Hi to all that know me and all the new people on the board. I just wanted to give you guys an update on my current situation.

In November H asked me for a D because he no longer loved me and I begged, cryed, and pleaded for him to change his mind for a couple months.

Through those months I became very depressed and decided by the end of January to give him a divorce and at the time I really thought that I had the strenght to just get a D because I thought I had found peace with in myself. That was when I stopped posting because after that I have been feeling so confused and all the decisions I was making seemed to be decisions made at the spur of the moment.

I kept changing my mind about agreeing to D and then taking it back. It not only drove my H crazy but myself as well so I stopped posting because I was afraid that I would drive the people on this forum crazy as well.

And now Mar 1,2003

I called my H two weeks after I agreed to D and told him that no matter how hard I tried to convince myself to want a D that I couldn't. I apologized for the many times I kept changing my mind but that I couldn't help it. He asked why I loved him so much and I told him I just do because I love everything about him and he decided to not file for the D but it did not mean that his feelings for not loving me had changed. He told me that he is confused right now so I think that he is not ready to make a final decision. We have not talked about D since. We have been getting along and I feel that things are going towards the right direction but then at times I think I just keep pretending that it is going good because that is what I want so bad. I think it is a coping behavior that I have learned. That is all for now but if Sue or Unsure read this I have read your post and will write to you guys soon.

Hi,

Glad to see you around. I was wondering what happened to you.

You could not drive us crazy, it is a very confusing time, for some, venting is a good way to sort through it all, and for others, just a way to blow off steam.

It is understandable that you love your H and do not want a D, so that would make it very hard to follow through. I understand that one. I love my H, but with everything, sometimes I think a D is the answer, and then I say it isn't.

I'm glad you posted to let us know what is up.

depressed1234 -- I was glad to see that you had posted. I haven't posted in a long while (I'm lurking) because nothing is really happening one way or the other with my situation.

I think it's a positive sign that your WH has moved from being adamant about a D to being confused about a D. Yes, we all get our hopes up high and possibly read more into situations than we should, but it is that hope that keeps you going until you can be thoughtful about a decision.

Keep up what you've been doing because it has changed the dynamic. If you could go back and read your earliest posts you would see how much things have changed.

I'm hoping the best for you and your little one and your WH.

depressed1234 -- How are you? Thinking of you and hoping you are well with school. -- USH

Hello USH

Well I have 5 more months of this program left and it is going by faster than I thought. My son broke his leg last month so I've been busy getting him a new babysitter cuzz his daycare wont take him, taking him to his follow up appts, and studying.

He turned 2 march 31 and his dad came down for 4 days. It was nice. No fighting and he even put his hand on my knee when we were watching TV. I felt like I was his wife again. It kinda made me feel wierd. I wanted to smile and show him that it meant alot to me but I didn't want to make a big deal about it and scare him off.

Spring break is around the corner and me and son is suppose to go and visit H. We even planned on going to Vegas but then it would be hard to do all the things we want with son so now I don't know if that is going to happen.

I've been keeping up on your situation. How is that going? Did your H ever go and file? Well my son is getting bored and screaming for attention so I'd better sign out but I'll check your thread soon.

Hi,

Glad to hear from you. I've been wondering how you have been doing.

I'm sorry your son broke his leg. School will be done before you know it.

Take care.

depressed1234 -- I am on a tight deadline at work, but was so glad to see that you posted. I was sorry to read about your son's broken leg, but little boys heal quickly.

I think you handled the visit with WH well.

No, my WH has not filed and he has been spending a lot of time at the house doing repairs, yardwork, etc, but I try not to be there right now. He's hard to be around, but when I am, I am pretty calm. I've accepted that I may be divorced and I am really ok with it. It would not be my first choice, but I feel I have really made changes for the better in my life and it's his choice if he wants to try again. My sense is that he's not willing to do the hard work. I will move forward regardless. I've given this almost two years of my life (if you count the insane time when I didn't know about the affair and he did his best to make me feel as if I was crazy/paranoid). MB has been good for me and it will be good for my next relationship.

Good luck in school. Check in from time to time. Maybe lightning will strike my WH and he'll get it together.

Hi USH

I'm glad to hear that you have come to acceptance of what ever happens with you and H. I understand why you try not to be around when H is at your house. I know your busy so I'll make this short but I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi Sue

Well your almost done. I know this is a real busy time for you with school ending and all so I'll make this short as well. Good luck on your finals and what ever else is left in your program. For me it actually seems easier since clinicals started but more scared since 8 people have already been washed out and we still have a couple more modules or rotations to go. I don't want to jinx myself so I'll stop talking about it.

I just got back from a night out with friends and am pretty tired and really don't know if I'm making sense so I'll write again later. I had a few drinks tonight and I'm not much of a drinker. That should say it all right there. Take care for now.

Good luck - you will do fine.

Thanks - yep, the end is near. One more test, which I hope I don't fail, and then there is the boards.

Hi everyone,

I'm back. School has lightened up and I have a lil time to socialize even if it is only on MB. Actually I'm also back for the advice and emotional support again. H told me on 5/23 he can't keep doing what were doing anymore so he will be filing for a divorce and selling our home.

Of course I cried and cried for about 3 days and haven't been sleeping well since. Now I have dark bags under my eyes. When he told me that he is filing for a divorce and no matter how i felt about it, it was gonna happen. Kinda sucks not to have a choice, have a value taken from me without consent, and the worse one is I'll be giving my son the kind of life I had without a father. I know I can do it but it just doesn't seem fair.

I wish CA didn't have such leiniet(don't know how to spell)laws on divorce. I kinda wanted to give him a hard time,like make him go to Marriage Counseling with me before agreeing to give him what he wants. Then the libra side comes out of me and tells me to put myself in his shoes and give him what he wants. Would I want to be stuck in a marriage with someone I didn't have feelings for? Probably not it's just too bad I'm not the one that lost my feeling so I don't have to be the one having all the feelings of rejection and thinking what is wrong with me.

I guess I'm not really here for advice because there is nothing I can do to change his mind but am in need of emotional support.

I keep dreading to be a single parent. I already find it difficult. I've been a single parent since August with the help of my mom. My mom has been feeling ill lately and is not getting any younger so I'm gonna have to learn not to depend on her so much. My son has been sick alot the past few months just with the cold and flu but I can't take him to daycare when he has a fever and I also can't miss school because I'll get dropped from the program if I miss so many hours. I give my son Motrin on the days he has a fever and drop him off to daycare praying that the fever doesn't return till at least 3:30. It has worked on some days but not all. I know I sound like a terrible mother but I have no other choice. I do take him to a friend on some occassions but illnesses aren't scheduled so sometimes my friend has other obligations. The only thing that kept me going through all this was thinking that in August when I graduate I'll return home to AZ and I'll have my H to count on again.

I did write my H and ask him who will take turns with me staying home when our son is sick? Of course no reply for that question. I say things to him to make him feel bad and hopefully make him think how much he loves his son and pray to god he changes him mind. No luck. Kinda like beating a dead horse. I love H still so much but am letting him go. I'm exhausted emotionally. I can't keep fighting for something that I had no chance in winning anymore.

It's been 1 1/2 month since my son and I seen H. My son called my brother daddy which made me sad and made my brother feel bad for my son. of course I told H but it didn't seem to touch his heart in anyway but husband is not to verbal so I don't really know if it did or not. He said that he'd come out on the 2nd week of June when he returns from his trip from GA to see his lil sis graduate. That also hurt my feelings because my school only holds to graduation ceremonies a yr for the medical field and mine was the day before he was leaving to GA so he couldn't come to mine. I decided not to invite anyone because I just wanted to drive for a while right after and cry but my bestfriend insisted on coming and my mom suprised me by showing up. I was still sad the whole time. 1) I wasn't really graduating but I had to attend because it was mandatory 2) the person i really wanted to be there wasn't there 3) nothing could make me feel happy at the time because I know I'm getting a divorce and all my classmates spouses were there except mine and some asked me where he was I kinda just looked down and said he couldn't make it cuzz he was out of town.

In actuallity, him not coming to my grad really wasn't a big big thing just knowing that my plans after graduation had to change and I have no clue or finances yet to do what I wanted to do. Maybe I just want to much too soon and need to make realistic goals like just graduating first and being happy that my mom will let me stay in her house as long as I want. I appreciate it but isn't something I want. It's hard to live in another persons house again once you've already had ur own place.

Ok guys I think I'm just rambling now......but i do feel a lil better.

<small>[ May 31, 2003, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: depressed#1234 ]</small>