Hi. I am new here and I'm thankful that I found this site. I don't want to be lengthy, but I have been married for 15+ years to my husband. He is a pastor. He is a very caring and kind person. A people person. We had a somewhat tough time when we first married because things happened so fast. We really did not date. We met and after three months got engaged then married six months later. Our marriage has been built on respect. I had an indescretion at the midpoint of our marriage. My husband was not always emphatetic towards me. He was stern, rigid. I needed something kind and comforting.I felt my husband was not listening to me and I couldn't open up to him because everything had to be his way (romance, home, his needs) So yes, I made a big mistake. We didn't split because of the children and because he said he loved me and I was all he really had. He said he took me for granted. So, with some good counseling we were able to get things resolved. Now, Here is the problem. My husband is a pastor and he is around women All the time. I have not had problems with that in the past, but now I do because there is a woman in our church who is going through pure hell with her husband. She also happens to be a friend to me. I find myself freezing up at the way she looks at my husband and the way she relies on him for a listening ear. I have talked with my husband about my feeling ans how I feel about this woman. I know she needs a friend at this time, but I am afraid that she is trying to move in my life eventhough there are no true signs. I feel very paranaoid and I feel guilty over my past sins. I know I am forgiven, but the demons keep creeping up. I know to pray. I do not want to confront this lady because she might leave the church. I know no one knows anything because I don't talk with anyone and we live in a small town. I just need some advice and someone to talk to me. My husband tells me there is nothing going on. I believe him because I know what a scandal can do to his ministry and his life. We have two kids who are practically out of the house. They know nothing. BUT they expect mom and dad to be there no matter what. Please advise me. Any thought? Any suggestions.

I can see where a pastor's W could well have some insecurities about the dependency which some of his "flock" might come to in regard to him.

You do seem to have kept the communication lines open with H. He is aware of your fears in this regard with this one woman. Maybe the two of you could agree to do any "counseling" with this woman as a team, so to protect his position as her spiritual leader and also keep up some firm boundaries not only for her, but for himself.

Don't let your past mistakes become burdens which you're H must take on. The two of you have moved forward in your marriage and your life together. Leave your mistakes in the past.

Keep talking to H. You may at some point in "team counseling" BOTH discuss the issues of dependency in time of crisis as being normal (to this woman) and that you all must be aware that it's a false feeling if it becomes too invested in one. Pastors and Doctors often deal with this situation, being firm is usually the best way.

If this woman ever expresses "the wrong" type of feeling toward your H, or if you and your H see it going down this path, then the two of you need to take it up with someone who is higher up in your church group and decide the best way to not only handle what the two of you should do, but the best way to still support this woman without allowing her to wrap her insecurities around your H.

Good Luck!

If you're gut is talking listen...at least try to check into it a little further. My H had an A with out next door neighbor, both families were close. She started having serious problems with her H and turning more and more to my H as a friend. We both felt horrible for her, we even offered to speak to her H.

Well little did we know, she had set her sights on my H long before and used this and some problems we were going through to work her way in even further. She then started flirting and then kissed him and the A was off an running.

I too repeatedly warned my H that a female in the kind of trouble/pain she was in might just cross the line with a male friend like him. My H is handsome, caring, good H, good father, all around good guy...she saw this, compared him to her H and decided she wanted mine and set out to get him and get him she did...at least for a few weeks until he came to his senses.

My gut was also screaming but because of her..not him..I trusted him completely! Silly me....he fell for oldest trick in book..damsel in distress..she just happened to be in distress and making him feel great at same time (telling him how great he was, how he deserved to be treated better by me and kids, how good looking, etc). Of course didn't help that I was going through problems of my own and withdrew from him for first time in our M (later diagnosed with depression and PTSD). He was also going through identiy crisis and has since been diagnosed as a passive agressive...add this all up and recipe for disaster.

I will never, ever ignore my gut again. I had to stoop to snooping and got enough to get a confession out of him.

Be carefull!

By the way...our recovery is going excellent..thanks to lots of hard work on both our parts and lots of love!

Thank you both (just a wifey 2002 & forevertogether) for responding. Your advice is very helpful. I am still talking with my H and I am letting him know that I am behind him in terms of support, etc. This OW continues to hang around always going on church outtings whenever our group has an outside function. I work everyday. BUT I realize that this OW needs to SEE me in every aspect of the church and around my H all the time. She is to the point where she does not want to work things out with her own H. In any case, I can appreciate the thought of my H and I counseling this W, BUT she needs to get things straight with her own H and with someone who would not be too closely connected to her situation. I like the term "damsel in distress" (I didn't know how to describe her...THANK YOU!!!!) Anyways, I am going to let my H know that he can't rescue her nor can her solve her situation. She has to do that. I really do believe that should she continue to make moves on him, I might have to make my H aware that I can go to his superiors OR we need to think about moving on because we can't be effective where we are. There are too many other lives and "souls" dependent on us for our ministry and leadership. I am sick of games. I went through garbage like this BEFORE when I was younger and single. I WILL NOT tolerate or accept this now. Please keep in touch. I thank you for your support and kindness.
wkdk

This is an update. Things between my H and I are getting better. I told H that I am number one and he is number one in my life (period!!). No outside people. This OW has to work things out herself. H sees that OW's husband is playing games. My H said he wasn't going to get into their problems. I kept my cool because I didn't want my H to see that I was cheering for joy. Keep encouraging me.
Thanks
wkdk