Upon my last post, "Infidelity on the internet", I have since then been told by my wife that she'd be willing to try again. I moved to the state where she is currently staying. The first couple of days were great. I felt that my prayers had been answered. To make it alittle shorter, My wife is having difficulty handeling her infatuation with the internet OM. It has caused her to not want to continue to try. So, I am now back here where I started. But now I am unemployed because of the sacrifice I was willing to make for our marriage.
She had told me that she was willing to try and fall in love with me again. How can this be if she isn't willing to give up the OM? I had asked her to do it so that we may focus on us alone. She said that she couldn't because she still has feelings for him. I was totally defenseless. I was no match so long as she continued to talk with him. So she held on to her earlier statement that she doesn't love me and for me to move on.
What am I supposed to do now? How can I fight for my marriage when the OM remains within it too?
I have bought the book, "His Needs/Her Needs". I have been reading of some of the affections I wasn't showing my wife much of. Should I even attempt to show her these things now? Would it even help now that I'm 200 miles away from her and with her always speaking with him?
As far as I know she is still planning to make the move to Canada. Lord knows I'd do anything to stop her. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks for any advice given.

IMHO if you cannot get a no contact agreement then things are going to be difficult at best. EVEN with a NC agreement by the WS its still tough so I would think she needs to agree to cut ties for you guys to have a real chance.

I'd read up on Plan B and stick to it as well as possible considering your step child. Until her fantasy bubble bursts...you're spinning your wheels.

Good Luck on finding a new position!

Daniel,

I think JAW (as usual <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) got it right. The best thing might actually be to let her move in with OM and apply plan B.

In a reply to one of your earlier posts I used the comparison: internet Richard Gere turns into real life Danny de Vito. Internet affairs are even more based on fantasy than flesh and blood versions. There is really no way you can ever know the true character of the other person, although the participants in the A would like to believe otherwise.

I do not want to give you false hope, but it might not be over yet.

Hang in there

GreySkies

I am going through the most horrible pain ever in my life today. My wife came by to drop off a few things I had left behind and to let me say goodbye to my daughter. It feels like I'm dying inside. Now she is headed towards Maine where more of her family is and from there to Canada.

What hurts so bad is that we held each other quite a few times and even had a moment where we kissed everso passionately. She even wept in my arms as she apologized for hurting me again. There has to still be something still in her heart for me in order to do those things isn't there? As she pulled off, I couldn't help but start crying my eyes out. I've never cried so hard in my life. The thought and fear of possibly never getting to see my beloved wife and daughter again is killing me. I found that they will be 3000+ miles away. How do you try to reestablish the love between you and your WS when she is going to be living with the OM and when they are so far away? I felt my only chance was to get to her before she left. Now, I feel as though all is lost and it's killing me. I also fear that the suggestion of plan B might work against me. I understand it being obvious that she doesnt wish to try NC, but, I honestly believe I'd have a better chance than by just avoiding her completely with the exception of my daughter. I guess it's just a risk I'm not willing to take. Lord only knows what I should do now.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
She is clearly going through with it and believe me, it will only be a matter of time before the bubble bursts and the fantasy is gone and reality hits her big time.

This is not your fault, not your doing, nothing to do with YOU - this is her decision and choice and it is clearly infected with heavy duty FOG!!

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! If you are able to get counselling - DO! IF not, then seek out a trusted friend and definitely keep coming here.

Hello again everyone. Thanks to all of you that have replied to my post and for your prayers as well.
Since my last post, I thought I'd give an update as to what is going on currently.
I really believe that the Lord is at work with this situation I'm in. I say this because it seems that my wife is having difficulties trying to get into Canada. She has not made it there. I'm thinking God might have had something to do with all of her misfortunes.
She is currently staying in Maine now with family. Even though she hasn't been able to go see this other man, she is still talking with him. Her determination to go still seems to be very high. Please continue to pray for her and my daughter. She hasn't been able to go to him but, at the same time, hasn't been thinking of coming back home either.Maybe God will intervene. I sure hope so.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers.
God Bless

<small>[ March 12, 2003, 02:29 AM: Message edited by: DWilliams ]</small>

Prays are continuing for your situation. Hopefully, she'll come to the right decision before she loses any chance of reclaiming her life with you.

Plan B is very difficult! Especially with children involved.

Good Luck!

I am sorry to hear your pain. I too have been having an EA with OM on-line. I got help by logging into this chat room and have since broken off my engagement with OM who I was supposed to meet in just a few days - and I was sooo psyched to see him too! I am going through terrible withdrawels but the key for me was not "his needs her needs" - I was already familiar with that. The key is too see ahead - read and feel the torment such an A will bring.

My H is willing to read the Harley material. The hard part is that I am not attracted to him like I am the newness and excitement of the OM. Hopefully, I believe, these feelings will somehow come back over time. I hope, since your W obviously has access to the internet, you can encourage her to read these discussions.

Good luck!

Hi Elli and all others. I was just curious to a comment you made. Are you suggesting that I introduce MB to my WW? Do you honestly think it'll do any good? Where it is that she is currently so "wrapped up" in the OM, I'm not sure that it will have much of an impact. Unlike you, she fails to see what this A will do. She has said at one time that it was difficult for her because we had been together for 5 years of our lives. But the initial torment is not being looked at. Was it upon finding MB that made you want to end it with the OM?

I know this may sound a bit rediculous, but I thought I'd mention that my WW has tried to contact me. I wasn't home but left one of my Messengers open while remaining online. My status was set to "away" but she attempted to write anyway. She made the comment that she had been "freaking out" because she hasn't seen or heard from me. I have not attempted to email her. I'll just wait it out some more at least until she tries to talk to me again. Not sure what I'm to say though when she does.

<small>[ March 12, 2003, 02:34 AM: Message edited by: DWilliams ]</small>

Hello, yet again, everyone. I found the courage tonight to send my wife something from a discussion form I ran across. There are many things said in this letter that I pray will touch her heart. I also invited her to visit this site as well. I really don't know why, to be honest. I just felt compelled to do so. Anyway, I'm still fighting, still praying, still blieving, and many many more things while standing for this marriage. This has to be the hardest thing for me to have gone through in my life.
(To Wife)
Honey, in case you read this, I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart...always and forever..'till death do us part...I promise (as I loved hearing you say this to me). You and B. mean more to me than you could possibly ever know. I pray that, in God's perfect timing, that you'll see this love and that you'll come home. I will continue to pray for you and B. also. I long for a day when we can be the family we should've been from the start, with our Lord God in it this time too. I also long to hold you, to look into your beautiful eyes and proclaim my everlasting love for you; for it is and will always be unwaivering and unconditional. I love you.

Daniel

------------------
Phil. 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

Daniel,

You need a lawyer and you need to go for full custody of your D. The last thing that little tyke needs is to be living with her Mom and Mom's new stud.

Even if you are staying in a cheap motel or renting a room, being with you would be best for your D. You are her parent. THe other guy is Mom's new love, a stranger.

Your D's presence will become an irritant to the other man. A man who is biologically unconnected to the child of his lover is much less interested in the child's health, happiness and well-being. The child is better off and safer with you. (That is, if your W can manage to cross the border into Canada in the first place.)
And anyway, doesn't she need the permission of the child's dad to leave the country with her?
I don't know the laws for crossing into Canada. In the case of some other countries, the child can't leave the country with one parent unless the other parent grants permission.

As for introducing your W to this site, not likely it will turn her around. She is in a fog and can't find truth with both hands and a flashlight.
Good luck.

Bellvue,

Hi and thank you for your post. I have had it mentioned before about fighting for custody. I haven't done so though; for I am not my D'd biological father either. I call her my D simply because I look at her as my own. I honestly don't feel that I could provide for her either being that a recent sacrifice in attempt to resolve our marriage left me unemployed. My only way of survival at this time is through the grace of God and through the aid and support of my family. So, even if I wanted to, I couldn't do anything to prevent my D from going.
I respect your bluntness completely as I know there are some of those who might would handel my situtation completely different than I have. However, I am not seeking to fight a war with my wife. I don't feel that this would be the best way to show her that, regardless of what has been done, I still love her no matter what. Perhaps I'm going about this entirely the wrong way. I'm really not sure. Even so, I am trying my hardest to show my wife that I love her and my D and plan to fight for my marriage. I will do all it takes. And btw, I'm not sure exactly what the laws are on crossing the border nor do I know the reasons behind her inability to do so. I'm only hoping that it may be through God's intervention; that maybe, just maybe God is trying to open her heart as well as her eyes; for the pain of her abscense is extrememly difficult to bare.

DWilliams:
for I am not my D'd biological father either. I call her my D simply because I look at her as my own.

Do you really look at her as your own? She probably looks at you as her Dad as well. Non-bio dads who love their children have fought for custody and won.

You, even being unemployed, are a better bet for that kid than the internet creep your wife is pining over.

So, even if I wanted to, I couldn't do anything to prevent my D from going.

Disagree. By not helping make it easy for your W to carry on her affair, you can make it difficult for her to take your D with her.

However, I am not seeking to fight a war with my wife.

That doesn't mean you have to make it easier for her to get together with this guy. Remember, Plan A, read the MB site thoroughly,

You ARE fighting a war. You are fighting to recover your marriage. Even if you are nice to her, you win if you restore your marriage. You win if your marriage gets better and stronger after you get back together.

You win the skirmishes and battles bit by bit, by working on yourself.

Yes, I very well indeed look at my daughter as my own. And yes, if it came down to it, I would do all I could to protect her. On the same account though, we must be realistic on some of the facts. 1) My not being my D's bio-father makes it so much more difficult to fight for custody. 2) My name isn't on any documentation stating that I am her father. 3) If I dare try to take my D from W I am sure to have no chance in the restoration of my marriage. Yes, this would keep my D away from OM, but what good would that do in keeping my D away from her mother? My D will get hurt regardless. My ultimate goal here is to try and bring her out of the fog so that we can be a family again. Whether W has D or I really doesn't matter for she will suffer either way as a result of a broken home.

I guess in some ways I took offense to your question as to do I really look at my D as my own. I know you may not have meant it to appear the way I saw it to be. But, to be honest, it made me feel as if you were saying that I don't look at her as my own because I'm not trying to fight for custody.

4)My being unemployed is not going to help any when it comes to paying court and lawyer fees. It's not so much that I don't want to fight, but more so that I just can't. I have lost my home. The only reason I'm still here is because it will take them a little while before they remove me. I had to apply for government help today because I can't afford to buy any food. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just want everyone to understand that I'm not just letting my W do whatever she wants. I'm just not in the position right now to be able to do anything. I'm barely finding ways to have shelter and food for myself. But, as foolish as it may sound, I don't seem to care so much about my well-being as I do in saving my marriage/family. Of course I'm going to care for myself in the best way I'm able to. But, ultimately, my W and D come first.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone. Bellevue, again, I appreciate your honesty even though I may have misunderstood or misinterpreted (sp) you. I hold no ill feelings toward you. Your opinions are noted and appreciated.

Daniel

How many of you remember the post that Trueheart made awhile back?; the letter to the WS. Well if you do, I sent it to my WW. It took alot of courage to do so in fear of what a response from her would be. But I did it anyway as well as inviting her to MB.
I have not got a response yet. The only thing I could think is that, hopefully, guilt and/or shame may be preventing her from doing so. On the other hand, she may be avoiding me out of anger. I fear this to be the favorable choice she's made. With her current living conditions and constant contact with OM, there's very little hope for me. I guess plan B may be the route to take after all. Lord knows I don't want to. I'm thinking it'll just make it easier for her to continue.
Does anyone know of any place that offers free/assisted conseling? I believe I am in need of some meds but am not able to afford them at this time. Any ideas are greatly appreciated.

Daniel

Talked to W tonight on the phone. It was like a nightmare come true. She has asked me to file for divorce. She says if I don't, she'll come back to this state to do so within the next few days. Me filing will enable her to enter Canada much sooner with less difficulty. And if not, she said that she is prepared to marry OM in order to do so.

I guess it had to take this in order for me to notice that she has planned to do this the whole time. I guess I just didn't want to give up hope. Even if there is to be a divorce, I will not give up. Not only because I'll always love my W, but because of my daughter too. I still can't believe this is actually happening to me.

For all of those who are standing or have stood for their marriage for so long, how did you do it? How on earth did you manage to deal with the pain?