When my H does something that hurts me, I tell him I am hurt. He then explains to me why he did what he did. Sometimes he goes into great detail. This makes me feel even more hurt. He does not apologize, does not seem to care that he hurt me by his actions (or lack of action). What appears to be most important to him is to justify what he did.

I feel that my feelings should be most important to him. Equally, his feelings should be most important to me. What actually happened is not as important as how I or he feels about it.

I have read all the MB materials, have participated in a MB cruise, and speak with Dr. Harley often. My husband does as well. But my H cannot seem to understand that my feelings come before all things.

Is there any hope here? Am I wrong about the priorities of the marriage relationship? I can't have a romantic relationship with someone who always justifies his actions first, and maybe later apologizes. Or never apologizes.

Normally trying to "educate" your spouse doesn't work too well. But since your H is familiar with MB principles, maybe he would read and discuss with you a couple of things:

Ouch! No, Let Me Explain!

And this on apologies, taken from the MB newsletter:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Try a Naked Apology! - Just A Thought... by Steven W. Harley, M.S.
The next time you go into your apology routine, try a Naked Apology instead. After you do something that is considered thoughtless or painful from your spouse's perspective, apologize WITHOUT defending your actions, excusing your behavior, identifying the cause, or anything like that. Just apologize, say your sorry, empathize, and explain how you will prevent it from happening again. Once you try my suggestion, you'll see how it got its name. Because without defending your actions, you will feel naked. You will have a desire to cover yourself with an excuse or a defense of some kind. DON'T DO IT! The naked feeling will go away as you become more skilled at apologizing in an attractive way. I'm sure your spouse will like the "naked" approach. Just a thought...

Steve

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<small>[ March 01, 2003, 02:40 AM: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</small>