follow it. Read up on it and really understand what you are attempting to do and why.

As soon as you get to where H is now living, seek out counseling. If your H is resistent in going at this time, then you go yourself and lead the way. Find someone who is pro-marriage and is willing to help guide you in rebuilding your marriage. Find someone you can be comfortable with. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. A good counselor is worth the effort.

See your family doctor, and discuss anti-depression meds to help clear the overwhelming emotions and get some control of them. They will not take away all the pain and sorrow, but they will help you have more control. Sorry, but also be tested for STD's just in case. Not something we want to think about, but we must.

Good Luck!

Shocked,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Getting profession help is the best place to start. This is not a self-help type of problem.

So, your husband says he can't decided between a gamble of maybe I can/can't change or a sure thing with the OW, who already meets his needs and is plenty responsive.

If it's such a sure thing then why does he not leave right now? He knows the answer. You know the answer. If you love him, then show him. You are right, you can't make him do anything but you have an opportunity to build something remarkable.

Hang in there. Just a wifey 2002 is right, get some professional advise today. Lead the way. Make it easy for him to follow your lead.

I feel so badly for you hun; for I too am going through my own trials and tribulations that I feel defenseless against. I wish that I, personally, had some for of encouragement to give to you. I know your insides feel like they are being ripped out of you right now in not knowing what to do. That has to be one of the hardest things for me to face; the question as to what you should do, what are the right choices, desperately seeking advice to heal the causes of this most difficult pain youre having to carry. I'm praying for a miracle in my own circumstances right now. The very least I can do is add you in them as I have with some others in this forum. May the good Lord bless you abundantly with peace and love.

jimtex1:

I have read your story and must say I envy you something terrible. I haven't seen too many other men in here such as yourself and I. Messages from people (especially men who've been there) helps me a great deal. Your wife never claimed to not love you and that's wonderful. I am really happy for you. I only wish I could say the same. I'm refusing to give up though by trying desperately to keep my faith strong.
I hope many years proceed you and your family with love and happiness in which you deserve. God bless.

Jimtext, Just a Wifey, and DWilliams, thanks for the encouragement and advice. I plan to join H this weekend and see where he stands. He is clearly miserable and unhappy, probably depressed as well. Says he doesn't want to screw up his kids or ruin us financially. He also says he never meant to hurt me. Well, he did! My biggest fear is that I will get to where he is and he will decide then he doesn't want to be with me.

I too am praying for a miracle. I know it's possible. Thanks, Daniel for your prayers, too.

I have already suggested counseling several times and H is not too open. Doesn't think anyone can tell him something he doesn't already know. Noone really understands how he's feeling. I find that funny when I read MB articles and every one of them sounds like his own words verbatum.

I found out this week OW #2 has tested positive for STD, so I will see my doctor about this as well. This is really unfair, but I guess no one ever said life is fair.