hello everyone, i am new to this board but have been reading everything for the past week or so that is when I started suspecting my H of an affair. well i just confirmed it and now i dont know what to do next. a little background, married 7 years this april, 2 kids ages 3 and 7. He has been really distant from everyone since about January but I believe the affair has been going on longer dont know yet. I confronted him on the phone and he didn't deny just wanted to how i found out. I am being very understanding because i know that i drove hime to this with my miserable existence and i have promise him and meant it that i will take care of all his needs if he will just give us a chance again. this is not my typical behavior, before this week i would have said i would cut it off or something of that nature if my husband ever did that to me. However after reading everything on this site, i understand much better where we went wrong and i want nothing more than to get past this and move on. so my question is what should i when he gets home tomorrow? we both agreed that we needed to see each other and discuss everything but the only thing i could get out of him is that he probably would have left along time ago if not for the kids and worrying about what would happen to me. so how do i start this process of getting him to understand with out coming across as pushing myself on him? i don't know what to do next. i am absolutely miserable, haven't eaten a thing all week, lost 12 lbs though, and cant concentrate on anything but this. sorry if i rambled but that's what no sleep or food with do to you. any advice would really be appreciated.
thanks

distraught- I don't have much time so I will be quick now and check back later.

Glad you are here, this is a great place to learn about A's (affairs) how they happen and what to do about them.

First off, let me say that you "did not drive him to it." Your M (marriage) might not have been perfect and yes you probably played a part in that but HE CHOSE to have the A NOT YOU! The A is not your fault it was his choice!

That said, do you want to save your M? If so than sit down with him and listen to what he has to say. Be open and honest and LISTEN. He may not want to work on the M right now but his feelings may change later.

This is going to be a long and bumpy road. Please find support in your friends and family, see a counselor and if necessary start anti-depressants.

I will be back later, hopefully some vetrans will respond also.

STTSI

Hi DM,

Welcome - Sorry you are here.

I totally agree, so I will not repeat what STTSI said, I will try to add to it.

If he is willing to make it work, tell him that you want to give MC a try. Suggest the Harleys with phone counseling, I hear they are very good. Implement Plan A immediately.

Keep in mind, Plan A is not about being a doormat, it is about meeting his needs, and making sure you needs are also being met. He may not be willing in the beginning to meet your needs, but keep meeting his.

Have you read the links on this site with regards to Love busters, Plan A, Plan B?

Good luck, get support from family, friends, and you will get alog of support here.

Take care

Thanks for your replies. I am still so in shock, i cant sleep and i keep picturing them together. I know it is not totally my fault, he did choose this route instead of talking to me about how he was feeling. i dont even know exactly who she is or how long it has been going on yet. when i spoke to him earlier and confronted him, i was very calm and didn't rant and rave, thank goodness i have been looking at this site and Dr. Phil's book all this week, while i was suspecting. i am having a really hard time thought tonight just trying not to think about them and yet i cant shut it off and go to sleep. hopefully he will come home tomorrow, i am not sure because he said he would call me tonight and he didn't, big suprise. Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble here, it helps to be able to get it all out.

distraughtmom

distraughtmom:

I know exactly how you feel. Tomorrow will make 1 week since I recieved proof of my WW's affair.

At this point, you cannot beat up on yourself. I'm sure there are things you've done that might not have been 'perfect', and likewise, I doubt you WH was a angel either.

But right now is'nt about assigning blame. Now, you have to refocus yourself and your life. Take care of yourself, meaning EAT, SLEEP, and try to spend at least 1 hour a day without thinking on the issue at all. It WILL drive you totally crazy if you let it.

As my grandfather used to say.
"You don't eat when you get hungry.
You eat to KEEP from getting hungry... now go in the kitchen and find you something"

Becoming sick will now help your cause, and that's what will happen if you don't take better care of yourself.

If you want to save the marriage, then read up on Plan A. Make sure to meet EN's, avoid LB's at ALL costs. If you havn't got it already, I would HIGHLY reconmend Dr. Harley's book "Surviving An Affair". I'm about halfway through it and it's really given me some insight as to what's going on in my WW's life. More important than that, it's giving me the information to handle rebuilding (if she ever comes back to try). MOST important, it gives me hope. Before, I felt like my situation was completly hopeless, but now by reading how marriages like this have been saved, I have hope for my own.

If you're not very religious, then I would suggest trying it. The power of God can really help in situations like this. It is by his gift that I'm not still laying in the floor, crying my eyes out.

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"

Definately get the support of your friends and family. This isn't something you'll be able to get through completly alone, unless you're a LOT stronger than I am. Just knowing people still care really helps. Of course, you have all of our support as well. When we all support eachother, we make all our lives easier.

Read, read, read, and read some more. Read other posts on this site, read some of Dr. Harley's books. "His Needs/Her Needs: Building An Affair Proof Marriage" was really good. It gives insight as to how wonderfully a marriage can work, and will make you even more prepared for the long road of marital recovery ahead of you. (I read it when my wife moved in with her parents, not knowing of the affair)

I know that things seem dark, and that it feels like it would be easier to just give up. But if you want your marriage to work, you can hold on and give it your best. That's what Plan A will do. It will let you hold on, showing you're willing to give it a chance, making yourself a better person and opening the door for marital recovery.

You'll be in my prayers, and I hope to ask for the same of you.

So sorry! The emotional conflicts you are dealing with are normal. Moving from one emotion to another within a second is why we call this ride of betrayal a rollercoaster. (ie. rage to crying)

Hope your H is home today and he's being honest. We're here to help, if you need validation of your feelings and/or to help point out some options you may overlook.

Read what's here on site, very valuable information as to what you and your spouse will be going through in the coming days.

Good Luck!

Hello, Im very sorry, and I know what you are feeling right now, the Pain is so horriable to go through but i must tell you, If he is really willing to stay and make things work, I suggest councling it really helped me and my H so much, and I agree with the others No DONT BLAM YOURSELF, He made that choice, you didnt, I did the same thing for a while but relized that he was the one that made that choice to be with someone else not me or you.Its been a year since my D-Day and Im still feeling the affects from it from time to time, what you need is close friends alot of talks with him and councling if you both are gonna make it through this, He has to be 100% in this to make it work, I Wish you the Best of Luck, Please keep us informed.

thank you all so much for your support. he did come home last night and we did talk for hours. basically he knew this woman from along time ago and some how they reconnected recently and have been to a hotel twice. she is also married. anyway after we talked for a few hours he informed me he had a hotel room a few miles from our house. he said he just needed to be alone last night and this morning and think. i believe him because i could have easily found out if he was lying. he says he is going to try and be open and honest with me, but i can tell he doesnt want to hurt me so it is holding him back on alot of what he is thinking. now he is saying he is confused etc. and pretty much not sure if he is in love with me. it hurts so deeply, to the core. if am so glad i found this website. the information here just makes so much sense it is helping me cope, i don't know where i would be without it. anyway, i don't know if i did the right thing or not, but he wanted to know what i had learned that i helped me and so i have printed up alot of information from the website about infidelity and the basics of marriage and he is reading it now. i just wanted to try and help him understand why he is feeling this way and it is not uncommon to feel sad and confused and try to help him work through it. i hope it helps him. i cant believe how rational i am being at this point. of course if he were to completely shut me out at this point i don't know how i would handle it. anyway, thanks again for the support it really helps just to get things out!

Just wanted to let you know you are in good company here. D-day for me was over 1 1/2 y ago. It will get better. Most men don't leave. You need to read all here and maybe see your doc for something for sleep and maybe depression. It happens in a lot of marriages. I have a baby so I can't really type, but it will be OK, different, but OK. Time for plan A and EN questionnaire-Jersey Girl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

o.k. so H came over today and just left after the kids went to sleep to go to a hotel to be alone so he can think, again i do believe him and i know where he is. however he does think he is in love with this girl and said that he hasn't been in love with me for 5 years, we have been married 7. and he didn't totally end it with her either. i am not sure what they think they are going to do. 4 kids between them and lots of baggage. i would like to see what would happen with all four kids and all the bills and daily problems. dont see that lasting very long. please! anyway,i have tried to be supportive and non confrontational. i did lose it a little today, but for me it was very controlled. im trying so hard not to give into my rage when i am around him. that is a major problem for us. he is very passive agressive and i like to get it all out. so the way things stand is that he said he would like to come see the kids after school tomorrow. how do i handle this? do i leave while he is here or do i try to act like nothing is wrong or what? this is very difficult for me because all i want to do is slap some sense into him. having him read some of the information from this site did no good, he is not open to thinking they this isn't special etc. my other question is i was supposed be out of town for a week coming up in a few days. i need to know if i should cancel my plans or what to do? it was supposed to be a vacation with my daughter and mom and H and my father were going to keep my younger son. i don't know if i can even physically go at this point. i am all consumed and i am afraid of what might happen while am gone. i know there is nothing i can really do here but still i really need someone elses opinion about what to do. thanks again for all the support. you all are my only real outlet at this time because i dont want to tell my family what is going on, it would really kill them.

Update, H called this morning and after speaking to him for a few minutes about his plans for the day he got very quiet and then almost crying said that "everything is going to be o.k." and "I just need to take care of a couple of things"

What does this mean? Should I take this as a positive sign or am I being too hopeful?

I still am not sure about what to do about going out of town and leaving H here for all of next week. Have to decide by this afternoon. Will that affect H and his withdrawal from OW if I am not here? (that is if he decides to separate from her) Could be negative and he would be too tempted? I just don't know.

This is such a terrible "roller coaster" ride. I am trying to be strong but I see that my emotions completely ride on his actions or lack of.

I only found out about this last Friday???? three days feels like 3 years!

Thanks again for all your kind words.

God bless!
DM

Hi DM,

Sounds like you are making progress and actually for the short (though it seems like forever) duration, you are doing quite well.

Many a WS get confused. A's are NOT natural. So for him to be out of love 5 years with you and you only find out now.....well.... when I was told that, went through shock of the A and then had time to really think about it, I got angry. What do you mean you 'never loved me'? Hm...... I found that hard to believe since when my H asked me to marry him.....I asked R U sure? It was sort of a joke with us since I am the cautious one. He tried desparate to make the A work (well OW helped a lot - YUCK!). It isn't a natural relationship so it didn't. Then he became confused and embarressed.

So for now, I recommend you give him his space. Take care of yourself and let him prove to you that he is coming back. You can't make him anyway but it doesn't mean you have to be his doormat either. Hopefully he won't put you through the ringer like so many others.

take care and keep posting.
L.

You are doing great.Interesting, I was watching Biography last night - on Debbie Reynolds. She went through hell with Eddie Fisher etc...At any rate, she said something to the effect that men who leave for the other woman, forget they are happily married. Hmm....it's amazing how UNhappy they realize their marriage is when they are caught up in the fantasy and fog of the affair and the OW, where they have no cares about finances, household duties, children, the cat poop in the garden...etc etc.etc...

You going away won't change anything, and may just give each of you the space you need. My H and I were apart right after DDay due to his work, however, in my case the OW was LD and totally in the other direction and in the US.
At any rate---read read read... hang in there.