Hello

I've never done this and i've only read a few so I wont be using abreviations.

My husband had an affair 7 months ago with a co-worker. He did not confess, I found out. Obviously, I am completely devestated.

He quit his job immediately the day I found out. He never stepped foot in that office again. He has done everything to make it up to me. He has made his life an open book to me. He is constantly doing extra's at home to help me. He is constantly telling me how much he loves me and cares for me. He is obviously sorry for what he has done and he really wants things to work.

My problem is that I can't seem to get over this. I can't seem to trust him...AT ALL. He now has a new job and I am worrying all the time if he is having another affair or if he is falling for someone in the office. I know that I am wrong for not trusting him. I want to trust him. I just simply don't know where to start. I'm tired of waking up everyday with pain and heartache. I am tired of accusing him. I want this to go away. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to rebuild trust? I have NO trust in him...I am going to be starting from a blank page. Is this possible? or is our marriage doomed?

Two things that are GOOD - you found this site, and your husband is remorseful and is trying to restore your marriage.

Betrayal is terrible - it is the worst pain I have ever known in my lifetime. Regaining the trust is difficult but possible, however, in my case I know that my trust will never be blind again. I am trustful, but at the same time wary, if that makes any sense.

Read all you can on this site. Two books I recommend are "After the Affair" by Janis A Spring and "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.
Get those asap - and BOTH of you read them.

I also recommend counselling - but it may take time to find the right counsellor. My H hated our counsellor, but I quite liked him, and he was familiar with Dr. Harley and had read his books.

Time, time, time, time,.... it all takes time.
Use this forum as often as you need to - vent here and get support here.

I too am new to this, I joined MB(Marriage Builders) last week and it has helped me alot. I have only been married for 9 months and my H (husband) was cheating on me before the engagement , during the planning of the wedding and during the marriage. It has been very hard for me. I know about loosing the trust. I trusted my husband enough to leave a Job of 10 years and my home in philadelphia to marry and move to Maryland where I had no friends or family. My husband has been sleeping with his exgirlfriend after telling me he ended it. I feel they were laughing at me while they were together. I still don't know if he is still seeing her, he has not done anything to prove to me that its over and he will do anything to make me feel better. (seems to me your husband is trying to do that) My husband an I are seeking help but I think he is going thu the motions long enough to calm me down and wait for things to get back to normal. I would love to be able to give you advice but Im here looking for the same thing you are. I can only help by telling you to keep praying, and talk with the members here. They are so helpful and they will give you strength to find away to save your marriage. I cry every night, I dream of him and her, everytime he leaves the house I wonder. However, he is willing to seek help and that lets me know he is trying and willing to work at saving our marriage. Keep talking to the members you will find comfort and support.

God Bless

ACP2002 --

Welcome to MB. We'll help you with this all we can. Many of us here have gone through this pain so you're among sympathetic friends.

First, realize the enormity of your wounds, both emotional and physical. This is major trauma, not something you'll "get over" and recover from in a matter of days. As with any severe injury, healing takes a long time, maybe months or even years.

So what you're feeling and where you are is completely normal and right where you need to be for now. You are absolutely not wrong for not trusting him; how could you possibly be anywhere else? Why in the world SHOULD you trust him after a betrayal of this magnitude?

Give yourself time to recover and have much patience. Your husband holds the keys to your healing and the rebuilding of your trust. It certainly sounds as if he's doing all the right things to get your relationship back on track. Not only is he remorseful and caring with you, but you're very aware of those qualities in him. I'd say you two have a very good shot at complete recovery.

You don't say how long it's been since you learned of his affair but I'm assuming that it's been recently. If that's the case, your wounds are still open and raw. Healing is a lengthy process and stability will return to your life and you will survive; it's that certain!

Your marriage is far from doomed, even though you may have doubts at this point. Don't! Know that this is very doable. What it looks like and feels like for you today will not be how things will be down the road. How long? Everyone is different and the process is affected by variables of consistency and commitment. No timetable here; it'll take as long as it takes. Remember, you have no trust in him for now because he's ripped it out of your relationship. You are where you need to be.

Please post again and let us know how you're doing. We're here for you...

Ammon

ACP,
How long have you been married? Was this an emotional affair or purely sexual? How long did it go on? Are there children involved? I would like to try and offer advice but you were very vague in your situation.
Let me know, I have been there would love to help you .
Heart2003

Dearest ACP,

How sad it is you find yourself here, but be sound in the knowledge this is the place to be.

I am sorry for your pain. Betrayal is one of the deepest wounds. I hope you are looking after yourself through this time. You are a vip too.

there are many wonderful people on this board to help you through this, many of us sadly know the pain and the frustrations you are experiencing. and I see you have the Mr Wonderful himself "Ammon" batting for you. Your probably at this point have no idea how lucky you are!!! ( though after reading his post you I guess by now you have a fairly good idea)

If there is one thing I can say to you is listen to Ammon... I hold him totally responsible for the wonderful state my marriage is in following the discovery of my husbands affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Trust is very hard to regain if not the hardest.

Working to rebuild that trust takes time and patience. It sounds as though your husband is very remorseful and is living his life as an open book . .. that is so very important in rebuilding that lost trsut.

Read all you can on this site, get yourself into councelling. And I will re-iterate again , look after yourself, even if it means a visit to your local health care professional. A healthy body and a healthy mind will help you to regain your healthy marriage, because it is hard work. But it can be done.

take care. Dino.

Wow! I can't believe the response.

I actually feel a sense of relief to know that every marriage isn't perfect and they can survive the ultimate pain. Part of pain came from my feelings of shame. I haven't been able to share this with any friends or family members. I feel like they will look down upon my husband and myself and ultimately not support the marriage anymore. I didn't even realize that I am humilated by this until I read these responses and a weight was lifted.

I have one baby with him, a 5 month old. He is also the step-father to my 6 year old daughter. This happened in July/August of last year and I found out about it at the same time. I found a note in his case from a young girl in his office. She was saying that she always falls in love with unavailable men and she said some other insignifgant things. I confronted him and he confessed to me that this woman was coming on really strong. She was making him feel really good about himself. He continued to tell me that on several occasions they had kissed and felt one another in a sexual manner. He denies actually having intercourse with her although, I'm not sure if I believe that. He broke down and appologized. He said it was a mistake and he was sorry. He keeps saying to this day that he wishes he could take it back. He told me that he has a problem, he told me he didn't understand why he couldn't just tell her to back off. He claimed that it certainly didn't have anything to do with me or a lack of love for me in anyway. That he was the problem and he would get help. He started seeing a counselor 1 week later and has been seeing one since. I have been going to my own private counselor as well. In a few weeks we are going to start seeing my counselor together. He also, as I said quit his job the day that he confessd. He called his boss and said he was having a family emergency and that he would not be able to fulfill his duties. He did not go back in, not even to retrieve his things.

When I step back from the situation and I read these things. I realize that he seems to being doing everything that he needs to be doing. I understand that it will take time. I just wish I could offer him more than anger and resentment. I seem obsessed with the idea that he might be falling in love with someone in his new workplace. I am having nightmares about it and my counselor keeps telling me that I just need to dive in and trust him. I am having a hard time doing this. I feel like a fool for trusting him, whenever I actually do extend that privlage to him. I just feel lost at this point. I think that i'm being irrational and emotional and I'm not sure how to escape it. I wish I has some simple precise steps that I could follow to attempt to regain some trust. This is so frustrating. My husband is getting to a point where he doesn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. He never complains, he never once has said to me...when are you going to get over this?! He has said to me time and time again, that he will spend the rest of his life if he has to proving to me that I can trust him and he is sorry. Why can't I cut him some slack? I can see he is hurting. I am angry with myself now for not being able to just pick up and start over. I want freedom from this so much. I have made few, if any steps toward rebuilding my life. I still let this hurt me so deeply. If I pretend to make steps and I have a good week...by the end of that week all I have to do is think about the situation and he did and the pain rushes back and I feel like I have to start all over again.

I'm going on and on. I should stop. Thank you all for your responses. I would appreciate any more advice. Even if I am wrong, even if you think I am a nutcase, just tell me! I want to get better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

No, you're not a nutcase nor a fool by any stretch of the word.

For myself personally, I found the best way to detatch from the pain of it was to write or basically externalise from it. I wrote and I wrote. Letters to my husband ( some handed over, some eerrrmm were a bit rash!), letters to OW ( never sent)eventually I got the point where I could write a letter to myself. I am now at peace from the pain and the resentment for the OW and my husband and his actions. I remember it, but now its like looking at it from the outside. I will never forget it, but it won't own me anymore.. We are on about the same timeline by the way. Im 6 months down the track.

Just think all wasted negative energy you are using on anger and resentment ( which is normal after a trauma of this magnitude), could be very well used positivly on recovery.

As for trusting him..that will come bit by bit. I have reserved my right with my husband to achieve a Healthy lack of trust. If something is bothering me, I will check.

I won't lie to you, this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. But the hard slog is worth it. They dont call it a roller coaster ride for nothing!.

Take care.