What do you do when you find out your W has an A with your brother in law? He is not just a brother in law but since I have no brothers he was as close as I could get to one. The only reason I found out was because I intercepted a phone call, after that she admitted most and later after much prying admitted to everything. It has only been a week and I have told her that I still loved her and she has told me the same. I do admit that I have a hard time showing my feelings, ( a hereditary thing). And she told me she wasn't looking but she needed someone to talk too. I am very lost, disgusted, and deeply betrayed on two fronts, but the fact that I love my wife is still there, amazingly enough. I also have to admit to my own A with a coworker that ended about 3 years ago...never had one before or after. I do not think she ever quite got over it, and I now know the unbelievably deep pain that she felt. I can forgive her...I cannot forgive him. In fact other than the 3 of us, no one else knows. I do not want my sister too hurt this way, nor her 4 kids. I also have 3 little girls whom I wish no pain on...I feel like he is just getting away with it...how do I deal with this..I am looking for some guidance!

LC...I am so very sorry for this double betrayal. Please read what is on this site, it has a lot of valuable information in which to draw strength.

When the betrayal takes place within the family, it makes it much harder to heal. You've got your sister's emotional well being on your mind, while your's is in an uproar. It's almost impossible to establish NC, which is usually the first thing each of us needs to make the decision to try to heal.

To be honest, at the moment, I don't have a clue on how to go about handling this one. Since you don't want your sister to know, you're carrying a very heavy load which will cause you a lot of extra suffering. Can you keep this type of a secret when next you see your sister and her H? I doubt that I could.

May God guide you to the answers you need. Good Luck!

First Welcome to MBer's. Sorry you have to be here, but with the circumstances you couldn't have come to a better place. I think you will find the BEST of people to help you here. Actually there have been several lately with very simular situations, brother or sister situations. I'm not sure how to link you to those threads, but I'm sure someone will come along that can do it. Also I should tell you weekends are rather slow, but help is on the way. Look for Ammon, Just the Wifey, and many many more.

One thing I would say right off the bat that I feel quite confident in giving you time to think on is. I know you don't want to hurt you sister and that's admirable and all. But in not telling her, you may be hurting her and her marriage in the long run MORE than by telling her and giving her marriage the chance to work through whatever needs to be worked out or is lacking that lead your bro-in-law to be vulnerable to be a wayward spouse...or even worse have a pattern or do it again to your sister and their children. So think about that.

It's good that even through your pain you do realize there is work to be done on both side. It was your W's decision to have the A, but it took you both to have a breakdown in the marriage. That is such a good start. So many times it seems time is wasted on the the blame game. As I see it, you are ahead of the game. That's great!

Again, I'm sorry for your pain. I wish you the most peaceful healing and restoration in your marriage. Keep posting, read the article, ask questions....and know there are people here for you through the bad days and times.

Blessings~

Thank you both for the quick replies. I need to explain a couple more things about why it would be devastating to Tell anyone, I feel trapped and I feel if I am the only one who knows then maybe I can shield the others from the pain, ie: Children, parents etc..
My sister lives 5 minutes from me, in fact we moved to our current location because she, along with my other sister were close by. My kids and my sisters kids are not only cousins but great friends. If I tell my sister she will resent my wife and I am sure take that away from my kids. We consistently had them over for dinner and games etc...now it seems so lost, my life has changed forever. I am afraid to even call my sister in fear he may answer. He sent me an email saying that he was sorry and that it would have ended soon anyway, but how am I to believe anything right now?
Still seeking guidance...

Thank you for replying to my cry for help! I could only wish there were not so many of us in pain over the betrayal of our significant other. I would love to give you advice,but, considering that I am not even a week into knowing of my husbands infidelity I do not know what to say. I hope to work this out myself and wish you the same happiness. God bless and guide us through this horrible road in our lives.
Kimmierw

I am sorry for your pain. I really do think it is only honorable to inform your sister. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want your sister to tell you? She has a right to know and you are really disrespecting her tremendously by not allowing her to know the truth. By the way, your brother in law's comment that he was sorry but it was going to end soon anyway made me sick.
What was the point of that comment? Was he saying I am sorry but I was getting tired of having sex with your wife behind your back so I was going to end it sooner or later anyway? I can only imagine the double betrayal you are going through. The bottom line the way I see it is that you are withholding information that your sister deserves to have. You would expect truthfullness and loyalty within your familiy. Again you would expect to have had your sister tell you this if the roles were reversed. She a right to know and I think you know this. When she eventually finds out she will be enormously angry and feeling betrayed by you also for withholding this information. You are really making a mistake.
I feel so sorry for you that your wife could have done such a horrible thing to you. I wish you luck.

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Again, I appreciate the replies, they are helping me cope and understand. But to make this even worse...My sister is a 43 yr old diabetic, who recently has been having troubles with her blood sugar levels, she needs someone around her. I personally had to go over there a couple months ago because she was dangerously low and completely out of it. If I do tell her...what then? She will be without a husband, not that he is much of one, but he is still there. As you can see I am in an extremely tough place right now. Life as I knew it has been turned upside down.

I replied in your wife's post in GQ. You're using the same name.

I am almost in a similar spot. I had an A with my cousin's H while separated from my H. I am still separated. Like your wife, I have never thought that I would do something like this in my life.

OM and I decided not to tell anyone about the truth. Believing that it will minimize the damaged we have done. But, I have doubt with that decision. But again, I have no courage to speak out.

May God help us in our situation.

~God Bless~

LC..
I read yuor posts and I just have to say. I know what you are going through. I came here 9 weeks ago ( seems like last week) with a similar story. It involved my H and my sis.. I caught them kissing in my kitchen at 3 am just a few days after xams.. My closest sis and my H. talk about a double betrayal.. My whole life has been turned upside down.. we have been in counseling for about 8 weeks.. I will tell you that it will be an emotional roller coaster. One that you will at times just wish you could jump off and die. How do you go on at home just functioning though everyday life>? how do you go on with the extended family issues?? Do i look like a fool >> ?? blah blah blah.. I could go on for hours. But a few things that I learned from coming here,
ONE, do not make any decisions right now while you are angry and emotionally out of it and 2 seek counseling. It will help YOU to deal with the pain. This betrayal has been like a greiving process for me. It will help you to understand that what you are feeling are all part of the process. and lastly. I am still dealing with this one.. You cannot move forward if you do not leave the past behind you.... I am not there yet.. I am hoping to get there at some point but my counselor has said I am not ready yet. anyway I feel for ya . I really do.. Hang in there and whatever you decide to do DO IT for you..

Oh one last thing LC..... I forgot to ask you, you said you can forgive her but not him, MY BIL is blaming my H . He forgave her but wont forgive my H.. what is the difference here?? just curious cuz see I blame them both . I saw them and they BOTH were very involved in that kiss and when I hear that he blames my H i guess I just dint get it,, I think i forgot to tell you that we hosted a part earlier that evening and that they were both trashed. doesnt calm me much BUT i do know that alcohol did play a factor. But tell me why you blame him more. Is it easier??? I think they were both wrong.. BOTH.. I dunno what do you think??

Oh one last thing LC..... I forgot to ask you, you said you can forgive her but not him, MY BIL is blaming my H . He forgave her but wont forgive my H.. what is the difference here?? just curious cuz see I blame them both . I saw them and they BOTH were very involved in that kiss and when I hear that he blames my H i guess I just dint get it,, I think i forgot to tell you that we hosted a part earlier that evening and that they were both trashed. doesnt calm me much BUT i do know that alcohol did play a factor. But tell me why you blame him more. Is it easier??? I think they were both wrong.. BOTH.. I dunno what do you think??

OOps . did not mean to post that last reply twice,, My PC was acting up anyway, my origional post is Hubby caught kissing sister.. I do not really know how to do the thread thing but you can search by my member number too. I am proud of you though, You can tell your wife you love her, It has been nine weeks and I have not been able to say that again yet.I did not have an affair though so may be different. I am still very angry and bitter and resentful.. hang in there. You seem like a strong person.

Thanks for the reply, It's good to see that I am not alone in these situations. Yes I can forgive her probably because I can see my faults, which are not exclusive to my affair. I can also say that forgiving though not easy, is easier than forgetting. I geuss the reason for my ability to forgive her and not him is simple, I never wronged him in anyway, at least none that I know of. He has been like a brother to me for 20 years.

Didn't finish that last reply.
I was going to tell you that the visions of the two of them still make me nauseous, and at those times I find it very hard to even look at her, I don't know if that will ever subside, I sure hope it does. I will never completely get over it and I don't think anyone ever does. The hurt that we sustain is very deep and unforgetting.
I wish you the best of luck in your situation and I hope that one day you will be able to forgive.
One last thing, A big reason that I am able to forgive is I still believe that she loves me, and I am sure you are thinking..then how or why did she do such a thing....That answer is a toughie and to some extent I geuss you have to be in the "Fog" that they speak of in this website.

LC.I am sorry if I seemed insensitive about you blaming him more and forgiving her. Like I told you my BIL really blames my H. He will hold a grudge for I do not know how long. My Sis said she said its just a guy thing but I am sorry it takes two.It must be easier for him to blame my H cuz for one he is not married to him and 2 we live 3 hours away from each other. I have known my sister for all of our lives. I have been married to my H for 3.5 years. I guess I could blame her more easily because I have never done anything to her and for her to do this to Me her own blood. It is nearly unforgivable but surely unforgettable especially because we had a very close relationship. I blame my husband more at times because I am married to him.. we had a marrital committment that was broken and betrayed. He was my best friend in the whole world. The person that I shared my thoughts , desires dreams with. A marriage is a relationship unlike no other. As you can probably tell I am still bitter. I am in a little bit different situation than you are in the fact that It was MY SISTER and my H / I will have to attend family functions ( which I already have except for BIL was not there ) that will mean we all will be there together. I cannot cut off my relationship with my whole family just to avoid her. ( they do nOT know). But on the other hand I ahve to live with my H if i choose to stay.. I am trying to forgive but our relationship is just not the same. I urge you to seek counseling because I really do not think that you can really truly forgive someone that quickly. In time maybe . If you do not deal with all of it now it will come back to haunt you. I have to learn to the past behind me if I have a chance of moving forward in my marriage.. So far I have not been able to do that.. It has been 9 weeks. MC says that is not nearly enough time to get over this kind of betrayal..I did not mean to ramble on I guess i just wanted to see why you blamed the OM so much. That is what is happening to my H by my BIL. I am trying to forgive both and keep in mind this was a drunken kiss .. although very passionate. yes I beleive my H loves me but that is just not enough right now beacuse I do not trust him at all right now.. He broke that... He broke my heart... Keep me posted.. Just make sure you are true in what you believe...

You are right, It is real hard to forgive something that happened this recently. I also said that I can see giving her forgiveness, and I believe that I pushed her into it to some extent, not the extent that she went to. I did not meet her emotional needs and I did in fact have an A prior. Do you think that is why I want to forgive? Because of the guilt I have felt over the years?
I am also in the same predicament as you, My family does not know and family functions are going to hell. I don't know how to deal with that situation AT ALL!
I am embarrassed, can you explain that one?

LC.
Maybe the guilt and all from your previous A does make a difference.. I feel like I had a bomb dropped on me.. Totally great marriage and all.. I know what you mean about the family functions.. Just us knowing is enough for me.. I worry that someone will find out and that the family will become divided. I do not want that.. I used to go to my sisters house as soon as I go t into town to see her and her 3 lil boys.. I will hardly get to see them now,. She used to visit me here more than anyone else as well. Its tough// I am sorry to have babbled before I guess I just got upset about the blaming the guy more thing cuz of my BIL.. My sis is a big flirt when she drinks its not usually with my H though.. anyways keep me posted and hang in there.. I will be around here for awhile I am sure..