I have plans to meet with my OM for the first time, this weekend. I was so excited until I started reading all your posts. Are you sure an affair is not the right thing? I have talked with some people who say it is really great.

Hi Elli,

Are you sure that you are at the right sight???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I don't think that you're going to find many people here that think that it's all that "great"...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Are you willing to end your marriage in divorce?
Are you willing to put your husband through enormous pain and put his health at risk? Are you willing to destroy everything you have? If you think this sounds great then I guess your friends are right and that it is great. By the way how would you feel if your significant other was thinking of doing to you what you are thinking of doing to him? It is very bad karma.
What goes around...........

Who said it is great? I don't mean their names, I am referring to their character type.

ie: mothers, friends, neighbors, single acquaintances, relatives, teachers, workmates, bar hoppers, priest, doctor, dentist, etc.

L.

Elli -
I read your post on P & C, and now this one..Okay, part of me is wondering if this isn't just a sick joke, however, I will push that thought aside and reply...

Having an affair with this man will be the single most destructive, disresprectful, hurtful thing you could do to your H, yourself and your marriage.

End it before it even "begins" and focus on your marriage and yourself. The way to do it is to NOT go through with your meeting, and cut off all contact with this person asap. End of story. Simple. Not easy, but simple.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Elli:
<strong>I have talked with some people who say it is really great.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I responded to your post in GQII also. Let me just say how great an affir is.

Since D-day, I have been suicidal, depressed (still am), lost about 20 pounds (and I was skinny to begin with), have lost trust for most people especiall women (sorry) and becasue I was depressed my business is falling apart.

That was four months ago. Now I am still depressed, trying to gain my weight back, seeing a counselor so I can make it through each day and trying to rebuild my business.

For three weeks, I held a loaded gun in my hand not wanting to face another day because of what my wife had done. I couldn't leave the house and when I did I wanted to drive off a bridge so I wouldn't feel anymore pain. I didn't want to eat, cried all the time and couldn't work.

Now at the same time, my wife was out living with OM having the time of her life while her husband was at home struggling through each day.

I would like to know who told you an A was great? I can tell you how great my wife's A has been for me.

BTW, no she wants a divorce and want me to pay alimony! And she had the affair!

OK sorry to get on my soapbox. If you want to save your M, than we can help. If you want to justify your actions than I am sorry you have come to the wrong place.

JMVHO.

STTSI

Eli...are you married? Is the OM married? Are you ready to begin living half a life with one man? If you're married, you'll be lying to your H, betraying your vows, sneaking around trying to keep your little secret. IF he's married, you'll be his secret, one who can't share in his whole life, only in those areas where he is "safe" from being seen by his W, his family, his friends, his co-workers. His W will be sharing all those times with him, not you.

If you're both married, you'll both be lying to your spouses. You'll both have the fear of someone who knows the other seeing you if you ever venture out together. You'll wonder if he's still having sex with his W. He'll wonder if you're still having sex with your H.

Ever time he doesn't call...you'll die just a little bit. Wondering why he hasn't called, does his W know, how can he keep you so in the dark when you mean the world to him.

Whenever you can't call him, he'll be wondering if your H's has discovered the affair. Are you wanting to pull back and end things?

Sure, affairs can be great....for the two people who want to play at life. But life will catch up and even if no one ever discovers your affair...you'll know. You'll know that either you have an H at home who thinks you love him, he'll have a W at home who thinks he loves her.

But those "great" affairs, when hit with a spouse discovering the betrayal, will lead to months of pain and sorrow and anger for your/his spouse AND for you and him. You'll see your life as you know it torn into shreds, you'll lose all the trust which is given by your spouse, he'll lose all of his. You'll hurt your children/his children if there are any...as living in a home where betrayal has happened, even if unknown by the children...they suffer as their parents are torn in two.

There are NO winners in affairs. Beware where your heart is leading you!

Elli, I know you've been getting it with both barrels here and I pray it helps you change your mind.

Think ahead..when the "fun" subsides, the "Friendship" dies..you will feel disappointed in yourself, could end up with a STD, you will be rejected and or angry, you will fear seeing him again..there is no future to anticipate in an affair.

Think aobut today and be good to yourself..."to thine own self be true." You don't need an OM. You need dignity and self-worth. You really are worth it.

Thank you!!! Thank you!!! I am beginning to feel strength I have not been able to before I started reading your words. Alberta, I wish this were a joke. It seems rediculous enough to be one - I see this from the outside but now I need to understand it from the inside.

I am supposed to be getting myself and my kids (6&8 years old)ready for work and school but I am hanging on to all your words and would rather spend the day here building strength. So to answer your question on my profile I am 35 years old with a D and S. I have been married 11/12? years. I will focus on my marriage and tell OM to forget it. Now, to mentally prepare for all this and figure out exactly how I should go about it.

Elli-
I'm glad to hear you are not going through with this. Excellent. You are being true to yourself and your vows. You don't need to explain a thing to OM except that you are OUT.

God Bless

If you seriously want to work on your marriage, then pick up Dr. Harley's book "His Needs/Her Needs - Building an Affair Proof Marriage". It will really give you some great advice on how to build up the love between you and your husband, restore that intimacy, and become best friends again.

I'm so glad you're not going to have an affair. Speaking from the betrayed side of one, it is the most absolutly intense for of pain ever. I never knew a human could survive this kind of pain... Some don't..

yea afairs are great. i never sleep. I lost 18 pounds. I still can't eat. My wife cried herself to sleep for months. Still does at times. I aged myself 10 years. Sex is now awkward. There's no trust. I spend $150 a week in counseling. And for what? Don't do it.

Thanks to you all. Thank you, thank you. My OM calls me tonight at 8PM and I will tell him it is over. I feel strong. I hear your sorrws and pain. No selfish act is worth such demoralization. Just think... you all made a difference.

I will let you know the outcome. I hope it is a good one.

Elli

Elli,
Now the real work begins.............What has happened in your M that made you decide to give an EMA a try?

This is a question that you should think long and hard about. I suggest that you read the article up on Steve Harley's main site about Meeting Emoptional Needs. Maybe it will give you some food for thought. I would then sit down with H and try to discuss. How do you think H would react to such a conversation?

cwmac

I will do that. I think my H would be very receptive. I will read Dr. Harley's EN article again. I've read it and have been through all the stuff, including questionnaires. I probably need to order his book.

Thanks-

Elli,
You are welcome.I'm thankful that your H doesn't have to go through all of the pain.

If you have alot of courage and honesty, you may want to tell your H about your infidelitous thoughts.It will hurt in the short run and help in the long run. If you have second thoughts and want to meet the OM it will help you stopif your H is aware. Don't buy into the thought process that says "what he doesn't know won't hurt him." Lies will hurt your relationship. Come out into the light!

I would also write a letter of NC and give a copy to your H. This way you are on record w/ OM & H.

Don't take theeasy way out.It's not the best.

Well... I told OM it was over and it didn't work. We ended up talking, talking and leaving on the note that we will still keep in contact.

This is shameful. Through your words and insights I will find the courage to tell my H so I can proceed with a NC letter - or something.

Thanks all,
Elli

I don't even understand this , what do you mean you told him it didn't work? You talked and talked ???????? No you are an adult and in charge of your life no one makes you do or say anything you don't want to .

Get on the phone with OM in front of H ( after u tell H all ) and just tell him I am M and this is a poor choice and thats it I love my H and have a nice life .

Thats all , if you want your H and your M there is no one or nothing that can stop that .

If someone does not have a 357 pointed to your head or knife to your throat then no one can force you to talk, be friends, or anything for that matter IT IS YOUR CHOICE .

There is no lets be friends , he wants to get in your pants and the attention may be nice but the price is HIGH and JMO but not even the wealthest person can afford all the pain .

If you want OM then let your H go and start your life if not tell OM to take a hike , talking to him in this manner was already a mistake that will cause pain .

JMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tsk, tsk Elli!

Don't beat yourself up. This is difficult at best. If I understand correctly, the planned meeting will not or has not happened? If so, then you have scored a small victory already and you can celebrate that.

IMHO NC is easier once the A is exposed. Tell your H soonest and tell all. One of the results of the A coming to light is the loss of trust and there is nothing worse than to hear a little more every couple of weeks or so. All the regained trust goes down the drain and it is start over time. Your H sounds like a good, decent man and you might be pleasantly surprized by the support he will provide.

The fact that you are posting here shows that you have honest motives. I will not repeat what others have posted, but support their views strongly. They are the voices of experience. Once the false romance of the A has been stripped away, only heartbreak remains - for everybody.

The time to act is now, I know this is tough, but do it!

Good luck and God Bless,

GreySkies

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: GreySkies ]</small>

Ellie,

The fact that you decided not to have a PA is a good start.

Now you need to realize that you are already having an EA. Continuing contact with the OM continues the affair. EA's are just as devastating to a M as PA's. All of the same elements are there just no sex. There's secrecy, lying, sharing inner thoughts with someone other than your S,etc.etc. Just the time alone is unfair to your S. How many hours a week do you spend thinking of or talking to the OM? All of these take away from the intimacy between you and your H. Also the unacted upon sexual chemistry may remain in the R and it could turn sexual later in a moment of weakness.

I still don't think you have gotten to the root of the problem. What EN's were you allowing the OM to fill? Until you figure that out and go to your H and ask him to fill those needs, the A is alive.

Another issue that hasn't been addressed in this thread relates to your very first post. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have talked with some people who say it is really great.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who were these people? Friends? Family?Co-workers? I suggest you run not walk away from them. Find a group of friends who won't make it easy to continue this A. My guess is that if they suggested a PA they won't have any understanding as to why you need to end the relationship altogether and write a NC letter.

Next step....write a NC letter. Don't call him and give him the oppurtunity to talk you out of it. Then take adeep breath and sit down and have a long talk with your H. Remember don't make excuses that makes recovery harder. Tell him the truth. You had a stupid idea and got horrible advise.

You have taken some of the advice given here on this thread but you have conveniently avoided some. Unfortunately you can't have it both ways. So who are you going to choose the OM or your H?? It's your choice.