I found out 6 months ago that my husband has been cheating on me for about 5 years. The kicker is that it was with other men. One of the affairs was ongoing with one man for about 4 years. The other affairs were online affairs. He had a secret email account that I accidentally stumbled upon. That email account had 39 mens names in it. He tells me he's sorry and that he's not gay or bisexual. I also discovered that he had at least three different ads placed on internet sites looking for "a man or gay couple for sex". We have three children together. I loved this man with my whole heart and soul. He made me believe in the word soulmate. I am totally devestated. The unbelievable part is that he was married before and his wife left him for another woman. He was also sexually abused as a child. I know I am grasping for straws but could that have anything to do with it. We are in counselling and he says he's very sorry and he adamantly denies that he is gay or bisexual- -I am just wondering if I am wasting my time with someone that may actally prefer being with a man - -Does anybody have any advice?

Bonnie...So sorry!

He's been in an on-going affair with a man for four years??? And he's not gay or bisexual? DUH! He may not be willing to admit it...but that not only sounds like a duck and looks like a duck...that's a mighty big duck!!!!

Of course sexual abuse as a child may well be the basis for what is happening...however it doesn't excuse his betrayals.

He may not prefer men to women, then again he may. Right now, taking aside the issue of STD's which this betrayal raises, he is/was cheating. Rather with a man or a woman, he betrayed his vows of marriage.

I am glad to see that you are in counseling. Hopefully you've got a good one who is going to at the very least get him to admit to himself that he's got some serious issues to work through. You also have those which are based solely on the betrayal issue and the added ones of bisexuality or his being gay.

I'm sorry, not a lot of advice, as this is difinitely outside my experience. Betrayals can be overcome and you can build a stronger and healthier marriage. First your H has to discover "who" he is, before he can make the type of commitment to your marriage so that you have what you need to make your own commitment to the marriage.

Good Luck!

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I was afraid that no one would respond - after all I know it's a little unusual and still taboo for many people to think about let alone discuss. I also realize, since this happened to me, that this type of behaviour is more prevalent than many would like to believe.
We are in counselling and it has helped us to begin to deal with the affair itself. However, the counsellor seems to want to avoid the issue of H's sexuality and that plays a pretty HUGE role in what has happened and where our lives go from here.
When I found out about the affair you know how utterly destroyed you feel. When I found out about the other men - words fail me, I think I am still in shock.
The issue of STD's has been approached, naturally, and both myself and the children have seen our family doctor and given a clean bill of health. He swears that sexual contact was limited to touching and talking only - BUT with someone who has been so good at lying to me and with our childrens health at stake I couldn't take chances.
I'm new to this site and am at the point where I will take any advice. Then again just to have someone to talk to helps. As you can imagine to tell someone that your husband has been unfaithful is one thing to tell them he has betrayed you for another man is something else. My self esteem has hit earth shattering lows.
Once again - thanks for replying to my post!!

Bonnie...was wondering, is your H in any type of individual counseling on dealing with his sexual ID? He's going to need to face this aspect of it at some point. You can't just accept that this part of the betrayal can go undercover and not be addressed, at the very least for himself, in not you and the children.

Glad you checked in with your doctor, smart lady, not hiding your head in the sand. Did your doctor and you consider some anti-depression meds for you to help get you through this time?

I really can not relate to the bisexuality of all this...but being betrayed has little to do with the sex of the OP...you're still going to be dealing with betrayal...and that I can try to help.

Being betrayed is so very painful and so very confusing. The emotions which we must face are usually those we've had no experience with and they are overwhelming. Since we've never had to learn to control these basic and so strong emotions, we are often incapable of dealing with them for some period of time. Know that what you are feeling is completely normal!!!!

Good Luck!