My wife hasn't been the same for nearly two years. She left a job she liked, took one she didn't, and started living a 'different life'. She would stay out late, go to bars and poolhalls with single men, drink heavily - and 'stay with a friend' overnight on many occasions.

I encouraged her to see a psychiatrist for depression (which runs in her family). She resisted out of fear of embarrasment. Things continued, and the lies mounted. I caught her in one lie after another of where she was and with whom. I started spying and snooping.

Last week I found out she had been unfaithful with a man I had been suspicious of for some time. She had always told me there was nothing. Now she admitted it. I told her I was leaving. She threatened to kill herself and spent four days in a psyciatric hospital.

She is now on medication and under the care of a good doctor. She says she 'feels like herself again' and that the past months are a blur. She feels that the infidelity was a mistake; 'I was drinking...', 'I didn't know what I was doing...', 'It was horrible...'.

My question is - is that enough? Is this 'illness' a valid excuse? Or more to the point, should I be more willing to forgive her because she shows regret AND 'wasn't herself'?

I am torn. I love my wife deeply and have for many years. But I have an idealistic view of marriage - and she DID have sex with another man after I warned her that her behavior wasn't appropriate. It has only been a few days since the discovery, but I am having trouble getting over this. It comes to mind often. I have purchased a couple books on 'suriving adultery' and the like, and I am willing to go to a counselor if necessary.

What should I do?

Todd

Todd...sorry you've found a need for this site, but you did find a good one! Please read and take from it what you feel will benefit your marriage and your situation. You'll discover that the emotions you are feeling and those your W are feeling are normal.

As for depression: While depression does not excuse an affair in anyway, it can be one of the factors which leads to affairs. (My H has been on medication through out our marriage for childhood issues and chemcial imbalance.)

Depression by it's very nature makes it almost impossible for the one who is suffering to reach out for help. It sneaks up and leaves the depressed person blindsided and all they see is darkness. Add in drinking heavily (as my H did also), and you've got a dangerous situation and one that is ripe for affairs. They can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, they are likely to grab onto anything which lifts their spirits, the drinking clouds their reason...and the rest is written in the tears of the betrayed.

To forgive is completely up to you. Likely to have peace within your own heart, forgiveness will come for HER. This doesn't mean that you will ever forgive the act...just the person.

It's also completely up to you if you choose to try and rebuild your marriage (of course W needs to choose also). If you still love her! If she is truly remorseful! If the two of you are willing to do the hard work of rebuilding...it can be done!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">idealistic view of marriage </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow...how long have you been married since you've been able to keep that view? I think I lost it about 14 minutes after I said "I do!". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Of course, you're correct, betrayals of this nature are never expected nor are they condoned! There is NO excuse or reason to cheat! It's wrong! Nothing more to say about that part!

But your discover is new. My advice is to NEVER make any decisions set in cement for several months after d-day (discovery day). It will stay on your mind almost every minute of every day for what will seem like forever. This is a process of healing. And it does take time and work and patience. It is NOT easy.

BUT...if your marriage is worth saving...then you must at least attempt to save it. Usually there is so much more good in the marriage. But this is for you to decide when the timeing is right for you.

Please do seek out a good counselor who both you and your W will feel comfortable with....one who you can be open and honest with. Try to be sure that you find one who is pro-marriage, willing to do the work of helping to guide each of you to self-discovery and learning new tools to communicate.

Good Luck!

btw...has your W stopped drinking?

There is NO excuse for adultery. NONE.

Her depression may have "weakened her resolve"...it certainly did with my wife. But the onus is on her to stop making excuses for perverted behavior...and start showing you the love you deserve.

It is a long road my friend. Expect yourself to ride quite a rollercoaster of love and hate...it won't be easy....but "love conquers all things".....

P.S. If she tries to blame you...tune her out.

i second that,,no excuse.depression can be used to excuse her state of mind and behavior,not her actions.if she is allowed to give an excuse and it is accepted now she could use that same excuse in the future.

any spouce that cheats is not"thier selves".atleast not the person we married.

in your case you will have to be the judge,jury and sentencer.you know her better than us.

one fact is you confronter her about this before it happened.depression aside she still knew how you felt about this.and did it anyway.

I was depressed and wanted an A for years. I was depressed because I avoided conflict and stuffed my own anger at the state of my marriage, which came out as depression. Could she be angry with you, and not be telling you?

There is no excuse, but there are frequently reasons.

I know exactly how you are feeling as I found out only a few days ago (my story "Four Lovers & A Baby is on this discussion forum)

My wife was under medication during her first affair and was very emotionally mixed up.

Unfortunately she then went on to further affairs with alcohol as the reason.

I am not trying to influence you in any way, but I have decided to forgive her and try to rebuild what we have left ... despite much encouragement from others on the forum to throw her out immediately.

I may be wrong but I still love my wife dearly and prefer to think of the many good times we had together, rather than the affairs ... even though I am obviously devastated, angry and confused.

She is very ashamed now but I respect the fact that she eventually came clean about everything, including affairs of which I had no idea and would never have found out now that we have moved countries.

It is only my way of dealing with things but I have found that talking with her about it ... except of course the sordid details, seems to be helping as we can now hopefully get to the bottom of the problems (which may have also been caused by my neglect and lack of conversation, being wrapped up in a career)

Knowing the whole truth may or may not help you ... think about it first ... but my wife sitting down and being absolutely truthful about everything instills confidence in me and I believe is helping her.

She knows that this is her last chance and I believe that she wants to make amends ... all I want is for her to stay BECAUSE SHE WANTS ME, not because she wants to lose her lifestyle, possibly her daughter etc.

If she cannot stay for this reason we would be doomed to failure eventually as she would feel trapped.

I wish you the very best and would urge you to try to sort it rather than end it.