I need some advice here. I have the opportunity to spy on my H on Friday. He claims he is taking the day off because he has to work on Sunday and he cannot work OT. He is a maint. Supervisor at a hotel, He said one of his guys is going to New Orleans for Marti Gras and he usually works Sat & Sun so he has to fill in on Sun and hiw other worker has to fill in on Sat. It may just be a coincedence but his Ex-wife is getting married at that hotel this weekend. As I stated in my other post I do have my suspicions he is having an A. I dont have any solid proof. My friends all think Im crazy they say Im too paranoid and insecure. His mom & dad say I have a trust issue. Anyhow, He is off on friday, I asked him if I should take the day off his response was "you should save your vacation time". But I can take the day off if I want and I figure I could spy on him, but I dont know if this is a good idea or not. My friends tell me if he is not doing anything wrong & he finds out what I have done it could be the end of my marriage. I feel if I do spy and find nothing I will end this. I dont know what to do can someone please offer advice, I feel like Im going crazy I want to be able to trust my H but I also dont want to be "the last to know".

Thanks
Paula

I don't know what advice to give here, I normally am a great one for telling you to trust your gut, yet I do know that some couples are plagued by insecurities and jealousy which is misplaced.

Have you a histroy of suspicions about a betrayal which have continued to be unfounded? What red flags are you seeing in your marriage? Do you think he's having an affair with his xW? Has his behavior changed over the period you feel he may have entered into an affair?

If you really want to take off and spy on your H, be careful, spying by an unprofessional is usually not going to go unnoticed. If you spy and you "see" nothing...that really won't prove a thing to you except the fact that he wasn't doing anything "today". If you're suspicions are confirmed...then what?

The biggest stumbling block to an affair is an aware spouse. Keep your eyes and your ears open. See if little lies are sneaking into your relationship (not affair related), is there a pattern here.

Good Luck!

Thank You for replying, Im beginning to think my fears are all because of my insecurities. My H is very attractive and I feel Im just average but Im over weight. But in my opinion there are red flags. Time unaccounted for at work, cell phone #'s, his supposed past history. His private personality. We have only been married for 1 1/2 yrs and I feel so helpless. I have searched everything his car, the basement his personal stuff I have found nothing. The only other place he could keep things is his office. Could he be that good not to forget or leave anything lying around? I have read so many of peoples posts here. I dont want to be someone that says I never saw it comming.
As far as someone betraying me, no I was a BS once about 10yrs ago on my ex I did it once and would never do it again(ex was mentally & phys. abusive) I know that is no excuse but I would never cheat on my current H. Could these suspicions be from my own guilt?
His ex wife & he are still friends they parted on good terms. I dont think they are having an A she is marrying some Doctor she has been seeing for 5 yrs.
This is so hard this not knowing.

Thank you
Paula

The time may or may not be an issue...now the cell phone could be a red flag if there is a number you can't account for...have you tried calling it yourself (even from a pay phone if you don't want them knowing who called)?

What about the work time...is he just not being where he's surposed to be or what? Is he coming home on time? Is he being secretive on the computer? Have you checked what you can on the computer? (ie. histroy, emails accounts, etc.)

It really does sound like some insecurities and some past guilt. Have you talked to your H about any of this? If so, what has been his response? Did you believe what he told you?

Like I said...be aware, let him know that you're feeling a little insecure and see what happens. jmho

Good Luck!

Thank you again, I have called the cell phone a girl by the name of destiny answered I questioned her she was 21 and never heard of anyone in my family. I questioned him about it he said a girl at work used his phone, I then found another # on the cell I called it it was a girl named jen 22 I questioned him again same thing. About a week after that we went to the hotel for a couple of drinks, the girl who he claimed used the phone confirmed that she did and rattled the two phone #'s off very quickly she said they were her friends.
We now only have 1 car so I take him to work & pick him up he comes home the same time every night however at least once every two weeks he is called into work for some reason or another. He will be gone anywhere from 1-2 hrs. His paycheck however never is the same as the hours I write down. I have heard him on the phone on several occasions telling someone to punch him in or out so I cannot rely on his hours as a sure fire sign.

My H is completly computer illiterate, we dont even have one at home so I know he is not doing that at least. My problem is that I think he is having this affair at work. Every day he goes on errands for the company home depot, lowes, to the airport. I think he comes up with these errands to meet someone. It is the only time that he is really not with me except when he gets called in but that is not all the time either.

We have talked about it he tells me he has done a lot of things in his life he is not proud of but cheating is not one. He tells me I need to get over this, I need to trust him, he also tells me maybe I should see a professional. I do believe he cheated on his ex wife but should that even matter to me? His family tells me it shouldnt which leads me to believe that he did cheat on her. Cause if he didnt they would be saying he didnt. He says he didnt cheat on her, then in the same breath, says but even if I did it should not matter to me. Is he right? Im so confused. I was hurt so bad in my first marriage(phys.) I just dont want to get hurt again.

If I were you, I would follow up on all your suspicions. It's not like he's going to come out and admit that he's cheating. He's going to hide it as much as he can. Of course, this is coming from someone who just found out her H has cheated our entire relationship (9 yrs). I never suspected a thing just because I trusted him and never thought he would do anything like that. I have journals where I did think that one of the things wrong in the marriage was that maybe he was having an affair, I just never thought he really would. I wish I would've trusted my instincts. You have the chance to find out what is really going on in the relationship. Don't let people think that it is all you and all in your head. I believe you have reasons to suspect. The only thing I can think of is that maybe he just wants to go to the wedding and not tell you. That could be innocent. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find out what you need to know to move on one way or another.

Betrayed&Pregnant
BS 27 WS 32
Married 6yrs dated/lived together 3 yrs
1 son almost 2yrs
1 baby on the way in June
Dday 1/24/03

I would rather feel stupid and silly and see that he was really doing what he said he did than find out later my intuitions were correct and I should have trusted him.

There were times in my marriage that I had this sudden gut instinct to follow my WH and I dismissed them as random paranoia. I'd even confront him point blank about cheating and he would deny, deny, deny and make me feel like I was just insecure. Well, I should have trusted me gut. He WAS cheating.

Your family doesn't have to know.

I pray you're wrong.

Well...his background is suspicious to say the least...or at least the way he and his family want to dismiss the question of his possible cheating in his first marriage as not being important. It is important!!!

Now this doesn't mean that he is cheating, even if he cheated in the past. But there is room for being aware that there could be a problem.

Sounds like the cell phone may not be an issue...UNLESS...the girl who said she used it...is the girl he's having the affair with. Either she is the one who used it quite innocently, or else she used it because she was with him when she called her friends. What was his explaination for her needing to use his phone and not one at work. (I'm assuming the calls were made during working hours.)

IF...you do attempt to follow him...how do you plan to do so? You'll need some other car, some type of way of hiding your features, and a camera might come in handy.

I would do whatever I had to do to discover the truth. I don't know if you'll do this by taking one day off work and following him...but you might. Good Luck!