Now here’s the thread I’ve been looking for. My Ws found this site and we began reading about ENs and LBs the day after Dday. Filling in the LB questionnaire was one of the most depressing things I have ever done. I am guilty of virtually every one of them.

I can absolutely empathize with my WS’s EA. All the way. The PA is harder to swallow, because he consciously chose to pursue that aspect of the affair. But let’s face it, after reading the stuff on this site you say, ‘oh wow, that sounds so familiar. Is that what we were doing?’ But unless you happen to have a degree in psychology or you have the self awareness to seek something like this site you do what your internal voice tells you. And my internal voice was being petty and playing tit for tat and sulking and being entirely human.

Coincidentally, he found someone to stroke his ego and provide all those things his little internal voice wanted to hear. How could you NOT respond to something like that when it happens slowly, innocently at first and you’re not getting those strokes at home. So yes, I played a very large role in setting the stage for the EA. Did I deserve to have him cheat on me? I have to say yes.

One thing that this site hasn’t done for me is that it reads too much like happy horse**** pabulum, so I’ve found some other sites to read through to help me figure out what the real cause of his and my behavior may be and some more substance to the solutions.

Now that we’re trying to put our relationship back together the amount of pain I caused him and the amount of changes I need to go through (yes, ME) are so daunting that I am tempted to give up before I even try. Even more daunting, especially since he still isn’t convinced that he can live without the OW, is trying to communicate to him the changes HE needs to make. However, I can’t give up because I don’t think I can live without this man.

TC,

I know the gnawing pain of lonliness...and none of us signed on for it when we got married.

I am glad you have come around. Are things getting better with your wife...and does she know about your A?

This is a response to Tom Carlton, and his defense of his affair. I am always amazed at the excuses people can come up with to find justification in going outside the marriage for their self-satisfaction. My question for Tom is, did you ever seek counseling? Did you think it was just enough to bring home the paycheck? Did you encourage good communication and pay attention to your wife and meet her needs? Or were you convinced that she had to do all the work to make you feel fulfilled and happy? How much quality time did you actually spend with your wife and children? Let's face it, when one spouse steps out of the marriage and has an A, it becomes necessary to justify it and blame the other person. Be honest! What did you contribute to the marriage? How hard did you work on it? If she is as bad as you say, why didn't you just tell her that you wanted out and still continue to have a strong relationship with your children? And I'll bet you were straight up and told her when you started the affair or did she end up catching you? Was she completely in the dark and once she found out, then according to you she stepped up to the plate? Isn't it funny that now she is trying? Maybe she has been there for you all along but just not measuring up to what you thought you needed. So the best thing to do is have an affair, that surely solves everything. There is no excuse to have an affair, it hurts and destroys families. All it does is bring disrespect to the people you say you care about. You like so many others, have to feel like your justified, blame someone else but don't look in the mirror and see what role you have been playing in the marriage. How many times do you tell your wife that she looks pretty? How many times do you just spend quality time talking to her and letting her know that you care and your interested? I'm sure you came home from work and ignored her and her feelings. So how could she meet your needs when you weren't meeting hers? Good try Tom, but your justification and self serving needs are no excuse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tom Carlton:
<strong>I had no idea that there were so many sanctimonious people here. I guess the narrower a persons mind the broader their statements. I had an extramarital affair and I have NO character flaw. Rather, I have spent 11 years married to a woman who, at one time, I loved but who has ruined me and wrecked our marriage by her systematic neglect of me, emotional abuse, selfishness, incompetence, inability to cope, unwillingness to attempt to cope, misplaced resentment, indifference, emotional and physical weakness and sloth. I have foresaken my own happiness for years and have stayed with her for the sake of our 3 kids whom I adore. I work extremely hard and am a wonderful provider for our family. Now that my wife knows about the affair she has done a 180 and is trying to be the wife that she could have been and should have been all along. I admit that I'm not proud of being an unfaithful husband and that infidelity is not the solution to marital problems but when you're married to someone who makes clear that she couldn't care less about you and that you're nothing more than a meal ticket it's pretty tought to feel good about yourself. In my case, I met someone with whom I had an emotional parallel and, in a state of emotional distress and anguish I fell in love with her. I can't have her though because my kids are young and need my wife and I to be together for them. My heart is broken and I am ruined as a man. I will not leave my wife for the children's sake. I will try to work things out with her and try to make the best of it. Why did it take my having an affair to wake up my wife and motivate her to be my partner in life? I don't know the answer. But I hate her for putting me through this hell; I deserved better. So please don't suggest that all cheaters have a "character flaw". You don't know me and you have no right to judge other people and their individual situations; all of which are different. TC</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are perfectly right Tom. Adultry can be justified because your wife neglected your needs. You deserve a much better wife, one who loves you and shows you all the attention you derserve.

On a side note, may i contact your wife, i will need her phone# so i can experiment and see if I would like to have a relationship with her. I would like to sleep with her first, just to make sure were compatible. I believe she must be unhappy with you because she was treating you so poorly, lets give her the opportunity to try and fulfil some her her needs. I believe i can satisefy your wife in many of the ways you cant (possibly sexually and emotionally) Not trying to be insentitive BUT she wasnt happy either.

Do you know how silly and stupid that sounds?