Francine...how about going to some individual counseling to see what it you want in your life. While I understand that you have a lot of issues with your spouse which either need to be resolved or accepted that they are not going to be resolved...no spouse deserves being betrayed.
I know you feel that you love this OM very much, and I am not going to downplay that feeling...they are yours. But, you're betraying that feeling, too. jmho
There isn't enough honesty in either relationship, not your marriage or the limits which are built into an affair. Both are being short-changed and both are betrayed. You're also betraying yourself. I'm not clear rather you are betraying yourself because you've voilated your own values by having the affair, or if you're betraying yourself by staying in a marriage which you know isn't right for you. Either way...you're hurting yourself and both men who care for you.
Some marriages really should not survive, while some are worthwhile and ever attempt should be made to save it. I don't know which your marriage falls into...but you do need to make a choice before this blows up in your face.
Is there an element of addiction to the affair? Most likely there is. It just part of what happens in most affairs. Not a judgement on you...just that this is usually a factor.
You're correct, the % of relationships which began in an affair and then becoming a stable relationship without the affair elements are very low. I do however question those stats to some extent. But that's neither here nor there.
The plain fact is that stats show that ALL relationships are difficult to becoming long-term marriages with stablity. (Look at our divorce rate!) When you began adding in the other "baggage" which comes with affairs/post affairs...it's an awfully heavy load to carry for anyone.
I'm going to assume that your H is unaware of your affair. Have you really considered what will happen in your home if he discovers it? The pain he will feel and the anger you will face will be frighening. The confusion you will see on your children faces? The confusion you will feel when you are faced with being forced TODAY to make a decision?
If you leave your marriage, you'll be dealing with divorce, legal issues, child custody, visitation, everything that all couples must face when a breakdown of the marriage happens, PLUS all the added issues which the betrayal will bring in.
If you choose to try and reclaim the love and trust that you will lose and stay in the marriage....you'll be living in a home full of mistrust, anger, sorrow for a long time. You'll be watched, you'll be questioned, you'll have to face the anger and pain.
There are no easy choices here. Figure out where you want your life to go...then figure out who you want beside you as you travel.
Good Luck!
